Online Dating Advice: Exactly What To Say In A First Message

September 14th, 2009 by Christian


Ok, here’s the experiment. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. Let’s go:

Rule 1
Be literate

Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.

Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).

Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.

So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.

Rule 2
Avoid physical compliments

Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.

On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:

The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.

When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty’s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.

Rule 3
Use an unusual greeting

We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:

The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.

The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say, You had me at ‘what’s up’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

Rule 4
Don’t take it outside

Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.

Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer.

Rule 4
Bring up specific interests

There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.

Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:

Rule 5
If you’re a guy, be self-effacing

Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.

It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!

Rule 6
Consider becoming an atheist

Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.

These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).

Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?

A word about user privacy on OkCupid

Though this post talks in detail about the content of people’s messages on OkCupid, all messages have been anonymized, with sender and recipient data and all IP and timestamp information stripped out. In addition, our analysis program looked at messages only two or three words at a time, to track the success of certain words or phrases (like “what’s up” vs. “wats up”). The program then aggregated results by phrase before presenting the data. No one at OkCupid read any actual user messages to compile this post.

. . .

We do a lot of math on OkCupid—most of it to help people get dates. The site is totally free. If you're single, you should check us out.

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368 Responses to “Online Dating Advice: Exactly What To Say In A First Message”

  1. It looks like you broke Online Dating down?
    I believe it is possible to find highly compatible matches using online methods.

  2. Anonymous human being

    You know the whole “hey what’s up?” greeting is not useful in a message. It works in person because it leads to an immediate response which can lead to a conversation. In the cyber and message realm it is pointless. You do not get any response and kind of floats out there awkwardly. I bypass the whole greeting on first message. The only choice left is “To Whom It May Concern” and “Dear, (insert Alias)” which sounds too formal like a business letter. I have to say I get not traffic at all and feel like I am a leper in this online society. It is no easier then trying to spark a conversation with a complete stranger at the grocery market or coffee shop. You have to have an act and looks to pull it off. I have done the research and since I am no cream of the crop I fall short every time. I am familiar to it so no damage done there. Looks count and no matter how witty and if you have all the things a woman is looking for if there is no fire under her seat when she views your picture then you are ShT of a luck. What can you do but move on and receive the same treatment and repeat the process over again. It really is a difficult task to connect with a human. The monks have the right idea, live in solitude and become one with the earth and spirits.

  3. pax

    Your logic is terribly flawed under 4: don’t try to take it outside. The fact that the response rate is lower when you try to go outside of okcupid is a perfect example of corellation =/= causation. Indeed those two things are correlated, but it could easily (and almost certainly is) explained away by the fact that there’s no need to reply over okcupid when you have a more personal way of contacting that person. It stands to reason that the next communication would be over email/phone/im. Certainly some of the time somebody backs out when someone tries to get more personal too fast, but not all of the time, and you have no way of measuring who called someone after getting their celly #.

  4. I’m really surprised by the tip that if you’re a guy, be self-effacing. As you say most people say that you want to portray a high level of confidence. I wonder if online this confidence looks more like cockiness?

  5. Rather cool site you’ve got here. Thanks the author for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to this matter. BTW, try to add some photos :) .

  6. Personally, I reply to every reasonable message. I am here to seriously find someone and how am I going to unless I give them the chance? I am honest in my profile, pictures, and replies. To me, an online profile is a 2 dimensional snapshot of a person. I want to get to know the 3 dimensional real person, and maybe fall in love. What I don’t get, is when on Quickmatch, you rate each other 4 or 5 stars, then you wink at them, and nothing….. I mean, what is with that? Or people who get on a dating site and say they are not willing to meet someone in person? Huh? Anyway, good luck to everyone on finding your true match!
    Cheers,
    Sandi

  7. Before anyone goes out into the population of single men and women who are in their 40′ and 50’s, they need to take some time alone and figure out just who they are at this era of their lives.
    To take the time to learn who that person really is, and what that person wants truly from a relationship… and what they do not want in a relationship… is the most important factor to eventually having a lasting and quality partnership with another person.
    It is one of the most difficult things to do, that I have ever faced, personally. To be honest with yourself, and know that what your used to, with someone else is not who you really are. You changed somewhere duing the years with another partner into someone whose personality has been altered to get along in that relationship. It is a normal thing to adapt to getting along with someone you live with and love. No one is immune to this alteration of their personality. If you can’t change a bit to give someone you love a more comfortable, secure feeling about you… then your relationship is doomed.

    Most people alter their own basic personality to reflect the thoughts and influences of other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions,
    their lives are not their own, we mimic what we know others want us to be like.
    We want to be liked, we want to make other people happy, so we all agree to things that we really don’t care for.. but not enough to put up a fuss to get our way all the time.. in short we compromise and sacrifice somethings we are not so passionate about to be able to make our partners more flexible when an issue comes up we are very passionate about.

    Learn your passions.. and never let them be simply a quotation of anothers passion in their life. This is the only lifetime your going to be given.. so live it being yourself.

    Be who and how you are, not whom and how someone whats you to be. If someone likes the fact that your wanting to be what they wish you to be.. this is one of the largest indicators, of one person taking always and the other giving always and the role will never reverse. It will become intolerable for both of them. No one is really happy with someone they do not respect, nor are they happy being treated as the doormat.
    This comes with a mild warning also… don’t become a “my way or the highway” personality either, if you do then you have become too self absorbed and that will be miserable for everyone, including yourself.

    Learn to pick your battles, and taking the time to know what your passions are, gives you the tools you need to recognize those things, and the knowledge of when you can flex and give a little way to make someone else happy.

    God thought you special enough to bring you to life, and don’t ever forget the significance and worth, this truth, brings to you.

  8. Handsomgeek79

    This is from a mans perspective.

    So many people are taking tips and drawing the conclusion that they must use all of them to get a response. Think of it as creative writing that you’d like to get published. There are certain things that increase your chance of a rejection letter. Using an opening like “It was a dark and stormy night” is considered bad. Also using weak phrases like “real pretty”. Metaphors tend to hold up better than similes. Grammar is important and avoiding run on sentences. There are certain genres that are more popular at times and it fluctuates. Should you compromise what you really love writing just because its popular?

    Can a good writer break some rules and get published? Absolutely. Can a bad writer just get lucky, yes. Has truly great work gotten rejected over and over? All this was is odds. There’s still the die role. Maybe the woman had a bad day or a fight and doesn’t want to deal with men right now.

    The most important thing is to remember is that women are people (I’m stating this since most the crass rebuttles where from men) try to gauge her personality and if she interests you then talk about her interests. It just makes sense. All the tips were generalizations. You have to be able to read her and adapt your style.

    An example, including hardcore atheism in a letter to a devout Christian is probably going to hurt your response. But unless you’re superficial, write to people that share the things which are important to you.

    Have fun and enjoy the art of writing.

  9. Fascinating stuff. Do you have any correlation between the *length* of a message and the chance of a response being sent? How about scoring them against a standardized readability index and doing the same correlation? (see readability.info if you don’t know how to calculate readability indices). What about time of day and chance of response? Lots of ways you can slice this data!

  10. Murphy

    Just found this blog, love it.

    I disagree with your conclusions on Rule 4. In fact I disagree that that was worth looking into in the first place. No one seriously cares what greeting someone uses. It doesn’t affect the reply rate.
    The correlation is most likely due to the fact that people who just say ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ are just writing short messages like ‘hi, you’re sexy, message me back babz.’ Where as people who start with ‘Whats up?’ are likely to be launching into a long speech.

    I’m also interested in how message length relates to response rate.

  11. When meeting a person for the first time, It is a good idea to do your homework and learn as much about them beforehand. If you are looking for a love interrest, check out to see if your enterrests are the same or if thier ideas are something you are willing to explore to see if you genuinely have a chance of a true love relationship with.

    Life is too short to not have love and companionship in your life. Everybody needs to be happy with the one they’re with.

  12. i would like to joun your culb but i really dont know if i should do it

  13. Adam

    One important thing missing from here….subject lines!!!! What I’d REALLY like to see is how effective witty subject lines are against putting just “hi” as the subject. I spend aaaageeesss thinking up funny subject lines to catch a girl’s attention (and some of them make me cringe when I look back on them the next day) but I want to know how much this really adds.

  14. How’s it going? Sorry, Zeus, god of thunder, kind of commands all you tatooed zombified athiests in metal bands to look up my profile and awkwardly tell me about your favorite movies. I’m curious that you’ll notice to mention your good taste.

  15. Mark

    How’s it going? I think your name is awesome. Sorry for being kinda awkward but I noticed that you mention in your profile that you’re an atheist vegetarian zombie with no tattoos and couldn’t help but think – and I apologize for saying this – that you probably have pretty good taste. What are your favorite movies? Are you interested in physics, video games or literature? How about grad school? I’m curious what you’d think about starting a metal band with me. — Christian Jewish Muslim Allah Jesus, Mark

  16. paula

    I was reading your rules for dating and as you expected, I was offended by your sixth rule. I’m sorry for you that you have never had the privilege of knowing God or understanding the people who believe in God.It is sad to know there are narrow minded people who choose to judge someone for believing in levels of life ,which may not be familiar to everyone. Apparently,unlike you, we have had the option of knowing both sides of the coin and of objectively studing both points of view. Whereas, you obviously have not taken the time to actually research the possibility of God. As evidenced by your naive comment about “if there really was a God we wouldn’t need a dating service.” It is shallow to think God should control us like we are nothing more than wooden headed puppets. God in his infinite wisdom, and higher intelligence would never force his will upon anyone. He allows us to decide for ourselves,who we want to date and if we want to follow him. It would be pointless to pretend God doesn’t exist just to get a date!

  17. Michael

    Ever hear anything about SCIENCE?? we use what is called the EMPIRICAL method of determining the probability of a concept.
    Essentially, if it can’t in some way be measured, it isn’t very probable –like the small green being that is standing behind you that someone else can see but can’t in any way prove the existance of . They claim it’s clearly there but can’t measure it’s existance it in ANY way!

  18. Amazing info and wonderful style you have here! I would really like to thank you for sharing your thoughts and time into the things you post!! Keep the good work.