Bought a sheet from Aphelion. 4 business days shipping, zero hassle, good stealth, etc. Sort of a weird blotter (vagina-iceberg) but I'm just happy I got some.
Edit: The package from BlueViking just moved in the right direction on packagetrackr, so I'm gonna stop smearing his name in the mud. Looks like it really was USPS's fault.
Btw Viking is a known selective scammer. Do business with him carefully.