Silk Road forums
Discussion => Newbie discussion => Topic started by: TrippingWithScience on April 20, 2013, 08:35 pm
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As a seller, it's important for me to be able to post... but I've got to knock out 50 of these before I can post in the forums where I'm needed
So...
Let's at least make this thread interesting. Post a dirty joke.
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When I asked your grandmother if she ever tried 69 she said, "No! I did 53 once, but that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.
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Cheerleaders get so embarrassed when they do the splits and 8 class rings fall out.
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Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Mmmfggkk!
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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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An orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand.
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Q What does a man after an orgasm have in common with the girl he's on top of?
A. They both want to get off.
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This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "I know, I'm really tight".
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Your sister's favourite food is twinkies because they are pumped full of cream.
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Q Why did the basketball player fall in love with the short cheerleader?
A. He was nuts over her.
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
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A conference speaker asks how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. He then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After He polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. He noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!"
The speaker asks, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?"
The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.
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Boy meets girl (the cliche type romance) She said she had a sheep farm The boy said "Wow great!" The girl told the boy to come over. So when he gets there, noone answered the door. So he looked around back and saw the sheep and there she was with the sheep getting fucked. He couldn’t beleive it then this little girl came to the front door. She said "Can I help you?". He said "Yes is Karen here?" And she replied "Yes she is out back with the sheep." He said "Who are you?" She replied "I am Carrie her daughter." He said "She is fucking a sheep dosen’t that bother you?" The little girl replied "Naaaaaaaaaah!!!!"
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How do you know when a woman gets off???
Who cares.....
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Q: What's the job application to Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
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It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the internet.
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Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
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Woman comes home from Dr. office and says, "Honey the doctor said I couldn't have sex for 2 weeks."
To which the husband replies,"Well what did your dentist say?"
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I was in math class and my teacher asked "what comes after 69?" Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer.
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A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before. The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That’s easy ... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He pulled out his handcuffs and used his night stick on me." The third one said I had a farmer last night and the other two said "A farmer are you sure?" and she said "Yes, first he bitched it was too wet, then too dry and then he wanted to wait until spring to pay me."
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A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink and sees a beautiful blonde girl across the way making eyes at him. He goes over and says, "Excuse me, miss, may I buy you a drink?" "Sure," she says, "have a seat." The man sits down and they get to talking. "You know," the man says, "This is kind of a funny subject, but my wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed." "REALLY!" the girl says, "My boyfriend just left me because I was too kinky. Do you want to go back to my placae and get a little kinky?" So they finish their drinks and leave. When they get to the girls house, she says, "Wait here I’m going to slip into something a little more kinky." She comes out from her room wearing a leather teddy, with a whip in one hand and handcuffs in the other, but the guy is grabbing his coat and heading for the door. She says, "Wait a minute, I thought we were going to get kinky!" He says, "Jesus, lady I already shit in your purse and fucked your dog. What more do you want me to do?"
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There once was a magical genie in a forest in montana, there was this fat guy walking from the forest after making his wish, later the next day he showed up at work with a 8 inch tall piano player. His friend asked him where did he get the little man from.he replied,’’there is this magical forest down past 5th street’’,but when you make your wish you have to speak very slowly.his friend asked,’’why do i have to talk so slowly?’’,the dude replies,’’do you really think i would really think i wanted a 8-inch pianist to please my wife??!!
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There once was a magical genie in a forest in montana, there was this fat guy walking from the forest after making his wish, later the next day he showed up at work with a 8 inch tall piano player. His friend asked him where did he get the little man from.he replied,’’there is this magical forest down past 5th street’’,but when you make your wish you have to speak very slowly.his friend asked,’’why do i have to talk so slowly?’’,the dude replies,’’do you really think i would really think i wanted a 8-inch pianist to please my wife??!!
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Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
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Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopus
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What's the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the remote control between his toes.
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Normal chickens say cock-a-doodle-doo. Wierd chickens say doodle-cock-a-doo. A slutty chicken says any-cock-will-do.
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A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
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I've just joined the forum here (been on SR for a little while) and posting jokes seems to be an efficient way to get to 50! so here we go..
(Q) Why did the wife cross the road?
(A) Who gives a fuck... Why was she out of the kitchen???
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(Q) What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?
(A) A really sore poodle!
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What's the best thing about having sex with twenty seven year olds?
There are twenty of them!
(Before you get your panties in a bunch, no I am not into CP.)
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Some say tears are the best lubricant. Actually it is blood. (As long as it doesn't clot).
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A young boy runs up to his grandfather and says "grandad can show me some magic tricks?"
The grandfather replies "I dont really know any magic tricks"
The boy insists and says "please granddad please!"
The grandfather then says " well i do know one.. turn around and pull your pants down"
The boy is a bit stunned but does so because he wants to learn some magic..
The grandfather then says " do you feel my finger in your ass hole"
The boy say's "yeah i do"
The grandfather then say's "look.. magic.. no hands!"
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(Q) What do you say to a woman that has two black eyes?
(A) Nothing.. She;s already been told twice!
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Two Aussie's are on holiday in New Zealand when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere..
One of them spots a bloke raping a sheep that is stuck in a fence and says to the other "watch this mate"
The Aussie walks up to the Kiwi raping the sheep and say's "you know back home we only sheer them!"
The Kiwi then say's "yeah? well u can fuck off and find ur own mate cus i ain't share'n this one with ya!"
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
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A horse goes into a bar and the bartender say's "why the long face?"
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A Chinese couple is laying in bed...
The wife says, "Honey, I want a 69.."
The husband sits up and says, "You want a beef-broccoli now?!"
First post. Bam.
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I used to be ashamed of my 3 inch dick.. But then i found out that some chicks like em that wide 8)
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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17
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
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A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
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(Q) Why did the toad cross the road?
(A) To see his flat mate!
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
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There's this crazy old guy at a retirement home... He would always walk up to the female residents and say,
"Super sex! Super sex!" as he would open his bathrobe and flash them. Most of the women that lived in the retirement home were used to his harmless antics...
One day a new woman moved into the home. The old man walked up to her, flashed her, and said,
"Super sex! Super sex!"
The woman looked him up and down, thought for a moment, then said,
"I'll have the soup."
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."
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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around
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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
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A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
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One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?
It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."
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A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
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(Q) Why do women get their period?
(A) Because they deserve it!
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(Q) How do you fit 1000 fat cows into a barn?
(A) Put a bingo sign out front!
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Little jimmy went to the red light district to get a hooker holding a dead frog. He told the pimp "I want a hooker with herpes". The pimp, surprised as one would be, asked why little jimmy specifically wanted a hooker with herpes, and little jimmy answered.
"You see, when I get home my babysitter will have sex with me and get herpes, then when he drives the babysitter home she he will pay her with sex. Then when father gets home he will have sex with my mother, which will give her herpes and then when he leaves for work she will fuck the mail man as usual, and that fucker ran over my frog!"
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(Q) How do you make a hormone?
(A) Refuse to pay her!
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Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
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(Q) How do you make a hormone?
(A) Refuse to pay her!
I don't recommend that for secret service agents. :)
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There was a fish in a stream, watch a fly over head, he fish thought
"If that fly drops 6 inches I'll be able to jump up, catch him, and have myself a good meal."
Onshore this bear was watching the fly, he thought
"If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up eat the fly and I'll be able to jump out, catch him, and have myself a good meal."
Across the river a hunt was watching the bear, he thought
"If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up eat the fly the bear will jump out to eat the fish and I can shoot the bear to have myself a good meal"
Behind the hunter a mouse was watching, he thought
"If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up eat the fly the bear will jump out to eat the fish the hunter will shot the bear and I can steal that piece of cheese in the hunters pocket and have myself a good meal."
In a tree behind the mouse a cat was watching and thought
"If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will jump up eat the fly the bear will jump out to eat the fish the hunter will shot the bear the mouse will get the cheese and I can jump down to eat the mouse and have myself a good meal
SO the fly drop's the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish the hunter shoots the bear the mouse gets the cheese and the cat falls in the water.
Moral is "Whenever a fly drops a pussy gets wet!"
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A bloke goes into a bar and there's a new stunning barmaid that's just started working there.
The bloke has a few beers while chatting her up and decides to try his luck..
He says to the bar made "I bet you $200 that I can fuck you without you even feeling it"
The barmaid thinks for a minute and decides to take the bet..
They go back to his place after closing and the bloke says to her "take all your clothes off and lay on the bed with your eyes close and legs spread"
The bar maid complies and after a few seconds the barmaid excitedly say's "i can feel it, i can feel it!
The bloke chuckles a bit and say's "oh well.. you win some you loose some!
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Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
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(Q) How do you make a hormone?
(A) Refuse to pay her!
I don't recommend that for secret service agents. :)
LOL, WTF? Are you implying that I'm an SSA? Because if not I really don't get it? Is it the MIB suit and cuffs etc? Because the cuffs are just for fun sweetness!
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Bob - Hey Bill... If ya missus was yell'n at the front door to get in, and ya dog was barking at the back door to get in... Which one would ya let in?
Bill - I'd let the dog in mate.
Bob - Aww ok.. Why is that mate...
Bill - Cus at least the dog would shut the fuck up once I let the cunt in!
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Did you hear about the new McJackson burger?
Its a 50 year old piece of meat between two ten year old buns!
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what do you call a head that looks like a penis? a dick head
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Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!
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My girlfriend is a famous internet porn star... She's gonna be so pissed off when she finds out!
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I am not a racist... Racism is a crime and crime is for black people!
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Last night my daughter finally admitted that she is having lesbian sex with her best friend.. As a reward for her honesty, I bought her a video camera!
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A woman brings eight year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says "lets not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother... "he's taken her fucking appendix out!"
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lolol
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A woman brings little Johnny home and tells his father that he was caught having sex with his teacher.
When the woman leaves, Johnny's father says "Hey son, I wanted to have sex with my teacher when I was your age. I am proud of you. I am so proud that I am going to buy you a new bike." Johnny replies " Thanks dad. Can we please wait on the bike because my butt's still sore."
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I went to see a house earlier with period features... My wife hates it when i call her that!
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I really hope the situation between Korea and the US doesn't turn nuclear...
Australia is way out of range for Korea but I'm fucking certain that a few of America's would land on us!
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You know how you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?
That's why I'm no longer a gynecologist!
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This is my favorite, feel free to bank it.
A man smuggles his pet duck into the cinema, tucked into his trousers. Half way through the film he unzips and the duck pokes its head out for some air. The woman next to him says "That is disgusting" and tuts. He replies with "What's the matter its perfectly natural, haven't you ever seen one of these before?!!"
She says "Well yes, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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Two tampons are going down a road in opposite directions. What do they say to each other as they pass? Nothing. They're both stuck-up c**ts.