Gay issues have been in the news a lot lately, from the debate over same-sex marriage in Congress to a sickening rash of gay-bashing here in New York City. We see a lot of emotion out there, instead of information, and we wanted to provide some data-based context on sexuality so that people might make better choices about what they say, think, and do.
We run a massive dating site and therefore have unparalleled insight into sex and relationships. Here's what we've found, in numbers and charts.


First of all, gay sexuality is not a threat.
Gay people are not sexually interested in straights.
The subtext to a lot of homophobic thinking is the idea that gays will try to get straight people into bed at the first opportunity, or that gays are looking to "convert" straights. Freud called this concept schwanzangst; the U.S. Army calls it Don't Ask Don't Tell.
We combed through over 4 million match searches, and found virtually no evidence of it:
- only 0.6% of gay men have ever searched for straight matches.
- only 0.1% of lesbians have ever searched for straight matches.
- only 0.13% of straight people's profile visitors are gay.
In our dataset, there was not a single gay user, male or female, who primarily searched for straight people.
Gay people aren't promiscuous.
Another common myth about gay people is that they sleep around, but the statistical reality is that gay people as a group aren't any more slutty than straights.
- straight men: 6
- gay men: 6
- straight women: 6
- gay women: 6
Here's how the distribution curves compare:

- 45% of gay people have had 5 or fewer partners (vs. 44% for straights)
- 98% of gay people have had 20 or fewer partners (vs. 99% for straights)
It turns out that a tiny fraction of gays have single-handedly two-handedly created the public image of gay sexual recklessness—in fact we found that just 2% of gay people have had 23% of the total reported gay sex, which is pretty crazy.

Straight people have gay sex, too.
Another inquiry that had unexpected results: we asked 252,900 straight people have you ever had a sexual encounter with someone of the same sex?
Almost a quarter answered 'yes'.

Click the airport-bathroom style icons to toggle the sex(es) displayed. Not unexpectedly, more women than men have had same-sex desires:
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straight women's same-sex desires:
- 1 in 3 straight women has hooked up with another woman.
- and of those who haven't, over 1 in 4 would like to.
As for straight men, a surprisingly high 13% have had a same-sex experience, and another 5% haven't yet but would like to.
Using the incredible power of computers, we were able to break down this question geographically. Here are straight people who either have had or would like to have a same-sex experience in the continental U.S. and lower Canada. You can see some sharp geographic divides.



Awesomely, the mountain West lives up to its Brokeback reputation, and Canada is orange nearly coast-to-coast. Even in the yellow and blue areas, you can see pockets of gay curiosity in interesting places: Austin, Madison, Asheville. Anywhere soy milk is served, basically.

Sidenote
Doing the research for this post, I came across many awful things our elected officials have said about gay people; here's a relatively calm example:

For starters, I found that a fun game to play with stuff like this is to replace the words "homosexual" and "gay" with "politician"—then you have something that's actually true.
I also spent a lot of time looking up match questions to debunk this particular claim. Down in the database I discovered one question with a surprising disparity, not between orientations, but between genders. Like Frodo to the Balrog, I wished I'd never unearthed it.

Come on, people. #facepalm.

Beyond Sex: Gay & Straight Personalities
More than just asking about specific desires and behaviors, our match questions are designed to tease out our users' underlying personalities. We've collected over 669 million answers from users so far. Below is a straight/gay comparison on 23 personality categories. You can mouse-over the ?s for each category to pop-up some examples of the many questions that affect it.

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Two things: (1) The idea of the typical straight man as a kind bullying jock seems to be broadly true, though there is also a strong dork streak there, as well.
(2) Looking closely at the chart for females, we can improve upon Marx's famous dictum.

In any event, a lot of these measured traits are reflected by the users' own words. Like we did before with race, we looked at the interests and tastes statistically unique to the different orientations, according to their personal profiles. We crunched millions of words of essay text and found the phrases most correlated to a particular sexual preference; again, these are the users' own words.
The Stuff Gay People Like
For both sexes, a lot of this stuff is way stereotypical. The size of the phrases indicate their relative popularity to the norm, and I actually had to shrink "The L Word" down to fit in our template. Meanwhile gay men's interests speak for themselves, evidently with an exaggerated lisp.
Compare those lists to their equally typical straight counterparts, below. It's like two zen koans, one by Meg Ryan, one by a viking:
The Stuff Straight People Like
As you can see, sexual orientation makes a huge difference in the words you choose to describe yourself. The small but enormous difference between lesbians' a girlfriend and straight women's my girlfriends says it all.
We extended this gay vs. straight analysis and for each orientation measured the frequencies of all one-, two-, and three-word phrases against the site-wide rates. Here's the breakdown:

There's no question that according to this analysis gay people are "different;" as you can see, gay interests and self-descriptions have little to do with the mainstream's. In fact what these numbers are saying is that the average gay person has only about 30% in common with the average American. But, ironically enough, when it comes to identity, it's hardly rare to be an outlier here. Adding an ethnic group to the plot helps put it in perspective:

Of course, as far as I know, no one's saying that Indians shouldn't get married or shouldn't be allowed to adopt children. The people of Louisiana even elected Bobby Jindal, an openly Indian man, as their governor!
We hope gay people can expect the same treatment very soon.

Adventurous
Would you consider trying food without being told what it is?
Would you consider permanently living in another country?
Would you ever get on a motorcycle?
Aggressive
Do you like to argue?
Have you ever yelled at the TV?
Do you go to great lengths to avoid conflict?
Ambitious
Would you be happy raising the kids while your spouse worked?
Which comes first for you, work or friends?
Do you want to be famous?
Artsy
Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?
Do you like going to museums?
Do movies with subtitles bother you?
Compassionate
Is it your responsibility to help your fellow human beings?
Are you the type of person to tell a homeless person to get a job?
Do overweight people annoy you?
Competitive
Is it important to you to have the last word in an argument?
Do you like board games?
If someone wrongs you...do you eventually exact revenge?
Confident
Would you say you're smarter than average?
Are you okay with trying things that you're bad at?
Are you intimidated by a partner who is more sexually experienced than you?
Dorky
Do you think the International Space Station would be a cool place to get married?
Do you know what 'http' stands for?
Do you own any dice with more than six sides?
Generous
Do you give your best friend a birthday gift?
How much do you give each year to charity?
When you loan something small to a friend, do you really care if it gets returned?
Horny
How often do you think about sex?
How often do you masturbate?
Ideally, how many dates would you go on with someone before you have sex?
Into Drugs
What's your relationship to marijuana?
Do you think drug use with your partner can be a romantic activity?
Have you tried hard drugs, like, anything you need to 'cook'?
Into Sports
Do you play actual sports?
Do you enjoy exercise?
Do you have a favorite sports team, that you really like to follow?
Introverted
Does the idea of staying in and reading a book on a Friday night appeal to you?
Do you need "alone time" to re-charge after social situations?
At parties, do you go up and talk to people?
Kinky
Does group sex sound like a great idea?
Do you like sex toys?
Have you ever used nipple clamps?
Literary
Can you name an author from each continent (besides Antarctica)?
In high school, did you read books that weren't assigned in class?
Do spelling mistakes annoy you?
Optimistic
Do things generally turn out for the best?
Can just one person significantly change the world?
Do you think happiness is possible for all people?
Polite
Do you say something like 'bless you' when a stranger sneezes?
Do you hold the door for people?
Are you frequently under-dressed for special occasions?
Political
Have you ever marched in a protest?
Is it a person's civic duty to vote?
Do you know who your state's Senators are?
Romantic
Have you been around candlelight recently?
Do you like costume dramas?
Do you like to say 'I love you'?
Religious
Do you believe in the power of prayer?
Is there a God?
Do you believe in miracles? You sexy thing?
Spontaneous
Do you bring an umbrella if it looks like rain?
Do you often find yourself bored in relationships after a few months?
Have you ever had a one-night stand?
Trusting
Do you think most people give to charity?
Do you ever leave your drink unattended at a bar?
Do you think a straight man and a straight woman can truly just be friends?
Violent
Would you find it easier to kill for your beliefs or to die for them?
Have you ever thrown an object in anger during an argument?
Do you own a gun?




@John
It is true that some gay men might fantasize about having sex with a “straight guy” (when gay guy says “Straight guy” it pretty much means a guy interested in having sex with men but is masculine and won’t admit it”… not someone who’se identity is truly and deeply 100% straight). … But again, IT’S A FANTASY … it doesn’t mean someone will actually go crazy and try to pursue it.
…. I am sure Straight men and Straight women have fantasies of their own. Perhaps involving certain celebrities or whatever… Does that mean you’ll stalk and try to sexually lure that celebrity at all costs?….. NO!, or at least I hope not. After all…that’s why it’s called a fantasy, right?
I really question your statistics. I consider myself bisexual and learned in my graduate level sexual psych class that the majority of all people are bisexual, meaning that they have had sexual feelings for the same sex at least once in their life. The problem is that there is a stigma against homosexuality so many who want to try it either don’t or do it covertly. Look at craigslist and examine all the male 4 male ads that specify that they are “straight” but looking for gay sex. Also many claim that what they desire are “straight acting” or “straight guys”, which really means the same thing. In addition, many males have had hundreds of same sex partners, like I have. If you knew of a sure way to get sex when you want it, wouldn’t you as well?
No one is “converting” anyone to become gay, they are merely finding those who say they are straight and are really bi. So to sum things up, the right wingers are wrong in believing people are being recruited to become gay and you, my dear author are wrong in saying it isn’t happening. No the truth is that most people are already bi and would act on it more if it was an accepted thing to do.
I really enjoy the first set of statistics.
I’d like to know the inverse, because 30% of the profile visitors to my page (I’m a lesbian) are from Straight men.
I think that gay people and straight people share an equal ignorance to bisexuals. I wonder if you could do a chart to say we are normal too?
My policy on Indians is “don’t ask, don’t Patel”.
What?
Fascinating analysis. I would have liked to see some breakdown by age cohort. As a 49-year-old gay man, I suspect that some of the characteristics of men in my age group (number of partners, “stuff we like,” etc.) are quite different from younger men.
@Scott As a data geek myself I completely agree THIS would be the way to teach stats. Am interested in seeing more of the “bi” perspective. Do we really fall in the middle across all dimensions?
GT
Seriously, 150-350 partners??? Where are you getting these ridiculous numbers???? Oh I forgot, hetro’s love to make crap up so they can feel better about all their one night stands, and sexual escapades. Has a gay man at the age of 26, I can honestly say that I can count all my partners on one hand, which is more than I can say about all my straight friends who have sex weekly after bar encounters, one night stands, and yes even sex without condoms. P.S. Loving the stereotypes on this comment section. FYI most gay men want to be with gay men, and because HIV was labeled has a gay disease, most homosexuals do use protection, and I’m sure if heterosexual’s actually got tested more often the real numbers would be horrifying indeed!!!
I think it’s incorrect to call Jindal an “openly Indian man”. He is better described as a “self-hating Indian”.
As a straight person with a ‘live and live attitude’, I was locked up on a false conviction in a prison cell with a series of gay guys. I couldn’t stand them. They were dangerous, rude, anal retentitve, obsessive about cleanliness as if they could somehow clean away their perversion, and down right theiving and criminal.
Once I got rid of the first one, I had another move in right in to take his place. It was unbearable. Being both butches, they would always have their sissy girlfriends in the room, and a small prison cell is crowded enough with two people as it is. I would come back from lunch or my little job, and open my door to find the most disgusting things going on. I’m pretty laid back and tolerant of a lot of things, but they were downright belligerent and creepy as hell.
I found out the hard way, its naive to have a live and let live attitude towards homosexuals. In the same way, waspish hard working techno geeks do not mix with gangsta rap thugging trash, homosexuals and straight people do not get along. The mindsets are just anathema to each other.
You may think its ok to have a live and let live attitude and whatever they do on their time is their business, until they start influencing everyone around you to debase their soul and descend to the level of perversion and self defilement they themselves have wholeheartedly embraced. All their fastidious cleanliness in the world will not erase what they have done to themselves on the inside.
Do not tell me straight people and gays are ‘pretty much the same’. I don’t buy it. That’s like trying to sell me a dirty old oil soaked hand rag from an auto garage, instead of a regular towel used in a bathroom for drying your hands, and tell me hey, they are pretty much the same, they are both towels…
love this! but I’d also like to see more about bi users, you know, about this fun stuff.
I also answered that the earth is bigger than the sun, and anyone who thinks I did it because I don’t know the diameter of the sun is bigger then the earth’s diameter, is stupid, imho. :p
It would seem no one here seems to take into account that allot of bi or gay people lie about their sexual orientation on OKC.
Some girls will lie and say they are gay when they really are bi in order to make them seem more available to women, or if they are unicorn hunting.
Some bi or gay people are not out to family, and some are already in straight relationships but don’t want their spouses to know, so they lie to not get into trouble.
some girls lie and say they are bi to better attract males because they know that most straight males find bi girls more appealing.
I never understood the dislike of gay men by hetro men from an evolutionary stand point. Genetically, as a hetro man, I benefit from a higher gay population. This removes competition from the field seeking hetro female mates I might reproduce with. Indeed, this may be why homosexuality evolved, it is an advantage for a population of males to have some men be gay, reducing the competition. Regardless, I have only ever had positive experiences with gay men. My best boss ever was openly gay. I have had gay colleagues and gay friends of both sexes for decades. Interestingly, there are no gay members of my immediate or extended family and for the most part, I don’t think any of us are anti gay in any way. Mostly a bunch of liberals.
One last comment: There has been a lot of press about gays being called derogatory names. Here’s the thing – STRAIGHT jerks call ALL boys those names! I was called those names from 5th grade until high school by bullies in a Midwestern state. The high school was in a more liberal state out west with a larger minority population. You still heard some of those words but, very rarely and mostly by guys who were too full of themselves and never directed at an individual. Ever.
@Alicia Your first paragraph is a fairly well reasoned argument, but I have to dispute your conclusion. If God exists and is the loving fatherly being I was taught in my childhood that he is, then he would not create gays and punish them for it. This argues that good does not exist not that gays don’t (the one has a lot more evidence of existence than the other)
As far as gay being a ‘choice’… where to begin, why would someone choose to be hated and treated unfairly. if you lived in the early 1900’s would you choose to be black?
And sex is an act, but not a learned behavior. Sex is essential to reproduction and therefore the continuation of the species, a deeply primal instinct. Children may be born ignorant of sex, but only because they have not yet physically matured. Children raised in good christian households discover masturbation long before they know that word, I know from personal experience. Sex is not taught in many homes in America (neither is protection) which is hurting our society, but in no way preventing sex from occurring.
People do (or should) have a choice on who they sleep with, and that choice should not affect their other rights.
Oregon rocks!
I am a bit suspicious of your personality traits stats. I don’t really think that “thinking people give to charity” is a good illustration of Trust.
Gay men are not more Trusting – people can be trusting or not – sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with it.
There are more examples, but those stats are challenged to say the least.
thank you!
Just an FYI “Lower Canada” is actually a somewhat antiquated term that refers exclusively to Quebec. You might want to change that.
I loled at the guy who used the actions of gay cell mates to come up with the opinions he now has… Seriously? They are in PRISON key word there PRISON. How ignorant can you be?
I knew there was something going on with soy milk!!
Your empirical results have no merit because you don’t look at the statistical significance of your findings. Just because the medians are ‘close’ doesn’t mean there’s no difference… the question is “how close is close enough”; most people use an alpha of .05. You should too.
The ‘Stuff straight people like’ was obviously based on Southerners, that is all.
Love the data; hate the colors. Some of those charts were strobing. Try knocking back the colors a little.
They’re aren’t the same. It just showed you what gay guys like and what straight men like and they totally differ. I was thinking about this the other day. Every time I see a hot a guy…I do think sex. It’s natural. I have straight guy friends and we even check out girls together. So then it made me think…hmm. Maybe when straight men see a hot girl they think of sex also? I believe this study is just trying to prove that gay men are like straight men as far as sex wise. They want to have to sex. I don’t it’s trying to say gay men enjoy the same hobbies as straight men. Hell I’d rather watch Will and Grace rather than watch UFC. Although some of the guys on UFC are attractive. Another stigma that I hate is just because you’re straight and I see you…and I think you’re cute. It doesn’t mean I’m going to try and pursue you. I know my limits and I know what makes people uncomfortable. I know I would find it flattering if a girl hit on me, but at the same time I would feel a little uncomfortable. So I think straight men should get over that stigma. Just because there is a gay guy around you it doesn’t mean he wants you.
What’s next, I can’t be a teacher if I answer that the feather is stronger than the sword?
LOL @ Prison Anon
What? You mean *prison* has belligerent people that are hard to get along with? No way!
Fascinating. But the one caveat here is that you are able to only make inference about the individuals who use OKCupid, not the general population. People select into OKCupid. Therefore, you can maybe draw some conclusions about the central tendencies of the demographics on your website, and maybe with some careful checking the demographics who use other similar websites (eg, use dating websites), but I’m not so sure you are able to predict out of sample to the non-OKCupid population.
Wow, softball doesn’t figure in the lesbian domain? There goes that treasured stereotype…
Dear Christian Rudder,
ZOMG. How can I trust your data when you make erroneous statements like “Frodo unearthed the Balrog”? The dwarves of Khazad-dum (specifically Durin) were responsible for that more than 500 years before Frodo was even born.
I think this is a sign that you’re anti-hobbit. Don’t be a hater… all they want is tolerance and equal rights. Please admit and fix your insulting error in the above article.
HOBBIT PRIDE!
Very few people tell the truth about their sexual practices they tell you what they want you to hear or they are bragging. Just look at Craigs list personals and you’ll understand your stats are based on what your statements are.
I enjoyed this research quite much! Good job guys!! And in my opinion this should be published other places too (with the explanation that all results come from the people on this site) but it is rather close to reality
Freud definitely didn’t use the word “Schwanzangst” – which would translated to “dickfear”
(that’s much to vulgar for a 19th century viennese professor – I doubt the word “schwanz”- which comes from the german word for “tail” was even used like this in Vienna at that time)
You probably mean “Penisneid” which would literally translate to “penis envy” – but I doubt he something like “don’t ask, don’t tell” in mind with this
What about straights looking at gay profiles? Is there a gender difference? Do more straight men look at gay (M Gay) than lesbian (F Gay) profiles? How do trans people throw off the stats?
OKC said:
Match Search Returns
only 0.6% of gay men have ever searched for straight matches.
only 0.1% of lesbians have ever searched for straight matches.
only 0.13% of straight people’s profile visitors are gay.
@Bridget
Are you a straight man? ‘Cause you sure are dorky! ~_^
This was a fun read, but I feel considering the concept of bisexuality would have helped immensely.
Fascinating stuff,
I’d like to know more about the stats,
first, what is the sample size? How huge is it? and is it an adequate sample size in each state?
second, how much of a fair sample is this dating site? As a dating site rather than an old-fashioned way of meeting people, i imagine there might be a disproportionate number of tech comfortable and promiscuous people.
Really folks, does everyone think that I went to a store and picked out “gay” vs.”straight” when I was younger. The conversation sounds like one about what kind of music one likes or hair style or movies. We’re talking a live style that we a born with and have to keep our entire live (yet I know you can be changed by some religious group). Im not much into the “new bible” but I dont think Jesus in his or his diciples writings saying”I will not walk with gay men or women” or “identify your sexual orientation to me so I can decide who will be by my side”. And to my straight “dumb at time” friends, does every girl you see want to get into your pants??? So why assume that all gay men want to do the same. You really do hold yourselves in high esteem if you think that so. And bravo to the comment about the gentlemen in prison. Im sure every straight guy would NEVER think of bending you over because they were sexually deprived. Sorry to talk so long; when you “straight guys” can brag that youve been in a relationship for 39 years with the same person thru thick and thin; good and bad times. then
@Omnichronos
But just because most people have some attraction to their own sex (whether it be a large or small amount) doesn’t make them bisexual I don’t think. The men on craig’s list who are looking for gay sex with other men are more than likely in the closet, whether it be that they’re gay or they’re bi, they don’t want it to be known that they like other men. That seems to be a less contentious argument than the “everyone(nearly) is bi” statement. It’s what people identify as (which is in part what they act on and in part what they feel/desire) that would make them gay/straight/bi/queer/pan/etc. There are fantasies that people have (maybe even gay ones!) that they may like to fantasize about, but have no desire to actually act out in real life.
And as always, you can’t force people to tell the truth about anything, so surveys will never be 100% accurate.
And a question, if a straight man or woman has a fantasy about being with someone of their own gender and enjoys that fantasy, but if they even come to the point of trying it in real life and disliking it (not because of the individual person that they’re with but because there is not real life intimate/sexual attraction to that gender), but they still like their fantasy, are they bi or straight? Of course, same could go for a gay person re: a fantasy attraction to their opposite gender as well.
@tworope
Correlation vs Causation
Well, OkCupid’s user base isn’t really representative of the population as a whole, it is a site that is self selecting and attracts people that are looking for dates and find the test, question and quiz formulae acceptable and/or fun.
Those people that are especially slutty have superior alternatives to OKCUPID, if you included in your data the last ten years of Craigslist ads you might find that no less than 10% of both gay and straight people are SLUTS with many dozens of partners!
The comment from the fella with the negative jail experience with gay people – Guess what? You’re also likely the only person in that jail with an Okcupid profile. I can’t fault you for finding your cell mate in the act of intimate sex disturbing and off putting – but I’m sure if he were mating with a girl that it wouldn’t somehow be more appropriate or less disturbing. If your only experience with Gay people is in prison, be thankful the prison gave you openly gay cell mates, the alternative may be being raped by a cell mate identifying as ‘straight’ and identifying you as ‘punk’. Also consider that you’re perhaps a homophobic ass, because there’s too many gay people in the world for you to not know even one outside of prison unless they are avoiding you for a good reason or you’re spending most of your life behind bars.
It’s possible, thinking creatively, to understand the Earth to be ‘bigger’ than the Sun by simply understanding that size can relate to many things and not just dimensions. Earth is more complex and has us other critters living on it, in many ways that makes us ‘Big’ in a way the sun can never be, no matter its crude dimensions. Not that I didn’t think conventionally and answer “sun” myself.
I mean, I fully grasp the information in the graphs but come on, the ‘how many partners’ curve is telling me that 100% of people have 25+ sexual partners and 25% have had less than 10. this does not make sense, and as much as i support equal rights for everyone, its hard to defend against people like that senator who doesn’t want gays teaching when this presentation is a good example why. But it was informative. And I hope the homophobic degenerates that stumble upon this learn a few things about gay culture.
I strongly question your statistics on the number of sexual partners — especially in the gay male community. As someone who has been openly gay since puberty, I can attest that my community (the gay male community) is very open to sexual relationship opportunities, and a positive encounter is typically all it takes to take that next step. We enjoy having sex and have it often, with long-time partners and with those we’ve just recently met. I’ve lived in a numerous large urban areas throughout my life and this lifestyle has always been available.
I’d like to add my voice to those who have already noted that OKCupid’s data might be a little off, because of how and why people identify on OKC. For all its charms, OKCupid is not terribly accommodating to those who identify as bisexual, including myself. In “real life”, I actually identify as fluid, since I’m a little uncomfortable with how the term “bisexual” just seems to underscore the “either straight or gay” dichotomy. But on OKCupid, I identify as gay. Why? Because I would like to strike up a friendship and/or relationship with another woman. As I say clearly in my OKC profile, I already have one great guy in my life and I want to explore other aspects of my sexuality. But when I identified on OKC as bisexual, I got a lot of unwanted messages from straight guys who wanted a casual hook-up, presumably because they thought my being bisexual was hot. Sorry, but my sexuality doesn’t exist just for someone else’s entertainment.
Am I lying about my sexual orientation, then? I don’t think so, because I clearly delineate my relationship status in my profile, for anyone who bothers to actually read it. But I know I’m hardly the only OKCupid!gay user out there who would identify differently, if there were both a legitimate third option and a way to filter out unwanted attention from unwanted would-be partners. And hopefully in the future, Homo sapiens (haha) will evolve to the point that we can collectively move past the either/or dichotomy and more fully embrace a multi-dimensional both/and understanding of ourselves and the world.
This is interesting, but considering that this is a dating site and that people want to present their “best” selves or portray some version of themselves that will attract the kind of person they are looking for, I’d be suspicious of these statistics and would not generalize from them. Still, they are interesting to look at as far as how people are describing themselves on a dating site. Again, this is not scientific at all, and therefore not generalizable.
Interesting article, but, once again the Bisexuals were completely ignored. We are not invisible and we should be counted, just like the gays and straights are.
This is a comment in response to an anonymous post above that begins with: “As a straight person with a ‘live and live attitude’, I was locked up on a false conviction in a prison cell with a series of gay guys.”
Hmmm… maybe it’s just me, but usually I wouldn’t expect to find the cream of the crop of our species in prison, whether gay or straight …. Methinks you have a skewed sample.
Besides, I’m pretty sure that there are a lot of straight men in jail who have gay sex because its better than no sex at all. Just a thought, but perhaps you’re labeling a lot of straight men in prison gay for this reason.
I love gay guys……because I have two gay sons, they are great, sensitive, loyal , intellengent ,honest, hard workers….all around wonderful men!!
I found it interesting that my state, the proud and sovereign state of Oregon, is almost universally red on the question of straights who’d like to try the gay thing. Actually, I confess as a gay guy that I’ve had sex with 4 straight guys since I’ve been in Eugene for graduate school – so my experience happens to conform to these findings. But the context of these encounters is equally interesting.
First, all 4 encounters were instigated not by me but the straight guy in question. In 3 of the 4 cases he already knew that I was gay, but Martin was definitely shopping around and was pleased to discover that I fit the bill (of course, we were all pretty shitfaced at that party).
Second, 2 of the 4 encounters were just a one-time deal, but the other 2 went on for a while, and in increasingly adventurous directions.
Third, I can say for sure that 3 of the encounters were enjoyable for the straight guys involved and all 4 were enjoyable for me; the exception didn’t hate the experience and certainly wasn’t freaked out by it – on the contrary, as he put it, the whole thing was no big deal. (He fell asleep about 4 seconds after the deed was done…. Ah, fucking men.).
Fourth, and best of all, I am happy to share that my relationships with each of these 4 gentlemen have remained strong. No regrets. No weirdness. No envy. In fact, I would say in at least 3 of the 4 cases, our friendship has deepened considerably as a dimension of intimacy and trust has evolved that previously had been obscured by dudespeak and pissing contests and all the rest of it.
I would never say that being straight is an illusion, that all men could or would enjoy a journey on the dark side if they weren’t so afraid or phony to try it out. Who knows why people do what they do generally speaking – and when it comes to sex, even the gods are surely mystified at our very odd behaviors. I will that the expressed motivation for this report – the okcupid folks have been concerned about recent nonsense directed at gays and therefore wanted to set the record “straight”…. er, choose your metaphor, I guess – seems to reflect a broader shift of cultural consciousness that is not reducible to the old liberal rhetoric of tolerance. These incidents of violence or discrimination against gays stand out all the more acutely in public perception because most folks under 35 no longer perceive gayness as a threat at all. If anything, it’s funny, the source of many clever icebreakers at parties and whatnot. To his eternal credit, George Will, the conservative (and very smart) political commentator who’s been on ABC’s This Week for way too long, has remarked several times that being gay is now like being left-handed: nobody cares. Hooray for America!
As a gay man I’ve had sex with straight men, mostly at their initiation. This is because I am generally perceived as non-threatening I believe. I don’t come off as effeminate at all, which would make straight guys uncomfortable; the7 can relate to me in that sense. In addition, the guys who have approached me have all known me in some context where they have seen that I am a person who can be trusted. Trusted to respect their privacy and not blab, trusted to respect their interests and not judge or categorize them. I was most often approached after doing an interview or presentation about being gay.
It is true that some guys and women too look for unavailable people to have sex with, eitehr because they want to have an excuse for failing to have sex that is not due to their own defect, or because they enjoy the challenge. I have had a few straight women try to seduce me, for example. I don’t know for sure why, but I think the challenge has got to be part of it.
If there are gay guys (and there are) who pursue straight guys it is because they are, after all, interested in MEN and straight men often exaggerate their manliness. Paradoxically the straight men I’ve known who have been offended or in a panic about a gay man showing interest in them usually interpreted it as a failure of their own masculinity. “He must be interested in me because I’m not manly enough….” Well, quite the opposite.
So while certainly straight men can be very attractive, I think fundamental respect suggests hands off and I’m glad to see that serious data shows that’s what gay men really do.
One thing I’m curious about it if there is any question asking people why they are using this service? How often is it because they are having trouble meeting someone/meeting the right person and how often is it because they fit into some unique group in which it is harder to meet someone with similar interests (kinks, orientation, etc.). I just wonder how it might bias the data (although it’s a huge data set, probably not much). Very interesting stuff, you should publish it!