Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson is obviously, irrefutably, incontrovertibly insane. Several cages short of a puppy farm. Flying blind and solo into the Jungle of Bonkers. He is totally nuts, and we can prove it. The evidence is undeniable.

Now, before you reach for that "Back" button, let's make ourselves clear:

• It has nothing to do with the skin lightening or the endless plastic surgeries. That's definitely vain, and probably unhealthy, but not strictly psychotic. In case after case, Jackson has denied undergoing surgery, but that's his prerogative as well, although any half-awake moron can look at his various photographs side by side and see naturally-impossible changes in his visage and physique. Jackson appears to have decided years ago that he wanted to resemble the sarcophagus mask of Tutankhamen. That's fine by us. Let the man chip away at his facial bones. After all, they belong to him.

• Nor is there anything necessarily wrong with enjoying the company of young boys in one's bed, even if you're living under persistent accusations of being a pedophile. It's always hard for the man in the street to understand Michael Jackson's childhood and man-child demeanor he's always shown; maybe there's some rational explanation for all the stories and lawsuits. At the very least, a number of folks have gotten very personally rich by telling tales out of school (so to speak). Innocent until proven guilty, that's what we always say.

• And hey, you can't blame a guy for marrying a Scientologist. Lisa Marie Presley was cute. Well, kinda. And besides, she was Elvis' daughter. Famous people are always attracted to other famous people. Nobody knows why. Granted that absolutely disturbing kiss he laid on her in public (on national television, for goodness sakes) was probably a little over the top, but who can resist the power of love? Besides, the Presley-Jackson matchup blew the world away and showed that yes, all those horrible bizzare rumors and stories you read in rags like the Enquirer and Weekly World News? Some of them might be true. That's pretty priceless.

• And lots of people do dangerous things to their infant children. Although whereas most parental fuckups are on the order of feeding honey to their baby, Jackson's was dangling his kid over a fifth-floor balcony. Of course, he had a blanket over the baby's head to protect its identity, you know, to keep it safe. Oh well. What do you want? People make mistakes.

No, all that aside, we can confidently declare Michael Jackson nuts because of his guest appearance in episode 7F24 of The Simpsons. He voiced the character of an obese, caucasian mental patient claiming to be Michael Jackson. He answered to Jackson's name. He spoke, danced, sang, played music, and composed songs just like Jackson. And he was intimately familiar with the minutiae of Jackson's life. Not only is Michael Jackson in the episode, but the story is explicitly about him. The name "Michael Jackson" is spoken eight times during the course of the show.

Despite those facts, Jackson used a pseudonym, and a pathetic one at that. He was listed in the credits as "John Jay Smith." If Jackson entertained the notion for even a split second that anyone wouldn't recognize his voice, then he is clinically delusional and should be restrained. To the asylum with you, Jacko!

Also bear in mind Jackson's 3-D film for Disneyland, called Captain EO. What a piece of crap.

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