Dildos

Some people think to buy toys for their dog or cat – even their guinea pig – before they consider that it is equally acceptable (and equally necessary) to provide toys for their favorite rectum or vagina.

For at least the last 100,000 years, the most popular toy for these orifices has been the dildo. A dildo, as the picture at right indicates, is a device shaped to mimic the form and function of the male penis. (Note that a penis itself is not here considered a toy, unless it is a detachable penis in which case it is also an entertaining song lyric.) The basic function of the dildo is to stimulate the orifice into which it is inserted, again pretty much in the same manner that a penis would, without the user having to worry about such annoyances as venereal disease, impotence, or premature ejaculation.

Although some people use the dildo when there is no penis present, others use the dildo to augment or complement a penis that is fully functional and eager to participate. Possible uses for the dildo include:

• Oral insertion to simulate fellatio.
• Rubbing it against the clit, the head of the penis, the scrotum, or anywhere else that strikes your fancy.
• Shallow fucking of the vagina to stimulate the labia minora.
• Inserting the dildo half way into the vagina with each thrust, at an angle, to stimulate the G-spot.
• Inserting the dildo fully into the vagina to stimulate the entire vaginal opening and the cervix itself (to be done gently unless otherwise specified).
• Rectal insertion of the dildo, typically in conjunction with a commercial lubricating agent. (Note that for rectal insertion it is best to insert the dildo only an inch or two, then to pause a few moments, allowing the sphincter to relax. Then slowly resume insertion.)

It’s always good to consider where you will be using your dildo – that is, on what part of the body and in what setting. If you prefer a vibrating dildo, be sure yours is the waterproof variety before you take it into the water. (If you electrocute yourself while getting off in the tub, your morgue shot might end up somewhere embarrassing, like rotten.com.) Some dildos actually light up – which is convenient if you drop your dildo under the bed, but potentially embarrassing if you’re using it somewhere public after dark.

It’s also important to consider how you will be using your dildo. Would it be more convenient for it to have a handle or a suction cup base? Will you be using it au natural or in a harness?

If you are a woman wearing a harness, you might want to cover all your bases by acquiring a three phallus model that "plugs" into your rectum and vagina, while the out-thrusting member provides intimate entertainment to your partner. Or you could simplify and opt for the "double dong" model, which is basically a long, thick schlong with a penis head on each end. More flexible varieties can bend to fill both your orifices at once when no partner is present. (Be sure to use a fresh condom before sharing another’s toy, and always wash toys thoroughly between uses.)

Finally never underestimate the importance of texture. Too porous a texture is generally a bad idea as it will make your dildo hard to clean and may rub you raw besides. Too smooth a texture might just get boring. The most popular textures seem to be spiral, ridged, and veined with true dildo aficionados having a little something of everything – including a model with “balls” for that slapped in the ass sensation.

If all this seems a little ho-hum, you can always try more exotic options. In addition to the options above, your dildo can twist, bend, rotate, plunge, and have an attached "clit tickler" besides. But if you find that your dildo just doesn’t give you enough wow on it’s own, maybe its time to pair it with a genuine vibrator.

Or, you might consider making your dildo less impersonal. Sexologists recommend turning up the heat during Masturbation through fantasizing about someone you are in love with. But now you can now take the concept a step farther by tossing aside your usual love tool in favor of one modeled directly on someone you love. Now with a Make Your Own Dildo kit you can make like Cynthia Plaster Caster and plunge your favorite stiff cock into a goey, gloppy "quick form molding material" that will permanently immortalize it. When your mold is done, fill 'er up with the "rubber skin" casting material and wait for your work of art to become a permanent stiffy.

To make your session more fun, pretend your boy is actually your favorite rock star and that, like Cynthia, you are casting his member for posterity. For added realism, invite over a friend to go down on him while you’re getting the mold ready. (Kiss song optional.) But be sure your guy doesn’t blow his load until after his erect member has been made a nice, solid impression for your cast. After that, his dick is yours – permanently.

Making a model of your lover’s schlong has some added benefits that you might not have considered. One is that this just might eliminate the penis envy some men feel toward their lover’s dildo. Now if he complains, "I should be enough for you", you just say, "Baby you are all I want – it’s just that your thing is like candy. I just can’t get enough of it." Or maybe you can tell him, "I’ve always fantasized about you having a twin. Now you can fuck in me two places at once!"

The mind boggles at the possibilities. Now, not only will you be able to keep your lover’s member with you when he’s away on business (talk about your "detachable penis"), but never again will you have to endure the post break-up heartache of realizing his sexy cock is gone forever. Now it will remain yours, to do with as you please. (Which may include mutilating it with a blowtorch as you work off your rage.)

Meanwhile, solo males can find their own ways to enjoy the Make Your Own Dildo concept. All those adolescent fantasies about sucking your own cock or fucking yourself in the ass are about to be taken to a new level – and you thought it would take years of diligent yoga practice.

Naturally to some of you this will all seem a bit absurd and amusing. The sexual purists of the world always think they are "above such things". But as an object of mixed lust and amusement, the dildo has a long, if not respectable, heritage. Although people have long known that the dildo dates back to at least Greek and Roman times (the word "dildo" is Latin for "open wide"), the oldest dildo known is in fact 106,000 years old. Made of carved whalebone, it was found in Iceland and is decorated with Goddess symbols and an ancient menstrual calendar (used by its owner to track her cycles against phases of the moon).

Dildos in more relatively more recent history were manufactured in China of wood, jade, ivory or bronze (a museum recently displayed a 2000 year old bronze model from China). The ancient Greeks preferred a more pliable faux phallus of padded leather lubricated with olive oil. Still other early dildos were made of bone, wood, or metal, but a north African variant was reportedly made of camel dung, coated with layers of resin. Somebody was horny.

Meanwhile, anyone who’s ever eyed their broomstick lustily may take comfort in the knowledge that in centuries past Celtic women danced beneath the full moon in the freshly plowed fields, sometimes even ritually masturbating themselves with short-handled brooms (to bring fertility to the earth before planting). Sometimes they would coat the broom stick with psychoactive drugs, no doubt giving rise to the cultural icon of the cackling witch riding her broom stick.

Some cultures have also used dildos to deflower virgins. While these sacred phalluses were made of various materials, sometimes they were actually part of a larger sculpture – such as the Greek statues of Priapus. Granted it often took a little doing, but with assistance and diligent persistence, the maiden would clamber aboard the erect member and wriggle her way to ecstasy.

While some ladies were out to lose their virginity, others were seeking the blessings of fertility. For example, Ancient Egyptian women who had trouble getting pregnant believed they could improve their fertility by masturbating by moonlight atop the stone phallus of Amon-Ra. In the 1990s, the Egyptian government began posting armed guards at some of the more popular statues of Amon-Ra because Egyptian women were wearing these archaeological treasures down through many centuries of the practice.

Given the human penchant for impaling themselves upon the phallus of divine beings – or their graven images – one has to wonder whether our ancient animist ancestors ever deflowered a virgin with a dildo modeled on a stag, a bison, or some other sacred or significant animal. As yet, no such evidence is available. But given the "needle in the haystack" nature of the archaeological record, a lack of current evidence does not preclude such a possibility.

For the modern animist (and those on the edgy side of kink), a well-made animal phallus is only a Google search away. While these were probably originally created for "furries" (those who get their kicks dressing up as bears and what not), these wonders of the animal kingdom can now be had by anyone looking to add a serious twist to their love life. Talk about your exotic options. Now, with a little imagination, anyone can be hung like a horse – literally. Or like a racoon or an orca for that matter

Of course, such erotica exotica will cost – sometimes into the hundreds of dollars. The nature lover on a tight budget can always console themselves with stimulation provided from the plant kingdom however. A quick trip to the local supermarket should provide you with a broad array of useful fruits and vegetables – especially the cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, and your basic unripened banana.

With all this variety at your fingertips however, it’s important to remember: never "take in" more than you can handle. And of course, never shove in anything that can’t be easily removed afterwards – this is especially true of toys for anal stimulation. Countless incidents in the ER have proved the wisdom of using caution in one’s choice of playthings.

Remember to always avoid anything with rough edges, exposed electrical wires, toxic or irritating substances, bacterial contamination, a larger length or girth than your body can (currently) handle, and a design that precludes easy removal after orgasm. And, once again, don’t forget to practice safe sex with your toys. Wash them with a gentle antibacterial cleanser, and use a condom if you're trading toys with a friend or using an anal toy in a vagina.

Related Trivia

• The first electrical dildo was sold in 1911.

• A town in Newfoundland is named Dildo. Allegedly the name originates from the town's earlier industry in the 19th century – carving dildos from whalebone.

• The band Steely Dan is named after a giant dildo.