Exactly What To Say In A First Message

September 14th, 2009 by Christian Rudder


Ok, here’s the experiment. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself. Online dating advice at its best. Let’s go:

Rule 1
Be literate

Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.

Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).

Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.

So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.

Rule 2
Avoid physical compliments

Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.

On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:

The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.

When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty‘s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.

Rule 3
Use an unusual greeting

We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:

The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.

The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say, You had me at ‘what’s up’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Rule 4
Don’t take it outside

Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.

Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer.

Rule 4
Bring up specific interests

There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.

Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:

Rule 5
If you’re a guy, be self-effacing

Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.

It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!

Rule 6
Consider becoming an atheist

Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.

These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).

Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?

A word about user privacy on OkCupid

Though this post talks in detail about the content of people’s messages on OkCupid, all messages have been anonymized, with sender and recipient data and all IP and timestamp information stripped out. In addition, our analysis program looked at messages only two or three words at a time, to track the success of certain words or phrases (like “what’s up” vs. “wats up”). The program then aggregated results by phrase before presenting the data. No one at OkCupid read any actual user messages to compile this post.

523 Responses to “Exactly What To Say In A First Message”

  1. Cricket says:

    Agreed, great post. If only it was read by all of this site .

    Being genuine, original & insightful in your messaging is double plus good. Think it shows the person your messaging that you’ve taken the time to learn a bit about them & are trying peak their interest, and hopefully aren’t just late night web surfing, trolling for some strange. This isn’t the seedy rest-stop bathroom of Craig’s list, casual encounters.
    Call me old fashioned, but IMing is most appropriate after messaging beforehand, not so much out of the blue.
    Represent yourself as accurately as possible is you expect success.
    Try and not be a creep, unless of corse that’s your thing then find yourself another creeper and creep it up.

  2. Pingback: Atheism: Bringing the Sexy Back | Marriage Blog

  3. ange says:

    I indeed as well dont like it when men jump to physical things, but a huuuuuuge turnoff, is when they use words like “babe”, call you “hot” and than want to see you off the site, whether in person or by email….hell no, your not getting my email address. Thats why theres a message system here! liek…duh, you know?

    I wouldnt ever want a boy calling me “babe”, I hate that…it sounds slutty to me…and sort of rude. Its like calling you their object when they want you around, or “girl”, because you have a name…calling you “girl” is like calling your favourite pet “cat” or “dog” as if they arent alive or have no real worth. or your cousin “cousin” instead of “Brandon” per say, its a possessive-looking trend to me.

    I also hate it when men look at my rear end instead of my face. Yeah, those are great first impressions on a female in real life…tell her you want her body and ignore that she’s got something to say…man, I hate those ones, with a passion!

    If they are admiring your overal figure(in a brief, nonsexual way-aka they arent looking at it to “check you out” with a lame grin on their face, theyre looking because it caught their eye just walking by) awhile mostly eyeing your face/making intelligent eye contact, I wont mind as much, but if they do the figure thing too much or rather, more than 1-2 times depending how they approach it the first time, than that’s more than enough to say “get a life, find a body that has a price on it”.

    I dislike bad grammar too, but some net talk is okay, well, sort of, use it as a personality-related slang, dont think cell-text talk is cool, its made for convenience of small messages…but it must have a limit. Otherwise you look like an unintelligent pre-teen who thinks “its all the hip kids doing it”.

    Also, short replies to me is a turn off. IF your really interested, you will talk! if I ask a really open-ended question I know youd be interested in, dont sit ther with “yeah, I like that move too” and than end your whole message, or some other really lazy-short message.
    If you liked that movie, bring up a scene you liked in it and discuss it, and amuse each other…dont just be a boring drag where we got to work to keep the convo going, typing is super easy, even if you dont know what to say, its not like your making first impressions in-person which IS hard for some people….Im very shy around males I have a chance of liking, but online I talk like anyone else can, and maybe more…because I just have so much left unsaid. I bet if I responded to this male I saw looking at me today infact, that I think looked interesting enough, I coulda got some email address or at least a slight confidence start against my “no guys I’d like ever like me or they all have bfs”….unfortunately I failed as usual.
    So I have to say”why drag it online too? your never gonna get anywhere if you sound like your totally bored of us, and dont care about really talking about anything…its like when people stand there and go “…uhuh….”…I really hate that, because Im trying to express myself which people tell me to, and the person wont listen. If you dont wana talk, end it with something polite and leave..otherwise, talk. I dont care if your a “man”, if you dont talk, we think you dont give a crap, so just write it all out as long as it doesnt take hours to read…give us something to look at…or we’ll get tired of your lack for us in communication, and move on to someone more interesting. Your loss!

    and I will be honest, most people who go online for relationships, yes…usually are unable to get anything in real life for a relationship. First off….if you get bad responses from people about your hygiene at all anywhere…do something about it?. Not even casual friends want to smell you. And if your worried about your weight…well, if you know its from your own laziness, go out and get rid of it…its alot healthier if you do, honestly it benefits you more than anyone else…so why sit on it and wait for it to go away? it wont!. Truth be told, people like something healthy…and, awhile looks arent everything, in a sense, they do matter. Noone should be forced to date something they arent attracted too just because others thought they were assholes or b*tches for looking at the ones who are in shape, you can date whoever you want, whether or not they appeal to others…however, if you dont want to date a certain type, who should complain? its your personal life, you look at them 2-7 days a week, your the one dealing with their problems, not everyone else.
    You dont got to be super skinny, you just have to be in shape to your own natural self…I mean, thers really skinny people and built people and just other built with different bone mass but if they dress right and have hygiene, anyone can befriend them alot easier. I dont even like big muscles myself, but I dont like bone-scrawny either, I like balance…just like looks are nice, but yo also cant be an a**hole, or have everything in common with the other thousand males across the street in personality and mainstream interests…I like uniqueness and someone with a similiar mind, too.

    HOWever, that doesnt mean you should just ignore the person’s message to you. Even if you dont think you’d ever want to date them, you can still at least reply with something casual back, even if it goes nowhere in conversation, at least you were nice enough to be someone who actually has a certain respect for the fact that they toke the time to write to you. I mean, thers also someone more interesting or prettier than yourself, or hansome in guys cases…yet they decided to message you. Its not a date, and its not them stalking you in your real life, so a simple on-website message wont hurt.
    As long of course as they didnt say something to offend or creep you out…by all means ignore it if the situation calls for it.

    One think I absolutely agree with on question is this, I quote:
    “Why are men who aren’t sure of themselves adorable, but women who aren’t sure of themselves clinically depressed?”
    indeed. why are females with a little confidence issues the end of the world, boring and waste of your time? when men get away with being the object of attention?.

    Perhaps the reason some girls are inconfident is BECAUSE you(who do or complain about them) ignore them! do men EVEr think that? I get so frustrated and weird around men because I feel like al the others so to speak, they will not even give a care to look at me unless its sexual, hence coiling up…it than is a matter of not only thinking, but knowing it is true, than you stay in that little bubble for years, and the men just dont think twice about what they just did when they ignored that girl who couldve actually used even one honest compliment, and instead, chased the other female down the road showing off her body.
    Its a vicious cyle, and it keeps going on if you dont break it. Sometimes people just need to be reassured, is it so hard? or is 5-100 words going to waste your life down a year or two? if you can talk up other girls who might reject you cause they think they’re the best thing, why is it difficult to talk to someone who might listen?
    I direct that at the males who acutally fit in there, I dont think all guys do, as surely some are not like this, if they were, I wouldnt be friends with many guys of who I am befriended around because Id be tired of their arrogance.

    and to be honest, the unsure “cute” look on guys isnt what Id be wanting in a serious relationship, per my view as a individual female, take it or leave it:
    its okay when they are first approaching you and nervous because it shows you can do that to them and they are probably more interested in you than that boy down the street shouting comments at your body, but after a year, Id hope it goes away… I dont want to feel like a mother before Ive gotten married.

    With an inconfident female, it takes a male who can truely convince us that they are NOT going to be cheating on us. How? by being honest, dont use “were men” as an excuse to not talk…we cant read your minds, girls arent supposed to be titled as yappy, but we sre do look it when men dont want to discuss anything…a relationship cant be one-sided…be truthful and having no reason to hide anything that might actually be important.

    If being honest and truthful/loyal to the female your dating is hard…dont go dating and breaking peoples hearts and trust in you-dont date a girl who takes feelings seriously if your not acutally serious about your feelings…if you are serious and you show it, she will probably feel better about herself, too…just dont go proving her or ANYone in your friendlist wrong by being seen with a new girl on the side! you insulted her and called her stupid for trusting you for ONE and now shes gonna go sinking deeper than she was before she dated, second, you also dissapointed your friends… but cheating happens so commonly, how can one be sane anymore? Maybe if everyone just tried harder and had more paitience, and the ones who love to play with new “toys” meaning new girls/guys, grew up, the world would work better…but that would be too easy, wouldnt it?

    sorry, that was long…haha.

  4. JMart says:

    Their they’re and other fatal errors

    I misspell things frequently and forgive a good deal of spelling mistakes (I’m a man by the way). There are , however, certain mistakes that are commonly made which signal a lack of intelligence. These include, but are not limited to: (1) using ‘they’re’ when you should have used ‘their’ as in “DoucheBags is a great band, I love they’re *gasp* style.” (2) using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.” , If a woman is attractive enough, such mistakes may be acceptable but are certainly a turnoff. If. however, you make mistakes like the ones above when writing to a woman. even that really stupid fill-in-the-blank studies major will deep 6 your email and permanently relegate you to the status of man-bitch.

  5. Grandpa says:

    “Astonished

    Wow, I think the responses by men to this post have put me off online dating forever……..What a bunch of misogynist, jealous,uptight fools! I’m so glad I only spent a short time dating online…………. I had a feeling most of them thought I didn’t want to date them because I was a “gold-digger” or whatever, when in actual fact I just find guys with zero sense of humor and who cannot spell their own name rather off putting. Most of the guys I have met had either personal hygiene problems, were unable to function socially, or attempted to get me into bed on the first night. Online Dating attracts people who would be dating any other way, if they didnt’ have issues that needed sorting out before they are fit to date anyone, the amount of “angry” posts in response to this item kinda proves my point……Online Dating = Issues.”

    Aw don’t generalize all men dating online because of a couple of dummies…Shitty people will attract shitty people. The guy you refer to obviously has mental problems.

  6. max says:

    JMart, you used “you’re” correctly in your example of incorrectness. “You’re really awesome” is correct, as is “you are really awesome.” “You’re really awesome dog wants to come in” would, however, be incorrect.

  7. John Ramsden says:

    @JMart “using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.”

    er, the use of you’re in that example is correct, as in “I think you are really awesome”

  8. Mike says:

    Blueheart7:

    “We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice”

    Did you somehow totally skip this part in your rush to become offended and heartbroken?

  9. suzysportsgirl says:

    This is what I adore about you guys…sexy and compelling begins in your brains!

  10. Not Single says:

    @JMart – Actually, your example of a supposedly incorrect “you’re” is actually the correct usage. You’re is a contraction for “you are” and “your” is a possessive. “You’re really awesome” means “You are really awesome”. “Your really awesome” needs a noun for “you” to possess, like
    “Your really awesome grasp of grammar rocks my world”. :)

  11. Not Single says:

    @c9euphoria – I would totally respond to that, even if it was clearly a gag.

    @Original Post – Amongst my social group, OKC has the reputation as being the place for the “BiPolyPaganGothGamerGeek” crowd (bisexual polyamorous etc). That would explain most of the trends reported here. Also, agreeing with the others that pointed out a lack of response on OKC to aim/msn/gmail/etc doesn’t necessarily mean there was no response, just that there wasn’t one on OKC – useless data.

    @OKC – Also, as an aside to OKC… as someone who is currently neither single nor polyamorous, it still bothers me that I had to go and add this fact to every single section of my profile (which I keep around to look at profiles single friends ask me to check out, and to give feedback on their own’ profiles) because I apparently kept coming up in people’s searches and the people didn’t bother to look at my not available status before sending me messages, which I kept on getting several times a week even after being in a serious relationship for over a year. Nevermind that after I did that people started writing me angry messages accusing me of bait and switch for HAVING a profile at all but not being single. (As a result, I’ve stopped logging on to help my single friends build better profiles, since logging on seems to put me back in the potential match queue). I wish OKC would do a better job of keeping people who have stated that they are unavailable from coming up on people’s search results/quickmatches/whatever.

    @Guys – Final note to all you angry guys on this thread – the main conclusion here is mass-spamming “what up can i hit dat” isn’t going to get you anywhere. Yes, you’re frustrated because you sent 20 carefully-crafted messages and got no response. Well, girls are frustrated because every time they log on they have 100 sleazy messages from guys that appear to have either not read their profile at all, or that appear to be stalking them already. Yes, guys have the harder end of the deal – welcome to real life. Here’s the trick. You don’t need to send stalker-flavored novels, you just need to send a message that’s interesting enough for her to check out your profile. She’ll either be interested, or not. Seriously, that’s that. You can get into the novels once you’ve established that you’re both interested.

  12. Trevor says:

    This study is completely awesome.

  13. Eiregrl73 says:

    @Jmart.

    “(2) using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.”

    That’s actually the correct usage of “you’re” which is a conjunction of “you” and “are.”
    “Hey, I think YOU ARE pretty awesome,” would translate into “hey, I think you’re pretty awesome.”

    “Your” is a possesive adverb, not a conjunction, and would not be used in the sentence you mentioned.

    just sayin’
    ;)

  14. eiregrl7 says:

    I misspoke. “Your” is a pronoun, not an adverb.
    what WAS i thinking?!
    :O

  15. Thinker says:

    The fact is that online dating is not the problem. It’s that future generations are becoming less social in a personal one-on-one-way, more about me and self indulgence, much more inclined to be a follower for the sake of acceptance in social groups (popularity), naive and believing (brainwashed) about everything on tv and other media outlets, losing hope in general for humanity, and society in general is becoming so inclined to trashy noise pollution that the individual is less likely to care, listen or believe in heavily debated issues. Basically: the global population lacks the ability to distinguish right from wrong, has turned more pessimistic, is a product of it’s own ignorance (resource depletion), and community and family structures are deteriorating. Individuals want instant results and more instant results and more instant results. Laziness and shallow minds is the future of tomorrow. the conclusion is nothing more than a living united virus on planet earth. AND. I’m not a part of it. Amen.

  16. Ilovesyntax says:

    Dear JMart,
    you mention that you gasp at mistakes like:
    (2) using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.”

    It pains me to inform you that the sentence you offered as an example is actually correct. “You’re” is simply a conjunction for “you are”, and the sentence “you are really awesome” (although objectionable for other reasons), is grammatically correct. “Your”, on the other hand, shows posession, e.g. I like your awesome hair.

    I’d suggest you revise your anti-grammatical mistakes policy, or just realize that you’re going to inevitably end up with a girl who make the same grammatical mistakes as you.

    Sincerely,
    an English teacher

  17. Ilovesyntax says:

    Dear JMart,
    you mention that you gasp at mistakes like:
    (2) using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.”

    It pains me to inform you that the sentence you offered as an example is actually correct. “You’re” is simply a conjunction for “you are”, and the sentence “you are really awesome” (although objectionable for other reasons), is grammatically correct. “Your”, on the other hand, shows posession, e.g. I like your awesome hair.

    I’d suggest you revise your anti-grammatical mistakes policy, or just realize that you’re going to inevitably end up with a girl who makes the same grammatical mistakes as you.

    Sincerely,
    an English teacher

  18. Adam says:

    @Jmart

    “(2) using ‘you’re’ when you should have used ‘your’ as in “hey I think you’re really awesome *cringe*.””

    What’s funny is that you yourself have it wrong. In the example sentence you gave, “you’re” is the correct word to use. It is a contraction of “you are,” as in “Hey, I think you are really awesome.” While I approve of being a sanctimonious language snob, it helps if you are in fact using correct language.

  19. Dozer says:

    Kudos to Cupid for telling people to knock off that damn text/im/leet grammar. I am as much an internet chat junkie as the next guy, but the bastardization of our language has gone too far. It’s bad enough that our language has been beaten to a pulp by ebonics and other such forms of slang, yet now we have to deal with people saying “L-O-L” in regular face-to-face interaction. I can tell if you’re laughing out loud, you’re right the f*** in front of me! I sincerely hope that the people who perpetuate this dumbing-down of our language read this article; however, these are most likely the types who don’t read anything of an intellectual or scientific nature.
    Further, I’d like to thank okcupid for telling us that it’s not only okay to be Atheist, but it actually improves your odds when pursuing relationships online. I have always bit my tongue on the religious question because my lack of faith (or lack of “proper” faith) because many people will belittle you for believing that you’re in control of your own life. Now that there’s statistical evidence that my spirtuality is an asset, I will flaunt it.

    I’d also like to respond to a couple of comments before my own…

    In response to “JMart”: If you’re going to tell people that they’re idiots for using the improper word, you damn well better get it right yourself. In YOUR post, YOU’RE incorrect in saying that “you’re” is the wrong form of you(r/’re) in the sentence, “hey I think you’re really awesome.” “You’re” being a contraction of the words “you” and “are” makes perfect sense when saying “you are really awesome.”

    In response to “ange”: I think it’s rather presumptuous of you to say that people who use pet names for their significant other or call their pets by the species they are or call their family members by their relationship together are acting possessive. Surely, it is demeaning for a person to use petnames with a person they have just met, but when there’s a long established relationship, it is most-likely a simple term of endearment. I, personally, call my siblings “brother” or “sister” (or simply “bro” or “sis”) when addressing them, I call my cousins “cousin” or “cuz” when referring to them. I would hope– for your sake– that you would never accuse me of being an asshole if you witnessed me calling my neice simply “kid”. The fact that I use defining words rather than proper nouns to address certain people and animals DOES NOT mean I care any less about them, and it certainly does not illustrate that I regard them as an object and not a being.
    Further, it is rather hypocritical of you to chastize people for using these terms when later in your post you say, “Noone should be forced to date something they arent attracted too,” which clearly proves that you don’t treat all people with the same respect you feel you deserve.
    Finally, ange, I feel I speak for everyone– that had the patience to read your entire post– when I say, save your psychotic rants and derailed train of thought for your own blog. If we need a break from reality (and grammar) we’ll look up your profile.

    ~~If anyone wishes to comment to me directly about what I have said, my okcupid profile name is “fourgramsoffear”~~

  20. KaiBaron says:

    JNart wrote “which signal a lack of intelligence”

    Wow…that was really silly, and unfounded, and definitely not “fatal.” In fact, if you can spell either of the pairings you offered correctly this would demonstrate “enough” intelligence…I score 168 on the Stanford/Bennett, and I will continue to spell things phonetically by wrote and make mistakes like their/they’re, its/it’s, etc.. (sorry ladies…forgive me please) worse still, I will continue to swap “ie” in many places…I can’t remember all the rules in English, although I speak fluently. Like “Einstein” I too (or is it “to,” or “two?”) have “ei” appear twice in my name, Americans get it wrong about 98.6% of the time, even when told how to remember the rule (as opposed to “exception”). Funny, I never have problems with the other languages I read and write, including a pretty good ability with Japanese, and a percentage of Chinese (where putting a dash in the wrong place changes the entire meaning).

    I’m not attempting to flame here, just, as a statistician myself (like the authors of this site), I get a little perturbed when people just make stuff up.

    Unrelated…and for the record, I’m an atheist, a vegetarian, and I used “Zeus” in several messages in the past week LOL.
    OKCupid…thank you for building this site, keep it going!
    The great thing about this site is it is a great chance to learn about women more deeply, moving past a pretty face… I’ve also made some great (or is grate?) friends (or is it friends?) here…hear, gee, I feel so…stupid…

  21. KaiBaron says:

    Doh….that was ‘rote,” for “wrote,” but the pun worked as well…

    Ya’ll are so smart keeping it all straight…

  22. deepak sharma says:

    hey thanks a lot, i have read the suggestion, , and i will try to improve my approach towards other . ………

  23. deon says:

    does it works

  24. abe says:

    I’m inclined to believe that IQ test was grossly in error.

  25. Mateo says:

    I think the reason atheism does so well is because it is sooo hard to find people in real life that are atheist. I mean lets face it probably 10% of the total population is atheist, and I’m just going to guess that 50% of those are women. Put yourself in a conservative state like Texas and those number dwindle pretty fast. The beauty of online dating is that you can immediately exclude people who, lets face it, would probably not get along with you anyway. And you don’t have to go on 2 dates just to find out she’s a born again Christian and you’ve wasted your time and money.

    The danger I suppose, is that you’ll exclude people who would have been convertible, such as people who maybe haven’t thought about the subject really hard. I would hope this would not be the case, but some people just put whatever Religion their parents are even if they never practice.

  26. rising369 says:

    I have found myself inclined to ignore certain types of messages including many of what is found above. There is something very upsetting about someone who is unable to properly convey their message in an electronic medium. I have it specifically in my profile that if you refuse to or are too lazy to use proper spelling, grammar, or punctuation to please refrain from messaging me. If I can’t understand the message or have to pull out a ‘guide to typing like a 5 year old’ in order to decipher your message then you are not worth my time, because I have found that most of those who are not literate enough to write in an understandable manner are also difficult to to understand during verbal conversations.

    I do not use ‘netspeak’ ‘l337 sp34k’ or any other unusual forms of lazy languages when communicating and would expect the same respect from anyone else who I communicated with. Someone who won’t take the time to glance for quick and obvious spelling errors will obviously fail in taking the same amount of time to get to know me, or read through my interests or my entire profile. If you can speak/type using proper spelling and grammar do so (There are plenty of free sites and services available to use for spell and grammar checks, USE THEM!) or risk being ignored for being a lazy, uninteresting and disrespectful.

    I will continue to delete and blacklist users who send me messages that are not worth my time in responding to.

  27. viksra says:

    I love these statistics! These graphs and the data mining used to get this would be really fun to work with!

  28. Megan says:

    @Mateo, you’re absolutely right about atheism. Most people in online dating communities are Christian (no evidence to back that up, just experience). So when somebody is writing you and including the word “atheism”, it’s like picking out a random interest from the other person’s profile that most people don’t have (ie “metal”, “band”, “zombie” from the study above).

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  30. Darxus says:

    “#4 – Don’t try to take it outside.” is impressively bad.

    You’re judging success based on response rate *within* okcupid. So for all you know, every person who included chat or email information in a first message is now living happily ever after with the person they messaged.

  31. emma says:

    good job guys. work well done. ;)

  32. Nick Retallack says:

    They should use this information to tell you the probability you’ll get a response to your message before you send it. Why bother sending a statistically terrible message?

  33. Ayamikhan says:

    I need to get permission from someone I have not seen online in nearly two years. She described my first mail to her as uniquely bonkers and I hope she won’t mind me sharing here.

  34. Ecnassianer says:

    I would love to see how smilies effect response rate. :) :D ^_^ :-) Would they have the same effect as hahas and lols?

  35. Antony says:

    Excellent analysis, found this article thoroughly fascinating! I’m glad i’m on the right lines when it comes to interests, atheism, ‘no-netspeak’, but i was quite surprised at the statistics of greetings [i.e. hello, hi, hey etc.] and male-effacement! Thank you OKC Team, i’m sure this article will help many people express themselves just that little bit better ;) Keep up the good work.

  36. Simon says:

    I’m not sure I agree on rule 2: “avoid physical compliments”
    If it’s a compliment which could be said to anyone as, for example, “you’re pretty”, then it doesn’t mean much, so I wouldn’t say it or write it.
    What I might say, however, is something much more specific. If there was something I noticed which was specifically about that person and I wanted to tell her and it couldn’t apply to anyone else, I would say it. That would be approaching her as an individual, saying something which was unique to her. That kind of comment is much more genuine and spontaneous.

    I like rule 5 (“specific interests”) but I would put it more generally, including beliefs, attitudes, sense of humour, or some little thing you were doing that day.
    Anything you write which is about you personally is interesting to read and gives the feel of a real person writing those words rather than a clone of everyone else.

  37. Miguel says:

    How do you know the zombie statistics were not skewed by the number of people who like Rob Zombie?

  38. Scott says:

    I am male and use to be in the military. Military towns often have the unfortunate tendency to being fairly small, and the population tends to be heavily weighed towards men as a result. Dating for single military guys gets pretty tough! I was wondering if you could look at some of your data through this lens. One question you already looked at was something along the lines of “Is it okay to date someone just for the sex?”

    You could isolate military populations by dollars spent by the DoD in each zip code, per capita in a state, or (in a crude sense) by how much the under-25 male-to-female ratio diverges from the average in a given area.

    Anyway, I’d be interested in the data this would return! It would probably confirm general assumptions you could make about any under-25, male-skewed population: sex is a priority, behavior is riskier, etc.

  39. Volleyball123 says:

    I totally agree with the ‘avoid physical compliments in the first message’ advice. It comes off as a pick up line even if the guy doesn’t mean it to. It’s one thing to pick someone up on a date and tell them they look fabulous (since they probably spent time picking out an outfit and getting ready) its a totally different thing to open up communication by saying ‘you’re hot’ It tends to translate as ‘I want to get some’ and I agree with Ok’s comment…it leaves me feeling eww! Also, one guy opened up his IM conversation with ‘hey girl’ and I conveniently signed off before I had to talk to him … I guess this falls under not using slang…but no matter where it falls, It definitely doesn’t work for me!

  40. Serra says:

    I commend this post. I’m so tired of getting messages IM and Inox that say things like “yur hot” It makes you sound ignorant and shallow, and I think-and no offence ment here- guys do it the majority of the time, I know that I have never opened up conversation with such a crude statment and I usually ignore most that I get like that.
    A couple words of advice men, from the perspective of an educated female, or, at least I think I am,

    ‘Leet speak’ not a good Idea.

    complaments are nice, saying I have a pretty smile or nice eyes etc. is fine opening a message with ‘your hot’ or ‘danm you sexy’ not a good Idea.

    telling a girl all of your sexual fantisies in a PM not smart.

    and finally, and this one is important, DO NOT, ask me to; a. IM you on yahoo, AIM, MSN, etc. and or b. do not ask for my phone number to text and send pictures, it’s not a good idea, and once in a while might get you luck, but if you just want to see soem girl that lives across the countries tits-excuse the lauange- get some effin’ porn.

    excuse any spelling mistakes Im a phonetic speller so yeah hope this helps.

    -Serradcat

  41. ббб says:

    ange.. wow. that was long. didn’t read all of it.
    if a guy doesn’t look you over, then either:
    he’s lost his spectacles, or
    he’s gay (not bi. totally gay), or
    he’s lost his mind.

    “Why are men who aren’t sure of themselves adorable, but women who aren’t sure of themselves clinically depressed?”
    hmmm, is it odd that guys see the exact reverse of this double standard? (almost exactly the same statement, except transpose the genders and substitute “loser” or “psycho” for “clinically depressed”)

    reading more. “and the men just dont think twice about what they just did when they ignored that girl who couldve actually used even one honest compliment, ”
    i think you need to become comfortable knowing (enough) guys think you’re a “hot babe”. saying something different would be a *dishonest* compliment. :-)
    “and instead, chased the other female down the road showing off her body.”

    when any woman wears something slinkier than a steel oil barrel, she’s showing of her body. we males have xray vision :-)

    IME, “its” vs “it’s” are more often misapplied than are you’re vs your (or, their vs there).

    “Yes, you’re frustrated because you sent 20 carefully-crafted messages and got no response. Well, girls are frustrated because every time they log on they have 100 sleazy messages from guys that appear to have either not read their profile at all, or that appear to be stalking them already. Yes, guys have the harder end of the deal – welcome to real life. Here’s the trick. You don’t need to send stalker-flavored novels, you just need to send a message that’s interesting enough for her to check out your profile. She’ll either be interested, or not. Seriously, that’s that. You can get into the novels once you’ve established that you’re both interested.”

    yes. i was one who sent responses very pertinent to the woman’s ad. after a while, I sent long responses only to the longer ads. But that still didn’t get replies. My sense of it now is similar to yours: *Never* write long response, even to a long ad (consider that the w4m ad may have originally been short, in *preferred* style of the w4m, but grew by being edited over ensuing months.)

    However, I stopped trying the ads. Even the few “better quality” ads are likely written while w4m is in best form, and are therefore unrepresentative. So, knowing that, I realized women IRL are far better than 99.9% (poetic license percentage) of dating site w4m.

    Also regarding first response to ads or elsewhere, response&reply on ad sites *should* more resemble everyday repeat(able) meetings, rather than, “we met briefly on the plane to Caracas and I may never see you again amongst a world pop of 6.8B! Here’s my number! call me!”

  42. ббб says:

    “I do not use ‘netspeak’ ‘l337 sp34k’ or any other unusual forms of lazy languages when communicating ”
    I preferred creative ads, and enjoyed matching it in my responses.
    BTW, writing in £³³t §¶³ªk is not time-efficient, therefore labeling it as “lazy”, seems inaccurate.
    I hope you include a disclaimer in your ad, such as, “don’t bother responding if you’re not a net snoot like I am!”. Else you’re wasting readers’ time, and unnecessarily incurring a befouled inbox upon yourself.
    BTW, regarding £³³t dating: In the 1990’s there was a geek ad site in which posters could include their geekcode. Sadly, there were only approximately 3 women posters, which worked out to approx ½ a woman after applying the typical dating site fake:real ratio of 5:1.

  43. come for the zombies says:

    stay for the brain pizzas

  44. Sandy says:

    I agree with the advice on the word God in first messages. When a man sends an email with I am or I want a God fearing (or any mention of God), I decline any further contact with that person. If they actually read my profile, they would know this, so the only time I waste on them is to nicely turn them down.

  45. Nishan says:

    I question your stats in the number 2 section titled – avoid physical compliments. I agree that it is a turn off if used as a pick up line. however if you mean it, and are sincere and genuine in your compliment. then why not. if someone takes offense at a sincere compliment, then they have a ploblem. it’s easy to find fault with others while ignoring your own faults.

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  47. therisingsun says:

    Bollocks! This whole system failed. I very carefully compiled this expert opening line: “I’m curious what you think of that great movie about a vegetarian zombie metal band who tour grad schools in Germany singing about physics and giving free tattoos in exchange for brains. I hear they’re probably making it into a video game soon.”

    I used the line on five random matches across OKcupid, in addition to carefully chosen comments and questions based upon their profile information, formulated to utilize EVERY recommended tip. I said EXACTLY what to say, and the result: Not a single response!

    Please, point out my wrongdoing so I can at least match the statistics!

  48. James says:

    This is quite interesting, and some of it I tend to agree with – but a lot of this is very subjective. I’m not sure that a blanket ‘this is good, this is bad’ is a very accurate way of looking at things.

    For example, if you commonly mis-spell certain words it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re lazy. It could simply come down to a lack of education, or a problem such as dyslexia. In that case, do you really want to be lumbered with someone who’s so up themselves that they can’t forgive you a few simple grammatical errors?

    These findings tend to assume that everyone is looking for the same thing in a friend and/or partner. I’m generally quite a casual and laid-back sort of person, and I find anyone who can’t tolerate the odd “u” in place of “you” normally takes themselves very seriously and I don’t enjoy talking to them. For me, therefore, it’s best to use a little bit of slang to weed out these people to start with, so that the replies I get back come from the sorts of people I prefer to talk to!

  49. Moira says:

    This is awesome. Two questions:

    1. Where are your error bars?

    2. Are you single?

  50. eLLy says:

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