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Horoscopes for Conspiracy Theorists

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IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY
The Eye of Providence enters Jupiter which means that the Reptilian Elite are coming out of hibernation to complete their takeover of the World. Be wary of anybody bearing gifts on this day, even if they appear to be someone you know. Shape-shifters have the ability to take the form of cake and can attack you from the inside once ingested. The good news: ice cream kills shape-shifters when they have turned themselves into cake. French vanilla works best.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are responsible, disciplined and have good manners. Unfortunately, none of those things matter right now — the shadow people are in your house. They are either here to protect you or they might be trying to kill you–it’s hard to say. Tonight: Circle your house with sea salt.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you find your temper rising to the surface, take comfort in knowing that at least it’s not due to climate change. Tonight: Stare into the eclipse without protective glasses and drink in the power of the Sun.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Big Brother has been reading your thoughts–they know about the thing. Act playful and upbeat like nothing is wrong. Repeat an alibi in your head over and over until you start to believe it the way OJ convinced himself he didn’t kill his wife and her friend. That should buy you just enough time to finish the back 9. Tonight: Make a new tinfoil hat. Trust no one.

ARIES (March 21 — April 20):
You may feel a sense of calmness wash over you as the fake moon cuts across the Roswell and JFK coverup axis of your chart. Do not be fooled–they greys want you to let your guard down so they can abduct you. Again. Stay underground and wait for a signal. Tonight: Stock up on essentials–avoid GMOs.

TAURUS (April 21— May 21):
Secrets will be revealed to you through your TV set–tune to channel 71. Remember, the mainstream media talking heads are speaking in code to the illuminati. Intercept their messages and help prevent the invasion. Tonight: Watch the sky for strange activity.

GEMINI (May 22 — June 21):
You have conflicted feelings–which means you may be possessed. Take a good look in the mirror. If you don’t see yourself, go and see a Priest immediately. Eat as many vegetables as you can–especially broccoli. Satan hates broccoli. Tonight: Watch the Exorcist. Again.

CANCER (June 22 — July 23):
The back pain you are feeling right now is the result of an attempted abduction. The good news: you’re here. The bad news: you weren’t for a while and nobody noticed. Reinforce your windows and doors. Tonight: Cover yourself head to toe in vaseline so they can’t grab you.

LEO (July 24 — Aug. 23):
You are being watched. While you love the attention, this is not the good kind. Remote viewers are watching you. Make things difficult for them. Wear multiple layers of clothing until you resemble the Michelin Man so they can’t see you naked. Tonight: Dance like somebody’s watching–because they are.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 — Sept. 23):
Um, don’t get out of bed today. Seriously. Tonight: Stay in bed–you have been warned.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 — Oct. 23):
Let the beams generated by the hologram of the Moon in the sky wash over you and remind you that we essentially live on a giant plate. Plan a trip to the edge of the Earth, but be careful not to fall off. Tonight: Run more unscientific experiments to prove your theories. Film them. Show them to no one.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 — Nov. 22):
The angrier you get, the more delicious your blood becomes. Pent-up anger attracts psychic vampires the way giant turkey legs attract morbidly obese tourists to theme parks. Clutch your protective amulet and repeat your safe words until the Paranormal show comes on the radio. Tonight: Call in and tell your story.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 — Dec. 21):
Planet X has crossed into our Solar system, which means the inevitable destruction of Earth is near. It might be tomorrow. It might be 500 years from now. This is the time to explore your wildest fantasies. Tonight: Live like there’s no tomorrow. Because there probably won’t be.

Written by

Rick is a comedy writer from Toronto. His work covers sports, politics, parenting & pop culture. He is a graduate of the satire writing program @ Second City.

Rick is a comedy writer from Toronto. His work covers sports, politics, parenting & pop culture. He is a graduate of the satire writing program @ Second City.

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