Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: janola022 on December 11, 2011, 03:29 am
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Hi guys,
I used coke for the first time about three months ago. I was suffering from clinical depression and battling an eating disorder. Sure enough as I suspected, it was the quick fix I was looking for. When I would be tempted to binge eat, the smallest line would help the feeling pass. I guess you could say I turned to drugs to help self medicate.
So, my question is... How did it start with you? Does anyone else on here suffer from depression and or disordered eating? If so, how does your drug use help/hurt your effort to recover.
Also, how does your recreational drug use affect your daily life? I don't want to find myself in 4 years wishing I never started something. Any tips on being a responsible user?
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You seem to be getting a few things muxed ip.
In the same breath you are talking about recreational drug use and therapeutic drug use.
there is always a crossover (any kind of play, ie recreation, can be therapeutic) but you have to have some self discipline if you are gonna stay on top of this.
Self discipline is often not one of our strongest points, as drug users. Even the most disciplined people I know have said "fuck it" and double dropped or whatever, just to see what will happen. We are all risk takers here, i would imagine.
I had a period of several years where my drug usage was at it's peak, and also my mental health was at it's worst. Was the drugs the cause of my problems? A contributing factor? A therapeutic agent? A recreational diversion from my problems?
Any kind of drug use will affect you in negative ways. You need to be prepared for that.
Depression and suicidal tendencies rarely go away through self medication. But you may find that your depression is actually a natural consequence of the shit you are dealing with. Once you remove the shit from your life, the depression might leave with it. Though this is a lot harder to judge when you are also experimenting with drugs.
The kinds of dosages we take for recreation and for therapy are different, the schedule is different, the protocol is different.
Remember that therapeutic drug use requires research, observation, a consistent environment and baby steps.
Just setting up your environment to be able to be confident of your therapeutic experiments is gonna be really tough, but could go a long way to helping you.
Also therapeutic drug use rarely works by itself. Drugs can facilitate new, positive behaviors, but they will not force you. You need to think about changing your life in many other regards as well. Make plans, try to implement changes, and as you consistently fail, learn to understand what you are failing at and why. Observe, measure, quantify, baby steps.....
It will be harder than just going and seeing doctors, as you have all the responsibility on your own shoulders. so do not expect an easy ride.
Good luck.
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i have manic depression. it helps a lot but dont use if too must it make your low even more low by far if you over use it.
so if your having a good day don't use it. if your having a very bad day go do a line. but as edballs said a lot of it is
self discipline dont want to be high 24/7 b/c soon as you run out you will have a very bad low may even kill yourself b/c the low is that bad. happen to me a few times in the pass.
what i find what works right now for me is weed when it a bad-ok day. coke when it a very bad day. and if it a good day i try not to do it. it hard stoping yourself form being high 24/7 b/c you fell like you want to be alive and your useful. it just when you run out or cant do it for a day and a low hit you it is hell.
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I've been suffering from clinical depression for well over a decade, but I've only smoked weed sparingly to help cope with it. I tend not to eat much during my episodes, so it helps to boost my mood and appetite temporarily. My long term solution is to stick to therapy and regular visits to my psychiatrist though. I still smoke recreationally every now and then, but it's mainly for the depression. One thing I try to keep in mind is not to let myself depend on the drugs too much. I'm aware that it doesn't make me truly happy, but acts as a stopgap when I really need one sometimes.
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Yes a tip on being a responsible user - Stay as far away from drugs as you can. Try to become sober with faith that you're strong enough to overcome your eating disorder. With that in mind seek psychiatric evaluation and treatment for suicidal idealization and depression. Exercise helps a lot - just walking at a strenuous pace three miles per day. Try not to start any depression medication from the doc just go there weekly to put all your thoughts on the table. If you are willing try a group setting like DBSA (depression bi-polar substance abuse) or AA. If you cannot find the proper support channels at home there are many waiting for you when you just go and look for them. They are mostly free. I wish you the best in life.
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i have manic depression. it helps a lot but dont use if too must it make your low even more low by far if you over use it.
so if your having a good day don't use it. if your having a very bad day go do a line.
what i find what works right now for me is weed when it a bad-ok day. coke when it a very bad day. and if it a good day i try not to do it. it hard stoping yourself form being high 24/7 b/c you fell like you want to be alive and your useful. it just when you run out or cant do it for a day and a low hit you it is hell.
I'm quite the opposite. If I had a terrific and productive day, then I feel the need to celebrate, either with alcohol or any available drug.
On the other hand, if I had a terrible and lousy day, then I feel a bit down and can't take anything, not even a cold beer will help me.... :(
Sleeping seems to be best cure.
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At one point I did start to use MDMA to self-medicate for depression. I felt that I have been stuck in the dark for so long, I deserved to be happy, even if for just a night. Of course, the morning was even worse. I didn't believe that depression could happen to me. I didn't feel sad, I had nothing to be sad about, I just didn't feel or care about anything, so it was hard to acknowledge. After a friend forced me to go to the doctor, I took anti-depressants for a month, and started regular exercise and a healthy lifestyle (lots of sleep, balanced diet). Now drugs are only for situations that are worth celebrating.
I'm sure some people can find therapeutic use in drugs (a few of my friends self-medicate with weed for ADD and OCD), but I don't trust myself after I let my mental state get to that level.
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I think it is not a good idea to self medicate with recreational drugs.
If you have medical problem try and solve it with a non-recreational product.
There are non-recreational drugs that can be used to treat depression, then when you are no longer depressed it is easy enough to stop taking the drug and you will be better for it. If you are taking recreational drug to treat depression you might take more than you need or take it for longer than needed and this could lower your quality of life.
Many people turn to drugs first when really it is things in their own life that are the problem, not that there is not any disorder just that people are mostly effected by their environment. I think too many people are prescribed drugs rather than good advice. Many people cure depression by exercise and by doing things like going out. They all think that it would not work but when they act regardless of their feelings they (very fast) become happy again.
Everybody wakes up in the morning and thinks: "no I wont go for a run today" or "I cant be bothered" , don't feel like it etc.. but to fix you have to just do it anyway and tell your brain to stop trying to make you a lazy person, and then in future you love to act without feeling like doing it.
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Everyone,
Thanks for your input. Really, I appreciate every word.
Unfortunately, I am on an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor which is not helping. In fact, I have been on nearly every anti-depressant on the market. Most, caused me to break out in manic episodes, leaving me severely traumatized.
Despite coming from a wealthy family, having a great support system, and all the other good stuff, I just can't pull myself out of this rut.
I am contemplating taking my life. I want to die peacefully. I am a big believer that anyone should have a choice when it comes to their life. I do not wish to suffer anymore.
I thought cyanide poisoning would be the way to go... but there is non available (at least not on SR). I really don't want to shoot myself as that is messy and I don't want anyone having to "clean me up" following my passing.
If there are any good souls out there who can direct me in a safe and secure way of passing please post your suggestions.
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Reading your first post, it sounds like you want to help yourself. But your recent one sounds you did a total 360. You're worried about people cleaning you up if you blast your brains out, but no matter what method you use, someone has to deal with finding and disposing of your body. Feeling like a burden on people goes with being depressed. Usually people who contemplate suicide feel like nobody would care if they were dead or alive. I tend to hide my feelings from friends and family because I'm ashamed of it. Suicide might seem like the easy way out for you, but it's harder on everyone else around you. I say keep in touch with your support system and let them know about your thoughts of suicide, I'm sure they'll do whatever they can to help.
On another note, depression is sometimes misdiagnosed. I have a friend who was, but turned out she was actually bi-polar. So, the anti-depressants that she was taking that she thought would help was actually making it worse. Just a thought to maybe get a second opinion instead of rotating through anti-depressants from the same doc that don't work. I don't know how old you are, but you've probably got a good amount of years left in your life to try and turn it around, as desperate and hopeless as it seems right now.
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I have some pretty fucked up co-morbid anorexia nervosa and borderline personality disorder. Really fun that BPD is already such a body issue heavy sickness, it almost is always coupled with a co-morbid eating disorder.
For the anorexia, I generally do not eat whatsoever sober; I force myself to get through the hunger. I only generally eat a meal a day, and this is only accomplished by "tricking" myself into eating via the appetite stimulating effects of benzos or weed. Benzos and weed are definitely therapeutic in this case, though that is only incidental to my desire to consume them recreationally, I feel.
For the borderline personality disorder, all bets are off when I try to self-medicate. The mood swings are so unexpected and rapid that trying to combat a current state of mind with an upper or downer may be counterproductive as my mood could do a 180 in minutes. As an example, I made the bad decision of trying to get myself out of that familiar blue abyss with some cocaine. The only problem was my depression cycled into mania while I was up, and the mania stacked with the coke: not...fucking....good. I can barely stop myself from entirely ruining my life in seconds in the midst of a manic episode, let alone a coke-fueled mania.
I think a lot of the drugs we like to consume here can be very therapeutic, but we must not kid ourselves: there is a fine line between therapeutic and recreational. I have trouble walking this line, and will almost always veer off course. I hope you all have better luck in your self-medication.
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Suicide seem like a good option when you can't see anything but a shitty life ahead of you, but this perception is false.
Many, many people have come out of it stronger and better than they could ever have imagined. It might not seem possible now, and it might not happen overnight, but it's true, and I talk from personal experience.
Just because you cannot see a solution right now, doesn't mean there is not a solution for you, even if it might take a little while to find it.
The people close to you will be destroyed if you take your own life. Do you really want to do that? If you can pull through it, then you will be a person who can deal with shit way better than most people.....you will end up being a shoulder for them to lean on when their lives get tough.
I know a lot of people who have suffered badly with depression, bipolar, psychosis, eating disorders, etc...The only ones who didn't eventually regain control of their lives are the ones who killed themselves...
You can regain control eventually too.
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Unfortunately, I am on an anti-depressant prescribed by my doctor which is not helping. In fact, I have been on nearly every anti-depressant on the market. Most, caused me to break out in manic episodes, leaving me severely traumatized.
Sounds like these drugs are not for you, but were you sober at the same time?
What is your exercise routine?
Despite coming from a wealthy family, having a great support system, and all the other good stuff, I just can't pull myself out of this rut.
It always will seem like this but this perception is false. Your brain is just tricking you.
I am contemplating taking my life. I want to die peacefully. I am a big believer that anyone should have a choice when it comes to their life. I do not wish to suffer anymore.
When you are well again you will look back and be glad you did not end your life.
I thought cyanide poisoning would be the way to go... but there is non available (at least not on SR). I really don't want to shoot myself as that is messy and I don't want anyone having to "clean me up" following my passing.
You don't want an easy way to go. You should set a rule for yourself to make it as difficult as possible to commit suicide. You will regret it if you do go through with it.
If there are any good souls out there who can direct me in a safe and secure way of passing please post your suggestions.
You ask for good souls to act like sick cunts. Quite a large request to ask of somebody imo.
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I find cocaine to be short term bliss, long term depression. MXE on the other hand has done miracles for me.
http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=6889.msg61036#msg61036
-RI
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You're probably not going to like what I'm about to say but...
...from my experience one of the most common causes of depression is insufficient amounts of saturated fat in your diet. I wonder if your lack of consumption (and I bet when you do consume food you either eat "healthy"...vegetables, low-fat foods, the shit you've been brainwashed into thinking is healthy....or you binge on sugary foods) is having a huge impact on your depression.
I love me some drugs, but for depression? No thanks. That's treating the symptom, not the cause. Very few people are legitimately "clinically depressed". What happens is, when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. So, you go see certain doctors about a whole range of issues, and they want to treat you with the same medication they would give to somebody who is very mentally ill. Go in for acid reflux, come out with prozac (seriously, and many worse examples than that).
I find that so often, depression is from malnutrition (many people think that they are properly nourished but have no idea how malnourished they are) and from lack of physical activity.
As somebody else who has struggled with weight loss issues, you should read "Why we get fat and what to do about it" by Gary Taubes. Once you embrace the theory that refined carbohydrates are the reason you're overweight, and stop eating them (and start eating fatty protein), you'd be amazed at how quickly you get happy and healthy. I speak from experience, both personal and from many others I have helped over the years.
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Do you know a british comedian called Stephen Fry? he is famous for suffering from depression and has come out and talked about it and even made a documentary about it.
Search for "stephen fry depression" and take a look at some of the vids on youtube.
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I find cocaine to be short term bliss, long term depression. MXE on the other hand has done miracles for me.
http://dkn255hz262ypmii.onion/index.php?topic=6889.msg61036#msg61036
-RI
RI, the MXE man! 8)
;)
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Opiates were a quick fix for my depression, but after an 8 month addiction made it much worse. Pot helps so much with my depression, I honestly think without it I would have killed myself years ago. Drugs like MXE and 3-MeO-PCP also really help, the trips show you how beautiful life can be.