Vendor Reviews: The good, the bad, the ugly, and how to write an A+ DarkNet review

We've all seen it: that half-assed vendor review that is almost entirely worthless, not even worth the 15 seconds it must have taken to type and submit. It goes something along the lines of, "So-and-so vendor sent me 10 tabs of LSD, they were the tits bro, seeing shit all night and smoking trees like Snoop Dogg until we crashed the next morning. 10/10 to my main man, everybody order from this dude!"

Well to put it delicately, reviews of such low quality suck donkey dick. They come off as shill-like, especially from new accounts, and contribute absolutely nothing to the knowledge-base of the vendor being reviewed. The very intent of a vendor review is to add more information and more knowledge to the current database so that future buyers can sift through these reviews and develop a solid picture of how the vendor in question does business.

Without further ado, I will give you my guide for an A+, 100%, gold-star vendor review. I'll also give examples of reviews that are good, bad, and just plain ugly; I'll discuss "The Good" last and give additional pointers to make your review "GREAT"!

THE BAD

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/21m5su/vendor_review_xanax_king_good_and_bad/

This review can be classified as bad because it contains almost zero helpful information. The reviewer begins by rambling about the state of the DNM benzo market and then goes on to provide an extremely vague, weak review. The user rates stealth and communication but gives no details as to why he gives that rating. The only reason this review is not an ugly review is because the user does give some insight into the potency of the product, which at least contributes something.

THE UGLY

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/25y368/review_blue_viking_acid/

This review epitomizes what an ugly review is all about: absolutely ZERO helpful information, of any sort. I'm not even 100% sure that this isn't a joke review or something of the sort, as I can't possibly imagine a serious review being this terrible.

THE GOOD

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/227d8s/vendor_review_eastcoastcollective_and_his/

Ignore the vendor being reviewed here; everyone knows I'm a big ECC fan but this isn't the reason I chose this review. Pretend like it's any other vendor being reviewed, and you have a great review format, for the following reasons, with additional tips and advice included:

  1. Includes most of the important review categories. Shipping, stealth, product; very important aspects of a review. There are a few other categories that are absent in this review that are also very helpful, namely the following: communication, product and price, and market. These are the major categories that should be listed and rated, and these greatly increase the helpfulness of the review.

  2. Gives a rating, out of 5 or 10, for each category. This streamlines the review and makes it easier to skim for the essentials. Be sure to be fair to the vendor with your ratings, but also be sure to be firm at the same time; if the vendor took 3 days to process your order before it shipped, he probably doesn't deserve a 5/5 shipping rating. Be firm without being unreasonable.

  3. Includes pictures of the product. For some products this isn't as big of a necessity, such as for shrooms, LSD, pills, etc. For others such as marijuana, meth, etc, pictures can greatly help ascertain the quality of the product. Terms such as dank are entirely subjective and may mean different things to different people, but a picture of the dank weed is completely objective and gives everyone the opportunity to see the marijuana as it actually is. Sites like imgur and other non-anonymous image uploading sites should be avoided, however. Always keep your anonymity on lock.

  4. Gives lots of pertinent details. Shipping speed, general shipping location, product weight, etc. These are the details that turn an average review into a good review. Additional details that are helpful include comparison to other vendors and products, potency of product, shipping speed, and your country/region.

  5. Utilizes bold/italicized words to streamline the review. Bolding categories and ratings greatly helps streamline a review for those skimming vendor reviews. No one wants to wade through a review, searching for a needle in a haystack. Bold the essentials and make your review much easier to follow.

  6. Paragraphs. Jesus Christ, is there anything worse than opening a vendor review and being met with a WALL OF TEXT? It's intimidating, it's an eyesore, and no one wants to read that. Break it up and arrange it in a way that doesn't make us want to stab our eyes out.

EXTRAS

  1. When possible, include test results of the product. Products like MDMA and cocaine are easy to adulterate, and testing these products is one of the greatest ways to contribute to the community. Include pictures of the tests performed as evidence, because anyone can claim that a vendor's product "came out 100% pure" but a picture solidifies this.

  2. Include as much detail about the shipping process as possible. Information such as, "Got to me in 3 days" is okay and not terrible, but it would help if you included the area from which the vendor ships and the area you are from. For instance if I am from Florida and order from a vendor in California, I could say, "Shipping time was 5 days from western US to southeastern US". This isn't so specific that it infringes upon your own anonymity or the vendor's, but it's specific enough that it gives us a better understanding of the vendor's shipping speed.

  3. Just give us details; as much as possible, about every step of the transaction". It's a natural tendency to try to keep reviews short and concise, but sometimes in the process we leave out helpful details. If your review is well-structured and utilizes numbers and/or bold words, people are more likely to read your review and they will appreciate the extra details. How pleasant vendor communication was, how long it took the vendor to reply to your question, how many layers the product was packaged in, etc; be **as detailed as possible.

  4. Please, don't post a review until you've had the chance to actually use the product. Your LSD review may be perfectly written and full of good information, but it's pretty much useless until you've actually tried the product. The vendor could have sent you tabs containing absolutely nothing and your vendor review wouldn't reflect that. I know it's exciting to receive a package and tempting to immediately write a review, but do us all a favor and wait.

This is my guide to writing a solid, A+ vendor review. Comments? Questions? Additional thoughts? I'd like to edit this post with additional thoughts that I missed and then add it into the /r/DarkNetMarkets wiki, so I would greatly appreciate any suggestions you may have. Thank you all!

ADDITIONAL EXAMPLES OF GOOD REVIEWS

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/21iq0v/heroin_review_time_bestman365_pandora_worldofthed/

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/215uh8/vender_review_apollonian_mdma/

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/261ega/vendor_review_chipchipperson_35g_strawberry/

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/20ct3v/vendor_reviews_medibuds_rosesgarden_donaldo_srog/


Comments


[15 Points] joustingthesky:

Shipping 5/5: took five years to arrive and came in underweight, but it arrived.


[5 Points] None:

[deleted]


[5 Points] camelcult:

Aw man my reviews didn't make the good review list :P

But seriously I hope this cuts down on the constant shitposts in this subreddit. There are too many fucking 3 sentence reviews for vendors, which IMO only hurts legit vendors trying to expand business because the reviews sound so shill-like that it just makes me avoid them altogether.


[2 Points] toewzer19:

I caan rite gud review!!1

Thx for using my review as an ex. Sometimes I try, sometimes I admittingly half ass things. Either way at least cover the bare bones ratings for shipping,stealth,product, etc... Otherwise ' Acid wuz gud. I ended up in da hood wit no shoes what da fu? ' is sincerely unhelpful.


[2 Points] samwhiskey:

Now I feel bad for not writing reviews at all.


[1 Points] CactusSteve:

Great tips, thanks HUGS. I am going to review here all of that dope that I order, would love your advice on how I can improve my reviews.

https://pay.reddit.com/r/DarkNetMarkets/comments/26cbf2/vendor_review_4_cannabis_vendor_reviews_3_good_1/

I hope they are readable and at least somewhat useful to people.


[1 Points] throwaway_stealth:

lol @ the ugly 8-)