HUGE alphabay updates from employee newsletter

Big changes are happening to alphabay! This is mostly for employees but we didnt want to leave anyone out.

We are now bringing back casual fridays and we will no longer speak about the "incident"

The vodka cooler has been fixed and we should remind bigmuscles not to lift it again.

Plans to replace the toilet paper with sheets of acid are being considered.

We have a new employee handbook being released including a detailed list of things not to do with your employee handbook.

Please stop requesting that the GRB reviews the guide on reviewing guides it is not healthy.

Due to budget concerns plans on replacing all office furnature with bricks of cocaine are on temporary hold. A comittee will be formed to manage all cocaine brick furnashings should we proceed.

Next week's dance team practice has been cancelled.

Next week we are going to TP the dream market HQ so wear your best ski mask.

Someone left brownies in the employee lounge and they werent special at all. Whoever did this will be punished.

Alphabay Prime, and Alphabay Platinum Prime Plus are now pre selecting beta testers. At the moment neither have any features but you may speak more highly of yourself for having it.

Someone stole the cocaine cutting credit card from the employee lounge and if you put it back no harm will come to you but if not the cost of 1 fullz will be deducted from your paycheck. I'm not pointing fingers but just know that I know who did it.

Desnake's surprise birthday party is coming up soon and attendance is mandatory.

Dont forget to update your employee health insurance info, our prior back alley physican has been arrested after he tried to buy a house for 30 kidneys. It s not known howw many are frum us alt hough I' am faeling vry faiiinntttttttttttt$&&&&&&&&


Comments


[26 Points] UKhead:

This is funny, your funny, this post is hilarious. Fuck off.


[24 Points] RIP_Meth_9000:

Needs more METH......Bahahahahah!!!!!!!!


[23 Points] jjcooli0h:

Dude you forgot to mention the part about the name change.

Remember when it was decided that due to /r/DNM being overrun by pacifist millenials who are afraid of their mailmen and who meekly back down when their friends steal from them; that it was in the market's interest to better cater to this emerging demographic by renaming the site from the prior, overtly-masculine, AB, to the new and diminutively gender-confused, βB.

Henceforth to be known as BetaBay™


[6 Points] PolyHigh09:

Someone stole the cocaine cutting credit card from the employee lounge

This part i found pretty funny, leaving a credit card around carders lol (yes i know he's joking but still funny)

Also a quick question about these employee "updates"....Are they because of the recent doxx threats on the them? Or just a cleaver way to make people laugh and kinda forget about that whole issue?

Figured AB newsletter would read more like this:

"Soooo....do we pay this guy....try and kill him...or burn down russia and move to belize. Please submit your vote on our facebook page"


[3 Points] Morvu:

pride precedes a disaster, and an arrogant attitude precedes a fall.


[2 Points] OGPACKS:

wait wha?


[2 Points] None:

[deleted]


[2 Points] hillarys_yoni:

Are....are you.....hiring?!?


[1 Points] aSchizophrenicCat:

Gotta keep the employees productive so you can meet dem quarterlies.


[1 Points] Dignified27:

What's the .onion for AB can't find it anywhere


[1 Points] 4mgBAR:

Funny, but maybe update the policy on never returning vendor bonds.


[-2 Points] None:

[deleted]

What is this?