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Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: Rawkingfish on August 10, 2012, 10:48 pm

Title: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Rawkingfish on August 10, 2012, 10:48 pm
So let me go ahead and start by saying this could get long....Im still pretty tweaked.

I Joined SR two weeks ago, and I really wanted to use it to experience some of the as of yet unobtainable goodies I do not have access to. Geography, social reasons, whatever the reason, there are certain things I have not come across in my years of use and abuse. Narrowed my list down to meth or coke (i am sure there exists a supply for both)

I figured I would go ahead and give crystal meth a shot, got a 1g order. Started Wed at around 10am, did a small bump....burns like hell, but i sort of like the burn. within about 2 minutes Im pretty much feeling like "Yup, exactly what i was expecting" I had flirted with adderall and ritalin in the past so I had some idea of the state of mind.....at least at that very early point in this binge. I went into this thinking that, like my pill abuse, I could keep this confined to an "as needed to focus" sort of rationalization. I went to work, I also felt compelled to take some with me just in case work got busy, or stressful, i could redose and stay on top of my tasks. As soon as i grabbed the snuff bullet (thanks Dark Moon!) i got this feeling of forshadowing....it had been 3 hours since my first bump, and already my brain wanted more. Got to work, became super-employee, great mood....dosed 2 more times in the 9hr shift.....When I got home around 10pm, the smart rational part of me knew i should not touch anymore meth and let the crash happen.....but I had just been at work! I didnt get to have any "fun" so out comes the bullet....another bump. Wednesday night....is pretty much me sitting at the computer reading forum posts, browsing my favorite sites, commenting(holy shit epic blocks of rambling nonsense) on forums.....for 9 more hours. Im sure i redosed somewhere in those 9 hours, i honestly cant remember....I was absolutely focused on the screen.

 By 7am Thursday, I am feeling some aches and muscle pains...almost like the aches after a normal day, but intensified obviously because I havent had sleep....My back was absolutely killing me....but...instead of taking a Klonopin, smoking a bowl and ending it there.....despite that being my plan, i reached for the bullet.....Thursday was filled with much of the same as Wed, except i had to run some errands....so i got out of the house....I noticed a slight headache creeping up, and realized i probably wasnt drinking enough water.....i certainly hadnt eaten anything substantial, maybe a few pretzel chips, and i think a can of tuna since the start of the binge....

By 7pm Thursday, Im feeling pretty shitty, still sore, still a headache despite making an effort to hydrate more(gatorade...its got electrolytes)
and eat a little bit....and Im torn:

"Is this the crash i was warned about? Do i really want to sleep from now until saturday night? I could do just one more bump and have a few more hours of focus and fun.......Yep, another bump....

This time there was the familiar burn, but after waiting i felt no change in my mental or physical state..".well, maybe ive gained a bit of a tolerance, ill just try one more" so i did another......this brought back the hyper focus, but my body still felt awful....stomach in knots, back was sore.......I kept this up until around 2am this morning.......I didnt take the klonopin, i just passed out on my couch....i woke up at 11 this morning, still sore and felt the cloudiness that comes with the morning after a fun night multiplied by about 5. I walked over to the desk, and took two bumps, i feel alert, but i dont feel "good", the next thing that shouldve clued me in on the fact that my brain was depleted of dopamine was that it was at least an hour after waking that i wandered outdoors for a smoke....its only now that i realize nothing that i can do will alter this comedown, despite knowing that i have to let it happen, part of me is sad....even though if i were going to keep it going id just be prolonging this sore, alert but sort of dazed fogginess that had me in its grips.

My thoughts about this experience are that I came into this thinking I had a firm understanding of what it means to tell yourself no. I did not excersise the willpower required to not fall into the binge/crash cycle I had only read about. I have kicked a pretty fierce opiate addiction in the past.....so Im not sure why I thought I would be able to control a new drug experience, at least in terms of not letting a night or day of fun turn into almost 3 days. Some people may be able to handle this drug in the weekend warrior sense....but im not sure if I can. maybe its my nature to push a drug to my personal limits.....ive taken some pretty heroic doses of lsd......maybe part of me wanted this....and who knows, maybe its a good thing....because this right now, is not fun. If.....I should say when i do meth again, i know what exactly what kind of feeling is waiting if I dont place limits and i allow myself to binge....Im not sure how some people can keep going and continue feeling good after 2 days....

It is a fun drug, i see very clearly the potential for abuse, i realize that as a addict, i am playing with fire. If anyone out there has any tips for avoiding a binge, id love to hear them. I enjoyed every part of this experience aside from the fatigue that became overwhelming and the slight disappointment in my lack of self control, I say slight because after a certain point of whatever bullshit justification i gave myself for continuing, more and more of me just wanted to see how far i could go before i wanted it to end.

Despite not having redosed since this morning i still feel like im getting the hyperfocused, mind racing, talkative aspec, but my body is still fucked. What kind of saturday am I in for? I just packed a bowl, if Im not tired after that, ill take a klonipin....no nore meth....its pointless at this point. im guessing im going to have the blues for a few days, thats my expectation....no worries....kicking methadone gave me the fucking blues for 6 months AFTER my last 5mg dose....so a few days of depression should be doable...im anticipating some cravings to hit soon....

I hate to sound negative, i see the greatness of the drug, all in all i consider this a positive, learning experience....

if anyone made it through all that nonsense, thanks for reading!


*Edit to add a few things I left out. Aside from the desire to tackle another mind bending chemical, the other reason I wanted to try it was to experience it for myself. Growing up in an area that is for the most part unaffected by the so called "Meth Epidemic" (I'm sure its out therre somewhere, but in all of my local dealings not one person has ever provided me a connection) I have read all of the horror stories, seen all the propaganda, watched supposedly unbiased documentaries and all of those created a preconceived notion. I'm withholding final judgement until I return to baseline and reflect on this without the "15 different thoughts at once" hyperactive brain.

Also please forgive my horrible grammar and spelling mistakes......Im remote desktoped to my PC from the couch on my ipad....I could clean up things as I see them, but its a bitch and whenever i tried to go back and fix something it would derail whatever train of thought i was currently typing...




Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Joey Terrifying on August 10, 2012, 10:51 pm
i only read the first sentence and the last two, but from just that i can say:  "you're fucked."

hope you make it out alive, dude.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: chil on August 10, 2012, 11:00 pm
Another cautionary tale against Meth.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Rawkingfish on August 10, 2012, 11:03 pm
i only read the first sentence and the last two, but from just that i can say:  "you're fucked."

hope you make it out alive, dude.

Hah! Should i just edit my post to just, "tried meth, im fucked"

 Thanks! As of now, i have no desire to try it again. That may change in a few days, at least now i know what awaits if I dont stay in control.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: barney on August 10, 2012, 11:42 pm
It's a great drug under the right circumstances, but it's the only drug that I feel like I have no control over when I do it. That's why I don't do it anymore. I had some epic times with it, but eventually after 8 months of daily use I went into a psychosis for a few months, and I believe this is the inevitable conclusion to prolonged daily use because of staying up nights so often. I wasn't doing huge amounts either, just bumps here and there throughout the day, but the drug is so strong that a little bump can keep you going all night and into the next day. Now, I do believe there is value in the drug and things to be learned, like I said I had some epic times with it. But when you do it every day you're playing with fire in the truest sense, and most likely you will eventually get burned, and it won't be pretty.

I honestly don't think it's possible for most people to use self control with this drug. I like drugs, but I do not recommend that anyone makes a habit out of doing meth. A little bit here and there isn't going to hurt you and can be great fun and you can learn a lot, but daily use is a no-no.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Rawkingfish on August 10, 2012, 11:58 pm
I honestly don't think it's possible for most people to use self control with this drug. I like drugs, but I do not recommend that anyone makes a habit out of doing meth. A little bit here and there isn't going to hurt you and can be great fun and you can learn a lot, but daily use is a no-no.

Yeah, I agree, I mean.....I kicked a 4 year opiate addiction with a 1 year taper off methadone...opiate addiction is hell, and methadone withdrawal is the absolute worst thing to endure imo. Week after week of "When will my legs stop aching?! Why can't I get out of bed? Will I sleep more than 3 hours a night this week?"

Going through all of that, I made the classic mistake of just having an oxy....I had fun, but didn't feel like having another one. I have plenty of ways of getting my original DOC, and since that first oxy I've had a few more over the year, but its not something I seek out or crave. That prolonged withdrawal pushed me to the brink of suicide, I was an absolute cry baby I'm sure, but I would've given anything to just feel "normal" not fucked up and nodding off....just normal....and then almost instantly, one night after months of hell I got a full night of sleep, woke up, got out of bed, and my legs didnt feel like I had been doing squats all night, and walked outside and man, i swear the blue morning sky was the bluest I've ever seen. Taking the occasional oxy and not falling back into old habits gave me the false sense that I really could set limits and obey them. And I'm sure anyone who has been through an opiate addiction,withdrawal, sobriety relapse cycle will tell me, It could happen to me again, and they are right....but so far "I'm behind the wheel"

I am humbled by the power of this drug to take self control and just obliterate it. I feel arrogant for thinking I could stop whenever i wanted. I'm sure some Meth users with actual habits will read this and laugh at how naive I sound.......trust me, I'm laughing too. Because now, I "get it" and maybe that's what I set out to find.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: sassy on August 11, 2012, 03:12 am
Meth binges are so insane. by the end i look like this  :o
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Rawkingfish on August 11, 2012, 07:12 am
1.5mg of Klonopin seems to be bringing this to a close pretty smoothly. Glad I had those handy, shouldve done this on thursday, but then i wouldnt have learned a lesson......I dont actual enjoy any benzo....but have needed them for panic attacks in the past.
Meth binges are so insane. by the end i look like this  :o
Yeah, ive been afraid to to look at myself.....i probably look like a maniac....i have pretty crazy hair and usually even after a normal night of not aleeping well, i have massive dark circles under my eyes. So i just dont even want to see how terrible i must look.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Sname on August 11, 2012, 07:39 am
Good story. I have been considering buying some crystal to help me get my shit done. I may give it that plan a second look now though.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Joey Terrifying on August 11, 2012, 04:01 pm
Good story. I have been considering buying some crystal to help me get my shit done. I may give it that plan a second look now though.

anything but meth.  i can say from lots of experience that its the worst drug in the world.  heroin is a close second, but meth is worse because it eventually turns you evil...heroin just turns you pathetic.

these days i wouldn't do anything more than coffee, nicotine, and possibly a sudafed to get things done, but if you really need something stick with a responsible dose of adderall or ritalin or something else like that a bit less extreme than crystal.  don't even bother opening the meth door in your head, its just not worth it.
Title: Re: Meth, first binge, thoughts and observations.
Post by: Rawkingfish on August 11, 2012, 04:29 pm
these days i wouldn't do anything more than coffee, nicotine, and possibly a sudafed to get things done, but if you really need something stick with a responsible dose of adderall or ritalin or something else like that a bit less extreme than crystal.  don't even bother opening the meth door in your head, its just not worth it.
Yeah, id be inclined to agree, if you need a good burst of superhuman focus, stick with amph salts...i could always direct my focus well on those..

There is a huge difference in the type of focus with this, maybe at a smaller dose its possible to direct focus...but i found myself focusing on tasks i didnt really want. At the end when i was absolutely exhausted, i would find myself sitting very still, almost catatonic....id realize thst my arm was tingling because i had been holding it in a strange position while lost in rambling internal dialog. very weird experience...but any hopes i had for focusing my attention on a real task after that first night were gone.....plenty of focus, but on the most random shit...

Again, my personal experience, not saying its like this for everyone.