Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: type on February 25, 2012, 03:14 am
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i am feeling good due to recent accomplishments and am feeling goofy. i havent been online in awhile and am astonished by the communities lack of intelligence...everyone is shot and i cant believe the scamming is still owning high school boys and the other genius s . God sakes im working on something big that hopefully will get tacked up its a thread on the science of scamming on SR..Its a large essay (im not talking about your Mexican homie btw ) so if we work together we can stop scammers and limit stupidity,,, i am not even typing clean after seeing these posts...im in a public clear web forum that is more hmmm i guess the word is proper. now wonder why its a fucking tornado in here..ban kids CHRIST JUST DO IT i saw kids literally talking about there ages..boss members i hope your in private forums cuz your gunna get a ping pong paddle shoved up your ass when the road is down and these small critcal crucial flaws that easily can be corrected will be fault.
anyways well ill be clean with my joke
Why do chickens not where pants
because his pecker is on his head
long live the road!?.
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Absolutely brilliant.
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America.
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America.
You wanna test a batch of roofies for me?
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says the Canadian..
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What's wrong with Canada? lol
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America.
You wanna test a batch of roofies for me?
Not really into roofs
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lmao nothing i like Canada
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2 Penn State administrators walk into a butt.
Just kidding that's stolen from South Park lol.. :)
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are you kidding me?
i stole my joke from a south park too
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A baby seal walks into a club....
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What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
Prison break.
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The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster than light particles here."
A neutrino walks into a bar
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The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster than light particles here."
A neutrino walks into a bar
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in this bar". The neutrino replies "that's alright, I"m just passing through".
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So I ask my girl if I can fuck her between the tits and she says "well, how are you gonna make that feel good for me?" So I said, right before I cum I'll stop punching you in the face.
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Two guys walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have a glass of h2o" the second says "I'll have a glass of h2o, too"
The second one died.
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a hairlip midget walks into a bar sits down and looks around the bartender says would you like a drink the midget says shure.The bartender comes back with a shot of whiskey and the midget says this is the best dam bar ever nice and clean and pretty god dam this is the best bar ever.After 2 drinks the midget asks where is the washroom the bartender says down stairs.The midget says this is the best dam bar ever.After about 45 minutes the bartender wonders where the midget is and finally threw the door comes the little fella he climbs up to the bar and says this is the worst dam bar in town shit hole slim bag infested run down dive he has ever seen.The bartender says hold on there fella 45 minutes ago this was the best dam bar in town what happened? Well 45 minutes ago I went to throw a piss and in comes this homosexual robber and tells me to suck his dick or he will shoot me (Bartender says well what happened?) midget says you didn't hear any gun shots did you asshole
BigBill6778
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a
gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and
threw it on the ground. I yelled,
'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
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haha! keep em coming
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Once upon a time, there was a cowboy who loved to spend his days off at a bar making conversation with random strangers that happened to show up.
One day, he was sitting there, drinking his beer, when a man in a fancy suit showed up and fired up a little chat, asking the cowboy what he did for a living. When he said he was a cowboy, the stock broker asked what that meant. He answered: "Well, I take care of cattle. In the mornin' I milk the cows, then I set them loose on the fields, and I corral them all in for another milkin' at the end of the day. It's all about the cows. What about you? What're you?"
So the stockbroker replied. "I'm a stockbroker. I buy, I sell, I calculate and try to predict the market. It's all about the numbers."
A few minutes later, a man with long hair and a leather jacket came along and asked the cowboy about his job. "Well, I take care of cattle. In the mornin' I milk the cows, then I set them loose on the fields, and I corral them all in for another milkin' at the end of the day. It's all about the cows. What about you? What're you?"
"Oh, I'm a rock star. I tour the world singing and playing my guitar and rocking out. It's all about the music."
After a while, a very butch woman came along, dressed just like the cowboy, and asked him his business.
"Well, I take care of cattle. In the mornin' I milk the cows, then I set them loose on the fields, and I corral them all in for another milkin' at the end of the day. It's all about the cows. What about you? What're you?"
"I'm a lesbian. When I wake up, I'm thinking about pussy. I eat my breakfast thinking about pussy, then I spend my whole morning thinking about pussy. During lunch, and all through the afternoon, I think about beautiful women and their pussies, and at night I go out on the town to try and score some pussy. It's all about the pussy."
After she was gone, a man in a jumpsuit came along and asked the cowboy what he was.
"Well, I used to think I was a cowboy... but I just found out that I'm actually a lesbian!"
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One night a man comes stumbling out of a bar.
A nearby cop sees this and approaches the man.
"I cant let you out on the streets in such a condition, I'm afraid you'll need to get a cab or have a friend pick you up"
The man responds by arguing with the cop and saying he's perfectly fine.
After this goes on for a few minutes the cop becomes annoyed.
He tells the man that if he can pass a simple test he can be on his way
The man agrees
The officer pulls out his maglite, points it to the sky and turns it on.
He looks at the beam of light and says
"if you can climb this pole I'll let you go home"
The guy looks at it and proclaims
"you must be out of your mind"
The cop figures the dude must not be as drunk as he appears
The man then says
"I'll get halfway up and then you'll turn it off"
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whats the difference between sarah palin's vagina and sarah palin's mouth?
retarded shit comes out of her vagina only some of the time!
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a Dutch boy turns 16 and asks his father for a new car the father looks at the young man and asks (does your dick touch your asshole) the young man says no and the father says well ask me next year.
the young man has his 17th birthday and asks his father for a new car the father looks at him and asks him yet again (does your dick touch your asshole) in reply the young man says No
well the young dutch man figures that if his father is going to ask the same question again this time he will answer with yes it does
the big day arrives and the young man turns 18 he looks at his father and asks Can I have a new car (father looks at the young man and asks does your dick touch your asshole)
In reply the young man says yes father it does
The father replies to the young man with( GOOD GO FUCK YOURSELF)
BigBill6778
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a Dutch boy turns 16 and asks his father for a new car the father looks at the young man and asks (does your dick touch your asshole) the young man says no and the father says well ask me next year.
the young man has his 17th birthday and asks his father for a new car the father looks at him and asks him yet again (does your dick touch your asshole) in reply the young man says No
well the young dutch man figures that if his father is going to ask the same question again this time he will answer with yes it does
the big day arrives and the young man turns 18 he looks at his father and asks Can I have a new car (father looks at the young man and asks does your dick touch your asshole)
In reply the young man says yes father it does
The father replies to the young man with( GOOD GO FUCK YOURSELF)
BigBill6778
+1 hahaha
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the best big bill hahhaa
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Two friends are on vacation at a Mexican's house. They enter a bar and decide to relax. The first guy orders some whiskey. The second orders a keg of beer. The Mexican orders the same as the first guy. When the second guy passes out, the first guy says "I know I great bar just over the border," and the Mexican responds "We'll have to sneak there though. They safely sneak over a fence into America and stay at the bar for a few hours until they decide to leave. The Mexican starts walking toward a major border crossing and the first guy says "I thought we had to sneak through?". The Mexican replies "They don't care if you're leaving!"
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Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies! :D
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a newfie walks into a bar and sits down
Looks at the bartender and orders 2 shots of whiskey and a beer chaser
bartender says your new here
Newfie says ya first time here looks nice
Bartender asks where you from and the man says newfoundland
Bartender says oh shit!
Bartender says I will be right back he goes and serves another patron and see a argument start between a white man and a black man he interrupts the argument and asks whats the problem The white man says I noticed the black man has no ears and he got pissed off and wants to kick the shit out of me The bartender seperates the to men and goes back to work
newfie yells at the bartender and orders 2 shot and a beer chaser the bartender brings the drinks and asks are you feeling alright the newfie says I feel great
a couple hours go by and the newfie sits in the bar stool swaying back and forth and yells abruptly at the bartender I need 2 more shots and a beer all of a sudden the huge black man appears at the bar and the bartender starts to fear for the safety of the newfie .
the bartender whispers to the newfie do NOT mention anything to the black guy about he has no ears or he will kick the shit out of you.
so the newfie swaying back in forth in the stool starts to stare at the black gentle man
the black man asks WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT
the newfie says I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR CONTACTS
the Black man totally amazed asks HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS WEARING CONTACTS
THE NEWFIE SAYS WELL YOU HAVE NO FUCKING EARS TO HOLD UP GLASSES
BigBill6778
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A duck walks into a bar and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes, I'm sorry." And so the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back and asks for grapes again, and the bartender says 'Like I told you last time sir, we have no grapes here, and we never will; this is a bar after all...'
Next day, the same thing, duck asks for grapes, and the bartender goes 'I'm sorry sir, but you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to have to nail your bill to the counter.'
So, the duck comes back the next day, in the evening, and says 'Got any grapes?"
The bartender sighs.
He reaches down for a hammer and some nails, under the counter. But when he comes up, the duck has a shotgun pointed right at his face
There is a pause.
The bartender starts to cry and says, 'Please ... please don't hurt me, I have three kids.'
The duck's eyes are cold and alien.
He pulls the trigger and the bullets rip into the bartender's shoulder. He screams in agony, writhing on the floor, like a marrionette with its strings pulled at random.
The duck, climbs over the counter, being sure to step on the bartender's wounds to hurt him more.
The bartender's blood is spraying everywhere, and the duck is drenched in it.
The duck opens the fridge behind the counter.
And grapes fall out.
The duck goes fucking insane, yelling, "No grapes?! No grapes, huh?!" He shoots the bartender, again and again in the face.
Just as his wife and children enter the bar.
His wife screams in pain, and his three kids just go pale as fuck.
The duck turns around and starts laughing maniacally.
Then, he shoots them all, before turning the gun on himself.
Thus, ending the joke.
edit: A wizard walks down a street and turns into a super market.
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I think its a work in progress =/
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so a moth walks into a dentists office.
the dentists says "what seems to be the problem?"
the moth says "oh doc, where do i begin? I work long hours at unfair wages for my boss and it seems that neither of us know what i'm doing there anymore. It seems as though the only thing that my boss knows is that he has power over me and that that makes him happy. My daughter was killed in the blizzard last year and i feel as though i no longer love my son. When i look at him, i see the same cowardice that i see when i look at the mirror. Maybe if i wasn't so cowardly i could bring myself some peace by grabbing the shotgun out from under my bed and end this horrible excuse for a life."
the dentist says "moth you seem to be really troubled but why did you come to me? you should be seeing a psychiatrist."
the moth says "the light was on."
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a horse stepped on a grape. It didn't say anything, just let out a little wine....
;D
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A nigger and an apple fall out of a tree, which one hits the ground first?
The apple, the rope stopped the nigger.
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A man travels down to Mexico
While there a vendor approaches him
"Ey, senor, you wanta see somtheen cool"
The man agrees and walks over to he vendors stand
The vendor pulls out a skull and says
"theese here is Pancho Villas skull"
The man is a little skeptical but he ask the vendor for details
"My family was good freinds wit Panco Villa, wheen he was killed we buried heem on some of our land"
The man is exited and he buys the skull for only the equivalent of $200 (USD).
He takes it home and puts it on the mantel
3 years later the same man goes back to the same part of Mexico
The same vendor comes up to him
"Senor, you wanta see someting cool"
He then proceeds to pull a skull out from under his coat
"Theese here is Pancho Villas skull"
The man recognises the vendor and gets angry he exclaims
"That's not Pancho Villas skull, I bought Pancho Villas skull from you 3 years ago, and it's much larger"
The vendor doesnt miss a beat, he responds
"Oh, nono, you see, thees is Pancho Villas skull when he was a much younger man"
(and the Mexican double punchline)
"And de stupid gringo bought eet too"
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A duck walks into a bar and says, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes, I'm sorry." And so the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back and asks for grapes again, and the bartender says 'Like I told you last time sir, we have no grapes here, and we never will; this is a bar after all...'
Next day, the same thing, duck asks for grapes, and the bartender goes 'I'm sorry sir, but you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to have to nail your bill to the counter.'
So, the duck comes back the next day, in the evening, and says 'Got any grapes?"
The bartender sighs.
He reaches down for a hammer and some nails, under the counter. But when he comes up, the duck has a shotgun pointed right at his face
There is a pause.
The bartender starts to cry and says, 'Please ... please don't hurt me, I have three kids.'
The duck's eyes are cold and alien.
He pulls the trigger and the bullets rip into the bartender's shoulder. He screams in agony, writhing on the floor, like a marrionette with its strings pulled at random.
The duck, climbs over the counter, being sure to step on the bartender's wounds to hurt him more.
The bartender's blood is spraying everywhere, and the duck is drenched in it.
The duck opens the fridge behind the counter.
And grapes fall out.
The duck goes fucking insane, yelling, "No grapes?! No grapes, huh?!" He shoots the bartender, again and again in the face.
Just as his wife and children enter the bar.
His wife screams in pain, and his three kids just go pale as fuck.
The duck turns around and starts laughing maniacally.
Then, he shoots them all, before turning the gun on himself.
Thus, ending the joke.
edit: A wizard walks down a street and turns into a super market.
ahahahaha, i havnt laughed that hard in a while!
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My whole life is a joke
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My whole life is a joke
I would seem to agree honestly based on you inability to mitigate bullshit in your life, and an unfathomable desire to broadcast how poor your decision making skills are.
But we are in control of our lives, if we choose to be.
on a less serious note
Guy goes to a doctor's office, and is instructed to move to the table in the exam room. after a short while, the physician enters the room and looks the patient up and down. He notices the man has a slice of pizza rolled up and lodged deep within his nostril. The patient then says, "Doc, I ain't feeling to great."
to which the doctor replied,
"Well, you're not eating properly"
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An old lady goes to the doctor with an unusual complaint.
"Doc, I keep farting all the time. But the really strange thing is that my farts are completely silent and don't smell. For example, I must have farted about twenty times since stepping into your office and you didn't even notice!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills to be taken every morning for two weeks, and she comes back.
"Doc! There must be something wrong with the pills you gave me! My farts didn't stop, and what's worse! They're still silent, but now they smell horrible!"
"Good, it seems we've gotten rid of your sinus problem. Now, to treat your hearing impairment..."
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My whole life is a joke
I would seem to agree honestly based on you inability to mitigate bullshit in your life, and an unfathomable desire to broadcast how poor your decision making skills are.
But we are in control of our lives, if we choose to be
Screw you gramps
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Screw you gramps
Respect your elders, they are wise, maybe you could learn from them.
I've learned many things from people older than myself.
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Screw you gramps
Respect your elders, they are wise, maybe you could learn from them.
I've learned many things from people older than myself.
I was just kidding ;)
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A conservative, an independent, and a liberal walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Hello Mitt!"
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A conservative, an independent, and a liberal walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Hello Mitt!"
Love it
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A conservative, an independent, and a liberal walk into a bar, and the bartender says "Hello Mitt!"
I loved this one so much.
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What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
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What do Fat Chicks & Mopeds Have In Common
answer: They Are Both Fun To Ride Till Your Friends Catch You On One
BigBill6778
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Moonbear walked into a bar
Everyone said, "GET OUT!" >:(
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Moonbear walked into a bar
Everyone said, "GET OUT!" >:(
where's the made-up part? >:D
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Joe goes to finally see the doctor about the headaches he has been having since highschool
"its the worse pain imaginable. i cant do anything" joe tells the doc.
after some test the doctor tells joe "you have a rare condition which presses your testicles right up against the base of your spine that has been causing your headaches. I recommend castration"
Joe thinks a while and decides to do it, having been in pain for years it seems a worthwhile trade for peace
The day after the operation Joe wakes up and find his headaches have stopped.
yet he feels like he is missing something.
to cheer himself up he goes for a walk. passing the tailor shop he decides a new suit would cheer him up.
As he walks in the tailor walks up to him smiling he says "Need a new suit. looks like you're about a 42 long in the jacket"
"Thats amazing how did you know" joe replies
"ive been doing this a long time." says the tailor "and lets see a size 8 shirt? and looks like some size 12 shoes"
"outstanding how did you know?"
"well ive been doing this a long time." "as for the under pants what are you a 36"
"ha" says joe "that one your wrong im a size 34 have been since high school"
"oh no" the tailor says "you cant wear size 34 under pants why if you did it would press your testicles up against your spine giving you one hell of a headache"
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Pickup line - to girl: Sit on my face, and I'll eat my way to your heart
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Q: What do you call a buck with no eyes?
A: No idea
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What do you call a mexican on a riding lawnmower?
Promoted.
What do you call a Mexican game of basketball?
Jaun on Jaun
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something to upset everyone...
Whats 8 foot long and wrapped round a cunt?
a turban
Studies have shown 4 in 10 black people will eventually turn to drugs and crime. just like the other 6...
down the bar the other night i asked my welsh pal Taffy how many sexual partners he's had. he started counting them.... then fell asleep
an Irishman applied for a job as a blacksmith. he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses. he said 'no but i once told a donkey to fuck off'
Teacher says to Johnny 'Wheres Pakistan'
Johnny says 'Out in the playground, playing with PakiPaul'
In equal opportunities seminar at work today, i was asked where i stood on racism.
apparently 'with the whites' is not an appropriate response.
Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of 4 well known Scouse Islamic terrorists: Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Theivin. there was no sign of Bin Workin
Ranjeet was trying to enter the USA legally. the immigration office said 'you have to pass a test to enter, make a sentence using the words green pink and yellow'
Ranjeet says 'the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN' so i PINK it up and say YELLOW. he now works in a call centre.
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BEST PICK-UP LINE EVER
Hi, I'm an astronaut. My next mission is to explore Uranus.
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so the lesbians that live nest store bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
they misinterpreted me when i said i just wanna watch.
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What do Jewish women and tampons have in common?
Both are stuck up cunts.
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top ten worst puns:
10. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
9. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.
8. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
6. Patient: “I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doctor: “It’s Not Unusual.”
5. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you”, says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
3. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
1. And finally, there was a person who sent 10 different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least 1 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.