Dildos
For at least the last 100,000 years, the most popular toy for these orifices has been the dildo. A dildo, as the picture at right indicates, is a device shaped to mimic the form and function of the male penis. (Note that a penis itself is not here considered a toy, unless it is a detachable penis in which case it is also an entertaining song lyric.) The basic function of the dildo is to stimulate the orifice into which it is inserted, again pretty much in the same manner that a penis would, without the user having to worry about such annoyances as venereal disease, impotence, or premature ejaculation. Although some people use the dildo when there is no penis present, others use the dildo to augment or complement a penis that is fully functional and eager to participate. Possible uses for the dildo include:
Its always good to consider where you will be using your dildo that is, on what part of the body and in what setting. If you prefer a vibrating dildo, be sure yours is the waterproof variety before you take it into the water. (If you electrocute yourself while getting off in the tub, your morgue shot might end up somewhere embarrassing, like rotten.com.) Some dildos actually light up which is convenient if you drop your dildo under the bed, but potentially embarrassing if youre using it somewhere public after dark.
If you are a woman wearing a harness, you might want to cover all your bases by acquiring a three phallus model that "plugs" into your rectum and vagina, while the out-thrusting member provides intimate entertainment to your partner. Or you could simplify and opt for the "double dong" model, which is basically a long, thick schlong with a penis head on each end. More flexible varieties can bend to fill both your orifices at once when no partner is present. (Be sure to use a fresh condom before sharing anothers toy, and always wash toys thoroughly between uses.) Finally never underestimate the importance of texture. Too porous a texture is generally a bad idea as it will make your dildo hard to clean and may rub you raw besides. Too smooth a texture might just get boring. The most popular textures seem to be spiral, ridged, and veined with true dildo aficionados having a little something of everything including a model with balls for that slapped in the ass sensation. If all this seems a little ho-hum, you can always try more exotic options. In addition to the options above, your dildo can twist, bend, rotate, plunge, and have an attached "clit tickler" besides. But if you find that your dildo just doesnt give you enough wow on its own, maybe its time to pair it with a genuine vibrator.
To make your session more fun, pretend your boy is actually your favorite rock star and that, like Cynthia, you are casting his member for posterity. For added realism, invite over a friend to go down on him while youre getting the mold ready. (Kiss song optional.) But be sure your guy doesnt blow his load until after his erect member has been made a nice, solid impression for your cast. After that, his dick is yours permanently.
The mind boggles at the possibilities. Now, not only will you be able to keep your lovers member with you when hes away on business (talk about your "detachable penis"), but never again will you have to endure the post break-up heartache of realizing his sexy cock is gone forever. Now it will remain yours, to do with as you please. (Which may include mutilating it with a blowtorch as you work off your rage.) Meanwhile, solo males can find their own ways to enjoy the Make Your Own Dildo concept. All those adolescent fantasies about sucking your own cock or fucking yourself in the ass are about to be taken to a new level and you thought it would take years of diligent yoga practice. Naturally to some of you this will all seem a bit absurd and amusing. The sexual purists of the world always think they are "above such things". But as an object of mixed lust and amusement, the dildo has a long, if not respectable, heritage. Although people have long known that the dildo dates back to at least Greek and Roman times (the word "dildo" is Latin for "open wide"), the oldest dildo known is in fact 106,000 years old. Made of carved whalebone, it was found in Iceland and is decorated with Goddess symbols and an ancient menstrual calendar (used by its owner to track her cycles against phases of the moon).
Meanwhile, anyone whos ever eyed their broomstick lustily may take comfort in the knowledge that in centuries past Celtic women danced beneath the full moon in the freshly plowed fields, sometimes even ritually masturbating themselves with short-handled brooms (to bring fertility to the earth before planting). Sometimes they would coat the broom stick with psychoactive drugs, no doubt giving rise to the cultural icon of the cackling witch riding her broom stick.
While some ladies were out to lose their virginity, others were seeking the blessings of fertility. For example, Ancient Egyptian women who had trouble getting pregnant believed they could improve their fertility by masturbating by moonlight atop the stone phallus of Amon-Ra. In the 1990s, the Egyptian government began posting armed guards at some of the more popular statues of Amon-Ra because Egyptian women were wearing these archaeological treasures down through many centuries of the practice. Given the human penchant for impaling themselves upon the phallus of divine beings or their graven images one has to wonder whether our ancient animist ancestors ever deflowered a virgin with a dildo modeled on a stag, a bison, or some other sacred or significant animal. As yet, no such evidence is available. But given the "needle in the haystack" nature of the archaeological record, a lack of current evidence does not preclude such a possibility.
Of course, such erotica exotica will cost sometimes into the hundreds of dollars. The nature lover on a tight budget can always console themselves with stimulation provided from the plant kingdom however. A quick trip to the local supermarket should provide you with a broad array of useful fruits and vegetables especially the cucumbers, carrots, zucchini, and your basic unripened banana.
Remember to always avoid anything with rough edges, exposed electrical wires, toxic or irritating substances, bacterial contamination, a larger length or girth than your body can (currently) handle, and a design that precludes easy removal after orgasm. And, once again, dont forget to practice safe sex with your toys. Wash them with a gentle antibacterial cleanser, and use a condom if you're trading toys with a friend or using an anal toy in a vagina.
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