Nerds. As we all know, the Internet is a great place to pretend to be someone you're not. For instance, here's me in Second Life having a great time:

Anyhow, in many online situations, self-misrepresentation is totally harmless. Like, who cares if your Halo 3 avatar is taller than you are in real life? Or if flickr thinks you're single when you're really married? But in online dating, where the whole goal is to eventually meet other people in person, creating a false impression is a whole different deal.
People do everything they can in their OkCupid profiles to make themselves seem awesome, and surely many of our users genuinely are. But it's very hard for the casual browser to tell truth from fiction. With our behind-the-scenes perspective, we're able to shed some light on some typical claims and the likely realities behind them.

Let's get started.
"I'm 6 feet tall."
REALITY: People are two inches shorter in real life.
This whole post was inspired by an amusing graph we stumbled across while trying to answer the question Do taller guys have more sex? The answer, to a degree, is yes, and I'll expand on that in a little bit. But in this case what was more interesting than the sex was the (supposed) tallness of the guys.

The male heights on OkCupid very nearly follow the expected normal distribution—except the whole thing is shifted to the right of where it should be. You can see it better when we overlay the implied best fit below (pardon the technical language):

Almost universally guys like to add a couple inches. You can also see a more subtle vanity at work: starting at roughly 5' 8", the top of the dotted curve tilts even further rightward. This means that guys as they get closer to six feet round up a bit more than usual, stretching for that coveted psychological benchmark.
When we looked into the data for women, we were surprised to see height exaggeration was just as widespread, though without the lurch towards a benchmark height:

On a somewhat humbling personal note, I just went back and looked at my own profile, and apparently I list myself at 5' 11". Really, I'm a touch under 5' 10". Hmmm.
As for whether it even makes sense for people to make such an obvious and easily disproved exaggeration, the jury is out. We've found that taller people, up to a point, have more sex:

But as far as messages go, shorter women actually seem to get more attention:

These are the average weekly unsolicited message totals by height; you can think of these as the number of times a person is "hit on" out of the blue each week on OkCupid. a 5' 4" woman gets 60 more contacts each year than a six-footerThe genders are plotted on different scales because of the eternal fact that men almost always make the first move, so women get many more unsolicited messages.
It's plain from these two charts that women six feet or taller are either less attractive to men or are considered too intimidating to message. The data also raises the interesting possibility that these tall women are much more likely to sleep with a man who does approach them. Compare the 6' 0" woman to her 5' 4" counterpart: the taller woman gets hit on about two-thirds as much, yet has had slightly more sex partners.
"I make $100,000 a year."
REALITY: People are 20% poorer than they say they are.
Apparently, an online dater's imagination is the best performing mutual fund of the last 10 years. Here's what people are saying on OkCupid, versus what their incomes should be:
Use the slider to watch as people exaggerate more as they get older. As you can see, people advertise disproportionately high salaries for themselves. Just to pick a symbolic amount, there are consistently 4× the number of people making $100K a year than there should be.
Note that in formulating the "expected" lines for each age we were very careful to adjust for OkCupid's particular demographics: we compared every individual against the average not just by age but by zip code. Here a breakdown by gender of the exaggeration rates:

A woman may earn 76 cents on the dollar for the same work as a man, but she can fabricate, like, 85 cents no problem.
We did a little investigating as to whether a person's stated income had any real effect on his or her online dating experience. Unsurprisingly, we found that it matters a lot, particularly for men. This is a by-age messaging distribution:

These bold colors contain a subtle message: if you're a young guy and don't make much money, cool. If you're 23 or older and don't make much money, go die in a fire. It's not hard to see where the incentive to exaggerate comes from.
"Here's a recent pic."

REALITY: The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date.
The above picture, for example, was over two years old when it was uploaded. How do we know? Most modern cameras append text tags to the jpgs they take. These tags, called EXIF metadata, specify things like the exposure and f-stop settings, gps information if your camera has it, and, of course, the time and date the photo was taken. This is how programs like iPhoto know when (and sometimes where) you've taken your pictures.
Analyzing this stuff, we found that most of the pictures on OkCupid were of recent vintage; site-wide the median photo age at upload was just 92 days. However, hotter photos were much more likely to be outdated than normal ones. Here's a comparison (the age of a picture below is how old it was when it was uploaded to our site):

As you can see, over a third of the hottest photos on the site are a year old or more. And more than twice as many hot photos are over three years old (12%) as average-looking ones (5%), which makes sense because people are more inclined to cling to the pics that make them look their best
Another useful (if somewhat unorthodox) way to take in this graph is to follow the horizontal gridlines. If you trace out from "20%", for example, you can see that 1 in 5 average-looking photos is at least a year old, meanwhile, among the hot photos, nearly 1 in 5 is at least two years old.
It also turns out that older people also upload older photos:

The upshot here is, if you see a good-looking picture of a man over 30, that photo is very likely to be out-of-date. Not to get personal again, but my own OkCupid photo shows a Burberry-dressed 27 year-old, strumming away on his guitar. Meanwhile, I turn 35 in a couple months and am writing this post in the same shorts and tee-shirt I've been wearing for a week. Time waits for no man, unless that man doesn't update his personal information.
"I'm bisexual."
REALITY: 80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender.
OkCupid is a gay- and bi-friendly place and it's not our intention here to call into question anyone's sexual identity. But when we looked into messaging trends by sexuality, we were very surprised at what we found. People who describe themselves as bisexual overwhelmingly message either one sex or the other, not both as you might expect. Site-wide, here's how it breaks out:

This suggests that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches. You can actually see these trends in action in the chart below.
Again, this is just the data we've collected. We'd be very interested in our bisexual users' thoughts on this single-sex-messaging phenomenon, so if you'd like to weigh-in please use the comments section. Please note, everybody, that we don’t assume that bis should be “into both genders equally.” We only assume that they should be into both genders at all. The swaths of red and blue that you see in these sexuality charts represent people who message only one gender. The purple areas are people who send any messages, in whatever proportion, to both men and women.

In this chart, throughout the teens and twenties, the male bisexual population is mostly observably gay men. By the mid-thirties, it seems, most of these men are more comfortable self-identifying as gay and have left the bi population. By the end of our chart, 3 of every 4 bi males on OkCupid are observably straight. Meanwhile, the proportion of men who message both women and other men holds fairly steady.
The proportions for women are more consistent over time:

12% of women under 35 on OkCupid (and the internet in general, I'd wager) self-identify as bi. However, as you can see above, only about 1 in 4 of those women is actually into both guys and girls at the same time. I know this will come as a big letdown to the straight male browsing population: three-fourths of your fantasies are, in fact, fantasies of a fantasy. Like bi men, most bi women are, for whatever reason, not observably bi. The primacy of America's most popular threesome, two dudes and an Xbox, is safe.
In gathering data for this last section on sexuality, we found so much interesting stuff that we're making it the topic of our next post. We'll look at the messaging, searching, and stalking (!) patterns of gay, bi, and straight people and see what else we can learn about the sexual continuum. Until then, no lie: thanks for reading.
I pretty much agree with Janet. More interested in guy’s personalities, more interested in women physically, but because I’m a personality girl, guys usually win. Plus, I do think guys initiate more contacts in general. I’m in a relationship now anyway, so I don’t do much messaging on OkCupid these days because most people I think are probably looking for a romantic relationship, not just friends. But I will respond to messages given to me, whether male or female. I will say I’ve gotten way more messages from men, and usually if it’s a girl I will initiate the message.
I like the idea of a bisexuality “slider.” I think the current “bisexual” label is either too limiting or too broad. Some people are bi but prefer one sex over the other, but they are open to the other gender if the right person comes along.
This is the most interesting post I’ve read in OKTrends, and it speaks to a definite issue with online dating: General lack of truthfulness.
I’ve also experienced the scenario of which Sean speaks; women (and men) thinking I’m taller than I really am. I’d never considered the possibility that others were lying (maybe even to themselves) and that would skew my perceived height taller than the 6-foot-3 I claim to be. … And, OK, bout of absolute honesty, when last measured some time ago, I was 6-foot-2 and 7/8.
I’m also a member at Match.com (where I receive virtually zero interest from women) and I’ve often wondered whether stated income plays a role. I’m not going to lie about what my career has earned me. But I feel like if I did — or if I could suddenly, honestly say I was earning $100,000 a year, or $150,000+ — the number of replies or even initial contacts I receive from women would explode. (I’m not accusing women of being shallow here. All right, I’m accusing some women of being shallow. Others are just looking for someone who is their “earning equal,” or for the kind of family and future security a high income provides. It isn’t necessarily about the diamonds and the Mercedes.)
Anyway, I do believe that whatever lies you tell online will come back to bite you in real life, and that there’s no chance of getting away with it forever. Lying might work to get her attention, but who you really are is what will keep her, and I don’t know a single woman whose profile says she’s looking for a liar.
For the record, I’m 6-3 (yeah, yeah, 6-2 7/8), overweight (but losing), at least for now of modest income (but with big goals), and all my pictures are from New Year’s Eve 2009 or newer. What you see is what you’ll get. After all, I’d hate to meet you in person and have you immediately roll your eyes and walk away.
This is so true!!!
I have never seen so many bisexual women on a dating sites! And when meeting them in real life, nothing!!!!
I think putting bisexual is a kin of turn on for me and their FFM fantasies, which is sad for all the “real” bisexual women.
My friend’s ex-husband is on Okcupid with a current photo but lists his age as 55. He is 75. The photo doesn’t look 55, either.
One of the men I met listed his height as 5’10”. He might have been 5’5″ — not more than that. It’s ridiculous to lie about height — it’s obvious as soon as you look at a person. Whereas, chopping a couple of years (NOT 20) off your age is probably not noticeable.
Conclusion: Men lie about height, income, and # of children. Women lie about weight. Everyone lies about age.
In the early days of my using OKC I briefly (albeit falsely) listed myself as “bisexual” to indicate that I was open-minded enough to consider all manner of sex.
I suspect also the reason most people’s photos tend to be a couple of years old is that generally it’s very rare a picture that is decent enough to be scrutinised by potentials actually comes along. I’m not totally butt-ugly or anything but considering the fact most people tend to have their photo taken whilst socialising or on holiday, this leaves very few pictures of you in a ‘natural’ pose.
The Internet is quite an unforgiving place. Not only do people (justifiably) laugh at ‘the Myspace Pout’ and other symptoms of Internet Disease (google if unfamiliar with the phenomen) but received wisdom states that the opposite sex reacts badly to photos that are
(a) posed
(b) formal work/school mugshots
(c) depicting you wearing a hat/glasses/shades
(d) depicting you holding an alcoholic beverage or smoking
(e) in a large group of people significantly more or less attractive than you
(f) too amateurish
(g) too professional – highly suspicious of people that have ‘fashion photoshoots’done of themselves
it really doesn’t leave a lot of options!
Good to know there are plenty of gold-digging lowlifes around.
I really am 5’20” (6’8″ for the mathematically challenged) and I’m 43 — it is what it is. Where are all the 6’2″ fit gals? Do they run and hide? Or are they already taken?
Loved the blog!
I lied about my height but made myself 1/2 ” shorter than my doctor told me I was. Because I personally think that I am shorter than people tell me.
I either don’t list my income or put it one bracket lower because I just don’t like listing what I actually make and would rather make more than what people think so I can surprise them with a nice dinner in a more expensive place than normal occaisionally. I also have one very outdated photo but I also labelled it without a date while all the others have a date on them and I like to put up a new photo as soon as it is taken as I change my look frequently and so it only seems fair.
I guess i work on the assumption of if you give people lower expectations without totally trashing yourself they will be surprised but pleasantly.
One piece of crucial data is missing from the income chart: people who chose “rather not say” or leaves it blank. I’d like to know how that influences whether or not a man gets messaged.
Hm.. I must be doing this wrong. I figure I’m somewhere between 5’11” and 6′, so I posted my height as 5’11” — I don’t want to over-advertise. I guess I’d rather someone be favourable surprised, than disappointed. But, that might be poor marketing… overpromise, under-deliver?
I’m not surprised about the data regarding shorter women and taller men being more popular given a frequent requirement than the man be taller. However, if this is the case why is the height inflation trend consistent across height? I would expect:
– short men and women to add more inches than tall men and women
– tall women to SUBTRACT inches
This seems so uniform it feels more like a measurement or sample bias than anything intentional. I’d be surprised if everyone wanted to be taller, regardless.
I’d also be curious how individuals who do not state their income fare. I am on the upper end of the range but don’t include it for fear that it will be a reason women would contact me who would not otherwise (I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger…)
Hmmm…selection bias is the first thing that came to my mind. If the height and income curves are shifted, it could be that richer and/or taller people use okcupid. Without the actual “real life” data of members, the conclusions can’t be made with any amount of certainty.
Aruna made a comment that made me want to comment.
“Frankly, I don’t think most women on this site are that shallow, but I also don’t think they initiate too many of the first contacts.”
I’ve heard there are some pretty shallow women on this site, but I have to say there are just as many (if not more) shallow men. As far as initiating first contact… Some guys find it very nice to have a woman actually approach them. Others get their shorts wadded up when we do. It is a ‘catch-22′ situation for women. If we wait on them to approach us, they cringe and hide (while we get older). If we let them know we are interested, then we’re chasing them. What’s a woman to do?
A for height, people DO tend to get shorter as they age (mostly because they gain weight which compresses their spine). So if a man was 6’3″ when he was in his 20’s, by the time he’s in his late 40’s he may only be 6’1″. As far as his mind is concerned, he’s 6’3″ because that’s what is on his driver’s license and how he ‘see’s himself.
I have to admit, taller women do get fewer ‘hits’, and that can mean a woman 5’6″ or over (I’m 5’7″). It also seems that the taller the man, the shorter the women he messages. There has to be some ‘reason’ for this and it’s more than likely something to do with being the ‘protector’ or something sexual.
Honesty is not a hot commodity on any dating site. If you really are honest, nobody believes you because they’ve been through the mill with all those that are not.
Common sense and intuition/perception are required so hone up on those skills, you need them here!
I have found that many men lie about their age and height–and some lie about their marital status. “Seperated” often means “married” and even “divorced” can mean
“married.” The problem with this is that the lies are obvious–differences between real and reported height show up immediately once you meet someone and once you get the other person’s last name, you can Google them and often find outfrom the Internet how old they reallly are or their marital status If you are the type of person who lies about something easy to verify like your height,age or marital status, then how can you be trusted to tell the truth about more important things? Any good relationship must be based on honesty and trust, so be yourself and find someone to love you for who you are. If you have to lie to get someone of the opposite se to date youx, the relationship is doomed from the start.
I identify as Bisexual on this site, but in real life I consider myself to be pansexual or queer. I have had more contact by far with men on this site, though some are transexual. I have found less women on this site that interest me because there are fewer masculine or butch women on this site in my area. I am interested in more masculine women and more feminine men. I am not really looking for a man or a woman to date etc but a person… thus the pansexuality.
I identify as Bisexual on this site, but in real life I consider myself to be pansexual or queer. I have had more contact by far with men on this site, though some are transgendered. I have found less women on this site that interest me because there are fewer masculine or butch women on this site in my area. I am interested in more masculine women and more feminine men. I am not really looking for a man or a woman to date etc but a person… thus the pansexuality.
On another note… I think there should be more sexuality option as Bisexual tends to create a group with a lot of diversity. There should also be more gender options and relationship status and looking for options, because I have seen a lot of polyamorous people and people who do not fit the simple male/female divide.
How can lying about your height be a good think. Sure it may get you a few more messages to begin with but its not like someone isn’t going to notice. Not to mention the 2in is an average. As someone that lists my height accurately, that means that those who lie tend to exaggerate more than 2in.
i’m just chiming in to also to explain what other bis have already explained. it’s all about what you’re looking for. i’m always up for a trivial fling with another girl but a trivial fling isn’t something i really feel the need to go searching for, i just enjoy it if and when it happens. boys are different. i like serious, long-term relationships with men, it’s somehow more fulfilling than what i feel for women although the actual sexual attraction is about the same. basically, men are a meal and women are dessert for me but i’m sure for other bis it’s split more equally or flipped entirely.
As a female, I identify as bisexual, but I make sure to post my Kinsey rating as well! It’s true, I’m predominantly attracted to males (which is why 99% of my messages are to them), but I identify as bi because I am open to the possibly of finding a long term partner that can be female.
Because that’s a possibility, I don’t think I can identify as straight because I may very well have a girlfriend some time soon! I also would ideally enjoy a bisexual male partner, which is another reason I’m listed as such!
Thanks for the interesting article!
As a side note, I actually sometimes get negative reactions for listing myself as bisexual!
A segment of data that I’d be interested in reading would be pertaining to the population of the various ethnic groups on the site and the messaging trends.
I am a Black male and while the ethnicity of any potential partner doesn’t much factor in my dating preferences I would like to understand why so often my matches are not Black. It could just be a by the numbers kind of thing as the population of Black Americans is a small-ish segment.
I’d be curious to see if any other ethnic people are impacted the same way.
Is it a male or female thing? The breakdown would be fascinating and I could see it being -quite- the conversation started much like this one.
Thanks for providing such an interesting article and getting this conversation going!
I am interested to find out how many bisexual identified folks are doing so simply not to limit their options for meeting people. I realize this is generated from a dating website, but I feel like some bi men may be in the “lookin for women to go out with, guys for football party” sort of option.
Is it not possible that the people who use OKcupid are just taller than the average. Perhaps they’re the kind of people who ate better as children or they do not reflect the ethnic mix of the nation as a whole.
I think your numbers might be a bit out of sync with reality, especially in regards to how tall people are and how much they earn, since you are comparing with US only values.
2 inches more, yeah, men add it to their penises as well.
Have you taken into account the age of the profile (eg how long ago the profile was created) for users identified as “bi”? Also, do you have a record of how many times they changed their sexual preference setting?
I have known a number of “bi” people (anywhere from 1.5-4.5 on the Kinsey scale, not just straight up the middle 3s) to deliberately change their preference status, with a text disclaimer in the profile itself, to change who finds them in search results based on their temporary preference. For example, I know two (legitimately right up the middle 3 point bi) men who are in a relationship with each other and one woman right now, and the three of them are seeking another woman. They have been actively seeking a fourth partner for a few years now, and all of their profiles are set to “bi” – and they are all messaging pretty much exclusively women. This doesn’t make them any less bi, but it does explain why they are consistently messaging women. Both men are young (under 35) slim, and “pretty”, and one expressed frustration at constantly being stalked by “big old gross hairy bears.” He changed his status to “straight” for awhile so that aforementioned demographic would quit messaging him ceaselessly. Then he received a lot of flak from internet trolls for listing himself as “straight” when he lives with and sleeps with another man, and so he changed it back to “bi.” There was always a text-based explanation of this in his profile, but people still get hung up on search results. Their wife did a similar thing with listing herself as “gay” for awhile because, having two husbands she didn’t really need any more male energy in her life, and of course, immediately received a lot of flak from disappointed lesbians calling her a liar, given that she is a woman with two husbands.
“Bi looking for men” and “Bi looking for women” would probably be useful search settings to have.
Also, there really, really, REALLY should be a status setting for “polyamorous.” Not “available” but explicitly “polyamorous.” I get endless, idiotic flak in the same “no status is good enough” way because listing myself as “married” and checking off “looking for short term / long term dating” causes me to show up as “available,” which tons of people consistently think is a raging lie. On the other hand, the only way I can cause my display status to show as “married” is to remove the checkboxes for dating, which is a lie that I am only interested in friends. This also causes me to receive lots of flak to the effect of “If you’re married, why are you on a dating site.”
This happens despite the fact that. “I’m married. Google “polyamory.” is THE first sentence at the top of my profile, isolated and bolded.
There are a reasonable number of polyamorous people on this site who have the same problem. Monogamists don’t want to search up polyamorists and vice versa, much like it does a straight man no good to try to message and convert a gay woman. I think this would also significantly improve your “not really bi” messaging ratio. I list myself as straight because on the Kinsey scale I am about a 1.5-2, almost straight. I am not totally straight, and I DO message women as well. This is because in some polyamorous relationships, BOTH partners approach a new partner, even if one of them is mostly straight. It matters to me who my husband is dating, especially if it’s going to ever get serious and this has the potential for being a future co-wife. But for clarity’s sake and search result’s sake, it’s easier for now for me to list as ‘straight”, to not catch flak from angry monogamistic lesbians who think I’m lying to them.
I think “bi, currently looking for” and “polyamorous” in addition to “available” would help both your users, and your data sets, a lot. You may actually want to leave “available” as a status for those who are in open relationships but not polyamorous, eg, someone who is seeing multiple people independantly and looking for more casual sex. Those people, while non-monogamous and “available” are NOT polyamorous. Polyamory specifically implies multi-person groups looking for additional real relationships, not one person who is having casual sex with multiple partners.
I can gladly send you large amounts of usernames in a private forum if you would like to see proof that I am not just speaking of one or two people, but an actual demographic of polyamorist, non-mongamist, and misrepresented bi people.
(searching profiles and forums for the words “poly” “polyamory” “non-monogamy” and “open relationship” will probably also provide the proof very well.)
So, if I’m 25, 6’6″ and make $80k am I supposed to put 6’8″ and $100k to accurately blend in? Further I always left the income field blank because I was worried I might attract gold diggers, am I missing out on a lot of normal women because of that?
You are all discussing the other points so I, as a business-minded person, will discuss the income.
Interestingly enough, OKC users have higher incomes than the average internet user (and the average US citizen). Fewer have incomes below $40K/yr, and more have incomes in the $40K-$80K, and $80K-$100K+ ranges.
One thing I would be interested to know (as someone who has always kept his income blank), would be how people who don’t specify their income fare on the heat graph above?
I’m bi and I message both genders equally, but I’m more likely to meet men than women, both online and offline. So I’m more likely to message a woman.
You should look and see if your bi users are also poly. If you consider bi single users separately from bi available users that might produce different results.
These statistics charts are brilliant. It’s fascinating to see, and makes me more aware of what shenanigans I may be tempted to pull.
people lie to your face about these things so I’m not surprised that they would lie online! Which is prob why I have yet to search for love on an online dating site, but if I”m 30 and still single I most def will, what else will I have to lose
!!! Love the post ladies, thanks for the info…http://phillyitgirls.com
In my opinion, the biggest lies are the ones told by online dating scammers.
OkCupid is relatively scammer-free, unlike other dating sites.
Seriously? Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean they have to be actively looking for someone of both genders at all times. That’s a ridiculous presumption and it’s a ridiculous presumption to suggest that people are lying about their sexuality just because they happen to be currently looking for one gender instead of both. Off the top of my head I can think of ten reasons for this:
1. Already have a male/female partner and are only looking for one of each.
2. Are bi, but mostly only attracted to one gender or the other so no need to seek for the other gender on a dating site.
3. Are bi, but have recently had a bad experience with one gender or the other.
4. Are using OkCupid only to find friends and while sexually/romantically attracted to both genders are only looking for friends of one gender.
5. Are poly and the configuration they are currently in only allows for them to be searching for one gender or another.
6. Are already dating plenty of men/women and only looking now for the other gender.
7. Just haven’t happened to have found anyone of the other gender on this site interesting yet.
8. Sexually attracted to both genders but only romantically interested in one or the other and only seeking a romantic relationship right now.
9. Romantically interested in both genders but only sexually attracted to one or the other and only seeking a sexual relationship right now.
10. Only bi in so much as if someone they are interested in has a partner of the other gender they’d be cool with it, but don’t particularly want to seek out someone of that gender.
That’s just off the top of my head. What kind of whack data researches can’t think of any other reason than “they’re lying.” Seriously??
I suspect the bi thing is largely a case of being honest. Let’s say I’m bi, I can pick up guys whenever I want, but vastly prefer women and am here to get in a relationship with one. I would want to be honest with them (and definitely turn away anyone who could not deal with the fact I was bi) and list it as my sexuality, though I’d only pursue women.
Oh, and I am dead on 6′, everyone assumes I’m taller because 6′ is thought to be shorter than it is, but I’m right slap bang on that length.
I try to be as honest as possible about most things (though there are some little white lies by omission), since I wouldn’t want to disappoint in person.
Regarding the bi-identification, but the choice to message one sex more than the other–it is my finding that bisexuals find it easier to meet potential partners that fall into the heternormative zone in “real life.” Thus, on OkCupid they message the sex that they have less opportunity to flirt with in “real life.” That’s what I do, anyway. I have no problem meeting men in person, without aid of internet service. But meeting cute women who are interested in women, by chance, in person? That’s not so easy.
Don’t see the point in lying, why on earth would you want to lie. After-all the complex decision process that involves everything from ‘I want more’ to ‘I don’t want to look tiny next to a giant’. Hell if someone wants to know the size of my dick, that’s fine too. Their smaller, taller, thinner, fatter, slower, faster, younger, older, people everywhere. So if you lie then you might miss a match. Though to be honest unless I see 2′ or 8′ then it’s really not much of a consideration. I’ve not got the most amazing amount of hair up front, so posting a photo 5yrs old would be pretty stupid come the first date – how embarrassing.
The Gay/Bi thing is really annoying. The number of female profiles tagged Bi, with messages like ‘Women only, no guys, I can pick up guys whenever I like at the bars’, shows the very biased Bi is really a ‘socially acceptable’ lesbian; But worse the ignorance of implying that the men online match the demographic of the cattle markets on a Friday night…
I guess I need to add 2″ to my height, add a few more bucks to my income, and realize that the kinky scale of the Q&A is a better indicator of a potential match. I think a Sexual Preferance slider is a good idea. I do prefer woman over men about 10:1…..but every once in a while I meet a guy I like. I picked straight as it most closely represents my interests. I’ve found many woman that once they find out I have swung both ways drop me like a hot potato. If I find a woman that is open to the whole sexuality thing we’ll butt heads on politics….go figure.
I like the trends blog. You guys have a lot of data and looking at interesting things.
But I do miss that you used to say, “It’s just a website.”
You’ve taken data about who messages whom on a website, and used it to ratify and support the stereotypes that bisexual people have to deal with on a daily basis, from both sides of monosexuality. “This suggests that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches.” I don’t deny that that *is* an experience that some bisexual people have, but you guys should know better by now than to make such a monolithic claim. Suffice it to say, there are a multiplicity of explanations for the trends you observe, many of which have been raised by other commenters.
Your conclusions regarding the Super Sekrit Monosexuality of users who identify as bisexual serves largely to _erase_ the nearly 1/4 of users who do fit even your narrow definition of “observable to OKCupid” bisexuality.
I’ve noticed that women tend to want to date men that are taller than they are , and wealthier than they are (easier for less affluent), and equally or more educated. Most women are up front about this in their profiles, on OKC and other dating sites.
It comes across with a clear message: “if you’re not to the right of me on the bell curves, don’t bother me.”
Of course I lie about income – that’s the only way to get women to notice you!
I am an over 40 Bi woman, I lean heavily towards women…..let say 95% leaning. But As RedDivaMama Stated: ” Messages to matches with Gay women, i have learned in my 4 months on OKC experience usually result in discrimination or put downs for being bi instead of a “real Queer” ……. or also just being ignored. Sad.
Sadly – that’s been my experience too. I am therefore less likely to state “gay” for fear that when I’m “found out” it will seem like I’m lying. Make sense?
I think the bisexual thing may have more to do with social circles–I find that in certain social circles it may be easier for me to meet, say, straight men than gay women. So, if that’s where I’m primarily spending my time, I might go online to meet women. Or vice versa.
It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in both, just that who I have an opportunity to meet where.
Not sure if you will read this, because there are obviously a lot of comments, but I’ve noticed a strong trend: Girls that mark their body type as fit, athletic or thin never reply to my messages, but equally attractive girls who say average or curvy are much more likely to reply. Just something you might want to run through your magic statistic maker.
I’m a woman on this website who identifies as bisexual but only messages men, and this article’s assessment of why I am doing that bothers me. To seem sexually adventurous? No, it’s because I’m bi-curious and only newly identifying as so, and I am clear about that in my profile. I’m quite frankly not comfortable pursuing women yet, though I will respond if a woman messages me.
I agree with poster ‘Janet’. I enjoy sexual encounters equally with men and women, however I do not seek relationships with women because in general I do not get along with them as well as men. Perhaps there needs to be a new distinction between bisexual and birelationship.
I don’t message women because I am not here seeking sexual encounters. This equally covers all people in general who are on here meeting friends and talking to a variety of people without the dating/sex incentive. It’s probably a good idea to do a sample survey of the users on here to find their motivations before publishing data.
I think OkCupid needs to get hip to the times and include: transgendered as an option for gender, and queer as an option for sexual preference/identification.
With regards to bi-sexuality… Many bisexual people I know (myself included) at different times in life are seeking a partner of one sex or the other. Also, I think that your observations are astute…One – straight women think that bi-sexuality will attract more straight me. I personally find this repulsive and stupid. Two – perhaps the internet feels like a safer space to explore bi or gay identity. I wonder…do the bisexuals that only message with one sex or the other view profiles of both men and women, but perhaps aren’t confortable exchanging messages? Or don’t know where to go from there?
I agree with Becca above, there needs to be a queer option. I’m a queer girl on this site who mostly likes women but will consider the men that make an effort to contact me and write a good message.
I don’t think bisexual really exists. One parent or the other neglected or overraised them, or they had a traumatic event with someone of the same or opposite gender. Women already dress up not to impress men, but other women. I wouldn’t be surprised if more women were bisexual, because society permits them to be more intimate and protected from males, but also choose the best males when interested. (As evidenced by the money factor, women’s choice is overemphasized and men’s choice practically does not exist).
We have alpha males making weaker males depressed enough to get Freud’s “castration anxiety.” The alpha males take all the females. The weaker males oppress and stalk females because of lack of acceptance by peers, or do the reverse and call themselves bisexual. How else do you explain school shootings where the male perpetrator said he had a problem with women?
We have alpha females(queen bees) making weaker females depressed enough to get Freud’s “penis envy.” The alpha females take all the males. The weaker females oppress and manipulate males because of lack of acceptance by peers, or do the reverse and call themselves bisexual.
In both weaker males and females, I note that there is a competition of pain (boasting about life’s hardships) and a competition of confidantism (secret-keeping). These relationships tend to break up.
On top of that females sometimes try to repulse hormonal males by saying they’re bisexual. Likewise, a lot of males sometimes doubt their ability to even date females on account of the female “relationship resistance movement,” and then say they’re bisexual.
Wasn’t Freudian psychology largely ditched about the same time homosexuality was no longer listed as a mental illness in the DSM?
I’m a bi girl. I stated in my profile that I am seeing someone, so I don’t message many people that often, unless their profile attracts me to make a new friend or penpal. I used to message both women and men equally but I just message men now because women hardly ever reply and when they do so they say nothing interesting or don’t get online ever again
:/
Now here’s a dilemma. If BOTH the man and the women are divorced, but the man pays alimony or child support to his ex, how should he state his income, since he might make $100,000 but really have less? Generally, do women pay alimony or child support ? And what’s with this about divorced women saying they LOVE to travel and that their favorite hangouts are in the Bahamas, Cayman Islands, Europe – Whatever. Sorry honey. Maybe YOUR ex left you or gives you a bunch of money to hang out in St Thomas, but I’m busy working and paying out so I guess you won’t want to date me because I can’t afford to give you the lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to.