Comments on: Online Dating Advice: Optimum Message Length http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/ The Official Blog of OkCupid.com Sat, 22 May 2010 04:30:59 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Larry http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-8775 Larry Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:26:38 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-8775 I think you've drawn some incorrect conclusions based on message length. To me, the data clearly shows no effect from message length. The response and conversation results are virtually identical for all, but the very shortest message lengths. Write long or write short makes no difference. The difference must then be in the content. You cite a 32% response rate. I only wish my resposne rate was anywhere near that high. Currently it's right around zero. I think you’ve drawn some incorrect conclusions based on message length. To me, the data clearly shows no effect from message length. The response and conversation results are virtually identical for all, but the very shortest message lengths. Write long or write short makes no difference. The difference must then be in the content. You cite a 32% response rate. I only wish my resposne rate was anywhere near that high. Currently it’s right around zero.

]]>
By: Long writer http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-8769 Long writer Sat, 06 Mar 2010 13:20:08 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-8769 Although length is something to consider, content is most definitely more important. Consider the following message: I noticed you visited my profile and left no message or response to it which is fine. I am just writing in hopes to find out if there is a reason why no response. It seems to happen alot when people visit my profile and I want to find out if there is something that causes the person to lose interest. I know this is going to come off insecure but take it as me trying to improve my profile instead. I know looks matter some what and i know i am not the studliest guy but i am definitely not the ugliest either..haha. I would really appreciate your feed back, by the way hold nothing back, I am not fragile..haha. I mean, it's pretty long at 493 characters, but the content just screams, "Nobody likes me; everybody hates me. What am I doing wrong? Should I be eating worms?" How should a woman even reply to this message? There are plenty of reasons for profile views including the uncontrolled flip through Quickmatch. Then there are longer messages from guys who have something interesting to say. Now, if it's been a long day at work and my eyes are tired, I'll glance over it and leave it. Eventually, I'll get around to replying, though. If it's worth a reply. Although length is something to consider, content is most definitely more important.

Consider the following message:

I noticed you visited my profile and left no message or response to it which is fine. I am just writing in hopes to find out if there is a reason why no response. It seems to happen alot when people visit my profile and I want to find out if there is something that causes the person to lose interest. I know this is going to come off insecure but take it as me trying to improve my profile instead. I know looks matter some what and i know i am not the studliest guy but i am definitely not the ugliest either..haha. I would really appreciate your feed back, by the way hold nothing back, I am not fragile..haha.

I mean, it’s pretty long at 493 characters, but the content just screams, “Nobody likes me; everybody hates me. What am I doing wrong? Should I be eating worms?” How should a woman even reply to this message? There are plenty of reasons for profile views including the uncontrolled flip through Quickmatch.

Then there are longer messages from guys who have something interesting to say. Now, if it’s been a long day at work and my eyes are tired, I’ll glance over it and leave it. Eventually, I’ll get around to replying, though. If it’s worth a reply.

]]>
By: Colin http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-8394 Colin Tue, 23 Feb 2010 16:15:16 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-8394 I'd love to see a similar analysis on profile content and length. I’d love to see a similar analysis on profile content and length.

]]>
By: Bob The SR22 Insurance Guy http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-7708 Bob The SR22 Insurance Guy Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:16:06 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-7708 Thanks for the interesting website. This is what most people are not aware of. I love your perspective. Well reasearched and quite an eye opener! ... Thanks for the interesting website. This is what most people are not aware of. I love your perspective. Well reasearched and quite an eye opener! …

]]>
By: dllahr http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-7691 dllahr Sat, 06 Feb 2010 23:52:18 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-7691 I followed this advice for 2 weeks - kept my initial message length around 100. Send out 20 messages. Got 0 responses. So I switched back to my old method of writing a paragraph or two (~400 chars). That brought me back to regular 1/4 - 1/5 response rate. Anyway, I know 20 isn't a lot, and there could have been a lot of other factors, but to go from 4/20 to 0/20 does seem significant. I'm guessing that I'm in a weird enough category (looks, job, background) that I don't fit into the regular mold. I followed this advice for 2 weeks – kept my initial message length around 100. Send out 20 messages. Got 0 responses. So I switched back to my old method of writing a paragraph or two (~400 chars). That brought me back to regular 1/4 – 1/5 response rate.

Anyway, I know 20 isn’t a lot, and there could have been a lot of other factors, but to go from 4/20 to 0/20 does seem significant. I’m guessing that I’m in a weird enough category (looks, job, background) that I don’t fit into the regular mold.

]]>
By: Alex http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-7389 Alex Wed, 27 Jan 2010 04:02:17 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-7389 I hate what you are implying. That you should be messaging hundreds of girls, and seeking out a strategy of maximum efficiency. Blah. Seriously? How sad. It's guys who have such attitudes who are the reason that women are a bitter and quiet people. And why this site is flawed vs eHarmony's paradigm. I hate what you are implying. That you should be messaging hundreds of girls, and seeking out a strategy of maximum efficiency. Blah. Seriously? How sad. It’s guys who have such attitudes who are the reason that women are a bitter and quiet people. And why this site is flawed vs eHarmony’s paradigm.

]]>
By: HandsomGeek79 http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-6895 HandsomGeek79 Tue, 19 Jan 2010 08:23:58 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-6895 Response rate is fascinating and I'm sure there are a lot of factors at play. Very attractive women tend to have a full in box, so while they may enjoy reading it. The intimidation factor of giving a response to everything you say and coming up with new material of her own could keep you from a response. I usually model the length of my letter around her profile. If it's long and well thought out, then I'll write her a longer more intelligent message. I don't even write women who feel they can go off of looks alone with a terse and shoddy profile. Not responding to long emails is something I'm even guilty of. Even if I'm interested in the person and it's a great letter, I'm often drained after work and just don't want to put in the effort of giving back about equally. I'll often grab a shorter letter with a couple of questions, knock it out and maybe chat online. It's possible that women have more trouble writing a response because they don't write as many personal dating letters as we do. Heck, there average is only 50 words on initial contact. I'd say that could be evidence that they just don't like writing them. The final point may seem chauvinistic but she is a stranger that you have some interest in. You don't know how old her picture is whether there are lies in her profile. Or if there's just some personality trait that drives you crazy. I think a long letter makes you come off as needy with little to do other than chasing girls. You want to show interest but she hasn't earned the right to you spending an hour or more on a masterfully written lengthy letter. There are many incredible women here and there's no reason for you to make the one you're writing so special yet. I'd rather send a shorter one to her and a few other women that I think are good people. Then spend more time and write either my sis, mom or a female friend that I know deserves and can appreciate what I'm putting into it. Be respectful and honest but also keep your priorities in line. Response rate is fascinating and I’m sure there are a lot of factors at play. Very attractive women tend to have a full in box, so while they may enjoy reading it. The intimidation factor of giving a response to everything you say and coming up with new material of her own could keep you from a response. I usually model the length of my letter around her profile. If it’s long and well thought out, then I’ll write her a longer more intelligent message. I don’t even write women who feel they can go off of looks alone with a terse and shoddy profile.

Not responding to long emails is something I’m even guilty of. Even if I’m interested in the person and it’s a great letter, I’m often drained after work and just don’t want to put in the effort of giving back about equally. I’ll often grab a shorter letter with a couple of questions, knock it out and maybe chat online. It’s possible that women have more trouble writing a response because they don’t write as many personal dating letters as we do. Heck, there average is only 50 words on initial contact. I’d say that could be evidence that they just don’t like writing them.

The final point may seem chauvinistic but she is a stranger that you have some interest in. You don’t know how old her picture is whether there are lies in her profile. Or if there’s just some personality trait that drives you crazy. I think a long letter makes you come off as needy with little to do other than chasing girls. You want to show interest but she hasn’t earned the right to you spending an hour or more on a masterfully written lengthy letter. There are many incredible women here and there’s no reason for you to make the one you’re writing so special yet. I’d rather send a shorter one to her and a few other women that I think are good people. Then spend more time and write either my sis, mom or a female friend that I know deserves and can appreciate what I’m putting into it.

Be respectful and honest but also keep your priorities in line.

]]>
By: Ash http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-6579 Ash Tue, 29 Dec 2009 02:48:45 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-6579 Message length should be kept short. Message length should be kept short.

]]>
By: BobOm http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-6295 BobOm Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:34:21 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-6295 Do the response rates for messages account for prior contact, either via IM or in person? Do the response rates for messages account for prior contact, either via IM or in person?

]]>
By: -DameSansMerci http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/03/how-to-get-people-to-reply-to-your-messages-in-online-dating-part-i/comment-page-5/#comment-6216 -DameSansMerci Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:48:37 +0000 http://blog.okcupid.com/?p=237#comment-6216 I like it when I can tell a man actually read my profile and has something worth saying to grab my attention. I go so far as to specifically state in my profile that I won't respond to messages that aren't interesting. I like long ones when what they have to say continues to be interesting. But I'm amazed when men send me messages with things like "Hey how are you you should check out my profile" and expect me to respond. I get far too many messages on here to jump at the opportunity to reply to every single one. I think the most likely thing in my mind to ever get a message read is knowing they read my profile and have relevant information or an interest in my ideas. I usually give men the courtesy of a reply in those instances weather I'm interested in dating them or not. I like it when I can tell a man actually read my profile and has something worth saying to grab my attention. I go so far as to specifically state in my profile that I won’t respond to messages that aren’t interesting. I like long ones when what they have to say continues to be interesting. But I’m amazed when men send me messages with things like “Hey how are you you should check out my profile” and expect me to respond. I get far too many messages on here to jump at the opportunity to reply to every single one.

I think the most likely thing in my mind to ever get a message read is knowing they read my profile and have relevant information or an interest in my ideas. I usually give men the courtesy of a reply in those instances weather I’m interested in dating them or not.

]]>