Ok, here’s the experiment.
We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. This is the second post of our statistical investigation into the optimal online dating message; a note about how we protected user privacy is here. Let’s go:
#1 – Be literate.
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
#2 – Avoid physical compliments.
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty’s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
#3 – Use an unusual greeting.
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say
You had me at ‘what’s up’
doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
#4 – Don’t try to take it outside.
Obviously, all successful OkCupid relationships outgrow our in-site messaging feature. But an offer to chat or of an email address right off the bat is a sure turn off. One of the things online dating has going for it is its relative anonymity, and if you start chipping away at that too early, you’ll scare the other person off.
Also, don’t ask for or give away a cell number (10%). I thought that was a no-brainer. For the brainless among you who are doing this, my best advice is to paypal me 25 dollars and never use a computer again.
#5 – Bring up specific interests.
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
#6 – If you’re a guy, be self-effacing.
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
#7 – Consider becoming an atheist.
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
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I liked and used the old chat system, this new one I don’t like. It is dull.
Kyle, take it easy, and let people sign up to the site for whatever reason they want, and use it however they want, as long as they’re not abusing it.
Haha, Atheists and Zeus bringing hearts together.
Did anybody else get an irresistible urge to try to combine all the most (or least) effective words here to get a best/worst possible first greeting? E.g.:
How’s it going?
Sorry, but I noticed that vegetarian atheist zombie metal band you mentioned. Good taste — you are pretty awesome, LOL! Pretty much curious what your name is. Awakward!
-Zeus
Or:
Hi sexy, ur hot. God, realy luv wat u hit, very pretty. Please chat/email/msn/yahoo ?
Now if only we could get more of them to read this.
What’s up ?
It’s nice that you mention pretty good video games.
Kinda noticed that fascinating, Jewish, metal band “Howdy Zombie!” in your profile and I apologize, but I was curious… your name is Christian, and I am pretty sure you mentioned Jesus was cool. So, sorry for my awkwardness, but it’s probably nice to mention if you are Christian, Jewish, Atheist or even an Allah-curious Muslim… Haha !
It’s pretty much, awesome that grad school physics and studying litterature
It’s cool you are vegetarian, yo. Good taste is for more than just favorite movies, and tattoos (LOL).
Anyway, just wanted to say “hola” !
-Steve Zap
austin is right, Cupid is a member of the Roman pantheon.
Fantastic post! I have to say, I’m most surprised that the self-effacing stuff worked. I wonder how much of that has to do with the OkCupid demographic – which seems to skew to people less interested in traditional gender roles.
I’m certainly not surprised that speaking in specifics helps a message out, but I wonder about length, and use of questions. I have a trick I call the One-Line-Hook, which is a short message basically consisting of a question, that I find works very well.
I think I can explain the atheist one.
It’s an intro message. Atheists or agnostics are occasionally hard to find, and is more likely to be a requirement of a dating partner than others who aren’t as devout religiously or irreligiously (yeah, I just made that up). The Jewish folks are much more likely (I’ve been turned down by a couple of great people just because I wasn’t Jewish) to desire to date within their own religion as well. Because of the sheer volume of Christians and the lack of really devout followers in the younger segments, it makes sense that they aren’t as apt to make religion a first message topic. However, it is kinda funny to tell people to drop religion if they want a date. As an atheist, it’s pleasurable to see.
As for metal, I agree with one of the earlier posters…my guess is that it revolves around a music topic, and the message says something like, “I can listen to most music except metal, and maybe country.” If you queried against the words metal and the non-qualifiers like “except” or “other than”, my guess is that’d be the result, at least that’s what I see when reading other profiles. Metal is a minority music taste.
@ SaintGasoline, I have such a crush on you.
In case it’s not obvious, you should probably leave the phrase, “I am going to get laid so hard now,” out of Saint Gasoline’s form letter.
If becoming an atheist gets you laid, apparently I’ve been disbelieving wrong.
i rarely email men on this site anymore, and after my date last night, who revealed that he’s lying about his age on his profile and that he’s still living with his lesbian ex gf, i’m contemplating deleting my profile. most of the men who email me are illiterate, or rude, or both. i edited my profile in hopes of keeping men i wasn’t interested in from emailing me, but mostly what it’s done has provoked men who don’t meet my requirements to get bitchy with me. i basically can’t meet anybody normal, no matter what i do.
when i have approached a man via email, i am always literate & always mention something from their profile. the real problem seems to be that most men are victims of the “grass is always greener” school of thought. no matter what comes their way, they always think they can get something better. while i don’t begrudge anyone for having high standards, i think a lot of men have impossible standards for what they expect out of a potential girlfriend.
I would like to start off this broly reply by saying: half of that awesome messages are for me. I am severely upset that words like “SUIT UP” and “LEGENDARY” isn’t listed. I am also upset that “Haaaave you met Ted?” isn’t listed in this blog too. Well I’m off with my bros to pick up some chick off a shady area downtown. Peace out homeslice. Why am I doing this? Because I’m LEGEN….wait for it….DARY.
John wrote: “In America most people are Christians and in the world most people have some type of faith.”
While this is true, most folks in both America and around the world are still not into online dating and this website specifically. Of those who are, I have to agree that there are more people here who are of an undecided religion or none at all, and the reasons behind that are as posted above.
I’m still really curious why Zombie is so prominent in first messages and so successful, I think it’s the sheer randomness of it. Lol at GRAAAINS..
I think much like the previous post in this blog, what the results don’t show is the fact that the profile, and profile pictures of the sender also affect the response rate. I’m not Brad Pitt, but still Angelina Jolie refuses to sleep with me. WHY?? (I don’t actually want her though, I like Jen better)
Lastly, I second the motion for a post about the subject of first messages. I’ve banged my head against the keyboard many times trying to figure out just how creative/random/unique/whatever I want it. Likely that doesn’t have much effect, but it’d be interesting to see, I think.
I’ve done almost all of these things in my messages to no avail. Most do not answer back, and if they do, they eventually stop answering after one or two responses. What’s that all about, eh?
Regarding #4: I wonder how camwhorespambots have skewed the data? i.e. The fake user that solicit for offsite porn links would be often using words like this, and they’re pretty easy to identify by any user with at least half a clue (thus they don’t get a reply). Looking at the gender break down of #4 would probably help separate out the camwhorespambot-factor, as most of them seem to be F to M communications.
I would like to see this study done again but only in communications between two parties who have read the study. Does wide-scale adoption of this advice negate it?
What about Dating Persona? I love these stereotypes and regularly check them as the first thing when evaluating someone. Could you graph cross-persona success rates?
I always reply to the “camwhorespambots”! Something like…
‘Pretty hot, for a bot…’
No response on that. Maybe I should try some of the above suggestions. Even a camwhorespambot needs love right?
i feel so retard after read all this shit, u mite not beleave meh but its true i m definately gonna talk this over with god, this totally throws off my game, and if this is true, man i could send out a thousand letters and with the help off that godless metal band zombie vegatarians,get a reply to everyone,man oh man im gonna be rollin i n ass thats pretty fuckin sweet,life is awesomely beautiful
Now if you can manage to get the guys who never look at anything except for a girls photos to actually read this blog and do what it says, then the site will be highly effective. I believe though that the only people who read these blogs are the ones who are intelligent enough already to send appropriate messages (and use proper grammar!).
[[rock on fellow atheists!]]
John S you are an idiot. No one was attacking people of faith, however you seem so insecure in your own “faith” that perhaps you should look inside.
My own experience is that people who begin by mentioning religion are invariably single topic zealots, and usually not in the least religious.
This could get boring fast:
How’s it going? Its awesome over here pretty much. You mention you were in a vegetarian metal band? – what good taste!
I noticed that you are christian? I guess I’m an awkward atheist when it comes down to it!
Speak to you soon!
Guaranteed reply?
I have concluded that my initial message should be “Hi sexy, ur hot. Hit me on MSN.”
Have you run the numbers by age groups?
I wonder if the 40+ age group ressults would be significantly different. I suspect so.
I recently got a message that “it’s good to see someone who is serious about her atheism.” I think he read this post. (I didn’t reply back)
Nothing surprising here. Most of the users who publish ways to get people to respond to messages go into greater detail then that shown why it works?..why this doesn’t? This is for people who didn’t believe those posts worked in the first place.
I often use “Yo” as in the “Yo mon” context, so I was a bit disappointed that it didn’t show up (and no, I’m not Jamaican and I don’t think they talk that way).
Big kudos to those who composed “standard” messages, they’re kinda awesome for a Zeus! It’s taken hold of me too…
p.s. How’s it going? That can’t be an opening line, it sounds more like a closing one!
[...] Here’s some online dating advice that will get you the most replies, according to blog.okcupid.com. Their #1 advice is “Be Literate.” Here are some of my takes, which only makes sense [...]
I’m in a metal band, that should work fantastic! xD
Wow. According to this, every message I’ve ever written should have got a reply. This is, sadly, very much not the case. But at least now I can take it personally; its me… not my messages =P
I am kinda stoked about the atheism thing I’ve been noticing online recently. I used to search for atheists and have to keep widening my search radius just to find 1 or 2. Now we are the majority (or the somewhat less committal, “agnostic”). Fact is, some of us can’t see a person of any religion as entirely sane, and that is a huge deal breaker for us. Just like if someone told you they saw unicorns ridden by leprechauns. You would say, “Hey. Thats cool. I respect your lifestyle choice.” then back away until it is safe to run. No difference at all. Thats why I also like the ’seriousness’ factor. Weeds out the fanatics. Cupid is now the only deity I recognize, ‘and laughing about it’ =P
You guys should allow people to volunteer their OkCupid usernames to a system which tracks each OkTrends blog article we’ve read. Then you can start to evaluate your sample bias problem by seeing how your findings change when people start following your advice.
This is an excellent, excellent article. It should be a mandatory read in schools, actually. I have a few comments to share on it, though.
1.- In some parts M to F messages are given more insight. How about F to F or M to M messages? It would be nice to see the change (or lack of) in the results.
2.- I guess some other factors influence the response rate. Like pictures, for instance. Although I guess there are both good and bad-looking people in each side of the literate/illiterate spectrum, so that may average stuff out so that the results are somewhat fair after all.
3.- About part #4. Could it possibly be that people actually DO take conversations out to AIM/Yahoo/whatever? That could be a perfect explanation for the lack of answers. Personally, I have hardly had any negative answer when I’ve asked for IM screennames, since I’m not that great a pen pal and the IM feature here has more or less always been sorta glitchy.
Don’t tell the robots.
Very interesting social experiment here. I especially like tip #1: BE LITERATE! “ur, ya, wat”–probably not the best way to introduce yourself to a lady.
Still, is not taken into account the rate of replies that are intended to give a polite “no thanks”, as in “No thanks, you look pretty, and your personality seems awesome, but I would really not date and ATHEIST”
Hahaha ! ;D
@THE_OS75: I think you’ve got it the wrong way round about the ‘metal’ keyword. Remember, these stats aren’t showing what are the most popular keywords, but the most effective. The more uncommon the interest, the more likely someone is to respond to you if you immediately tell them that you share that interest. Hence the high percentage – only a small number of people use it, but they will tend to use it with people that they’ve picked out as being likely to be receptive.
[...] sehr dubiosen seriösen Singleplattform, die einen Katalog mit Do’s und Don’ts erstellt hat. Hier der komplette Artikel – falls ihr euch den wirklich antun [...]
I really love these posts. Well done, guys.
I, as a guy, have turned down women who come at me with slang like ur and u. Drives me crazy.
I guess the entire rule of thumb is, for guys… don’t be intent on getting that date. Just be casual and friendly. Women see that stuff. As long as you’re not entirely aloof or batshit crazy, someone is going to take notice. If you make it your number one goal to meet someone, even on a dating site, you’re bound to fail.
Been there.
[...] OkTrends — analytics from a dating site show what works in email. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. (read their note on how they protected privacy before freaking out) [...]
John says: Hi sexy, ur hot. God, realy luv wat u hit, very pretty. Please chat/email/msn/yahoo ?
I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten that second one.
For the purpose of this survey, do you consider a conversation that switches to IM/Email to be successful? Example: if my first message says “If you want to chat, IM me”, and they IM me instead of replying via OKCupid, I consider that success, you appear to consider it a failure. That could explain the high failure rates for “taking it outside”.
Might it not be the case that in stead of Jewish people sticking to only Jewish people, they might open up to people without Religions for the sole reason of there being a small chance on them converting?
I wouldn’t know; but I thought the numbers would be less boxed in groups based off religion.
As far as this goes, I believe I do use most of the stuff mentioned here. I just do what feels right and try to stay as punctually correct as possible. Coincidentally I happen to use most words mentioned.
Good read for the rest. Interesting to read more stuff like this.
Please be sensitive to offense when writing these articles. It’s all in fun, but humor has fine lines, especially regarding religion. Specifically, the remark, “…ideally you should disbelieve…”, isn’t called for. Subjective material has it’s place, and isn’t necessary in a ’study’.
I second the idea of including Dating Persona results in the statistics. I’m very curious about which pairings are most/ least successful.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Peter Vo. Peter Vo said: Online dating advice: Say 'Howdy' instead of 'Hello'. Avoid physical compliments. Become an atheist. Talk about zombies http://bit.ly/vn0nc [...]
[...] of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself online. (read their note on how they protected privacy before freaking [...]
well done! I like the religion piece – so true. Religion can make or break a first connection – best to be neutral!
[...] дополнение к предыдущему спору. На блоге OKCupid вывесили статистику по тому, какие слова используют мужчины в письмах на [...]