DAVE AT TACO BELL
June 17, 1996
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LETTERMAN: You know what? I guess this is no secret that I do this every summer, and I don't know why. Well, I do
know why, because it's fun, because it keeps me in touch with the people. Every summer I take a part-time job. You know what I do, right, Paul?
SHAFFER: I do, yes.
LETTERMAN: And it began this weekend, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, I work part-time at a Taco Bell
out in New Jersey. It's true. What I do is I work right in there in the kitchen, and I have the head-set on, and I take the drive-through orders, you know, when people drive through in their car, and they talk into like an external speaker, and then I'm in the restaurant itself, the building there at Casa Del Taco, and I take their orders, and then I begin the process of making the food and getting it to them. So I am the representative of Taco Bell. I am the first voice the people hear when they drive through to order through the external speaker. You know what I'm talking about?
SHAFFER: Of course I do.
LETTERMAN: All right. Here we go. Here's me at my part-time job, Taco Bell in New Jersey.
(Letterman is wearing a wrinkled Taco Bell shirt hanging out of his pants like every teenager you've ever seen working fast food.)
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LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell. What do you want?
CUSTOMER: Hi. Can I have a kid's meal with a soft taco?
LETTERMAN: Are you Mexican?
CUSTOMER: No, I'm not.
LETTERMAN: If you're Mexican, the meal's half off.
**********
LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell.
CUSTOMER: Two soft taco supremes.
LETTERMAN: You know, we had some trouble. The kid that was supposed to come in and turn stuff on this morning didn't come in. All we got today is like a—I can get you a grilled cheese sandwich. I can put taco sauce on it. All right?
CUSTOMER: Okay.
***********
LETTERMAN: What do you want to eat today?
CUSTOMER: Three light chicken soft tacos.
LETTERMAN: How about a burrito?
CUSTOMER: No, thanks.
LETTERMAN: How about a big burrito?
CUSTOMER: No, thanks.
LETTERMAN: How about the biggest damn burrito you ever laid eyes on in your life?
CUSTOMER: You know, this—
LETTERMAN: How about a burrito so damn big we've got to strap it to the roof of your car? How about that, sir? Would you like that?
**********
LETTERMAN: Welcome to Taco Bell.
CUSTOMER: Thank you.
LETTERMAN: Do you have any hair nets?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: Because we think that we're gonna get like a surprise visit later on from the Board of Health.
CUSTOMER: Oh, wonderful.
*********
LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell. How are you doing?
CUSTOMER: How are you doing?
LETTERMAN: Do you mind if I call you Pedro?
CUSTOMER: Yeah, whatever.
LETTERMAN: Hey, Pedro, what's up? What's on your mind? What's happening, my man? What's going down, Pedro? What are we having for lunch today, Pedro?
CUSTOMER: Hold on.
LETTERMAN: What? Hold on for what? What are you doing?
CUSTOMER: I'm looking at the menu.
LETTERMAN: You're looking at the menu. There's nine things on the menu. Come on, Einstein. Pick something.
*********
LETTERMAN: What can I do for you, Kenny?
CUSTOMER: Nacho supreme.
LETTERMAN: Okay, it will be about 90 minutes. We have to special order that.
CUSTOMER: The nacho supreme?
LETTERMAN: The nacho supreme is about an hour and a half. We actually need a day's notice on that one. (Customer drives out.)
*********
LETTERMAN: I'll tell you what, Pedro. It's your lucky day. How'd you like to come into the restaurant and meet the people who are preparing your lunch? (The scene shifts to Pedro meeting Taco Bell employees.)
LETTERMAN: That's Kim. This is Pedro. He's a big boy, isn't he? And your name? Julietta. You're making his lunch?
*********
LETTERMAN: There are no customers right now, so with this lull here, we'll use the p.a. system to drum up some business, okay? (The scene shifts to outside the Taco Bell where the p.a. system is blaring and people are staring.)
LETTERMAN: Come on in. We got free tacos. We got burritos and free tacos. Here's Eric the manager.
MANAGER: Free tacos. Come and get 'em.
*********
LETTERMAN: How about a beverage?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: How would you like to come in here and stick your head under the Pepsi machine?
CUSTOMER: No, that will be fine.
**********
LETTERMAN: Hi. What's your name?
CUSTOMER: Jennifer.
LETTERMAN: Jennifer, what can I do for you?
CUSTOMER: I need four soft taco supremes and a bean and cheese burrito.
LETTERMAN: Jennifer, I've customized a taco for you.
CUSTOMER: Oh, you have?
LETTERMAN: Yes, I have. I think you'll be very impressed when you see it. (The customer drives up and Letterman hands the customer a taco decorated with "JEN" in nacho cheese sauce.)
LETTERMAN: Here you go. Enjoy that.
CUSTOMER: Thank you.
LETTERMAN: Thank you very much.
*********
LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: Can I have a choco-taco.
LETTERMAN: Hey, how'd you like to come in and stick your head under the Pepsi machine?
CUSTOMER: All right.
(The scene shifts to inside the Taco Bell.)
LETTERMAN: Just get in there. Make it easy on yourself. Yeah, I'm holding his glasses. Don't play around. Just get in there and get your beverage and get the hell out. (The customer sticks his head under the Pepsi machine and gets Pepsi in his eyes and all over him.)
LETTERMAN: There we go, yeah.

*******
LETTERMAN: Welcome to Taco Bell. How was your weekend?
CUSTOMER: Good. How was yours?
LETTERMAN: It was okay. I had the family come over for a visit, and between you and me, I didn't really get my ass out of the hammock all weekend.
**********
LETTERMAN: Hello. Is somebody out there?
CUSTOMER: Yeah. I want one three-cheese melt with no beef. Do you make it with chicken or no?
LETTERMAN: Actually, today we're making 'em with goat.
*********
(A customer drives up in a really noisy car.)
CUSTOMER: Let me have two soft taco supremes.
LETTERMAN: Yeah.
CUSTOMER: Two soft taco supremes.
LETTERMAN: Right.
CUSTOMER: You got that?
LETTERMAN: Let me interrupt here, sir. I'll tell you what. When you're done eating your lunch, do me a favor. You gotta swear you'll do this, all right?
CUSTOMER: What?
LETTERMAN: Take your car to Tune-up Masters.
CUSTOMER: Oh, I'm gonna get that fixed.
**********
LETTERMAN: Honk the horn, ma'am.
CUSTOMER: Why?
LETTERMAN: We're testing the equipment. It has something to do with the microwave oven.
(The customer honks the horn.)
**********
LETTERMAN: I'm going to have to ask you to speak up. I can hardly hear you.
(The customer cups his hands and slowly and loudly yells each word into the p.a. system.)
CUSTOMER: I want two taco supreme soft and one original.
LETTERMAN: The taco supremes, we only have them in the hard.
CUSTOMER: All right. I'll take two hard ones and also a 99-cent three-cheese melt.
*********
CUSTOMER: Four taco supremes and one nacho supreme.
LETTERMAN: Can you order a little more food?
CUSTOMER: What?
LETTERMAN: I am one taco supreme away from being employee of the month.
CUSTOMER: No, that's not what I want.
*********
LETTERMAN: Now, when I call out a beverage, you say "roger."
CUSTOMER: Okay.
LETTERMAN: Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: Roger.
LETTERMAN: Diet Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: Roger.
LETTERMAN: Slice.
CUSTOMER: Roger.
LETTERMAN: Mountain Dew.
CUSTOMER: Okay.
LETTERMAN: Slice.
CUSTOMER: Roger.
(Scene shifts to lady honking her horn.)
********
CUSTOMER: I'm not gonna pay for eight and two tacos.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, but I'm gonna put you down for eight. You understand what I'm saying? So the paperwork will look like you ordered eight.
CUSTOMER: All right, no problem.
LETTERMAN: And I'm gonna have to charge you for the whole thing, but then if you give me your address, I can reimburse you.
CUSTOMER: No thanks, buddy. I ain't doing that.
LETTERMAN: I'll just send you like a check in a month.
CUSTOMER: Dude, man, I don't have any more money. What do you want me to do?
LETTERMAN: Listen to me. I'm gonna give you the money back, all right?
CUSTOMER: Look, forget it, then. (Expletive deleted)
LETTERMAN: You come in, you take the order, and when you come to the window, like you don't know me, okay? (The customer drives up to the window.)
LETTERMAN: How are you doing?
CUSTOMER: Oh, jeez.
LETTERMAN: We don't know each other, right? We don't know each other. We'll take care of your order.
*********
CUSTOMER: One small Pepsi.
LETTERMAN: All right. Slow down, ma'am. I am very, very tired. I'm just getting over the worst case of stomach flu I've ever had in my life.
CUSTOMER: You sound familiar.
LETTERMAN: I'm the manager Kenny.
CUSTOMER: No, you're not.
LETTERMAN: Yes, I am.
CUSTOMER: No, you're not.
LETTERMAN: Yes, I am. Get your food and be on your way.
CUSTOMER: Are you Howard Stern?
LETTERMAN: That's right. I am Howard Stern. Excellent guess.
CUSTOMER: Oh, it is so nice to meet you.
********.
LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell. What do you want, tacos?
CUSTOMER: No. I would actually like a light chicken burrito, nachos with a side order of guacamole and a three-cheese melt and a medium soda.
LETTERMAN: That's an awful lot of food. How many people are eating out there?
CUSTOMER: There's just two of us, and it's not a lot of food.
LETTERMAN: It seems like an awful lot of food to me, and I get the feeling you're gonna eat it by yourself.
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: How much do you weigh?
CUSTOMER: Does it matter?
LETTERMAN: With that kind of food, yeah, when we're dealing with this kind of quantity, we need to know the weight of the customer.
CUSTOMER: Give me a break.
**********
LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell. What do you want?
CUSTOMER: Is there a manager back there?
LETTERMAN: This is the manager. My name is Dave. I'm the manager. What can I do for 'ya?
CUSTOMER: I'm just listening to you talk to the people, and you are being a little rude.
LETTERMAN: What did you say?
CUSTOMER: You're being a little rude to some of these customers.
LETTERMAN: Well, you know, my parents are both rude, and I guess I get it from them.
CUSTOMER: Are you the manager of this store?
LETTERMAN: (dumb guy voice) Ma'am, you're talking to Dave, manager of the Taco Bell. What would you like to eat today, ma'am?
CUSTOMER: I'd like two three-cheese melts.
LETTERMAN: Okay, okay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm not exactly a computer. Slow down. Let's try it again. Take it from the beginning. What is it you would like for lunch?
CUSTOMER: Two three-cheese melts.
LETTERMAN: Two...three...cheese...melts.
**********
LETTERMAN: What's going on?
CUSTOMER: Give me three Pepsis, and what else do you want?
LETTERMAN: I tell 'ya what. I'm so tired, you guys come in and fix your own lunch, okay?
(Two customers come into the Taco Bell.)
LETTERMAN: There it is. That's the stuff there. Just make your own lunch.
CUSTOMER: We love you.
(The customers make their own lunch.)
LETTERMAN: That looks good.
**********
CUSTOMER: I want a medium diet Coke.
LETTERMAN: (dumb guy voice) Medium relative to what?
CUSTOMER: Halfway between the small and the large.
LETTERMAN: Okay, check, you got it. We can do that. Right. I got that. We can make that happen.
**********
LETTERMAN: Welcome to Taco Bell. How are you?
CUSTOMER: How are you?
LETTERMAN: I'm okay. I had kind of a bad weekend.
CUSTOMER: Oh, okay.
LETTERMAN: I was mowing my lawn. I got a riding mower a couple of weeks ago, and the damn thing rolled over my foot and I lost three toes.
CUSTOMER: I'm sorry to hear that.
LETTERMAN: I'm okay now. I'm full of morphine.
CUSTOMER: Oh, thank God. Thank God.
LETTERMAN: Have you ever had morphine?
CUSTOMER: Yes, I have.
LETTERMAN: It really makes you feel very, very good about everything.
CUSTOMER: I know. Yes, yes, it does.
********
LETTERMAN: Hi. How are you 'ya?
CUSTOMER: Two light soft tacos and a diet soda.
LETTERMAN: What kind of soda do you want?
CUSTOMER: A diet soda, diet Pepsi.
LETTERMAN: Diet what?
CUSTOMER: Pepsi.
LETTERMAN: We don't have diet Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: How about a Dr. Pepper?
LETTERMAN: A diet Dr. Pepper?
CUSTOMER: Sure.
LETTERMAN: We don't have diet Dr. Pepper.
CUSTOMER: Okay. I'll just have any kind of soda.
LETTERMAN: Well, I have to know what kind you want, ma'am, so I can tell you we're out of it.
*********
LETTERMAN: Hello.
CUSTOMER: Hi.
LETTERMAN: Who is this?
CUSTOMER: Allen.
LETTERMAN: Allen, listen, I've got another call. Can you call me back in a minute?
*********
LETTERMAN: Do you want a Pepsi?
CUSTOMER: Yes, a diet Pepsi.
LETTERMAN: All right. We're out of diet Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: Okay.
LETTERMAN: We have Slice, Mandarin Orange.
CUSTOMER: Is it diet?
LETTERMAN: No, it's not diet.
CUSTOMER: What else do you have diet?
LETTERMAN: We have diet Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: I'll have that.
LETTERMAN: We're out of diet Pepsi.
CUSTOMER: Okay.
**********
LETTERMAN: Go ahead and order.
CUSTOMER: Can I get the three beef cheese melt deal thing.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, we'll get you one of those. Can you do me a favor? It's my lunch break and I haven't had a chance to get anything to eat. Can I ask you to get me a little something to eat?
CUSTOMER: No.
LETTERMAN: Here's how this will work. You order for me a burrito supreme, okay?
CUSTOMER: For you?
LETTERMAN: Yes. We're not allowed to order our own food. Okay, what would you like, ma'am?
CUSTOMER: I told you. The three cheese beef melt.
LETTERMAN: Anything else?
CUSTOMER: And your stupid thing, whatever you want, but I'm not paying for it.
LETTERMAN: No, no, you're not paying for it. No, no, you misunderstood. I'll pay for it, but you have to order it. All right. It's a burrito supreme with no meat, Okay? Try it again. What else, ma'am?
CUSTOMER: Burrito supreme with no meat.
LETTERMAN: All right, fine. Thank you very much.
CUSTOMER: What's the total?
LETTERMAN: That's twenty-six eighty.
CUSTOMER: How much is the real total?
LETTERMAN: The real total is twenty-six eighty. The burrito supreme is a little pricy. It's one of our most expensive items.
CUSTOMER: I want a three cheese beef melt. Quit fucking with me.
LETTERMAN: Let me see if I can repeat that order. You ordered something, a couple of tacos or something, a chicken something and a burrito supreme with no meat; is that correct? (The customer drives out and another customer drives up.)
NEXT CUSTOMER: She's gone already, chief.
*******
LETTERMAN: She's gone already, chief. She's gone already. One of them guys. One of those guys, rolls in, takes a look at the situation and sums it up for ya. She's gone already, chief. You won't find ticks on that boy. You won't find deadly ticks crawling around that guy. No, sir.