Ok, here’s the experiment.
We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. This is the second post of our statistical investigation into the optimal online dating message; a note about how we protected user privacy is here. Let’s go:
#1 – Be literate.
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
#2 – Avoid physical compliments.
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty’s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
#3 – Use an unusual greeting.
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say
You had me at ‘what’s up’
doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
#4 – Don’t try to take it outside.
Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.
Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer. For the brainless among you who are doing this, my best advice is to paypal me 25 dollars and never use a computer again.
#5 – Bring up specific interests.
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
#6 – If you’re a guy, be self-effacing.
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
#7 – Consider becoming an atheist.
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
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@Sheyne I hear that about shirts from women all of the time. It’s funny, because I see lots of women’s profiles with pictures of them in bathing suits. Not that I mind much.
I’m not too surprised that Atheism works well online. It’s hard to meet people who are compatible with you if you aren’t in organized religion. I’m just glad that atheism is finally mainstream enough that there are more atheists/agnostics, and people are putting it on their profiles. It’s funny how many people put something like “Christian/Catholic” only to find out they don’t care at all.
Please, PLEASE, do a study analyzing words in user’s profiles. I wonder how well clichés like “I love to laugh” perform.
You really need to re-run these tests again in a month to see how this article has affected both the response rates and frequency of use.
It strikes me that ideally when you bring up AIM or an external e-mail, the OkC messages end. It’s not a good indicator of failure in those instances because the conversation could be continuing off-site. I doubt it often is, but all the same.
What is this, atheist propaganda day??
I liked your article, and think it is both informative and revealing. Perhaps a better explanation for why atheists do so well is because we have all had experiences with people who were extremely close-minded because of their religion.
No, it is not the case that the existence of God ensures 100% response rate to all messages. That would just be ridiculous. Also, if you stick around long enough (think like until the age of 60-70) you may find that there are plenty of embittered, angry and confused people who used to be atheists. I know a few.
Ending your otherwise coherent posting with this propaganda piece makes me think that for all your intelligence, you are an idiot. It is pointless to try to dissuade people who believe in God with an OKCupid blog post.
For the most part I think I’d agree with this sites tips…but had to mention, ya i was pissed off with the mentioning that atheism would make for a better relationship…in fact if thats okcupids view then it really makes me wonder why i am on here…i don’t really think having different views at all in regards to youre religion will work in the long run at all! To lose your soul, for a stupid reply is pure stupidity and really sad.If anything, if the views go to “help” the other out i would have to say its because someone might be trying to “enlighten”the other… ppl get pissed or hurt or upset or whatever when they disagree with someones differences-esp in religion… and to “consider changing religions/say that they aren’t when they are a certain religion” is only encouraging lying and a messed up beginning of anything if anything can happen for a relationship, and what good does jumping into a poor relationship from the start do???? Once again, if this is okcupids views i really don’t know why i was on it in the first place. Saying something like that is just as much a turn off, but more so than all the other stupid stuff such as slang, bad language, foul language, or coming off as a overbearing jerk who thinks too highly or is too eager to meet… Lying shows that you could careless bout anyone but yourself… to trick someone into talking to you is the worst thing you could do to try to win someone, and once they see you are a liar, then what? People who try to sell themselves online with lies shouldnt be on here in the first place… cause they ruin it from the start for themselves… if i see someone lying to me, esp from the start i start thinking theyre on here just for sex or some creepy thing…definitely not more… Isn’t this supposed to be a dating site? idk… im very upset and annoyed with your last advice! the only thing it does prove to be correct is saying something to tick someone off will indeed do 1 of 2 things… you may get a response, but most likely NOT the one you were wanting back… or the person will most likely think youre a jerk and or pity you for those stupid thoughts…
This is so funny. So people get turned off by the elimination of an apostrophe? Damn, Im glad I dont have a stick up my ass and can speak casually with people. Sure doesnt turn me on to see someone type me a message that looks like a class paper. Thanks, but no thanks!
it’s pretty tiresome to have to read a woman’s profile thoroughly and then write a very personalized message, only to get no reply… that’s why i don’t really bother doing that anymore… i just write a little note (copy and pasted) to see if she’s interested or not, and if i get a reply then i invest the time to write a better message… and i think that the whole spelling thing is a bit stupid and shallow… seeing as how modern english is a mangled form of old english anyway. when did “modern english” (what does that mean anyway) become “the definitive one”? methinks people should trade in their grammar and spelling police badge for a little skill at “reading between the lines” instead… btw some of us intentionally misspell words cos it’s “cute”.
I really like this analysis.
I only have one critique.
The writer completely skipped the very obvious reason why mentioning other forms of communication might get a low response rate … BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT RESPONDING VIA OKC ANYMORE!
I do suspect actually that its not terribly prudent to try to move it to a different forum in the very first message, but I myself usually suggest we move it there after just half a dozen or so exchanges. Anyway my point is that the statistical data on the success of that is utter trash statistics here because of the very obvious fact that if they continue communicating it probably WILL be somewhere other than OKC.
Wow… interesting to see that “metal” ranks high in the “interest” response curve… never knew there were that many metalheads out there… and it ranks slightly over “vegetarian” lol
By the by, a subset of non-atheists will gladly respond to atheists (who for some reason sent a message to a non-atheist) to try to reach them for whatever their faith of choice is, so it may be more likely to get a response but not have any bearing on whether you get a date or not with a particular person.
Also, when I saw what was said about “zeus” in messages, I thought, ‘What, no love for Xenu?’ haha
i feel this is ridiculous.
who’s responsible for this!? tsk tsk.
here’s my way, personally:
1. pictures
2. pictures
3. percentages
the profile could probably say f*ck u, srsly, i mean rly, WAT? holla @ me luv! good god! … and i could care because those are the most important things in the end:
are you physically attracted to them? how compatible are you number wise?
that’s as close as you’re going to get to another person on the computer since there is no smell factor/social interaction(<–that stuff is pretty important as well, let's not forget.)
yeah, i'll keep typing in my semi-bad grammar…
and i think it's dumb when people try to fix it- THIS IS A DATING SITE, not school QUIT being pretentious!
OH YEAH and ***PLEASE be yourself***
i hate it when people lie because they think it "works" better to meet people, it's a lie and it will most likely break you up in the end.
sad but true.
if you're looking for something REAL, be real yourself… nothing less.
with that being said,
keep on keepin' on & good luck finding that special someone!
XOXO
Tine
p.s. i love zombies
Great post. I just got a message that included 3 of the elements that you say reduce responses. Greeted me with a “hey” ( though that’s fine by me). He told me he thought I was cute (nice when it’s a sincere compliment from someone you know and like, unwelcome and likely insincere otherwise) and asked for my IM id.
My own scientifically analyzed data tells me that guys who in their first message comment on your looks and/or ask for your private contact info not a good bet.
I wrote back to tell him no thanks. Maybe I should send him the link to this blog? LOL.
That explains why Joey from “Friends” used “how’s it going” as pick up line!
This is very interesting, throws some old theories down the drain. haha…
I can see the point of “Don’t try to take it outside” but it’s not the anonymity factor. More like the fact that such messages always seem like scams. You’ll find them often at the flagmod.
As for the “Avoid physical compliments.” part, well, that’s a tricky. Because for about half the profiles in OKC all you’ve got is a picture and blank profile (or something vogely written which gives no information so it’s blank-equivalent) so the picture is all you’ve got to hang on.
With that said, I read the OkTrends regularly so far and I get the feeling you’re avoiding the “wink”s in your statistics. I just wonder how usefull it really is? and has it change since it used to be a “woo”?
[...] online? What to say in your first contact [...]
Right….My new chat up message will now be :
–
Hows it going,
Sorry, but I noticed that you mention a awesome zombie vegitarian metal band and i find that facinating.
I pretty much appologise for being an awkward atheist and by almighty zeus hope this is to your good taste.
–
I can’t fail….roll on the ladies
@ C-Honore
I completely agree about the winks. If you can’t think of something to say to me, why should I have any interest in talking to you? It’s far too impersonal.
This is awesome research but it all seems focused on the verbiage used in the message. Did you conduct any studies that revealed there’s an optimal time of day or day of week to send a first message?
sean
I found some good advice on flirting online…http://livingwithballs.com/instant-message-flirting-how-to-tell-a-girl-likes-you-online-through-text-messages/
pfft. i refuse to act like i’m an atheist to increase my hit percentage. and i was taught NOT to talk myself down and bullshit around a subject. that goes against my entire image. “we are men of action, lies do not become us”. and i would say the reason why a lot of people have a blank profile and a picture, and why they’re even at an online dating site, is for the hidden M.O. of being told you’re foxy by strangers you’ll never have to deal with. girls bitch about stuff like that (especially the more sordid and poorly-worded sexual comments) but they also like talking about how some guy they kinda find attractive thinks they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. (and for the record, it’s not about what you say, but how you say it. a sexual comment can get thru if you word it properly.) some of this data gives people credit for being deep. which is too much credit, i have come to find. there are things i won’t do for online messaging because i don’t have time to waste. i’d much rather spam down the same initial message, over and over, and get a few hits from people that are going to get their balls up and talk to me. i prefer that over carrying on meaningless conversations with 100 people. i’m on here to find someone, not collect a bunch of electric friends. i have plenty of those already.
but i might just try the metal vegan zombie message. just to count the hits. it’d be worth the laughter.
What are the stats on conversations vs. words in your profile?
@ Kutaly
Yes I’m pretty sure it did used to be woo. And i’m also pretty sure it was “court” before that haha
Great article, I would also be interested if message length makes any difference as well. I guess it depends on the details of the message, but if I get a really long message it just SCREAMS desperate to me. And obviously too short a message like “hey ur hott” is just as bad… but I wonder what the perfect length of message is?
Personally I would think a few paragraphs at most, just enough to introduce yourself and maybe create some intrigue, but not enough so that you get a bad case of “foot in mouth” syndrome.
Haha it’s fairly obvious I don’t get on here enough… that was the topic of last months post sorry lol
@ Eddie what the hell, man. First, religiosity is NOT a word. Also, half the big boy words you used to try to sound smart were out of context. Lastly, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
What about the reply rates of phrases like “I’m 6′2″” or “independently wealthy?” I’m sure those are WAAAY above your measly 30% listed here!
I’m a guy, and I’ve HONESTLY never used ANY of these pitfalls in an email to a woman. But, I’m not tall and I’m below-average looking, and after messaging 140 women over the last nine months on OkStupid, not a SINGLE DAMN ONE replied to me. Where’s the study relating men’s height to women’s reply rates?
OK, what the fuck. Thanks for torpedoing my profile, douchebags. Now every girl who reads it after reading this is going to think I tailored it to these specifications.
I agree with all this besides the fact that guys should have already have known this shit if they did it right in High School, Not dating the stupid High school girls. However I disagree with the hello because any other way sounds stupid, Like a hey or a hi or a eh or a hey I think hello shows that you are original or charming unlike those other ones that are hey that say i’m a gansta which will leave you for a other chick or a hey because that’s basic or a hi which means your lazy and shy. That’s all I have to say
I totally agree with the former Cupid woman on Sept 16 about everything and would like to add about people who immediately want to get you off site. It’s dangerous. Statistics show 90% of them are possible scammers or other such people. It is not safe and avoid anyone who tries to get your email address or get you on chat or IM before u feel comfortable enough with them.
@Schwax, Kutaly
The ‘taking it outside’ bit is still good advice. IMing someone out of the blue puts a lot of pressure on both of you to be likable and funny in real-time; exchanging a message or two first allows you to feel out each other’s personality first, so there’s more basis for conversation. If more okc users were good at spontaneous conversation with strangers, they probably wouldn’t be on okc anyway, so this is a good general strategy.
The other thing about IM (which I wish there was adequate data for) is that I strongly suspect that *offering* your IM is far, far more successful than *requesting* it.
As for the atheism thing, I find that it’s pretty successful filter for people with whom I’m fundamentally incompatible. It works the same way as the phrase “I love Twilight!!!!” With other religions—Christianity especially—there are such a wide range of colors and flavors that merely sharing the same broad faith is rarely enough. Atheism tends, overall, to be a bit more consistent.
As for winks and woos, I suspect that okc adopted them when more users started trickling in from other sites that had those features. My general impression, from being on the site for 5+ years, is that women use them far more successfully than men, but they’re not particularly successful overall.
I’ll agree – netspeak, poor grammar, improper spelling, pushing to email/chat off this site….. all major turn-offs. The first thing it tells me is that you either don’t care or are not as well educated as you claim to be. The second thing it tells me is that you are quite possibly not real.
Whenever I run into netspeak, poor grammar, and/or bad spelling I start to suspect the person is not from the US and is quite likely sitting in some large room in Nigeria or someplace else.
What does catch my eye? Someone who uses my screen name in their salutation and makes mention of something I said. It tells me you actually did read my profile and were paying attention.
As to the use of the word “athiest” or no mention of religion….. I’m a strong Christian and have discovered that having a similar faith base is an important quality in the person I’m dating. Consequently, “athiest” or “agnostic” will most likely cause me to politely reply that I’m not interested. No designation of religion on the profile may or may not cause me to reply. If there is no religion listed I may try to find out what the faith base is before making a decision. But that’s me.
Thanks for the article.
what an interesting study….and i must say, i’ve called my fair share of women beautiful…though i do tend to get right into whatever i messaged them for first, like if they are a single mom, or something…anyway…who knew!
Hey all… this is something a bit unrelated. But, what I’d like OkC to analyze next are correlations between the various filters set by users in a match search and the effectiveness of contacting people based on those filters. Also, how effective is it to contact someone who’s online vs someone who hasn’t been on in x, y, and z time periods. Another metric of potential interest may be the effectiveness of first contact via OkC instant message.
Cheers,
Alex
To Chris: It’s bad, but not that bad. Try speaking as if you _are_ 6′2″ and “independently wealthy”, or whatever it is that would make you feel confident, and you’ll at least get a reply to like one in ten messages or something, assuming you are actually interested in the woman rather than just picking women at random. It’s the confidence that does it, it’s a sort of being able to walk through walls feeling – a certain element of not caring is maybe part of it. That might get you a reply at least, but whether it’ll get you any further I’m not sure. I have my height, 5′6″ clearly on my profile if that helps convince you. I also have my photo, which scores about 6 out of 10 on hot or not and that I dropped out of education.
I wonder if atheist gets a boost as the only alternative to posting a religion or lying when what we are looking for is “Not a pushy annoying christian”?
It’s too bad this train got derailed onto a whole theist/atheist thing, because we’re spending valuable time and energy off what should be the primary mission objective — stamping out the usage of “u” and “ur”. I’m another man who automatically rules out profiles and/or emails from women who write things like “u seem interstin i like ur profile lol.”
Also, being unable to tell the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’ is an automatic deal-killer.
There is a guy on here not sure what his handle is on line here but he goes by james bill 27 on another site. He is not what he say he is and he attempts to get money from the people he contacts. Beware.
Ugh, I can’t express enough how creepy it is to get a message saying “Hey beautiful”.
Don’t listen to the keep god out of it. If a guy/girl is turned off by god forget them. Find someone spiritual who matters. Forget the numbers on it, it does not matter, God does and a God loving relationship does.
receiving random IMs from guys who haven’t bothered to read my profile is huge turn-off; and they always seem to come from guys who have no picture and no info and really low match percentages (shocker!).
anyone who would refuse to respond to a message because of a lack of capital letters is a douche-bag (see Powderhorn above). it’s an informal, online message for goodness sake. there are lots of us out here who are highly educated and completely literate who sometimes choose to write in lowercase. writing in lowercase is friendly, unlike, say, WRITING IN ALL SCREAMING CAPS!
The scammers use the word “trust” a lot in their profiles and mails. They ALSO always want to go chat IMMEDIATLY on Yahoo. They do often refer to God, or Christianity. More could be said about these “habits” of that very pecular kind of clients…
Again, and very seriously, do there is any sorting out of THEIR first contact attempts before building up the stats & graphs ? Do there is any stat available about what % THEIR first mail be in the whole of the first mails sent ?
I’m so very sure the stats & graphs would be significantly alterated if any serious pre-sorting out was made.
Also: how come there is no (or not enough) differenciation between male and female attempts in these stats & graphs ? THAT would be interresting !
One example: I bet men are more likely to “give a try” for a chat with a very hot/beautiful girl, despite sms/Internet language used in their first mail (beside the obvious scammers, of course), while to women, that’d be more of an immediate turn off. (I said “more likely”, and nothing else, ok ?)
An other example: I do doubt strongly any man would refuse to talk with a woman, just cause they’d be posing in front of a car or a motorbike… See what I mean ? I bet you do.
These stats are very interresting, but need *sharpening* in my opinion. RAW stats doesn’t mean much, as proved so many times in the fields of politics and economics… (or even religion, hehe)
The best scrubbers get on chat within 10 minutes.
I’ve got the warts to prove it.
While the results of your study are entertaining, they aren’t very useful.
You would get much better data if you fully broke out age, gender and location…
I think these are trends in general for a free site that has more outside the lines type of people. Having questions like “how many blow jobs have you given men”, or “can you give youself an orgasm” without your hand are true personality trends and it would lead to the results listed above. It tells much of what cupid provides as a “norm” of the population. Here are other general trends:
higher then normal Bisexual/homosexual population relative to other dating sites
higher then normal people who hurt themselves for pleasure
higer then normal levels of people who shave their pubic hair
Abnormally high sexual activity by women
higher men populations
mean age of 24
mode age of 23
So does that mean if you use a lot of the green words, the reply rate can get close to 100%?
Ggoing by stats, what is the hypothetical ideal length for a first contect email?
Also, see the book “Painting by Numbers.”
Hmm…I’m curious to know about the effect of emoticons. Not words, but they certainly can have loaded meanings.
Also, the composite effect of successful words would be interesting to see. Do certain green words, when used in combination, actually yield a lower response rate? Maybe not, but I’d be curious nonetheless.
As the creator of the Finding The One Online system, I am thrilled to see that OKCupid did this study. Writing first emails is all about NOT saying what’s most obvious – which is why compliments and “hey, nice profile” emails never perform well.
In Finding the One Online, I offer two simple techniques for writing original emails that get responses. And they don’t require anything more than reading a profile, offering an opinion, and having a decent sense of humor.
I’d love to hear how this works for you.
http://www.findingtheoneonline.com
Best wishes,
Evan Marc Katz
http://www.evanmarckatz.com
As a fellow math geek I find these statistics fascinating and in most ways they mirror my own assumptions (exception – zombie – WTF?)
You mention 27% return rate for men’s first attempts to contact women, how about for women contacting men? Obviously it’s higher, but how much higher?
Also what’s the percentage of women vs. men? And on the average what percent of women initiate first messages vs. men. Those are all important data to take these stats in the proper context.
I’m surprised you didn’t search for the key phrase “science fiction” – I’d be curious if it’s a turn-on or turn-off phrase. Obviously with certain people it’ll increase success rates, with others a turn-off.
That brings up another thing – if you mention something which is in the other person’s profile (reading, science fiction, atheism, band, grad degree, etc.) then it’ll certainly increase the chances for a return email – but by how much?
Personally, I find the subject of any religion/non-religion a bit of a turn-off. It’s kind of like politics. Specifically something I left off of my profile in the hopes that no-one would try to convert me. Didn’t work.
And I agree with whoever above mentioned disabling the chat function when logged in. Whenever my account was open I did the exact same thing. If I messaged someone a time or two and felt comfortable with him, then I had no problem moving it to gmail chat – but dealing with the incessant creeps who trolled for chat on okc was too much.
Also, kill the netspeak. Everywhere. Except for occasionally in a text maybe – I mean it is a text – but even then it can come off as incredibly stupid if overdone. Lols are dead, people. *Dead*