Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: tedrux on June 21, 2013, 07:43 am
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I am a stalker. for the past 3 years. i got her attention initially with flirting then moved to suicide threats and tried to be a real friend but ended up more often then not (not always, we did have good times) but more often then not talking about my problems and trying to fix me. i just want to be her friend. she couldn't take my shit and shouldn't have to. ive been asking and begging for another chance, trying to get her to say how I need to change. Ive been seeing a counsler for the three years trying to get her to participate in recovery. I really really want to be her friend , maybe more but maybe not. i have a lot of sexual hang ups. and she has a fiance and maybe therapy will teach me to truly respect that. Ive done a lot of really bad tings to women. should I kill myself? is there any chance L will come back to me if I can show her I AM better (though I am not yet, but were I to become so ) . have you ever had a stalker and could you forgive them and be friends again if you saw they really really changed? can you hate me for being in pain and longing for her? hasn't she too then wronged me? when she broke her promise to always be there and never lie to me. ? someone please, literally, im not kidding, come shoot me in the brainstem with a shotgun? ...
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Stop being weird
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Stop being weird
^^this. you remind me of my cousin. attention seeking muppet ::) another one for my ignore list actually. it's getting quite populated of late...
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Stop being weird
^^this. you remind me of my cousin. attention seeking muppet ::) another one for my ignore list actually. it's getting quite populated of late...
so if you want to ignore me thats the same as you dont want me to exist within your reality which is the same as saying you want me gone which gone and dead are the same effect. so your saying I should kill myself. I think so too, but my reasoning is apparently flawed so I wanted to get a second opinion
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Yes plz
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tedruxxxx :o
i think you can recover from this. but you don't want to mess with this chick anymore though. she has been a source of too much pain for you and i think to get better you need to get her out of your head. BUT WTF do i know? nada.
well... i have been able to get to know you a little bit in PMs over the last few (6???) months and you are totally fucked up and all but i *know* there is good stuff in you :) normally i would say boyfriends/fiances/husbands etc are just speedbumps but i don't think that's the case with this girl. i think you already fucked it up. leave her alone. get over it. go out with somebody else.
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What's your autism quotient? http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=158465
You sound weird as fuck!
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What's your autism quotient? http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=158465
You sound weird as fuck!
I <3 weird
I got a 9... took it weeks ago.
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What's your autism quotient? http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=158465
You sound weird as fuck!
I <3 weird
I got a 9... took it weeks ago.
Hey lil momma :-* I was talking to OP ;)
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no body wants to be with me. no body really wants me around. the world wont say 'go kill yourself' but it will say ' i don't want you' 'go away' your fucked up and weird' , it will also not say anything no mater how much you beg. being gone is the same as being dead. right now you dont know if your loved ones breath because they aren't right there and things happen. the world wants me too kill myself but they don't dare say it. and trashbox your wiser then you know. there is no one for me to date and i dont want to let go of wanting to be her friend because I am very attached to her. shes like family to me, albeit family that disowned me. it doesn't just go away for any reason. i can stop writing her. i will stop writing her. but i cant stop wanting.....i should clarify we never went out or spoke in person . that seems to be important to people who wish to minimalize what she meant to me.
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i just thought - is the OP the latest incarnation of moonbear? if it is MAN you've gone downhill. still fulla shit but you never used to be such a miserable bastard
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I have 2 accnts. tedrux and tedrux1. tedrux1 is because i forgot my password for a while then i eventually remembered it. im not there trolling. im here talking about my real actual life. i can prove it but you shouldn't be pushing me to reveal my real identity.
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the only thing i'm pushing is for you to cheer up a bit - you really think someones 'real' identity is fucking 'moonbear'?? he was another spinner on here, but at least the fucker made us laugh with his stories of trying to plug a spliff which didn't work so he smoked it
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw0YNazyFdk&list=PLa-VI_fKeHD1BQ4Aj6f1QkDDLn4RSDuN7&index=2
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Hey lil momma :-* I was talking to OP ;)
omg, there is this mickey avalon song that I LOVE and he says "shake it lil momma, i know you want to do the jane fonda". my man jackyyyy :-* :-*
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What's your autism quotient? http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=158465
You sound weird as fuck!
Heh, good one, I had missed it before. I scored 30 so i guess I'm sort of borderline, something which I agree to, and probably most of the ppl who know me would agree too ::)
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Stop playing the victim and autocommiserating yourself. Learn who you really are and don't try to be something/someone you are not. Accepting who you really are (with all your defects, bad traits etc.) is a terrorizing prospect (the majority of people would do anything to not do it) but it's the only way on which you can be begin to really free yourself from "who you think you are" and "what others want you to be/think you are". This freedom will give you the possibility to become a master of yourself instead of a slave.
To start doing it begin by recapitulating your life, going backwards. Take an hour a day and begin going back from the present day to the time you were born, in little steps. At beginning the memories will be obfuscated and you will not able to recollect details even of very recent happenings, but by and by your power of remembering will grow to very strong levels and you will be able to recall things your conscious mind completely forgot. Act in there as an observer, not judging in any way, simply watch and immerse yourself on what happened, as you would be if the memories you are watching are those of another one. It will probably take a lot of time to do this, but if you do it I assure you that after you have finished you will really know why you act in certain ways (the why is very important; I can assure you that in almost 90% of the cases the cause is external) plus something really strange will happen.
When you will come to the memories of your first years of life that the majority of people forgot (as when you are 4/5 years old or less) you will begin to remember who you REALLY are by and by (even images of the world seen by you at that age will come, and that would be really interesting to see), without the external conditioning (even by your thoughts) and this knowledge will return to yourself. In little words this process will dismember you to then reunite you, only that you will be no more X, but something like X + 1; a part of yourself that you did completely forget (that is the real YOU) will return and then you will finally know who you are without all the external polluting and this will give you an understanding on many things (until you don't know the cause of something how can you change the effect?). At that time you will know what it really feels to be free and then you will have pain no more (the pain, as I said you, comes from the thought that most of the times it is an external imposition. You - and most people - are literally living with about 500 kg of burden on your shoulders coming from external thoughts and expectations; it is not difficult for me to understand why you are so heavy).
There are many other ways to do the same but this is one of the easiest to do. It just take a little of time. It works like an age regression hypnotic session, only you do it by yourself. If you really want to change for the better, stop thinking and ACT.
P.S: As for your problems with girls etc. - this world is a theater; stop taking yourself too seriously and dare, throw yourself in the middle. You are just an actor in a comedy, don't turn it into a tragedy just because of your heaviness.
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thanks for the consideration and time it took to write that
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It didn't take much time.
Your "problem" is one that the majority of people have, it is just that you are probably more intelligent so you acknowledge it instead of not caring. But if instead of understanding why you have this problem and fight against it you escape, nothing will really change.
Assuming there's nothing after death you have just lost an opportunity to live your life to the full without external impositions. If there is a reincarnation (or similar) you will just have to face again that same problem until you don't pass it. If there is an heaven and hell in the biblical terms... well, that's too much an idiocy even to consider so let's leave it at that.
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i want her to be proud of who I am. I want her to teach me to be better. she is my fucking idle.
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Your "problem" is one that the majority of people have, it is just that you are probably more intelligent so you acknowledge it instead of not caring.
what's 'intelligent' about making yourself paranoid and depressed?
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there are more types of intelligence then emotional intelligence. L called me smart, so I know I am smart but she allso called me a dumb ass so I know I am that too.
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yes - we're all clever on certain things and naive/ignorant/stupid on others, i just don't know why beating yourself up about shit would be classed as intelligent. that's why i'm asking. i could understand if you (the universal 'you', not you personally) were actually doing something about the 'nobody likes me' thing, but pissing and moaning about it? where is the intelligence in that?
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what is there to do?
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what's 'intelligent' about making yourself paranoid and depressed?
That's just a reaction, and reactions may wary (and can turn you either into a complete fool; same as it can happen when you first rebel to something). The "intelligent" part is on understanding that there is a problem in this life in its "normal" state; when you acknowledge it you start to understand the "sadness of life" (as Buddha called it, that doesn't mean that life in itself is sad, all the contrary in fact, it just means that the life the majority of humans are forced to live is, indeed, a sad one: you don't know why in the hell you are here nor where to go nor what you are supposed to be nor what either the motive is to continue living since all is futile in the end, and so on and so forth - all of this comes from the fact that you don't know your Self and you are imposed to live a life that's not yours, this in turns brings you a burden that doesn't make you see life for what it really is, but just with the filter you are forced to look at it) and this can bring with itself various reactions.
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righto, gotcha
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i want her to be proud of who I am. I want her to teach me to be better. she is my fucking idle.
You don't understand. This is exactly what has bring you problems till now, don't you get it? People telling you from since you are born what you are and what you should do etc. etc. till the point that now you wear a mask to yourself and you don't either understand it.
Her "teaching you to be better" is just a way to turn you into what she would like you to be, but that's really you? Remember this: it could either work for a while, but a puppet is an amusement just for a little while, and after - without the master pulling the strings - the puppet is without life.
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deep man . lol truth is I think I idealize what would happen in terms of how I wish things were but if I got what I asked for it wouldn't be what I wanted. I probably never knew her well. and I don't want her to be dragged down by me , at one point I even told her to leave me alone (before she decided to take that defense and I tried to pursuade her otherwise). I remember always wanting to be center of attention ever since pre school and before school. i remember my first dreams were of NES games. I remember I love stories because mom used to read to me. I went through a period of 'hyper internalization/hyper reflection' duriong the period I was working with L. thats part of why I was so bent on it having to be her. because she made me see myself. she made me care. she started to get me to try to congize all the fucked up ness in me and the contradictions. mostly I wish I could go back and be just friends. but seeing her in a happy relationship really made me feel shitty. i know I should have felt happy for her but I guess I didn't relate to her as well as I thought- I didn't think 'that could be me' and maybe I'm still missing the point because maybe 'good for her' doesn't have to mean ' that could be me' but instead just 'good for her' . i have once or twice been happy she has found some one.i have once or twice or four times been panicked thinking about what it felt like to be chased by a guy with a knife screaming 'i love you' as he stabs you over and over and then seeing it third person and realizing i was holding the metaphorical knife. why cant I revisit those feelings with that thought? why cant I not be able to talk to her because that feeling floods me every time I try? what stops me from empathy and humanity? is it not fixable?
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P.S: As for your problems with girls etc. - this world is a theater; stop taking yourself too seriously and dare, throw yourself in the middle. You are just an actor in a comedy, don't turn it into a tragedy just because of your heaviness.
this is awesome advice 8) probably dangerous... but awesome :)
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idk if you can imagine but its like im asleep and once in a great while i wake up for a few seconds and feel really bad and mortified at my actions and just sympathetic towards her.....i dont want to be me. examining all my relationships I piss and moan and guilt trip and no one should have to deal with theat. she deserves so much better.
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shes not even that hot, i mean i fucked her in the ass and pussy. just find a new girl. lower your standards.
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lovely. an lol or smiley face might help me understand your joking....I do get paranoid. I'm not lowering my standards when I should be upping my standing. and who cares how 'hot' she is. she's just a beautiful person and I'd really love her to want anything to do with me. but i fucked up. beyond all chances of redemption , I guess. but I ....if I were who she hoped i could be some day....then cant she try real hard to let the past be the past and see that new me for the present? but hell, every body changes so maybe she isn't the same girl. and maybe I never saw her but only what I embued her with. point is I still feel shitty and like I'm broken and I wish I could function differently.
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yes, i was joking but seriously, move on. shes not the one for you.
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Hey lil momma :-* I was talking to OP ;)
omg, there is this mickey avalon song that I LOVE and he says "shake it lil momma, i know you want to do the jane fonda". my man jackyyyy :-* :-*
+1 for Mickey.
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Hey lil momma :-* I was talking to OP ;)
omg, there is this mickey avalon song that I LOVE and he says "shake it lil momma, i know you want to do the jane fonda". my man jackyyyy :-* :-*
+1 for Mickey.
back atcha :-* my dick rumble in the jungle, YO dick got touched by your uncle :P
PS: we got dicks like jesus.
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there is no one for me and never likely will be because my psyche is ten kinds of twisted. its not her, its me. but i do need to move on, im not saying i dont. she clearly stated what she wants. I must oblige but then I start to think " I know what you really want. you want a MAN with BALLS and NO man with balls lets a bitch tell him what to do; so I should write back , call you a slut and tell you to shut your cock sucker cause I want you to want me and maybe you need to feel dominated (knowing a little about her I think it is so) . but then I think , 'well , she doesn't want that from me....for some nonesensical reason if it comes from me im a scary creepy freak but from her fiance, he's getting her wet and winning respect. its like that scene in green lantern where ryan renold character (was it hal? not sure lol) tells the villian that he can start over and be just like the hero and have the girls love and then when GL has the ring back he says 'I lied' and fucks up the villians day. its like, the moral lesson is good guys are good guys inherently and Im a creep inherently and cant become healed or better. "you can polish a turd" . another good example is the movie "last man on earth" and the way that ends with the protaganist getting his ass beat and thrown out of his own home by tall tanned dumb as a box of rox cowboy that this woman, formerly protaganists girl friend/wife, falls in love with. its like i was coded genetically wrong and suicide is the only way to cut my loses.
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Hey lil momma :-* I was talking to OP ;)
omg, there is this mickey avalon song that I LOVE and he says "shake it lil momma, i know you want to do the jane fonda". my man jackyyyy :-* :-*
+1 for Mickey.
back atcha :-* my dick rumble in the jungle, YO dick got touched by your uncle :P
PS: we got dicks like jesus.
oh god :) I love you TB-MmmmmmWA <3
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Hey man. It sounds like you need to move on.
I got caught up on a girl once. Things were completely over between us and it took me 3 fucking years to get over it. 3 years of moping and wasted opportunities.
There are many many fish in the sea. Go fuck one of them. I promise it will make you feel better. Are you fat, ugly, slow or stupid? Who cares! Make an Adult Friend Finder account; someone there will have sex with you. Or fuck a hooker. Does this all sound dirty? or it just wouldn't feel right to you? Take a Viagra and go fucking do it, you'll be better for it (just make sure you wrap it up ;) ) And then go do it again.
You sort of sound like Jim Carey's character from Dumb and Dumber. Time to move past that man.
Anyways, good luck man. I don't mean to sound like a scathing asshole, but I think it's clear it's time to move on and man up. Peace.
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I think I deserve to feel like shit and a 'womb'-man doesn't want to be 'impregnated'/posessed by self loathing. but the more she distances herself the more I feel I dont deserve to feel good and the more I feel I NEED her to show me the way. aw fuck it. hey man, Im trying. I got AFF but no hits yet. also there isn't another moby dick for my ishmeal.
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there is no one for me and never likely will be because my psyche is ten kinds of twisted. its not her, its me. but i do need to move on, im not saying i dont. she clearly stated what she wants. I must oblige but then I start to think " I know what you really want. you want a MAN with BALLS and NO man with balls lets a bitch tell him what to do; so I should write back , call you a slut and tell you to shut your cock sucker cause I want you to want me and maybe you need to feel dominated (knowing a little about her I think it is so) . but then I think , 'well , she doesn't want that from me....for some nonesensical reason if it comes from me im a scary creepy freak but from her fiance, he's getting her wet and winning respect. its like that scene in green lantern where ryan renold character (was it hal? not sure lol) tells the villian that he can start over and be just like the hero and have the girls love and then when GL has the ring back he says 'I lied' and fucks up the villians day. its like, the moral lesson is good guys are good guys inherently and Im a creep inherently and cant become healed or better. "you can polish a turd" . another good example is the movie "last man on earth" and the way that ends with the protaganist getting his ass beat and thrown out of his own home by tall tanned dumb as a box of rox cowboy that this woman, formerly protaganists girl friend/wife, falls in love with. its like i was coded genetically wrong and suicide is the only way to cut my loses.
IMO, you're thinking too hard man. You are who you are. Once you can accept that, you can move on.
I'm a sick twisted fucked up perverted fucker, but that's who I am and I accept it. Sure, it might make getting into relationships tough/weird, and it's given me self confidence issues in the past, but once you can accept that and integrate it into who you are it doesn't matter.
Also, work out, everyday if you can. It might hurt at first, but it will do wonders for you're self image/confidence.
I think I deserve to feel like shit and a 'womb'-man doesn't want to be 'impregnated'/posessed by self loathing. but the more she distances herself the more I feel I dont deserve to feel good and the more I feel I NEED her to show me the way. aw fuck it. hey man, Im trying. I got AFF but no hits yet. also there isn't another moby dick for my ishmeal.
IMO forget her. Delete her contact info, de-friend on any social networks, hell, move to the other side of the world if you're that stuck on a woman that wants nothing to do with you. Meet lots of new interesting women who don't already think you're a total creep. Fuck as many as you can to build some confidence. Maybe you have no social skills and it scares women away. Eventually you'll meet one or more that you won't have that problem with and they can get to know who you really are behind your awkwardness/creepiness or whatever your problem may be.
ALSO: Have fun on AFF ;)