Silk Road forums
Discussion => Silk Road discussion => Topic started by: ukmj on November 22, 2012, 11:07 am
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At least keep some spam off the front page:
What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
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What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
Or, if you wanted to be really offensive...
What's worse than the holocaust?
finding a worm in your apple...
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Ahmed is on a train from D.C to New York the train is traveling at 125 mph. the distance between New York and D.C is 250 miles. How many will die in the blast?
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
I'm sorry.
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Whats the definition of poverty? When you have to masturbate to feed your cat.
Who sucks more cock than Jenna Jameson?
The champ who spammed the fuck out of the forum just then. Thanks for my first sr bullshit experience with a knob jockey spammer.
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What's six inches long with a big head that makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
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What went though John Smith's head as he stood on the 98th floor of the WTC?
The 99th floor
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What's the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?
The fridge doesnt fart when you pull the meat out
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How do you get a 6 year old girl to cry twice?
Wipe the blood off your cock, onto her teddy bear
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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can't change shit.
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What do you call a black man who flys an airplane?
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This is funny and true at the same time!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
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What do you call a black man who flys an airplane?
a pilot you racist!
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How do you get a 6 year old girl to cry twice?
Wipe the blood off your cock, onto her teddy bear
ohgeez XD I thought mine were bad
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What do you call a black man who flys an airplane?
A pilot, you racist :D
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Whats better than smoking a joint with a baby?
Making a bong out of one.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Root beer and vanilla ice cream.
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What was the last pizzas ordered to the world trade center?
Two large planes
lol
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Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
;D
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Im assuming most here are US so 'hungry jacks' should be exchanged for 'burger king' and I hope this is still relevant...
I walked into Maccas the other day and you wouldn't believe it, the girl at the counter was wearing a Burqa! It was the first time I've seen someone in a fast food joint wearing something out of uniform. You know, just the regular head garment, made from black cloth.
So yeah anyways, the next day I'm down the road and change it up with some lunch at Hungry Jacks. Twice in the one week I couldnt believe it, there was another muslin woman working the counter. I think she must have been from a different country or culture than the other one because her burqa was decorated with embroided patterns and stuff.
Then I realised......
.... The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks.
tricked ya!
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the newbs panicing on here have been the biggest joke lately
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How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?
They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.
I like my rape victims like I like my latte
Weak and skinny.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mum's bedroom.
I can't believe it..
She's a superhero!
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm
His wife is laying in bed ,
The man says "This is the pig i fuck ..when your not around"
The wife replies "Thats not a pig,,,thats a sheep"
The man says "I wasn't talking to you"
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"A dyslexic guy walks into a bra."
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For those of you who don't know, Hellen Keller was a deaf, dumb, and blind girl.
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? Rearrange the furniture and leave a plunger in the toilet.
Why did Hellen Keller quit the debate team? Her hands got tired of all the yelling.
What was Hellen Keller's dog named? Arraghrd!
Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was Arraghrd!
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
How many whores does it take to change a lightbulb? Who cares. They fuck in the dark, too.
Confucius say "Woman who sit on judges lap get honorable discharge"
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how do you get a jewish girl's number ?
roll up her sleeve
whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable ?
the chair
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of bowling balls ?
you can't move a pile of bowling balls with a pitchfork / there's not a pile of bowling balls in my garage
they say there's safety in numbers..tell that to 6 million jews
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At least keep some spam off the front page:
What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
half a cat, you asshole.
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It's not rape if your name is "Stop"
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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only took one nail to hang the picture up.
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i want to just start of with saying, u r all as funny as a burning orphanage ;D
honestly guys u call these jokes, iv seen better lines made up from a dyselxic coke addict... ??? i think even David Blunkett has seen the half of them before, well, emmmmm when i say "seen them" i might be exagerating as hes as blind as the catholic church is to fucking kids... just recently the pope was asked "whats a hindu"? to which he replied "lay eggs", now thats grooming at the extreme... :o
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It's not rape if your name is "Stop"
winner !
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So a guy is late for work. he gets up and races off. Definitely going about 75 in a 45mph zone he crosses over a bridge. Sure enough a cop pulls him over. The cop gives the guy the regular speech and they guy explains he is late and has to get to work. Cop writes the guy a ticket and lets him on his way.
The guys gets to work and continues on his way. Suddenly he gets a phone call from his wife she is going into labor. he gets up and races home. Just like before he is cruising at about 75mph and reaches that same bridge. what do you know? Sure enough the SAME police officer pulls him over.
The cop casually walks up to the cars and asks says " Well Mr Smith where you going that you have to be speeding all over the place"
The man replies " well you see i am a rectum stretcher"
The cop replies " A Rectum stretcher!?! what is that ?"
The man replies : "well i take this device and i stick it up into people's assholes and i stretch em out to about 6 feet"
the cop replies : "What would anybody do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
the man replies: IDK give him a radar gun and put him at the end of a bridge"
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It's not rape if your name is "Stop"
winner !
It's not rape if you yell "Surprise!"
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An Irish guy walks out of a bar...
....
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Retaking the first page! Sorry for spam.
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This is funny and true at the same time!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
love george carlin...
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My wife and I were watching our wedding video.
She said, "Oh god, I hate the sound of my own voice."
I replied, "Then why do you never shut the fuck up?!"
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I took my girlfriend out on a Cinderella date the other night. Do y'all know what a Cinderella date is?
It's where your girlfriend sucks and fucks you until midnight and then turns into a six-pack and a box of pizza.
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What went though John Smith's head as he stood on the 98th floor of the WTC?
The 99th floor
9/11 jokes are just plane wrong
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This thread made me sign up as a forum user.
This is the worst joke I know - if you can call it a joke...
What does it tell you when you find a dead woman, lying on the ground, with no arms and no legs and sperm coming out of her mouth and vagina?
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The floor is level.
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What went though John Smith's head as he stood on the 98th floor of the WTC?
The 99th floor
9/11 jokes are just plane wrong
Everytime I hear them I just crumble down
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I was at the local swimming centre when I saw a couple having sex in the pool.
I walked over to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"
He said, "I might have a wank if you fuck off."
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What do you call a plastic noodle?
AN IMPASTA!!
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Not _that_ good, but oh so sweet in a way;
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs: ” Your badge. Show him your BADGE !”
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i used this one at work to piss the guys off.it goes like this...john do you have any mexican in you? john looks confused no i dont,then i say do you want some?they walk away shaking head mad.
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Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A stick :-\
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When someone is telling a bunch of black jokes there are two options #1. HEY!, I have a black person in my family tree....I think hes still hanging there or #2. What do you call a black person that flies a plane?....A PILOT YOU FUCKING RACIST. Capitalized words need to be said in a loud/offended voice
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a lemonade
Barman : Lemonade?! That's not like you. what's wrong?
Guy : Last night I drank 12 pints, about 6 large vodkas and a bottle of wine. When I finally got home I blew chunks.
Barman : Feeling a bit rough eh? That's no wonder, anybody would blow chunks after drinking that much.
Guy : You don't understand. Chunks is the name of my dog!
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Ok, Here's some nasty ones, but remember, it's just a joke!
What do locking your keys in your car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?
Both situations can be easily resolved with a coat hanger
What do you call a fag in a wheel chair?
Rolaids
Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and Acne?
Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's 13
What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing...you already told her twice
What's white and fourteen inches long?
Nothing
What is long and hard on a black man?
First Grade
Ok, ok. That's enough. Hopefully somebody laughed and nobody took it too serious 8)
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This is all good fun, no one take this too seriously please!
Here we go:
What do you say when you see a TV floating in the middle of the night?
DROP IT, NIGGA!
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A nigger and 2 northmen are in a hot sauna. Then all of the sudden the nigger starts taking a shit in the sauna. Then one north-man says: "Oh look, the nigger is melting!"
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Two dicks are walking around the city, when one tells the other: "Oh dude let's go see a porno!". The other replies: "Nah, I cba standing up the whole time, again..."
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and this one is just a copy-paste, but this one is just too damn funny, lol.
Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Im not racist but, what do you call the Flintstones if they were black?.....Niggers
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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire??
-See you next month. :o
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offensive ?
why did Auschwitz showers had 11 holes ?
Because Jews had only ten fingers.
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Damn the last 2 were good... dirty and offensive ... just what a good joke is all about ahahaha
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Q: whats the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
A: the tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it
Q: what do you call a dead nigger in a field?
A: broken down farm equipment
Q: how many jews can you fit in a volkswagon?
A: 2 in the front 3 in the back and 10,000 in the ashtray
Q: why do midgets laugh when they run?
A: cuz the grass tickles their nuts
Q: what the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: the pizza doesn't scream when you push it in the oven
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Whats black, has 8 legs and makes women scream? gangrape
Whats the best thing about twenty-six year olds? Theres twenty of them...
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LMFAO!
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Dad: son do you have any naked pictures of your girlfriend? Son:no. Dad:do you want some??
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Oldies but goodies:
What do you call it when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles play tennis? Endless Love.
Speaking of, has anyone seen Stevie Wonder's new album? Neither has he.
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One more.
Why did Mark David Chapman shoot John Lennon? Yoko ducked.
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Got some quality shit in here, aha. Here goes nothing:
What do you a call a bear in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Anyone who can run, jump or swim is over here (USA)
What's the difference between a bench and a mexican?
A bench can support a family of four
Black preist?
Holy Shit!
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Why do women have their anus and vagina so close ?
So you can carry them like a 6-pack.
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i got a few that fit worst and most offensive. Disclaimer, translated from dutch i'm drunk and got no clue how they sound in english :
-Its the colour yellow and you can jump on it?
-A chick...
meh sounds pretty lame, take 2!
-Whats the difference between a dumpster full of sand and a dumpster full of jews?
-You cant unload sand with a pitchfork...
disclaimer: i'm no racist but you asked for offensive ;-)
As a final joke i'm going with the mandatory dumb blonde joke :
-How can you tell a dumb blund is having a real bad at the office?
-She's got a tampon stuck behind her ear and keeps asking everyone "If they've seen her pencil anywhere"
grtz,
sam
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Q: What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of drugs?
A: This band sounds like shit.
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Q: Did you hear the one about the gay pope?
A: He couldn't decide if Jesus was divine or simply fantastic.
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Whats better than 27-year-olds?
20 7-year-olds.
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man goes into to tattoo parlor,i want a 100 bill tattooed on my dick.tatoo artsist why??
3 reasons
i like to hold my money
also watch it grow
and my wife likes to blow a hundred every now and then