The Big Lies People Tell In Online Dating

July 7th, 2010 by Christian Rudder

Nerds. As we all know, the Internet is a great place to pretend to be someone you're not. For instance, here's me in Second Life having a great time:

Anyhow, in many online situations, self-misrepresentation is totally harmless. Like, who cares if your Halo 3 avatar is taller than you are in real life? Or if flickr thinks you're single when you're really married? But in online dating, where the whole goal is to eventually meet other people in person, creating a false impression is a whole different deal.

People do everything they can in their OkCupid profiles to make themselves seem awesome, and surely many of our users genuinely are. But it's very hard for the casual browser to tell truth from fiction. With our behind-the-scenes perspective, we're able to shed some light on some typical claims and the likely realities behind them.

Let's get started.

"I'm 6 feet tall."

REALITY: People are two inches shorter in real life.

This whole post was inspired by an amusing graph we stumbled across while trying to answer the question Do taller guys have more sex? The answer, to a degree, is yes, and I'll expand on that in a little bit. But in this case what was more interesting than the sex was the (supposed) tallness of the guys.

The male heights on OkCupid very nearly follow the expected normal distribution—except the whole thing is shifted to the right of where it should be. You can see it better when we overlay the implied best fit below (pardon the technical language):

Almost universally guys like to add a couple inches. You can also see a more subtle vanity at work: starting at roughly 5' 8", the top of the dotted curve tilts even further rightward. This means that guys as they get closer to six feet round up a bit more than usual, stretching for that coveted psychological benchmark.

When we looked into the data for women, we were surprised to see height exaggeration was just as widespread, though without the lurch towards a benchmark height:

On a somewhat humbling personal note, I just went back and looked at my own profile, and apparently I list myself at 5' 11". Really, I'm a touch under 5' 10". Hmmm.

. . .

As for whether it even makes sense for people to make such an obvious and easily disproved exaggeration, the jury is out. We've found that taller people, up to a point, have more sex:

But as far as messages go, shorter women actually seem to get more attention:

These are the average weekly unsolicited message totals by height; you can think of these as the number of times a person is "hit on" out of the blue each week on OkCupid. a 5' 4" woman gets 60 more contacts each year than a six-footerThe genders are plotted on different scales because of the eternal fact that men almost always make the first move, so women get many more unsolicited messages.

It's plain from these two charts that women six feet or taller are either less attractive to men or are considered too intimidating to message. The data also raises the interesting possibility that these tall women are much more likely to sleep with a man who does approach them. Compare the 6' 0" woman to her 5' 4" counterpart: the taller woman gets hit on about two-thirds as much, yet has had slightly more sex partners.

"I make $100,000 a year."

REALITY: People are 20% poorer than they say they are.

Apparently, an online dater's imagination is the best performing mutual fund of the last 10 years. Here's what people are saying on OkCupid, versus what their incomes should be:

Use the slider to watch as people exaggerate more as they get older. As you can see, people advertise disproportionately high salaries for themselves. Just to pick a symbolic amount, there are consistently 4× the number of people making $100K a year than there should be.

Note that in formulating the "expected" lines for each age we were very careful to adjust for OkCupid's particular demographics: we compared every individual against the average not just by age but by zip code. Here a breakdown by gender of the exaggeration rates:

A woman may earn 76 cents on the dollar for the same work as a man, but she can fabricate, like, 85 cents no problem.

As a public service, we've decided to make our income calculations available. The following widget will calculate the statistically expected income of your potential matches; you give it a gender, an age, and a zip code, and it'll spit out a salary. Then you can confront your dates about exactly how much money they probably do or don't make. Fun!

. . .

We did a little investigating as to whether a person's stated income had any real effect on his or her online dating experience. Unsurprisingly, we found that it matters a lot, particularly for men. This is a by-age messaging distribution:

These bold colors contain a subtle message: if you're a young guy and don't make much money, cool. If you're 23 or older and don't make much money, go die in a fire. It's not hard to see where the incentive to exaggerate comes from.

"Here's a recent pic."

REALITY: The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date.

The above picture, for example, was over two years old when it was uploaded. How do we know? Most modern cameras append text tags to the jpgs they take. These tags, called EXIF metadata, specify things like the exposure and f-stop settings, gps information if your camera has it, and, of course, the time and date the photo was taken. This is how programs like iPhoto know when (and sometimes where) you've taken your pictures.

Analyzing this stuff, we found that most of the pictures on OkCupid were of recent vintage; site-wide the median photo age at upload was just 92 days. However, hotter photos were much more likely to be outdated than normal ones. Here's a comparison (the age of a picture below is how old it was when it was uploaded to our site):

As you can see, over a third of the hottest photos on the site are a year old or more. And more than twice as many hot photos are over three years old (12%) as average-looking ones (5%), which makes sense because people are more inclined to cling to the pics that make them look their best

Another useful (if somewhat unorthodox) way to take in this graph is to follow the horizontal gridlines. If you trace out from "20%", for example, you can see that 1 in 5 average-looking photos is at least a year old, meanwhile, among the hot photos, nearly 1 in 5 is at least two years old.

It also turns out that older people also upload older photos:

The upshot here is, if you see a good-looking picture of a man over 30, that photo is very likely to be out-of-date. Not to get personal again, but my own OkCupid photo shows a Burberry-dressed 27 year-old, strumming away on his guitar. Meanwhile, I turn 35 in a couple months and am writing this post in the same shorts and tee-shirt I've been wearing for a week. Time waits for no man, unless that man doesn't update his personal information.

"I'm bisexual."

REALITY: 80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender.

OkCupid is a gay- and bi-friendly place and it's not our intention here to call into question anyone's sexual identity. But when we looked into messaging trends by sexuality, we were very surprised at what we found. People who describe themselves as bisexual overwhelmingly message either one sex or the other, not both as you might expect. Site-wide, here's how it breaks out:

This suggests that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches. You can actually see these trends in action in the chart below.

Again, this is just the data we've collected. We'd be very interested in our bisexual users' thoughts on this single-sex-messaging phenomenon, so if you'd like to weigh-in please use the comments section. Please note, everybody, that we don’t assume that bis should be “into both genders equally.” We only assume that they should be into both genders at all. The swaths of red and blue that you see in these sexuality charts represent people who message only one gender. The purple areas are people who send any messages, in whatever proportion, to both men and women.

In this chart, throughout the teens and twenties, the male bisexual population is mostly observably gay men. By the mid-thirties, it seems, most of these men are more comfortable self-identifying as gay and have left the bi population. By the end of our chart, 3 of every 4 bi males on OkCupid are observably straight. Meanwhile, the proportion of men who message both women and other men holds fairly steady.

The proportions for women are more consistent over time:

12% of women under 35 on OkCupid (and the internet in general, I'd wager) self-identify as bi. However, as you can see above, only about 1 in 4 of those women is actually into both guys and girls at the same time. I know this will come as a big letdown to the straight male browsing population: three-fourths of your fantasies are, in fact, fantasies of a fantasy. Like bi men, most bi women are, for whatever reason, not observably bi. The primacy of America's most popular threesome, two dudes and an Xbox, is safe.

. . .

In gathering data for this last section on sexuality, we found so much interesting stuff that we're making it the topic of our next post. We'll look at the messaging, searching, and stalking (!) patterns of gay, bi, and straight people and see what else we can learn about the sexual continuum. Until then, no lie: thanks for reading.

842 Responses to “The Big Lies People Tell In Online Dating”

  1. RandomYak says:

    OKC folks, why wasn’t there a chart of the response rate to women based on their income? I’d think the very fact that it says something less dramatic says some interesting things. Likewise, how about a chart of how many messages people send (seperate for each gender) based on the income of the person receiving the message?

    Also, just as an aside, why do most comments about a survey with a dataset of 1.5 million individuals consist of people justifying why their behavior tracks the data trends, or asserting that the data trends do not apply to them? The fact that this data does not describe you does nothing to disprove it, simply that like countless others, your behavior does not track the trends described in the data fully. Likewise, who cares if you think the conduct described is justified because these things don’t really matter and what matters is the delicate soul inside you? These posts are interesting because of what they have to say about sexual politics in 2010, not individual situations.

  2. Matt says:

    As a bisexual guy (one of the rare ones who messages both genders), I’d like to point out that an easy explanation is that some people do indeed like both genders yet for the time they’re involved with OKC, they are only seeking one gender. It’s a matter of taste. Some months (or years) at a time, I may only be interested in seeking a relationship with a certain gender. Furthermore, perhaps it’s easy enough to pick up one gender offline and they seek assistance online for the other. For being a “gay- and bi-friendly place” I’m very surprised you leapt right over these easy answers and straight to “This suggests that bisexuality is often either a hedge for gay people or a label adopted by straights to appear more sexually adventurous to their (straight) matches.”

  3. ken Sikora says:

    What about age—how much of a misrepresentation is there for men and women

  4. Chester Sellars says:

    Finally OkC pays attention to the lgbt population in OkTrends!

  5. Prodigeek says:

    I find most of this rather interesting. I notice that the older men get, the more they exaggerate their income. I also see also that men receive more messages based on listed income as they get older. I also find the data on bisexuality interesting.

    What even more interesting however, are the subtle or not-so-subtle conclusions you suggest for many these findings.

    For example, you have the data right in from of you that women make less than men on average. Without going on too much of a tangent, I do of course recognize that the reasons behind that are not as simple as getting less pay for the same job description and same work in the same company in the same locale. However, the fact that you take this info and (albeit “comedically”) scorn the disadvantaged demographic for exaggerating their income.

    Then in regards to the “recent” picture trends, you mimic the trend of nearly every modern media outlet when it comes to your message. Your words at the end graciously admit your own guilt but what gets immediate attention and shoots right to the subconscious of the reader is the visual and large print:

    “REALITY: The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date.”

    You need not look very far on the internet to find just about every male in the teens to mid-30s demographic (and beyond) busting all over women for trying to hide the fact that they are “fat and/or ugly” even when they really are not, but only fail to reflect the magazine/T.V. “ideal” image (without any mention of the fact that perhaps men are being shallow).

    You only need to know a little about the psychology of advertising to know how strongly the subconscious is affected by this arrangement. It sets the mental filter for the rest of the message. This just affirms and tweaks that already present bias, and gives it a nice little pat on the back.

    Do I think your intention is to deliberately convey this message? Probably not. Do I think your gender biases are showing? Absolutely!

    Lastly, with the issue of bisexuality I find your conclusion especially specious. While I expect that your supposition is certainly true for some demographic of people, there is no recognition of the fact that we still live in an extremely sexually repressed society. How many politicians (especially to the south of Canada where I live) are afraid NOT to call themselves Christians much less actually be open about the fact that they are gay or bisexual or other?

    I have still been working on the courage to LIST as bi, much less actually message someone who is male although I am undeniably attracted to at least some men. I have no mainstream guidelines for who to relate to another man with sexual or romantic interest, and for the most part only the fear of scorn to guide me.

    This issue as with the others you have listed should be recognized as complex and having many factors other than the ones we’ve been relentlessly trained to detect by normative social/political pressures, mass media, coffee/locker room talk, and pretty much every other source imaginable. The “normal” becomes the invisible baseline from which we operate and can blind us from meaningful investigation of the ALL the possibilities in the world around us.

    I challenge you to be more aware of your personal biases and challenge your world view every day of your life.

    Oh, and not that it should make a difference, but unfortunately it probably will… I’m a man.

  6. tallbrit says:

    I’m six feet, four and three-quarter inches and I always lie about my height. Six feet five generates much less interest than six feet four, although my excuse is that rounding down is hardly a serious distortion.

    And those handful of messages that the tall girls get?
    Most of them are from me…

  7. Drew says:

    Another interesting article – thanks for this!

    I’ve not read through the 400+ previous messages so I apologize if I’m being repetitive but I wanted to discuss a possible bias in the self-reported income figures. I am curious what impact there might be based on these self-reported incomes being from your user base versus the general population.

    I assume (yes, I know) that as compared to the general population, users of this site are more likely to be single; be more technologically savvy; are more likely to own their own computer; and more likely have internet service at home.

    I realize that many non-single people use this site on a regular basis, but imagine it’s likely that a disproportionate number are single. Being single (or not) would probably skew any average income levels.

    And although somebody owning their own computer (and have access from home) has become much more commonplace this would still affect the numbers to at least some degree. Obviously there are public access computers with free internet access but it seems to me at least that this might not be a website frequented by those users; at least not to the extent that they’ve registered and created a profile.

    These factors when combined with the requisite technological savvy may make the OKCupid population statistically more wealthy than the general population. Just a thought.

    :-)

  8. paul says:

    As far as referring to people who claim to be bisexual as “a lie”:
    I get this kind of attitude all the time…not just from straights but gays too.
    Yes, if I sign up for a dating site I list myself as bisexual.
    Yes, I almost always I engage females on these sites.
    I have had prior relationships with both males & females…& even though I prefer females, I would consider it unfair not to be open about my past experiences (if I hid that detail, it would be “a lie”).
    What most people don’t realize is that for a great majority of us, bisexuals will go through phases lasting months, maybe years of preferring one gender over another.
    For me at least, gender exclusion is the only “lie”, in that it denies one human being from sharing a bond with a true soulmate due to a extra ounce or two of estrogen or testosterone before birth.

  9. 808guitars says:

    On the topic of approaching taller girls, I’m 5-11 and like tall girls. Even girls taller than me I think are hot! However, this editorial ignores the fact most girls have that “I only date guys taller than me” rule. So while taller girls might get approached less, but have more sex, I’d bet they’re mostly having sex with guys taller than them. Look at the matching peaks between a 5-10 woman and 6-5 man. Coincidence? I think not!

  10. Brittney says:

    I’ve been saying for YEARS that there is a 2″ rule with men. I’m 5’11” and was so sick of dating guys who said they were 6′, and then ended up being shorter than me. Glad to know it is a scientific fact!!!

  11. BP says:

    Haha I’m a 30 year old 5’7″ tall unemployed male student that doesn’t lie… maybe that’s why I don’t find too many dates on here? Nope, in actuality I’m just picky about the various personality types I encounter on here.

  12. libraryasaurus says:

    Okie dokie. I identify as bisexual, and I joined Ok Cupid specifically because I wanted the ability to search for both male and female dates. In practice, however, I receive a disproportionately large amount of emails from men. When I’ve tried messaging women I’m interested in, winking, etc. I usually get no answer or nothing comes of it. Statistically speaking, I’m sure that there is a larger population of straight-identified or bi men I’m attracted to than queer-identified women on Ok Cupid as a whole. More people in the world are straight-identified, no? Also, in my dating experience, “homosexuals” are much more biphobic than the “heterosexuals.” I use quotation marks around “homo” and “hetero” because most humans are some varying degree of bisexual or pansexual when they really think about it. Don’t ask me why it has become such a social taboo to be romantically attracted to a person regardless of their sex type. Apparently, in more ancient times, it wasn’t such big deal.

  13. Geoff says:

    Well, I’ve never lied about my height. Does that mean I have to go change my profile and add a few extra inches now, lest people think I’m shorter than I really am? :P

  14. Feral says:

    I am a bi women and I only contact women, because I am married to a guy and don’t need/want another. If there was a listing option for couples, I think your stats would look very different. Also, in RL it’s easy to connect with guys and pretty challenging to ID femme queer girls, so on OKC that’s no longer an issue.

    interesting stuff! :)

  15. nicraq says:

    just a thought-could the prevelance of bi’s messaging 1 gender be simply that they already have a satisfying relationship with someone of the other gender?

  16. yaknowthatguy says:

    there seem to be some significant assumptions here. I fall into the over $100k sector due to my career, but my ZIP code may not reflect that very well. Does it mean I’m lying? Or does it mean I live in an area where couples are usually making this income combined? Yes, I’m fortunate, but the “statistics” imply that I’m lying about my income.

    Same for height. I’m 5’9″. I’m not 6′. I’m not over 6′. I’ve dated women taller and shorter than me and neither is an issue. Perhaps this means that those of us who are honest are skewing down the amount that other people lie? So for everyone who tells the truth, it’s another person who lies by 4″ of height? This isn’t covered well either.

    Interesting concepts, but the interpretation of the data is really open to some opinions, and takes some assumptions that may not be entirely accurate.

  17. Mostly says:

    You fools. You’re taking it as a given that if you take an environment-influenced trait like height and compare OKCupid users to the general population of U.S. males you’ll get identical averages, even though I would guess that OKCupid users are much less likely to, say, have suffered from childhood malnutrition or preventable pediatric diseases.

    I mean geez, what could account for a uniformly taller population? Could it possibly be because OKCupid users and random people are not interchangeable? Nah. They must all be fibbing, see, even if this hypthesis leads us to absurd places like the idea that a 5’6″ guy is equally likely to add a couple of inches to his height as someone 6’7″.

    This just sucks. Back to Real-World School for Remedial Common Sense. All of you.

  18. Kira says:

    As a ‘youngin’ comparatively to a lot of experiences in general, I find some of the observations noted in this OKTrend hard to believe. Take, for instance, the “23% of bisexual women message both genders.” I can only imagine what this site would be like if ALL opportunities/positions of life were exposed as freely as ‘straight’, ‘bi’, & ‘gay’ are. Also, has OKC even tried taking into consideration the comfort level of any given individual?

    What I mean by that goes along with who I identify myself as- I am a low 20s woman at a height between 5’8 & 5’9, depending on who I’m standing next to lol… &, to top it all off, I’m a bisexual- at least in terms of what’s available on the list. Now, it’s true, I consider myself part of that 23%. Having said that, majority of the people who send ME a message (whether I send it 1st or not makes no difference) are straight men. In general, most of my friends that I hang out with on a somewhat regular basis are guys because I relate to them more often than women around here. That’s not to say I don’t hang out with women, or talk to them, or date them. Far from it- I can honestly say that every woman I’ve ever asked out has rejected me- politely or not- saying something like “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” or “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” or- more often now- “I don’t lean that way”… only to find out between a couple hours to a week from that point they’re off dating someone else. Mostly for other women. What I’ve seen posted by others a lot is “I talk to women because I don’t trust men online.” Though I would agree- in some situations- that men can be creepy, they tend not to break my heart as often, so I talk to more men through convenience- no offense, fellas. If I didn’t feel so intimidated by women online who genuinely WANTED to talk to/hang out with/date me, I’d be all for it.

    For all intensive purposes, it’s not like OKC is giving us much of an option to browse the dating field anyway. I can guarantee that over 75% of the profiles I receive in my quiver are straight men. Why? Because the gay/bi profiles somehow don’t match up with my ‘compatibility’ & therefore seem to find their way to something resembling a dumpster… emphasis on DUMP. I don’t purposefully shoe away gay/bi profiles from my quiver- hell, even straight profiles- unless I feel we’d clash too much in social differences. Most of the time, I don’t even realize someone has interest in me because, to be frank, everyone (yes, EVERYONE) is shy to some degree around new people & they- myself included- don’t have the guts to tell the other person. I’m a social butterfly when it comes to someone I don’t know, but that feeling eventually fades & time goes on- no biggie. With the addition of ‘icebreakers’, it just seems that gap of awkwardness & doubt gets bigger. But I digress.

    I agree with a good chunk of comments made that there aught to be more than just ‘straight’, ‘bi’, & ‘gay’ listed for identity options. I’m on another site (that shall remain nameless) that not only has the standard options, but has given the opportunity (which I so graciously took) to be such identities as PANsexual, MTF/FTM, queer, hermaphrodite… you get the idea. They seem a lot more open to the idea that not everyone is the same or looking for such a broad genre of people.

    Overall, that’s my two cents. Thanks for reading, if you had the patience to hang in there for the ENTIRE rant lol.

  19. Jason says:

    I’ve noticed a lot of profiles of bi women who are already in one relationship and are therefore only looking to add someone of the *other* gender. Many say it explicitly on their profile with extra emphasis: “Do not contact me if you are male!” or “Only looking for women right now!”

    I imagine that’s a large part of the issue you’re having with your expectations about the ‘bi’ label.

    I also think you need to add more labels.

  20. B. Z. says:

    Personally as a bi woman, I tend to not message women because I’m scared of them! They all seem way out of my league and they never message me so we rarely have contact.

    As a short woman (and probably just a woman in general) I get an IM almost every time I’m online and messages on a pretty weekly basis. Makes me wonder if that’s more than usual to make up for my lack of height! haha

  21. Jimmie says:

    Ugh. These stats frustrate me because now EVEN MORE people are going to give me BS about the fact that I’m not really bi. I’ve only been on OK Cupid for a short while, but I’ve gone on dates with two women and two men, and things got physical with one of each. Actual bisexual people do exist.

    Also, I put on my profile that I am 6′ 1″. The reality is that I stand 72 and 1/2 inches on my bare feet, as measured by a medical professional. There is no option for half inches, and since I’ve long observed that men exaggerate their height by at least an inch, I round up to 6′ 1″. Actual honest people also exist.

  22. Sherry says:

    I think there ought to be a lot more options for people to state their preference. If you are poly for example that should be something you can check mark and it wasn’t last time I looked. I’m not looking to share a partner so that would help me weed out the truly poly and the guys who are looking for multiple partners just because it sounds like fun.

    I think if you are sincere on this site you can spend a few dollars and get a picture made that looks good. It’s very irritating to meet men who post pictures from the long past.

  23. Ever says:

    I’m a 23 year old bi female, who messages men. Usually, I only reply, since I’m not looking for anyone. While I don’t discriminate when it comes down to who to take to bed, I mostly date men. Though my longest relationship (4 years) was with a chick. I am into men a little more, add to that that I want to settle and have children and that is definitely easier if the partner has a penis. In my experience, it’s easier to pick up girls offline, as I seem to know a slew of self identified and cool bi girls in real life. On the other hand I know precious few men who would qualify for a relationship in real life. So there are my five cents.

  24. Chris says:

    I use old photos and I’m 21. Average photo age is 1-1.5 years or so.
    I can’t be dicked to bother taking new ones. I’d argue i’m more attractive now than before(face is sharper, abs are better arms are bigger) but i don’t care enough.

    I think it’s more about laziness than deceit. Also, as you get older, the less a year of time affects your overall attractiveness/looks. I can see a bigger difference between myself at 16 and 17 than I can between 19 and 21.

  25. Random bi says:

    As a bi person, I’m going to guess that also, a lot of bi people might come to a dating site to find a partner of one specific gender – either they are in the mood for a fling with that gender at the time, or they have a man/woman and would like to get to know a woman/man too.

    And of course many will post one, maybe 2 messages only, then drop off the site, leaving the appearance of bias.

    Being bi doesn’t mean a person is looking for both genders at the same time. Coming out of a relationship and looking for another, or being polyamorous and looking for a parallel relationship or fling, it’s quite normal for a person to be looking for a partner of a specific gender.

  26. Lizzie says:

    Others have said this before, but I’d also find it interesting to look at weight/fitness exaggerations. I don’t fudge my height or income, but I do put that I’m “skinny” even though I’m more realistically average because I suspect that that’s what the general dating population all do.

  27. Sure dude says:

    About the taller women phenomena getting less messages, i can’t talk about online dating, but from going to parties: It’s very clear to me ( i am really 1.73 meters high and quite good looking male) that for women there is a small range where they can be higher than me and still give me chances. Women above this range almost never give me any chance (even if they have much worse looks than the average one i get chances with). I guess women are somewhat predisposed to only accept men that have almost the same height or higher.

    And probably males have already figured that out and refrain from seding messages… That could explain why of theses figures…

  28. Sergio says:

    I am surprised you didn’t list other things which are big lies on the site: Like somebody who says their ready for a relationship, but in fact is still playing games, or the fact that many people while claiming to be single are still involved with somebody, i.e “I want my cake and eat it too.” syndrome. The blog post a lot of old news that is well known.

  29. Melelina says:

    I am an mature active, attractive, slender mono-woman.
    I have stated my true height, weight, age, etc. Everything is true. When I search for men around my age they all want much younger women.

    What ego’s these ‘old’ men have.

    Are they looking for sex with a younger women?
    They should realize, most of them could not keep up with a younger woman.

    Are they looking for a care-giver?
    Most of the younger women will not be care-givers unless the man has lots of $$$.

    I am looking for a gentleman around my age who is healthy, active, honest … for friendship, companionship, relationship or ?
    So far …. really disappointed!

  30. Cameron says:

    This is pretty funny stats, and how true. But at the same time I need to update my photo now because I was 20 at the time and now that I’m 24 I think 3 yrs is too much. Although I haven’t changed much since it was taken.

    Its better to be upfront about yourself before you meet someone and they are like wtf! At least its not like I was 20 at the time and now I’m 30.

    TidalMoon – Nine times are you serious?!?! how does that even work? did he get marierd every two years? Or was he Arabian and had like 4 wives at a time? (no offense to the Arabians)

  31. Bryan says:

    Silly me. I told the real truth about everything and my pics are up-to-date. I guess I’m ok enough with myself that I don’t feel a need to lie.

    Oh, actually, I should qualify that by saying that my real height is 5’11”, but okcupid wouldn’t let me be that tall. I tried to fix it a couple of times, but every time it rounds my height off to 5’10” or 6′. Right now it says 5’10”, but that wasn’t my idea – okcupid is making me shorter.

  32. tauroid says:

    What about people who DON’T lie.
    I really am 6’3″ tall, and have never felt the need to lie about it
    However because I do like to be honest about this stuff, and have no reason not to be, I find that no one wants to hear it, or just arent interested in me because I am just a regular person who has regular problems and interests.
    Personaly, I find some of these areas to really not be any oine elses buisiness. What I make or how new my car is, shouldnt be a problem, especialy since I am not asking them to improve on that. I can pay my bills, and even afford to take them to dinner on occasion, so whats the difference? I have no interst in someone seeking me out for my “worth, or Value” anyway.
    Though I wouldnt lie on here to improve my chances, because that is not acceptable as proper behaivior for myself, anyway, I can see why people would.
    If you seem too human or normal, it is unintersting to many mate seekers.
    Most peoiple just assume everything about others anyway.

  33. Lisa says:

    I stopped reading profiles altogether, that way I’m not disappointed if I find out they’re lying because I’d never know…

  34. joshua says:

    Sometimes the age of the picture is just a function of how long a person has been using this website. I followed you guys from the spark when it closed, so obviously some of my photos will be from back then. At least half of my photos are from this year or last.

    How honest to be is an odd choice to have to make when communicating in a medium where so many people lie so frequently just to have a chance at meeting someone. Presumably the supposition is that once someone actually finds out how wonderful you are in person, they won’t care that you lied just to break a taboo. For example, since I don’t look nearly my age even in real life, how great a sin would it be if I listed my birth date as 1980 instead of 1975? If others are lying too, telling the whole truth puts me at a disadvantage, doesn’t it? It’s a slippery slope, but a difficult one to avoid.

  35. Jay says:

    I list myself as gay and message the opposite sex now and then anyway. What’s that make me? There needs to be a ‘queer’ option.

    A lot contributes to who messages which sex most, it’s not nearly as simple as whether they are ‘really’ bisexual or not.

  36. chris says:

    >>I have to ask: why do you care? If you communicate with a person and find you have common interests & mutual attraction, are you then going to drop him/her because of what the calendar says?

    No, James. I think you’re missing the point. Whether age/income/height is crucial to a good ‘love match’ or if they are superficial details isn’t being debated. She’s going to drop him/her because they lied.

  37. Judd says:

    I think if people want real results u need to just b real and dont judge by looks or money get on and talk to people wich is better having someone who thinks alike that u can share everymoment of ur life with or someone who looks good but hates u lets face it both would b great buck age height and income r all just numbers do u want to b a number and fellas just be honest they will find out eventually and hate u for lying and u will b alone once again

  38. URNemesis says:

    I came to this conclusion years ago. People on online sites don’t tell you who they are, They tell you who they wish that they were. I’ve learned to take self descriptions with a huge grain of salt.

    I try to tell the whole gritty ugly truth about who I am because I’m looking for friends in the traditional sense of the word ie NO “Benefits”. I have no stake in lying.

    As for the yearly salary? Is that before or after taxes? I list net pay.

    The stats are the best part of this site. I learned about OKC via my stats class in college.It’s g33ky good fun.

  39. Jockey says:

    Funny that the women commenting here place so much emphasis on every inch of a man’s height, but can’t seem to understand why anyone would exaggerate. Are you lying when you put on makeup or do any of the other million things a woman does to enhance her appearance? Gee… I met this woman, but later found out she wears makeup! What a horrible person she is to misrepresent herself like that. I will not stand for such deception.

    Besides… it’s not like I can’t make myself appear two inches taller when I need to. I know all the tricks. ;-) Maybe this should make me feel at liberty to lie by 4 inches… Nope that’s still not enough.

    Oh, and by the way: yes, you 6’4 guys should tell women you’re 6’6. And you can probably even forgo the surgery. I happen to know that from where most women stand, nobody can tell the difference. And if there’s one thing everyone here can agree on, taller IS better.

  40. Trev says:

    I recently contacted a girl on OKCupid who listed her age as 22 and income as $1 million.

    At first, I presumed it was good natured bs. We met a few days later without having talked about it much. Her claim turned out to be substantially true. She was referencing her parents income since she was still in school. But her lifestyle, means, connections, and attitudes were certainly that of a multimillionaire. I am affluent, but this was orders of magnitude beyond.

    The date and sex were fun–but as OKCupid predicted we’re poorly suited partners. Too bad.

  41. zocodover says:

    Good post but you didn’t even mention the biggest, most obvious category of lies on OKC–body type. Body type lies are so prevalent that entire words have shifted definitions. For example:

    -“Average” now means “A little extra” (though in fairness the average American does pack a little extra).
    -“A little extra” now means “a lot extra” or “full-figured.”
    -“Full-figured” no longer conjures images of Jane Russell in her Playtex 18-hour bra commercial, instead this word has been pushed to the far end of the body type spectrum, a last resort of sorts.
    -The most grievous euphemistic appropriation, however, is the word “curvy.” Curvy has traditionally been a legitimate (and desirable) body type to describe women who are not fat but have natural curves. Now, however, the definition of “curvy” has been completely distorted to include adipose undulations–curves where curves where never meant to be.

    I am not trying to hate or be a body typist, but I find it morally repugnant when definitions of words are dishonestly appropriated to an extent that the mainstream no longer feels secure in using them (see what the Conservative/Christian Right has done to words like “freedom”, “truth”/”truth seeker”, “belief”/”believer”, “fellowship”, “abortion”, etc.).

    Also, while the lack of precision in body-type terminology makes it somewhat understandable, it’s really annoying that OKC allows you to filter your matches on every criterion *except* body type. It’s obviously a conscious decision that seems to be geared towards further enabling America’s tendency towards over-consumption and lack of self-discipline.

    Yes, there is a bias in America towards thin/fit body types and many people develop real self-esteem issues about their own body image. But societal biases like that exist for every metric or classification (the whole reason people lie in their profiles in the first place); it’s just that body type dishonesty or overly optimistic self-projection has become something of a protected category on OKC. This lack of transparency is annoying and, on some level, defeats the purpose of OKC which is to be able to select efficiently potential friends and partners based on a person’s known preferences.

  42. Jo_Mama says:

    On the bi thing as well:

    A lot of us women have a much easier time meeting men in real life, and/or already attached to a man. Women are much harder to meet out in the world without running into the stigma of “bi” or “gay” being attached to it, when in reality a lot of us are just poly-amorous. I wouldnt call myself bi, but I am here to find other women. You just dont have a drop-down for poly :P

  43. mandy says:

    I identify as bisexual, and do message both men and women…so that puts me in purple heh…but it’s pretty much always been widely known that most men and women who claim to be bi, only do so to get attention from their opposite sexes. Sad. People don’t seem to be happy to just be who they are anymore…but I know I’m happy being me, and I know who I am. :p

  44. Eleanor says:

    On the bisexuality issue. . . I’ve actually wrestled a lot with keeping or changing my label on the site. I list myself as bisexual, because I have had significant, meaningful relationships with both men and women. Right now, I am more interested in finding a male partner for a significant, meaningful relationship – but I want any potential partner to be aware right off the bat that I have dated women, and I am attracted to women as well as men. I’m also not opposed to finding the right girl. . . but like many bisexual women I tend to be attracted to one gender at a time, for a long period of time. Sexuality is fluid, in my opinion.

    I don’t think that it’s a lie – and I’m not listing myself as bisexual to seem more adventurous. I’m trying to be honest about my history and my identity so that I don’t have to “come out” on a first date only to learn that my date has severe homophobic tendencies. It would really kill the mood to casually mention traveling abroad with an ex girlfriend, only to find that this guy is not okay dating girls who have ex girlfriends.

    I wish OKC allowed us to list “sexuality” and “right now, interested in. . .” – though only a small percentage of us would list those two things differently.

  45. energeticonnect says:

    Hey how come there wasnt anything up there about people lying about their body type.

    I met a girl on here, real cute in her pictures. She looked younger in her pics so I asked her how old they were, she said kinda old. So I asked her if she had a fb so i could tell a little more about her and make sure she was a real person. She looked a little more plump in those pictures but still aright. I was hesitant but she was nice so i went for it.

    I show up and she was easily 50 lbs heavier in real life! I didnt run away, I hung out had fun went home. then later told her your a nice date but i dont think we should see eachother again.

    I feel like i asked good questions like asking to see some ones fb to see up to date pics. But even those can be false

  46. David says:

    I guess I’m a rare bread then because I don’t lie about my height, age, income, zero. Then again, I’m way above average intelligence. Once you’ve realized that lying is a waste of time, then you will stop lying about yourself. It’s that simple. There is no secret to it; just be comfortable with yourself and you’ll be fine

  47. Lilly says:

    I have the perfect term to clarify the whole “bi” thing, and yes, I’m stealing it from another website. ( I’m not telling which one.)

    ready? drumroll………………

    Heteroflexible.

    It SO works both ways, all up and down the spectrum.
    Lickable, too, it rolls right off the tongue.

    =D

  48. SensualDivergent says:

    This is an idea for an OK trend. Where do people look the most to connect to you. Is it my profile, my picture, my journal comments, my questions, or through matches, or visitors.

    If most people view my journal, then I’m more likely to update it fairly frequently.
    If it is my pictures, then I’m more likely to change those.

  49. starkiller19 says:

    “REALITY: The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date.”

    Great analysis. I am who I pretend to be.

  50. Awgrey says:

    I think OKC users would benefit from the site utilizing “Kinsey’s 0-6.” It helps define the gray area.