[Humor] Leave smuggling to the smugglers kids. This is what happens when you leave the safety of the darknet.

Well guys, I've just learned first hand the very real consequences when a dork like me strays from the relative safety of the darknet.

My story begins in the land of kief and honey high as fuck in the mountains of Colorado. The week had just been fantastic, and I figured that it would easy enough to get a few chocolate bars through the small airport I was taking to my connecting flight. I'd been through this place before and remembered as a really laid back operation that just wanted to make sure no bombs got on the thing. No way in fuck is a tiny airport in the mountains going to investigate whether those are REALLY Hershey bars, right?

I was calm as I checked in at the little kiosk right before the security gate, due in no small part to the 200mg worth of edibles that had just begun to kick in. I smiled at the gate agent and made quick small talk about not wanting to go home before reaching in my pocket to grab my license.

It wasn't there. Suddenly I began to panic. It must have shown in my face because the guy helpfully chimed in, "Don't worry, I bet we can still get you through if you have anything else with your picture on it. We will have to do some extra screening and a thorough search if that's okay. Just step over here."

"Uh, sure."

He pawed through my bag, patting down the pockets of my clothes until he found the six 100mg chocolate bars I had left.

I did my best to keep calm as he stared intently at my face, clearly aware of what he was holding and reading my ever reddening eyes for a hint of my reaction.

"Alright, look. You know you can't take these on a plane. I'm not going to make a big deal about this so how about you just eat them now or something and then you're clear to go."

Looking back I realize that I didn't have to eat them all, but he said it with such authority that I feared what might happen if I didn't. As I chewed down on the last bite, his intense scowl began to break into a more quizzical expression.

"Was that all of them?"

I choked down the last bit, clearly feeling the effects of chocolate and sugar overconsumption if not yet showing signs of the 800mg of THC I'd downed since arriving at the airport.

"Yes-- yes, sir," I stammered.

At this point he was in a full grin, and as he began to speak he broke into laughter.

"Damn! Alright dude, have a great flight!"

As his laughter and sideways glances continued, I realized that this was all planned from the outset.

I am way uncomfortably high and it is all part of the TSA's master plan. I mean, I just followed a strange woman though an entire concourse of a major airport because I was lost and I thought she was my wife. I'm traveling alone. I made it to my connecting gate, and despite a 5 hour layover I'm terrified of what might happen if I leave this spot, so I dare not move and instead sit here and type (very very slowly) at this stupid story.

Leave the drug transportation to the professionals, kids. Learn from my mistake. Don't get fucked by the TSA.


Comments


[287 Points] throwitwaywaywayaway:

Just found out they sell burritos like 10 feet from where I've been sitting for the past couple hours.

I think everything is going to be okay.


[61 Points] Bsheedy555:

If that's the worst TSA is going to fuck you, you're a lucky SOB haha. Also keep us updated, I really hope you're able to leave your spot safely, airports can be fun when baked!


[35 Points] None:

[deleted]


[35 Points] throwitwaywaywayaway:

Wow, so that was an experience. I'm still feeling it a bit to be honest, but I'm heading out of the fog.

When I wrote that it had been about 2 hours since I ate the bulk of the candies. The high just really continued to build for a long time.

I got my plane just fine, but when I landed I was still higher than jesus on a pogo stick and couldn't figure out where my car was. I'd forgotten that the airport had two completely different areas and that I needed to catch a train to the other one. As I searched fruitlessly for a sign telling me where to go, it dawned on me that I was in no condition for the 90 mile drive home anyhow.

It didn't really occur to me that the cab ride was going to cost a fortune and that it would have been a much better idea to just wait it out at the airport and drive home once the high had passed.

Now I'm going to be paying an extra $25 for a day's worth of parking and I have the massive headache of trying to find a way back to the airport without blowing a Saudi Prince or something.

Hopefully I can find someone will drive me in exchange for a good story. I'd pay in fresh Colorado edibles, but...


[31 Points] Spinster444:

All things considered this seems to be one of the better outcomes. Good luck buddy.


[17 Points] CheekyDive:

You absolute fucking legend


[13 Points] None:

Holy shit that's awesome if true, but greening out on edibles sounds like a horrible plane ride


[12 Points] antonivs:

Leave smuggling to the smugglers kids.

You can't count on smugglers kids being good at smuggling.


[9 Points] browndusty:

That's honestly the funniest TSA story I've heard.


[8 Points] Duderino420:

I went through Denver international the day after 4/20 with a couple of them chocolate bars they sell with the mylar material and also had some oil cartridges for my Ecig. I was smoking the oil while walking and while taking a shit in the bathroom. I feel like OP is a good story teller.


[8 Points] honestlyimeanreally:

Well-written.


[5 Points] NotAFuckingShill:

TSA don't play. Give us part 2 of the story. I've even given a name to the show.

Life of a TSA Smuggler

The Plane Ride

Episode 2


[4 Points] Microphonejaculator:

Coming back from Amsterdam I forgot some truffles in my backpack. Got to Seattle for them to find them and make me eat about 5g right there. Same thing happened, Mr. TSA laughs and waves me through.


[2 Points] Don_Rosso:

Can you explain the part where this was planned from the outset? What happened to your ID?


[3 Points] None:

So you wrote this just now high on 700 mg of thc? Ok.


[3 Points] subarutim:

Sounds like Pitkin County Airport (Sardy Field) up by Aspen. I was once a cop there, lol.


[3 Points] carmackal:

i love this subreddit


[2 Points] CheekyDive:

I wanna be there with you man. It's not about the destination, it's the journey


[2 Points] GMU_TheHulk:

I said you should bake cookies shaped like dog bones, not chocolate


[2 Points] illpoet:

I bet you made that dudes day and he was telling all his buddies about how he got a civilian to a ten.

I wonder if it had something to do with the candy bars not being illegal until you arrived in your home state. I guess he could have been a dick, let you take them then call the airport you were landing at and have you nabbed on federal trafficing charges (contraband across state lines)


[2 Points] None:

You had a chance to be the most popular guy in the airport by giving them out to 6 randos.


[1 Points] Raycay1:

Pretty epic stuff


[1 Points] tpsmc:

http://cdn.meme.am/instances/52867725.jpg


[1 Points] realstonned:

I find when traveling on planes oral sprays inside my carry on never to be an issue. (Budder mist sprays for sublingual use) doesn't really have anything cannabis related except for the whole Budder king Spray on it lol but I've told I'm sick and it's just my sinus spray they let me actually walk with it around the airport/plane. This was from Europe to us to canada. Also had hash in my suitcase but never had issues with suitcases.


[1 Points] TheIntelligentOne:

Best story I have read All-Day


[0 Points] None:

:( They can detect edibles now? I'd been planning on bringing milk chocolate 420 bars back from a recreational state. I'm with you and trust the DNM professionals to get them to me in a less risky manner.


[0 Points] ravenkain251:

Don't leave us hanging dude! Did you make your flight?


[-7 Points] None:

Ah the obligatory "well written weekend post by a budding autistic author who spends the rest of the week in TIFU or WP" post...


[-16 Points] troubledteendwight:

What does this have to do with /r/darknetmarkets? Another troubled teen telling tall tales. Probably better suited for /r/trees don't ya think?