
The above comment is typical. As it is, men between 22 and 30—nearly two-thirds of the male dating pool—focus almost exclusively on women younger than themselves. I'll be investigating this phenomenon today, with gusto and charts. Ultimately, I'll argue that they would be well-served to expand their search upwards, to women in their thirties and forties.
Because it has been a successful way to introduce previous posts, I wanted to put real faces on this demographic before I delve into a bunch of numbers. Pictured below are some single users in their mid-thirties or early forties, taken from the first couple pages of my own local match search. Nothing I'll talk about today pertains necessarily to any one of them, but I wanted to put forward some people to go with the statistical discussion.
Dating Preferences & Age
It's no secret that dating changes radically as you get older. As you can see below, the number of online daters peaks at 24, drops sharply at around 30, and then gradually tapers off, as the remaining singletons either find mates or withdraw themselves from contention:

The bar chart here shows how the woman to man ratio changes over time. As you can see, it's basically flat. In a better world, this would imply that older people don't necessarily have a harder time finding decent mates than younger ones, as the composition of the dating pool holds relatively steady from age to age. Put another way: a 45 year-old woman shouldn't in theory have a harder time finding a date than a 20 year-old, because the female-to-male ratios at those ages are equal (roughly 11:9).
Of course, we all know that 45 year-olds do have a much harder time, because the male fixation on youth distorts the dating pool. Look at how men have set their age preferences on OkCupid:

As you can see, a man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age. a man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger womenThe median 31 year-old guy, for example, sets his allowable match age range from 22 to 35—nine years younger, but only four years older, than himself. This skewed mindset worsens with age; the median 42 year-old will accept a woman up to fifteen years younger, but no more than three years older.
A man's bias toward younger women becomes even more evident when we overlay his stated preferences with his actual messaging habits.
This next graph is what's called a heat map. It shows messaging concentrations by age; for each vertical age bracket, the greenest areas have the most messages, the reddest have the fewest, and the yellow have the average.

As you can see, men tend to focus on the youngest women in their already skewed preference pool, and, what's more, they spend athe median 30 year-old man spends as much time messaging teenage girls as he does women his own age significant amount of energy pursuing women even younger than their stated minimum. No matter what he's telling himself on his setting page, a 30 year-old man spends as much time messaging 18 and 19 year-olds as he does women his own age. On the other hand, women only a few years older are largely neglected.
So you can see how differently women think about dating and age, here are the corresponding charts for them:

Except in their early to mid-twenties, when they apparently want nothing to do with younger guys (i.e. guys who are still in school?), women show an admirable openness to both reasonably younger and reasonably older men. Notice also how a woman's actual messaging activity, shown in the heat map below, is roughly centered on her own age (as illustrated by the dotted "age parity" line).

This second chart also contains something very peculiar that we didn't see at all in men. Notice the vertical stripes at ages 20 and 29. These color discontinuities indicate dramatic changes in a woman's dating mentality: when a women turns 20 she decides it's okay to message significantly older men (i.e. the upper reaches of the chart suddenly become less red). At 29, a woman becomes even more open to older men and, in addition, stops writing the youngest ones. The typical 28 year-old women sends a small but significant number of messages to men too young to drink. The typical 29 year-old sends practically none.
In any event, here's what happens when we synthesize all the above data. By tallying the number of people interested in each age group and gender, we can get a dynamic picture of the dating pools. I've made a little javascript widget to illustrate what's going on.
a by-age distribution of men who would date an 18 year-old woman


I was tempted to title this The Tides Of Longing. Move the slider to the right, toward middle age, and you can watch the pool of dating possibilities gather, crest, then drain away. Metaphors aside, we can evaluate the potential matches for a given age/gender by summing the area under the curve (AP Calculus, ftw!) I made these calculations in the chart below, and we can see that women have more pursuers than men until age 26, but thereafter a man can expect many more potential dates than a woman of the same age. At the graph's outer edge, at age 48, men are nearly twice as sought-after as women. Here's the data:

A woman's desirability peaks at 21, which, ironically enough is the age that men just begin their "prime," i.e. become more desirable than average. Following that dotted line out, statistically speaking, a woman's desirability
peaks at 21you can see that a woman of 31 is already "past her prime," while a man doesn't become so until 36. As we mentioned above, after age 26, a man has more potential matches than his female counterparts, which is a drastic reversal of the proportion in young adulthood, when women are much more sought-after. Because men's dating preferences skew so young, and women's are age-equitable, men peak later, and have a longer plateau of desirability, than women.
So that's the lay of the land, and now I'd like to say why I think it could be different. In the next three sections of this post, I will show that an older woman's attitudes, both about sex and life, are just as good if not better than her younger counterparts', and hopefully I'll convince more guys to venture north of their current age-limits:

Sex
Articles touting a woman's mid-thirties "sexual peak" have stalked the pages of Cosmo since time immemorial, but these articles typically cite clinical testosterone/estrogen/progesterone studies and attempt to make the leap to "sexual peak" from there—if they bother to cite any data at all. I, on the other hand, can make my claim by looking at a woman's stated preferences:



This is a nationwide "age progression" of American women, a normalized heat map similar to the ones you saw above, but with an added geographical component. By moving the slider you can watch how attitudes become more sex-positive as the population gets older.
This older-women-are-more-sexual pattern repeats across almost every proposition. Here are a few more data sets just as sparklines (computed, like the map above, for our sample set of 100,000 women). Again, these are just a handful of examples; whether we ask about bondage or kissing, women are the most sexual in their thirties.
Researching this post, I also came upon an interesting complementary pair of graphs illustrating sexual dominance preferences. Younger men want to be dominated. Older women are generally interested in doing just that.

In addition their lack of physical inhibitions, older women have much healthier attitudes in two other areas of sexual concern: STD testing and contraception.






Attitude
There are two operative stereotypes of older single women: the sad-sack (à la Bridget Jones) and the "cougar" (à la Samantha from Sex In The City) and both, like all stereotypes, are reductionist and stupid and I've tried to avoid them. I hesitated beginning my case for older women with something about their sexuality, like I did in Exhibit A, because that territory borders right on cougar country. But the evidence there was too compelling to ignore.
On the other hand, I found no basis whatsoever for Ms. Zellweger's version of the thirty-something single woman. The data indicate that they are in fact way better adjusted than their younger counterparts. For example:


It might be hard to eyeball, because the bottom graph isn't steeply sloped, but women in their thirties are 4.0% more likely to be happy than their younger counterparts. As anyone who's been in a relationship with someone who lacks them can attest, self-sufficiency and confidence are awesome qualities in a match.
The graph below shows a similar trend, until a poignant drop at the end.

Either something very sad happens to a woman at 40, or something incredibly awesome happens at 39. Hard to tell. And I also want to say, guys, that just because a woman is older, she's not necessarily on the fast-track to marriage:

Looks
The final thing I want to address is looks, because I think that is guys' most fundamental worry about dating someone older. There's no doubt that younger people are are more physically attractive—indeed in many ways beauty and youth are inextricable. That's why most of the models you see in magazines are teenagers, and turn-back-the-clock surgeries like face-lifts are so popular. There's no getting around this fact, and I don't want to hide it:

But, combing through the data, I intuitively felt like this graph didn't tell the whole story. So I dug deeper, and found something interesting. If you separate out the absolute best-looking women, almost all of whom are very young, and also remove the people you won't realistically want to date (the worst-looking women), you find that everyone else's attractiveness doesn't change much with age:

In other words, given that nobody is drop-dead gorgeous or drop-dead hideous, your average 25 year-old is roughly as good-looking as your average 35 year-old. for the vast majority of men, dating the absolute hottest girls isn't realisticYes, throwing out the prettiest of the pretty young things is a clumsy handicap to put on an age-by-age comparison. But at the same time, for the vast majority of men, the best-looking women are simply out of reach, so it's actually accurate to exclude them as possibilities. In fact, unrealistic male expectations inspired this article, so we want to do everything we can to correct for them.
Many of you are probably scoffing at the idea that many 35 year-olds are as attractive as many 25 year-olds, but there are social factors at work that you might not consider as you go through life making judgments. Most importantly: nationwide, thirtysomethings are much more likely to be married and therefore much more likely to have stopped optimizing their attractiveness. So the typical 35 year-old woman you see out in the world isn't representative of the single 35 year-olds who are still dating and looking good.
Anyhow, that just about concludes my case. Ultimately, you be the judge. Here are single women in their mid-twenties and women in their mid-thirties, all in the 70th percentile of attractiveness, side by side. The older women are on the left, in case you can't tell.






Of course, you could also do your own search and see for yourself. Thanks for reading.
Very interesting read but left me totally out of the picture. Am over 50 but by no means dead yet! I cannot tell you how many times I have heard age is just a number!! Yes, been called MILF and also Cougar. Whatever!!! There are such a variety of reasons for matches of many age differences. Seems “chemistry” is the all important issue between man and woman, second to that is common interest, compatibility and simply just “being on the same page”. So many men and women from ages 20 something on up are divorced and in a new chapter of their lives. Perhaps have had children or don’t want them. Men have dated younger for decades and I don’t see that it will ever stop. There are some younger men for that prefer the confidence, ability to communicate, sensuality, passion and enthusiasm of an older woman, oh and yes beauty and energy. Perhaps it is not the norm on the scale but believe me many a younger man has caught on to the concept of “less drama”!
I have no profound insights to offer, though a couple of questions to ask. Self-reported data may or may not be accurate, though it’s clear that OK’s various algorithms and cross-referencing testing strategies will probably get as close to relative personal truth as other psych. profiling testing strategies can, and do.
Does the researcher simultaneously claim that his data are ‘skewed’ AND that they represent de facto truth? If the researcher’s perception is that his data represent skewed attitudes among males across the dating pool age range, by what means and according to what desideratum would he propose to manipulate attitudes to reflect a non-existent ‘new truth’?
Emotional development is arrested at or around the time of first sexual contact; media sexualization of young female teens and even preteens is objectionable for reasons so obvious they hardly need to be elaborated on here (emotional arrestation, teen pregnancy, commodification of children, and the fact that neither the immune system nor cervical tissue matures until approximately 23 years of age, meaning highest risk of disease transmission among youngest females).
However, the perception that ‘youth = attractiveness’ has been prevalent for a lot longer than ubiquitous media imagery and advertising pressure, or ancient Athens for that matter. An inconvenient truth is revealed by the fictions of Nabokov and the behaviors of what are nowadays considered child molesters.
I found this same truth to be a social norm in the highlands of Papua/New Guinea and met it face to face during the week before my departure for Australia: I was twelve, and about to be flown home to Melbourne to start high school, and met on a mountain track a procession of bridesmaids escorting the bride to her wedding. I would say that she was twelve too, naked save for a gleaming coating of black palm oil and a single strand of string around her waist, a token girdle. She shot me a defiant look and jumped off the track into the scrub until my dad and I had passed by.
Older men are traditionally more wealthy. Wealth is power. Power and wealth are socially relevant no matter the juxtaposition or status of male and female roles.
In traditional tribal societies, marriage is an impossibility for a man who does not possess wealth, and polygyny in subsistence cultures remains the normative condition since multiple wives = more labor for agriculture and more wetnurses for the junior wives’ children, who can then do more work and produce more food.
According to the Western tradition, polygyny and polyandry are shunned and condemned socially – yet wealth and power are considered aphrodisiacal. Where no money = no honey, MORE money = more honey. Deny it if you will.
We arrive at the height of Western hubris, yet at an economic, world political and ecological nadir with no certain outcome except uncertainty. Perhaps post-Feminism will reshape perception, and perhaps OKC will play its part in socially engineering a radical change in attitudes.
However, to claim that your own data are ‘skewed’ by irrational or inconvenient attitudes among males who desire younger women is as dubious as the reductionism of characterizing sexually aggressive older women as ‘cougars’, sexually aggressive older men as creeps and delusional jerks.
Our biological hardwiring does not offer an ‘ethical’ justification for the pursuit of sexual partners or potential mates who are younger – but it remains the fact.
Do younger men factually prefer to be sexually dominated? Do single women in their thirties, forties and fifties factually prefer the attentions of younger males, or is a compartmentalization between mere physical function (sex as diversion, entertainment, ‘making up for “me time” sacrificed to marriage/parenting/career’, the scratching of a biological itch) and the larger sphere of a woman’s life (child/children, work, social set and setting) at work, one which is afforded by disproportionate affluence among educated/possibly ‘successfully divorced’ middle-class white women? How do Black, Hispanic, Asian and South-East Asian women feel about this?
If you’re doing your philanthropic bit to bring greater validation and positive attention to older single women, I’m all for it. At the same time, I’ve got a million questions about the implications of changed gender roles and sexual mores. Questions, not assumptions. Then again I have nothing to sell, as a male at the outer limits of social viability.
To a recent poster: at 41 you are definitely NOT invisible, certainly not to me. Women peak sexually far later than men, and have a much stronger sense of identity and priority – if they haven’t actually been broken to pieces by relationship tragedy, that is.
You posted: “What men also do not realize is that many women settle. Now this is OUR fault!”
Why does ‘settling’ imply defeat? If you mean ‘settling for less’, then, less than what? Less than an ideal which has already yearned for, attained, then proven to be faulty or personally disastrous?
‘Settling’ can have other implications too: for example, that the psychological and emotional ground of the personality has stabilized through experience and the insight it may (hopefully) bring.
You can look at ‘settling’ as an embitterment and a defeat, a loss and a failure, or conversely, give thanks for the winnowing-away of the starry-eyed idealism of youth into the ability to actually settle with a partner. Thus, an acceptance, social realism.
Heaven knows, my hedonism wouldn’t permit me to refuse the idealized mixie pixie of my dreams if she showed up on the half-shell at the ocean’s edge, but I’d damn sure settle for a socially astute, wildly brainy iconoclastic artistic powerhouse of forty who appreciates the difference between kegels and bagels. I would be utterly bonkers not to!
The notion of ‘getting a young girl and training her up’ is still here in the hood, but it sucks and violates. I don’t want a caged bird. Believe me, I liberated enough of those in my youth to know the score.
To a recent poster: at 41 you are definitely NOT invisible, certainly not to me. Women peak sexually far later than men, and have a much stronger sense of identity and priority – if they haven’t actually been broken to pieces by relationship tragedy, that is.
You posted: “What men also do not realize is that many women settle. Now this is OUR fault!”
Why does ‘settling’ imply defeat? If you mean ‘settling for less’, then, less than what? Less than an ideal which one has already yearned for, attained, then proven to be faulty or personally disastrous?
‘Settling’ can have other implications too: for example, that the psychological and emotional ground of the personality has stabilized through experience and the insight it may (hopefully) bring.
You can look at ‘settling’ as an embitterment and a defeat, a loss and a failure, or conversely, give thanks for the winnowing-away of the starry-eyed idealism of youth into the ability to actually settle with a partner. Thus, an acceptance, social realism.
Heaven knows, my hedonism wouldn’t permit me to refuse the idealized mixie pixie of my dreams if she showed up on the half-shell at the ocean’s edge, but I’d damn sure settle for a socially astute, wildly brainy iconoclastic artistic powerhouse of forty who appreciates the difference between kegels and bagels. I would be utterly bonkers not to!
The notion of ‘getting a young girl and training her up’ is still here in the hood, but it sucks and violates. I don’t want a caged bird. Believe me, I liberated enough of those in my youth to know the score.
I am an older woman (46). I have found that since I have been single I don’t like men my age or older as a rule. I find that they appear old and act old. I don’t feel or look (or so I’ve been told) old. I get along much better with men in lower to mid-30’s. I have a child, and don’t want any more. I have a career and make my own money. I don’t need yours. I also find that men my age and older normally can’t keep up sexually. Just my two cents…
I’m sure this has probably been touched on by previous posters. Here I go, redundantly, whatever.
In his statistical distribution of users by age, your writer fails to acknowledge that there even are women beyond forty-eight years of age on OKCupid.
I recall spending time with three female Cupidistas over your writer’s end-bracket. It’s remotely possible there may be more.
The inherent hypocrisy of attempting to pitch the praises of older women whilst simultaneously ignoring women older than your mysterious cut-off number is galling to me and probably more than a little bit hurtful to them.
Your writer’s exclusion of women over 48 is dumb and wrong. More importantly it is inherently fucking rude to publish bullshit elaborations that exclude the site’s own members.
Ok, I have more to say. Males who, having given their dogged best only to find themselves functionally excluded from life with their own children by separation, tend to get skewered by divorce.
Parental equality after separation is not the fact for the vast majority of males.
Where separation has been acrimonious, which is also the majority rule, former husbands who lack near-infinite legal and social resources are exceedingly unwise to challenge the status quo. Divorcing wives become assimilated into a protected class.
The yearning for family, however unrealistic this may be financially after separation, is not easily suppressed among males who desire to be part of a family group and who simply love children.
Realizing that my statement is likely to bring sneers of contempt about ‘breeders’ who can’t afford the luxury of children, deadbeat fathers, men as dogs and babydaddies and so forth, I am hardly suggesting that the remedy is to turn one’s back on existing children and go start again.
My point is that the biological desire to partner and to have children remains unchanged by the fact that you got kicked to the curb at 35, 40, 45, – also – that men within this demographic will infallibly gravitate to women on the earlier end of the fertility curve. Fertile women are attractive to men.
Women are biologically best prepared for motherhood a decade and a half before their sexual peak. Unsurprisingly, fury at the man who ‘stole my youth’ is very likely to rise, hydra-headed, when women hit their sexual peak – 30 to 36, say – when males who have followed the traditional provider’s role are likely to be most harried, most exhausted, and most apprehensive.
Where not otherwise suppressed by faith- or fear-based motivations (e.g. social pressure, fear of censure, fear of being beaten to death, religious conviction), when women turn that hormonal and psychological curve and begin to see themselves as private sensual beings no longer bonded with their mate, odds are stacked against continuity of the relationship.
Women who have not confronted their animus will likely NOT wish to share their supercharged post-parenthood sexual energy with that boring, predictable, fallible, fart-smelling fucker who put them in a pumpkin-shell. Whether previously partnered or not, it’s unsurprising that women in the 30-36 range express greater interest in sexual experimentation.
Likewise, men who have not confronted their projections and at least begun to understand their own anima will very probably experience successive infatuations with young women. None of this is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. It is just part of being human.
Berating humans for being motivated by their very humanity is as wrongheaded as excluding post-menopausal women from a thesis which alleges to be in praise of older women (for example).
Good Article, but missing some soul. I am an ‘older’ woman (43) in a year long live in relationship with a younger man (34).I’m white and he’s oriental. Talk about blowing out the stereotypes. First off I have never initiated a connection with a younger man but have always been approached by them. Yes, I look at least ten years younger than I am and am into X sports, so its all tight. uh huh. He’s into his career full time, and my kids are all grown up and I can focus on my future endeavours. Our connection has it all, and we were both surprised to go from liking to loving. We were brought together by the same forces that bring together any two people. Compatibility, value structures, attraction, and friendship. Age is an arbitrary number. My x husband was 20 years older than me and we raised three sons for 17 yrs together and it was not the age difference that provoked the divorce. Older, younger, same age, whatever. It would be a shame though for people to miss out on what could have been, all because of a vanity.
“ancattedubh” is right, and I’ve been saying the same thing for several years. I’m also about to publish an article on research and analysis I did that shows why all the excuses women have for not talking to men first are invalid.
But what I want to do is to ask women in my demographic (GenX, intelligent, educated, fit) this:
What am I supposed to do now that I’m 41, and have spent 90% of my life alone because women have NEVER talked to me, and am so lonely and heartbroken and resentful? Until I was 24 and started having relationships, I thought women didn’t want me (even though I’m very smart, fit, loving, confident, and happy and funny at the core). Then after a few relationships, I realized women can like me, which just made me angry because women won’t talk first!
I can’t “just forgive” women for virtually ruining my life, yet I still love and desire women. I want younger women (30-38) because I think they’re beautiful, and want some experience with them because I was cheated out of so much of it. But god, when I look in the mirror sometimes, I look my age now (I’ve always looked young for my age), and I feel like my life is over and ruined because my young life/sex/intimacy experience with women was stolen from me and I can’t get it back.
Women, as a whole, have wounded me, but now I presume you won’t want me because I’m wounded! It’s outrageous, sad, horrific. I’ve always treated women as equals, and just wanted the same in return, but you women refuse. My life has been so horrible and lonely, it just feels like the world has ruined my chance to be the happy and fun and sweet person I started out as as a little boy because I don’t look young enough anymore and I’m (justifiably) resentful. (Oh, and therapy won’t solve this riddle–I’ve tried it) What the hell do I do?
“ancattedubh” is right, and I’ve been saying the same thing for several years. I’m also about to publish an article on research and analysis I did that shows why all the excuses women have for not talking to men first are invalid.
But what I want to do is to ask women in my demographic (GenX, intelligent, educated, fit) this:
What am I supposed to do now that I’m 41, and have spent 90% of my life alone because women have NEVER talked to me, and am so lonely and heartbroken and resentful? Until I was 24 and started having relationships, I thought women didn’t want me (even though I’m very smart, fit, loving, confident, and happy and funny at the core). Then after a few relationships, I realized women can like me, which just made me angry because women won’t talk first!
I can’t “just forgive” women for virtually ruining my life, yet I still love and desire women. I want younger women (30-38) because I think they’re beautiful, and want some experience with them because I was cheated out of so much of it. But god, when I look in the mirror sometimes, I look my age now (I’ve always looked young for my age), and I feel like my life is over and ruined because my young life/sex/intimacy experience with women was stolen from me and I can’t get it back.
Women, as a whole, have wounded me, but now I presume you won’t want me because I’m wounded! It’s outrageous, sad, horrific. I’ve always treated women as equals, and just wanted the same in return, but you women refuse. My life has been so horrible and lonely, it just feels like the world has ruined my chance to be the happy and fun and sweet person I started out as as a little boy because I don’t look young enough anymore and I’m (justifiably) resentful. (Oh, and therapy won’t solve this riddle–I’ve tried it) What the hell do I do?
I dunno I’ve dated someone in that age range when i was 18 and there were just to many differences. maybe it i was because i was younger then or not.
But in reply to some of the comments… I dunno being 21 and the idea of being with someone in their 60’s just seems a tad to much….
Is the wiggle on top of the desirability curve understood? Im trying to understand what would cause a 29yo male or female to be less desirable than a 30yo one. This wiggle seems to go up and down at a frequency of two years for both men and women. Somehow the odd numbered years are less desirable than the even numbers. Anyone know why that is?
People have prejudices about certain ages Greg. In some ways I was glad to reach 30, because the 16 year olds stopped trying to message me. I have to admit it was a bit of a mental effort to look for women aged 40 or over (I’m 36, going on 37).
If I look at women over 40 in my area then they don’t look too bad, as opposed to some of the ’30 something’ women who are probably over 40 in reality.. The problem? Almost all of them have children and the remainder aren’t interesting enough to counteract their age. Between twenty and thirty some women sort out their life and become more interesting; an equivalent peak does not happen between thirty to forty odd. Interesting people stay interesting, dull people remain dull.
I also stand by my opinion (informed by plenty of real life experience) that anyone single over thirty has issues; a prime reason to look for a younger partner if you can manage it. Yes, this also includes myself – but I will obviously argue that my issues are minor and that all my brilliant qualities make me eminently suitable for an interesting younger partner. The dating market will decide whether I’m deluded or not.
I’d be quite happy to date a 36 year old woman if a suitable one came along, and ideally would prefer someone 30+ rather than in their twenties.
Can we all drop the crap about ‘looking younger’ though? Sometimes you can knock a few years off age on a good day, but a decade off tends to be in the realms of fantasy.
The very fact that you describe women in their 30s as “older” shows that you arrive at this discussion with a very circumscribed view of the world.
ok. I am a 42 yr old man, and i have been guilty of looking 20 years younger and 2years older thing, but I just boosted my upper limit to 50 and re ran my match, and guess what? no new matches worth talking about. oh, a few more show up, but the match % is low. in fact not a single one of my 80% or higher matches is above 40. so for guys looking for the 40 something women good luck, because they are not here. at not ones compatible with me. and certainly not ones that look anything like the pics in the blog.
Chris I’m 58 WTF am I doing here. It looks like after 48 you don’t exist. You’ve missed an important and growing age group. I’m sure your targets are meant to be the younger generation. But keep living. I didn’t think being 48 was old, being in good health and more than relatively active. Wham Bam thank you sir. GOD is punishing me. I’m 58 now and see I should have been considering a serious relationship at that time instead of now. What a mistake. I let some good ones go. Because I was on the go frisky and still challenging the world. I can’t find my place thats why I thought what the heck lets see what these dating site are about. I could write volumes on what I’m beginning to think and most of its not good. Beside I see others have already done that and have made some very good points. But even the older responders to these charts are much younger than I am. Its not looking good for me here or the other sites. That includes the sites meant for seniors as well. Look at your charts I’m in never never land. One foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Best get out the knitting needles no wait I don’t do knitting. Guess I’ll just pull out my wii and get physical or take a hike literally. And just ponder the wonders of human nature.
Pretty cool essay. I’ve always been into older women, so I might be an oddity for my gender (or ahead of the curve). I love these OKC studies, so keep them up!
I think you’ve forgotten a key componant as to why men look so much younger for their prospective mates. Economics! I’m a 31 year old male, that generally works wage slave positions to get by on my bills. many women 35+ meet every requirement of mine, but they tend to be established financially, and looking for similar. I think many guys look lower because those girls tend to be in very similar financial circumstances to ourselves, making it much easier to be in the role of provider, and therefore validating ourselves as such.
I love this article…wish they woulda picked my picture!! Here’s one lady who loves being a cougar!!
I enjoyed reading the article, an yes I am one of those older woman. I am 52 and damn good looking, or so I’ve been told. I’ve been a cougar long before the term was even thought of. When I was in my 30’s I dated men in their 20’s. Of course at my age I won’t date someone in their 20’s now, but I still prefer men younger, Any ages between 35 and 50. I find that for the most part men my age and older cannot keep up with me. If a men is over 50 he better look like Sam Elliott. I have even found that in my area most of the men that are 45 seem to age beyond their years wonder if it is the climate. I recently got asked how often I liked sex, once a month, once a week, I reply once or twice a day, this seemed to surprise the man asking. You see there are 2 ways to age, some people age and are like vinegar and some age like fine wine and get better. And to bbgj who commented, I don’t have a problem with shorter men. Not all of us are quiet that shallow.
Women like older men.
Amazing. I’m 60, and have lived a life of total hedonisitic debauchery, and I can tell you, it definitely gets better with age. –Some of the best, most fun, fulfilling and rewarding times I’ve had in bed have happened after I turned 50. And keeping up? Nothin’ to it–Cialis, Viagra really REALLY work. It blows me away to hear people talk of a woman of 44, 46, 48 as old–to me that’s a young thing! She’s just beginning to tap into her sense of self and ultimate power. To me, a woman under the age of 42 or so is nothing but trouble, because she hasn’t really settled into herself and cultivated her interior landscape. (Men are the same way–most are worthless til they’re well over 40.) A lot of it has to do with simple understanding through experience, and kids in their 20’s and 30’s–and yes, sometimes even 40’s are merely that: just kids. They may know all sorts of sex tricks, but when it comes to life tricks, they haven’t got a clue. If they did, they’d never bother hanging with people their own age.
This article is very interesting, I’m not going to lie I do like older women. But here is the thing and please correct me if I am wrong. It seems like women typically don’t prefer the younger guy. Like I said correct me if I am wrong. You can search me through my comment name since it is the same as my profile =]
This article was awesome, Thank you!
However, I’m just going to throw a couple of things into the mix as food for thought.
Women in their thirties and forties are being sexualized and revered more then any other time in recent history. In fact, most of the women you see on magazine covers and drawing money in the box office are in their late thirties and early forties. Meryl Streep is in her 60’s and making more money then ever before and drawing more at the box office then most male actors. Women are enjoying a freedom and a growth in independance, and it’s SEXY.
As a woman approaching that oh so scary age of undesirability I’ll say that I get asked out by men in their early twenties all of the time. I don’t feel the pressure to get married and have babies, in fact I’m not really sure that I want them. I am more down to earth and less psycho then most women in their early twenties, and I’ll be honest, at least in my opinion, I look better then a lot of women much younger then myself. I have gotten better and better with every year that I’ve been on Earth, and look forward to looking better next year then I did last.
That said, I want to date someone that shares my experiences and identity. That can relate to my persona and interests. That’s why men in their early twenties and older then 39 are undesirable to me, they just don’t know where I’m coming from.
When you’re looking for a partner in crime, you want someone that can keep up and understand.
The little girls that are willing to date a much older man have daddy issues and finacial issues. If a man wants to trade finacial security for sex then that’s his perrogative. But personally, I think it’s ridiculous to think that a woman 15 years younger, or even 10 years younger can be a partner and companion to a man in his thirties or forties. First and foremost, you were most likely in high school when the girl was born, when you think of it that way it’s kind of gross.
Thanks guys, another fun post giving the internet dating population advice they can really use. :o)
I know what happens to a woman after 40 that makes her think the best years of her life are NOT ahead..it’s called menopause and osteoperosis, that’s a big DUH.
Anyway I can definitely account for the “attractive” factor and such..I’m 28 and I put most girls in their teens to shame ^_~. So I don’t know what guys get all riled up about as far as looks go..
I am the type of person who has friends in a very wide range of ages and doing some of my own personal speculation within myself and as observed with the guys and girls I know I came to some conclusions. As a woman ages, she is more willing to have sexy fun, but she has a more family mindset too that makes them ideal partners.
For example when I was 18..sex was not a top priority for me, because I was busy with work, school and where I was going with my life, So having a deep committed relationship or having lots of sex could lead to complications I was NOT ready to deal with. So yes, I was young, I liked to party..but women mature faster then men..so I was not out with the 18 year old guys who wanted to get laid irresponsibly at the same time I was not dating the 30 year old man who wanted to marry me cause I was so young and spunky. I was looking out for myself.
I see this repeated in my 19 year old female friends, they are constantly being sought after by older men but they are not in the mind set to settle, they want to party and they are in no way having more sex than I am, they aren’t interested in it much. One of my 19 yr old girl friends calls me a “pervy cougar” simply because I am constantly talking about the greatness of sex whereas she has no true interest in it.
With my older female friends, one who is 34 right now..her wavelength on sex is the same as mine..and she’s married! We both openly talk about sexual adventures, something that didn’t quite exist in my early twenties. Now that I am 28..things have changed somewhat but not much. I am MUCH more open to sex because I know I could handle the risks of it and I’m not a retarded teenager anymore who believes “nothing can happen to me” so yes..I get tested regularly and YES I am selective about who I sleep with..but lord knows my libido is way better than when I was a teen. I tire out my 20 year old lover all the time. I also tend to go with younger men, because I am not quite ready to commit to anyone and I like the energy younger men have..I also have a small maternal factor and I like to watch them succeed and know I was there to help them through it..older men have no need for that. I can appreciate the older man for his maturity and the fact he has his goals set in life..and once I am ready to settle down (probably in my 30s) I may leave the younger ones behind in favor of an older man..that’s not anytime soon though. As for the reason younger men dont message older women..its simply because they are afraid. I run with a huge crowd of younger guys from age 18 to 24 and they all tell me the same thing..that they are intimidated by an older woman because he is still figuring out his life and she has all the answers. They like the naivete of the younger girl who chews bubble gum and giggles..apparently oblivious to how stupid her 23 year old mate really is. That’s the secret..they fear an older woman will see their flaws, where a younger one will be more accepting of them because she is more flawed. Which is completely false. A younger woman WILL take advantage of the flaws in her slightly older guy..he is just to stupid to realize it. Whereas an older woman KNOWS what she is getting into with the younger man..she has been there done that herself so she will be more forgiving of his flaws. Guys dont get that..so they miss out. Right now in my inbox I have 70% more messages from older men than younger men. It is a mismatch of my preferences but it completely related to what this chart is showing. So I agree with the guy who put in all this research..younger men should give the older women a try, we wont slap rings on you or have your babies, but we will show you a good time and maybe even help you out a little in your lives..you obviously need it lol.
So, I’ve actually been very open to dating older women. In fact, I often prefer it. However, my experience on okcupid at least has been that older woman are almost always looking for older men and won’t even talk to men under the age of 30.
It’s a two way street. Most women prefer older men, and are generally much more picky about younger men. You could just as well complain that there aren’t enough 35 year old women accepting the advances of 21-year old men. They have perfectly valid reasons for feeling that way, but that doesn’t mean they’re blameless. If a man CAN date 18 year old women at age 35, he will.
I think it has to do with “head” issues as well as physical. There is no doubt that there are some very attractive older women, however, older women in my experience seems to carry a ton more baggage from failed relationships, ex husbands and the like that make dating them for any period of time a challenge. Older women also are clingy and territorial ie far more jealous than a younger girl.
It’s a sad state of affairs when a beautiful, accomplished woman in her 30s or 40s doesn’t get attention because of all the cradle-snatchers out there. If you think about it, a older man and a much-younger woman relationship is disastrous for the woman because he’ll die earlier than her because a) he’s actually a lot older and b) because women live longer than men on average. A woman married to a man her own age give or take a couple of year would probably outlive her husband by 10 years but a woman married to a man 20 years older than her would outlive him by, say, 25 years. Have men no compassion (both for the partner they will outlive and for the beautiful women their own age? Are they ruled primarily by lust and hunger for status(in having a younger woman)?
As a 24 year old woman I will admit I have no interest in men over 29.
As an older woman (46) I have often been written to by younger men. I think fertility plays a large part in it. I have dated men between 24 and 36 and then again 46-50, but I don’t get much interest in the 36-46 bracket. My theory is that men that age are starting to think seriously about getting married and having children. Before that they can just play and after that they have probably already done it. So the mid-range is not going to waste their time dating women who no longer want to have children. I don’t have charts and graphs,just a personal observation.
I would pay $5 to read an OkTrends post about users who identify as ‘bisexual’ – who they contact, who contacts them, response rates, answers to specific questions (I’m thinking of, “Have you ever had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex?”). It would be a great overview of people who identify as bi on this site – many of whom state explicitly that they have not, will not, or don’t want to have any sexual or romantic contact with someone of the same sex.
Ok first off, to those pissed off about the saying that 30 is considered “older”, the first paragraph of the thesis states that two thirds of the dating gene pool is within the ages of 22-30, so yes, in the larger picture where the majority of those interested in “dating” are between those ages, 30+ is older. Also, for those women 40+ pissed about their ages not being included in the thesis, give the writer a break, she/he is making a thesis based on the vast majority of those currently dating on the website which is Okcupid, there just happens to not be a “huge” group of people 40+ on this site you understand? If you want a thesis designed to target those who date between 40-80 you might want to check out another post. Now, as far as this post is concerned, i agree totally, perhaps because i fall in the range talked about here (being 21), in my experience ive realized older women (for me 5+ years above my age) are much more satisfying. Many men are much more sexually experimental within the 20s and guess what? Most 18-22 year old females are still trying to find that “prince charming/perfect guy who will bring infinite loving kisses and cuddles to the relationship with the occasional fuck on sundays”. Not to say thats a bad thing, but i personally believe the real perfect relationship has a balance of emotional and sexual, one cant exist without the other for me, in my experience that type of mentality exists with women closer to their 30s rather then the teens. So yes i agree with this post full heartedly, good job! ^_^
Since I have been on this date site I have been approached by mostly younger men in their 20’s. I am in my fourties and I think its great. So many dont have the typical hangups that older men seem to have. They younnger men are like a breath of fresh air. And seeing how I am young at heart the matches seem to be good. I think young men of today are much more mature than in the past. So what if I have kids older than them, it’s more things we have in common.
There’s a huge elephant in this room, and its name is fertility.
Sure, all these arguments for dating older women might hold if the only reasons we dated were for love or companionship, but those are NOT the only reasons we date. Biologically at least, it’s all about having children. And evolution has shaped men into youth-seeking animals because the reward for that behavior is more children.
I’m a 33-yo man and in the past year I’ve dated women between 22 and 39. Don’t get me wrong, I love older women. I had a crush recently on a 59-yo. It’s rare to find a girl at 23 who knows and loves herself the way an average 35yo woman does, and the value of that is huge. But I want children, and I want a few years to get to know a potential mate before committing to making her the mother of my children. And that pretty much rules out anyone over 30, or at most 35, unless I want to start getting into the realm of higher risks for children with Down’s Syndrome, etc., or infertility all together. This all sounds very calculated and heady, but what I’m suggesting is that it’s actually deeply ingrained in us men on a biological level to be physically attracted to young women.
A 35yo female friend was recently lamenting to me how unfair it is that women get less attractive as they get older, and men just get more “distinguished”. I suggest it is this way because since men don’t lose fertility with age (at least to the degree women do), there isn’t the same selective advantage for women in choosing younger mates, and consequently evolution didn’t shape women to have a preference for younger men in the same way it has shaped men to prefer younger women.
So yes, men would have better luck dating older women. But they won’t do that. Because evolution demands otherwise.
Young men like to be dominated? Perhaps, beta-type males, yes. But then does any woman want a man who she can walk all over? I would think not. And even if some women do want that, this speaks to the demasculinization of our society where men are no longer being men and are instead willing to be submissive. This also speaks volumes about the insecurities of certain women in that they are afraid to take part in traditional male-dominated relationships that are the rule in every mammal species. Whether certain people would like to admit it or not, most women prefer a man who is there to protect them and is not shy about his opinion. Hence, a woman who settles for a beta is doing just that – settling.
In either case, while articles like this might seek to change biology, there is no denying that males care about looks more than anything else, while women tend to care more about status, confidence, and maturity that come to males with age. As such, women who turn 33 or older, are in a precarious stage, because at that point males of their own age stop looking at them, but instead go for younger women, while older males have either married off or are somehow dysfunctional. That’s the point where some older females turn to young males, but the sad truth is that this is not likely to result in anything serious. This will be about sex, plain and simple. Is that what these older women want? Perhaps, especially if they have resigned to the idea of never getting married. What’s interesting is that some older women in the comments have commented how many young men message them. Of course! Every young man knows that 30-something females are much more open to sex with younger men. Hence, it would not be surprising for these men to get very quick “action.” Older females should still note, however, that these are not “relationship” type men. But don’t take my word for it, try it out.
Yea, fuck you. Older women are old and lonely for a reason – they are dried up bitter loser cunts who thought they could doodle around for years with no consequences.
Girls.
If you want to be happy, pick a man and settle down before it is too late.
I am 45 and I love younger men.
Older men are set in their ways & lack passion. Not just sexual but for life.
Men my age look older than my Dad. Not good. Older men doesn’t always equal financial
advantages or security.
Money should never be a factor in finding a companion. It’s about chemistry & interests.
Not all women over 30 are looking for marriage but do want to be treated with respect.
There is something wonderful about finding someone to share fun , laughter , passion ,
warmth , kissing , good books , movies , walks , sunsets , …….. You get the picture.
Younger guys can come across like a creeper. Don’t say ” hi , wanna see my d**k ? ”
LOL that doesn’t work for older guys either.
Some younger guys may want children & need to know that ahead of time. If the lady you
are attracted to isn’t into having children there is adoption. I wouldn’t have by passed someone
when I was younger because he wanted or didn’t want children.
I’m compelled to reply to this issue of older women and imagine the many sighs that will be uttered after reading that I am indeed 62 years old. I’m probably in a very small percentage of women on this website. But I am so often told that I look a decade or two younger that I’m starting to believe it and see it myself. I can say for sure, that I look way better than 75 percent of the men in my age bracket. I’m attractive, reasonably intelligent, healthy and take care of myself. For all intents and purposes I’m quite the “catch,” and younger men (30s and 40s) approach me in person and online. But the men over 50 aren’t finding me online on their own because for the most part they’ve limited their search to women much younger than I am. For that reason I make the first move. I’m not as visual as men are, generally, so if I’m attracted to a profile I’ll call myself to the man’s attention with a note. Some respond and some don’t. But for those who ignore me, that’s most definitely their problem. I’ve met more interesting and intelligent men my way, than the one or two of my friends who have also been online. But I digress. Your article touches on some specific issues that I’d like to address here but I don’t want to generaliza or judge. These are my opinions based on stories I’ve heard from other people. So take this as it’s given. Younger women, generally, seem motivated by their biological clock and they also appear more likely to want the older man to woo them, take care of them, buy them dinners or pretty gifts, and take them places. For many of the sex is obligatory. Older women tend to be more sensual and are more likely to want a partner. We offer to pay our share of dinner or drinks, And in the sexual arena, we’re more likely to know what we like, what we want and how to share pleasure. We know pleasure because we can easily attain it without a man. We’re not desperate or needy. And we don’t require sexual enhancement drugs. I tend to think that most of us older women are more like Samantha of Sex And The City. And viva la difference. You can try to ignore us, but we really don’t care.
This article makes me want to cry. I’m 27, and very young for my age look wise and lifestyle wise. There is no hope for me is there?
men are disgusting.
As a 23 year old male – I think I will be turning up my threshold to the 35 age range. This was a very informative read, but left me with hard data that shows that older women seem to just be a lot more fun and adventurous. Thanks for this
@Merlot. I’m a 35 year old female who has come to the same conclusion as you. I’ve dated men from 21 to 55 years old and found all of them to be lacking in maturity. They’re not fully formed on the inside and because of that I can’t take them seriously. They lack the emotional maturity, attitude and relationship skills to have a “successful” relationship. I’ve learned that if I want to be “successful” in anything I must apply myself and develop the necessary skills/traits/habits.
i really gave up long time ago on using this site for “dating”. just keep in touch with a couple of pals on here. the site that promotes misogyny and sexist as much as posting this skewed, insulting “research” results isn’t worth me using it for anything.
cause i don’t want to start my day by logging in and being reminded or learning how im somehow “less desirable” and that men don’t send me messages cause im old, etc.
thank u very much, i actually have a life to leave. bye, okc
ps: articles like this and posts some breeder posters made here is the reason im a dyke actually
“number of online daters peaks at 24, drops sharply at around 30, and then gradually tapers off”
This should be “drops sharply until around 30″
Your chart wizardry amazes me. I would bet that when you got the “tides” graphic to work, you squealed like a little girl who just got a pony for her birthday. (I know I would have)
Also check out informationisbeautiful.net for some great graphics.
And thank you for your ‘desirability v time’ graph. I can rest assured that I have a few more years until I officially drop below the line…
lol@anonymous
Yeah, you keep blaming women for your insecurities and lack of relationships. You sound almost as bad as a nice guy ™. Women don’t owe you anything. Just because they didn’t initiate relationships with you clearly means that they are the ones at fault and you have every right to be resentful towards women. Clearly.
Get real.
Stay out of the dating pool until you are less resentful or try dating men. Maybe they’ll initiate a relationship more and you won’t be as resentful towards them.
Chris,
Your analytical skill are really good, and the data that you are massaging is super interesting. But I must say that statistics “per se”, are not as good as statistics with meaning. Making an extrapolation, you could say “eat s**t, billons of flies can’t be wrong!” and while is statistically correct, it is not an statistically interesting affirmation that will lead you anywhere.
I recently finalize reading Lori Gottlieb “Marry Him, …” to get an insight of the feminine point of view of all this, and while she is not the first one to bring this issue, she make a good point in remembering that the fertility age weights a lot in men interest in women. I agree that this should not weight much in man in their early 20, but it makes a difference for men in my age (I believe), that are close to 40. Men and women are not identical in this age band, and any comparison not addressing this difference is going to have a fatal flaw.
In any case, continue massaging data. The one about race was absolutely insightful.
Regards,
Gaston
Thank God someone finally put some empirical data (and logic) to this topic! I’ve always had an affinity towards dating older women, and up until now it was always hard to explain to people. Most of my guy friends would ask “why?” To which I would always respond, “why not?” I’m approaching the end of my mid-twenties, and I constantly find myself attracted to what one of your graphs referred to as the “zone of greatness.”
I love that I can have a conversation with these women (a real conversation). I’m thrilled that there is a lower level of anxiety about their life (let’s face it, once you’ve been through your 20’s you are a little more sure about your life and what you are doing – not everything is catastrophe that needs attention). Self-esteem? Loads of it. Amazing bodies? Totally. It’s seriously the most enjoyable, REAL dating experience out there. For once I can go to the theater or a movie and have an amazing, dynamic conversation.
To the women who are willing to look at younger men – thank you and keep going. To the women who do not because of social stigma – you need to get over it. Men do it all the time, and you have just as much a right as anyone else. Seriously, I’m sure there are ton of guys just like me who would find you unbelievably amazing!
Aroaco touched on what i think is the biggest element of truth here. Money=honey. It has been true since the beginning of time and is true now. Evidence Tiger Woods escapades. That man is a love machine. He also is a billionaire. Coincidence? I think not.
Our society mimics traditional poligamous societies. The wealthy have many wives, and the poor man has none. If you remove wife from m,arriage and substitute sex partner for wife, you will see the logic.
I have not seen the data for income and successful matches. These data should be a real demonstrator of fact. By successful match I mean sexual relationship or encounter.
If OK cupid has not done the association, why not? I suspect the association is so strong, that men who have less honey wouldn’t even bother with this site if they knew how doomed they were.
Thanks for a fun afternoon.
I always thought it was because females are viewed as disposable. Once they lose their youth and oh “tightness”, they’ve lost their value sexually. It’s time to trash her and find a younger female…. at least that’s what I’ve been getting from comments in forums on the subject (or maybe it’s just people trolling?).
I am so stereotypical, as I have always dated people around my own age whether they be older or younger.
I do think when we talk about mate choice we really should question whether it is a choice at all, and if we can change our preferences at all. Women are always going to prefer men of their own age or older as they make better fathers and husbands. Women over 45 are going to be more comfortable with casual sex as they no longer require husbands and fathers and men are going to prefer younger women as they are more fertile.
None of this is set in stone however as you’re always going to prefer the person who turns you on, laughs at your jokes and shares your interests.