Disclaimer; boring personal story ahead.
I am currently beginning my 7 week of going cold turkey from a multi-year benzo addiction. I had started my prescription for Xanax a while ago. My doctor never quite detailed my anxiety any further than an anxiety disorder. After a couple years, my tolerance was high enough that I felt that I was no longer able to treat my anxiety with any amount of benzo. I would still have a baseline of anxiety and taking my medication only seemed to keep me from experiencing withdrawal. My memory was and still is very shitty. I made the decision to quit, and had the mentality of I can overcome this on my own.
Halloween 2014, I was 2 weeks into my cold turkey from 4-5 mg's of klonopin daily usage. I was in bad shape. I took my kids trick or treating and abruptly stopped our night short when I lead my kids into a haunted house. I walked through the doorway and started jumping and twitching to the beat of a strobe light in the room. I remember not having any control over my body. I couldn't turn around and leave the strobe light. Apparently I had dropped to the floor and was handcuffed by local cops. My SO had known my entire situation, explaining that to the cops, they took me to an ambulance. At this point, I became coherent again and remember getting my finger poked to check my blood sugar levels. I believe that I was at or around low 40s. I get taken to the hospital. The hospital prescribed me 0.5mg klonopin and told me to follow up with my doctor.
I explained my situation to my doctor. My doctor wanted to stabilize me first, then work on a taper. I was put on 5mg diazepam 3 times daily. My baseline anxiety was never being treated and I was back to taking the medication to try and thwart the withdrawal symptoms. Months went by without me becoming stabilized. My doctor quit, moved her practice to another city. I was seen by a doctor at the same office. 6 week program, first 2 weeks were 2.5mg of diazepam twice daily, 2nd 2 weeks were 2mg twice daily, last 2 weeks were 1mg twice daily. I was breaking pills in half most of the time. I could feel the withdrawals about a week in. Not as bad as before, but still pretty paralyzing.
I am beginning my 7th week since completing the taper. I am in as bad of shape as when I had my seizure that Halloween. I am twitching horribly, my senses are being fucking tortured. One day I can feel every single sound as if it is resonating through my body. Another day I am extremely excitable and jumpy. Almost every day is filled with an underlying headache. Only to be interrupted by an impossible day and night of an extremely painful headache. Sleep is impossible. Work is impossible. I can feel every ounce of my body. Like when you lay on your arm for a while and it falls asleep, that's how I feel throughout my body.
People look at me like I'm on drugs. I am completely useless to anyone. I shake constantly. I get weird fucking brain zaps. I am scared to do anything. I'm even scared to write this fucking post but figured that my 4th attempt to do so is reason enough to ask for help.
I don't want to go to a doctor and be labeled as a pill hunter. I can't make a single fucking decision. I can't enjoy anything. I can't focus on shit.
I tried a single bite of a pot brownie yesterday and it was a horrible experience. As opposed to when I was on benzos and I could enjoy a buzz every once in a while. I can't enjoy anything now. Alcohol, vape, pain med, all put me into extreme panic. Laughing is even a hallow experience. I laugh so my kids see a better emotion out of me than my normal dry and fragile self.
I see that alot of you have had experience in this. I desperately need this to end. I am OK with being on a benzo for the rest of my life. I came here to purchase something to get me back to normal. But I don't trust my judgment at this point. I just want to be normal again.
Sorry for the shit post and shit formatting. I'm on mobile and I just can't put any more effort into this right now.
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