Silk Road forums
Discussion => Off topic => Topic started by: thedopestjunkie on December 25, 2012, 05:49 am
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Hello my fellow junkies and junkettes...just feeling really fucking down this holiday like I do every year. Been at it for 15 years now solid with drugs, been suicidal since a teenager. I am however looking forward to a fun filled New Years Eve this year and the holidays were pretty good to me this year.
I guess Im just wondering if anyone else struggles round this time of year or has any words of encouragement. You guys are always so thoughtful and caring when its not LE posting bullshit to dissuade people from using the site.
Specifically Ive been having a really tough time with some abuse I went through years and years ago, just cant seem to stop obsessing about it. Have tried meds, they dont seem to do much. My best experience so far was with some quality molly, that really put me at ease. But if anyone has any other suggestions Im all ears, Im pretty close to accomplishing some major goals in my life in the next few years but I worry about the depression and suicidal thoughts. Anybody out there?
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I'm kind of in the same boat, but I'm personally about 70/30 for offing myself soon. Probably the best I can offer is to say you're not alone in feeling how you do.
My situation is not directly because of this, but I will say that many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder- which is a depressed mood during the winter season (directly or indirectly) due to a decrease in sunlight; and to combine this time of a heightened risk of depression with a flurry of holidays which can be super difficult for multiple reasons... well, blows.
If the aim is to survive and thrive, I would recommend talk therapy with a professional, to where you can talk about the abuse you've suffered; and there are other forms of therapy you can undergo which takes away the control traumatic life events have on your life. One involves doing a rhythmic activity while you go through the experience, all with a therapist. I can't remember what the other one is, but I read that both have had good results.
I'm looking into the possibility of using shrooms and/or LSD for personal psychotherapy, because I'm too afraid and weak to change any other way, and my current mind-set is simply destructive- it appears that psychedelics have a good potential to make us reevaluate the "thought boxes" we live in, and overall just generally change the way we think. If I don't have the money to try it it's probably curtains for me.
Ideally I would think the final solution is you.... well I was going to say to have forgiveness about what happened in your past (forgiving others for doing it, and forgiving yourself for experiencing it), but the true healthy end would be that whatever happened in your past no longer controls you. I haven't been able to forgive, and my past controls me to this day, and may kill me.
PB
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Hello my fellow junkies and junkettes...just feeling really fucking down this holiday like I do every year. Been at it for 15 years now solid with drugs, been suicidal since a teenager. I am however looking forward to a fun filled New Years Eve this year and the holidays were pretty good to me this year.
I guess Im just wondering if anyone else struggles round this time of year or has any words of encouragement. You guys are always so thoughtful and caring when its not LE posting bullshit to dissuade people from using the site.
Specifically Ive been having a really tough time with some abuse I went through years and years ago, just cant seem to stop obsessing about it. Have tried meds, they dont seem to do much. My best experience so far was with some quality molly, that really put me at ease. But if anyone has any other suggestions Im all ears, Im pretty close to accomplishing some major goals in my life in the next few years but I worry about the depression and suicidal thoughts. Anybody out there?
The only way things will truly get better for you is for you to talk with a professional and put to bed the problems caused by the abuse you suffered and have carried around with you for so long. You need to remove this weight off your shoulders and unburden yourself. It will be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do, but with this on your plate. your drug taking is only suppressing these feelings deeper and deeper. Once you have dealt with your problems and are able to cope with what has happened to you, only then will your life move forward. Abuse is abhorrent behavior and is one thing that really gets me mad. I faced a similar problem in my life and having learned to cope with what happened has enabled me to move on with my life in a positive way. Rehashing what happened is painful, but needs to be done so you can live life as your entitled to. Good luck with everything.
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The only way things will truly get better for you is for you to talk with a professional and put to bed the problems caused by the abuse you suffered...
Second that motion but... "talk with a **qualified** professional"... the right professional. They are few and can be hard to find, but do try. Many "professionals" are messed up and got into it to find their own salvation. The right one keeps things focused, meets you at your level, doesn't sugar-coat things, won't string you along, knows where the line is and doesn't ever step over it. I've seen good and lame--I praise the former and I despise the latter. A good one can help you realize that the abuse from the past is gone, good people won't think less of you for something you couldn't control, and your future is still yours to claim. It's always difficult, often painful, usually possible, always worth trying.
Peace my friends.
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As drug users, it's important to recognise that your mood may be artificially depressed through down regulation of dopamine / serotonin and everything else that comes with regular drug use (eg lack of sleep, other interests, relationships). Being conscious of it won't make you feel better, but it can help steer away from suicide.
On the other hand, it's Christmas and that means you are probably surrounded by assholes (ie relatives) who are all "happy", while being forced to listen to Michael Buble christmas carols, or some other retarded pop-christian musical abortion. God knows it's enough to drive me to suicide.
Stay strong, both are temporary. Just like last year.
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Just fight it with things that make you feel good or happy. Fuck the rest of the downers. Pets are great to cheer me up. Try some music you like and not the kind that makes you sad. Try not to ponder over bad experiences or memories. Remember that going forward is the only direction that will benefit you. Leave the past in the past and don't waste time thinking about it. Keep your eye on the prize. There should always be a goal to accomplish. Any kind of failure is a blessing that shows where improvement is needed. There is always room for improvement. A failure is a victory in the fact that you tried and put forth the effort and now you can improve.
Be proud of yourself and let your let shine no matter what little troll snickers about in the back ground and no matter what mistakes you have made. When people laugh and talk shit about you then that is evidence that your on the right track because they are just jealous and envious. Hell laugh with them and you will find them to be your biggest supporters.
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Im in and out off depression all the time so its not just the Holidays for me.. Im going over 10 years on Meds, Benzos and opiates and If i go without anything at all it just fucking sucks.. I know some of you guys say just do this or do that, but its really not that easy Mentally.. I have severe Anxiety and iv gotton to where i would rather be by myself than hanging out with the crowd like i use to when i was still in my teens.. Iv gone through alot of deaths of people very close to me and thats the only thing i have to complain about that could cause any type of true effects printed on me. I grew up both Parents ,Spoiled fucking Rotten ! still am and not far away from 30 but some how i still have issues... Iv just come to look at it like , its who i am and its just something i have to deal with almost all the time, Id rather be High doing it though.. Not on the suiceide mission like some so i cant say im in that boat but i surely can understand it leading in that direction for some..
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Im in and out off depression all the time so its not just the Holidays for me.. Im going over 10 years on Meds, Benzos and opiates and If i go without anything at all it just fucking sucks.. I know some of you guys say just do this or do that, but its really not that easy Mentally.. I have severe Anxiety and iv gotton to where i would rather be by myself than hanging out with the crowd like i use to when i was still in my teens.. Iv gone through alot of deaths of people very close to me and thats the only thing i have to complain about that could cause any type of true effects printed on me. I grew up both Parents ,Spoiled fucking Rotten ! still am and not far away from 30 but some how i still have issues... Iv just come to look at it like , its who i am and its just something i have to deal with almost all the time, Id rather be High doing it though.. Not on the suiceide mission like some so i cant say im in that boat but i surely can understand it leading in that direction for some..
I too had an anxiety disorder where I would panic in social situations, begin to sweat profusely and struggle to communicate with people, even ones I knew. After I saw a professional a few times, she gave me some tools to cope in those situations and helped me see things I'd never thought of before. Basically, it was like a new approach to things which although wasn't perfect, allowed me to feel as though I was part of the "scene" instead of an outsider looking in. Some excellent advise I received which made me think about where I was going in life was - "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
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Im in and out off depression all the time so its not just the Holidays for me.. Im going over 10 years on Meds, Benzos and opiates and If i go without anything at all it just fucking sucks.. I know some of you guys say just do this or do that, but its really not that easy Mentally.. I have severe Anxiety and iv gotton to where i would rather be by myself than hanging out with the crowd like i use to when i was still in my teens.. Iv gone through alot of deaths of people very close to me and thats the only thing i have to complain about that could cause any type of true effects printed on me. I grew up both Parents ,Spoiled fucking Rotten ! still am and not far away from 30 but some how i still have issues... Iv just come to look at it like , its who i am and its just something i have to deal with almost all the time, Id rather be High doing it though.. Not on the suiceide mission like some so i cant say im in that boat but i surely can understand it leading in that direction for some..
I too had an anxiety disorder where I would panic in social situations, begin to sweat profusely and struggle to communicate with people, even ones I knew. After I saw a professional a few times, she gave me some tools to cope in those situations and helped me see things I'd never thought of before. Basically, it was like a new approach to things which although wasn't perfect, allowed me to feel as though I was part of the "scene" instead of an outsider looking in. Some excellent advise I received which made me think about where I was going in life was - "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
Very well said.. Iv been to a few pro's and into treatment a few times and iv read tons of books on coping skills but it never fails if i dont have anxiety meds in me, like xanax or any benzo id rather be by myself. Which i guess there is nothing wrong with not wanting to hang out with a old crowd that did nothing but get in trouble anyways, But at the same time i cant continue to think everyone is that way and meet new people.. There is always a Silver lining under neith somewhere
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Thanks for the responses everyone. Its nice to know I am not alone in my struggle and I continue to come back to these forums to seek help and to give help where and when I can.
Lately Ive been struggling again but at least I know Im not alone. I just get so fed up on a daily basis because we drug addicts/users are being gravely mistreated both by LE and Doctors. They are both happy to take your money without actually lending a hand. Just venting I guess.
Also Im really fed up with the drug game. Id much rather deal with an expert scientist or doctor to get things that I need than to have to deal with organized criminals. No offense to anyone. But most if not all dealers are concerned with making money not with anyone else's well being. Im hoping that will change very soon but I dont have much hope given the complacency of everyone in the US.
Thanks for listening to me bitch guys, these are just first world problems after all, but they are problems still. I worry about this site being taken down by the FEDS because for once we addicts are organized and have an outlet with which to voice our opinions. I dont want to lose that. I love all of you addicts and users. If anyone else is struggling feel free to comment and maybe we can help each other out. Here's to all of you.
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the dopestjunkie no you are not alone! I pray the SR stays here for many more years to come!
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the dopestjunkie no you are not alone! I also struggle over the holidays and generally have to do it silently and put on a happy "face" for the family around me. I have pretty severe PTSD which stems from abuse as a child. I have to admit the ONLY thing that gets me through the big holidays without wanting to stay in bed and cry is opiates. For me, they are a Godsend! And you don't get that harsh depression when the high is gone like you do with stimulants. It's really what helps keep me alive. I pray the SR stays here for many more years to come!
I know the drugs help but they are a temporary soloution. I think talking with a therapist would definatly help but sometimes i just think to myself, "this stuffs in the past and there,s nothing i can do about it now but to let it go and more importantly let the anger go too, stop carrying it around". Basically i can,t change whats happened but it,s not my fault and its not going to define me as a person, life,s great, enjoy the days and nights, your kids, animals, whatever it may be for you, cause we,re better than that ;) I,m not saying you can forget the abuse but you can move on from it, have great lives cause we,re all survivors!! ;) :-*
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At this point I'm just like "Whatever - time to move on I'm sick of talking about it". And yes most of us are survivers!
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Mary - yeah spoken with a therapist so much I feel like i'm on repeat. At this point I'm just like "Whatever - time to move on I'm sick of talking about it". And yes most of us are survivers!
Some karma for you hun ;)
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Thanks
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Hello my fellow junkies and junkettes...just feeling really fucking down this holiday like I do every year. Been at it for 15 years now solid with drugs, been suicidal since a teenager. I am however looking forward to a fun filled New Years Eve this year and the holidays were pretty good to me this year.
I guess Im just wondering if anyone else struggles round this time of year or has any words of encouragement. You guys are always so thoughtful and caring when its not LE posting bullshit to dissuade people from using the site.
Specifically Ive been having a really tough time with some abuse I went through years and years ago, just cant seem to stop obsessing about it. Have tried meds, they dont seem to do much. My best experience so far was with some quality molly, that really put me at ease. But if anyone has any other suggestions Im all ears, Im pretty close to accomplishing some major goals in my life in the next few years but I worry about the depression and suicidal thoughts. Anybody out there?
The only way things will truly get better for you is for you to talk with a professional and put to bed the problems caused by the abuse you suffered and have carried around with you for so long. You need to remove this weight off your shoulders and unburden yourself. It will be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do, but with this on your plate. your drug taking is only suppressing these feelings deeper and deeper. Once you have dealt with your problems and are able to cope with what has happened to you, only then will your life move forward. Abuse is abhorrent behavior and is one thing that really gets me mad. I faced a similar problem in my life and having learned to cope with what happened has enabled me to move on with my life in a positive way. Rehashing what happened is painful, but needs to be done so you can live life as your entitled to. Good luck with everything.
Thanks for the kind words Wadozo :) Things have been slowly getting better, although I still have so much negativity and anger Im trying to sort out, Im learning how to channel it through self-defense classes. But your words helped too. As for the therapists I am looking forward to the day when I dont rely on them its been such a long time that ive been in therapy and it only does so much. Most of it is as much a racket as the war on drugs lol. Thanks everyone for listening and sharing, still getting through the day.