Vendor used "gay lube oil" stealth & now mom wont give me the pack.

Long story short I am 20 and I live with my parents (Yeah I know..), I ordered an ounce of weed from a canadian vendor, in my name and sent to my mom's house. Vendor labelled pack as "Gay Lube Oil". Im fine with stealth 10/10 but the problem is that my mom was the one opening the door to the mailman and now she refuses to give me the pack because she wants explanation as to why i've been ordering gay lube oil. My mother is a strong believer of the Faith (like a LOT) and she tried to have me admit that when my male friends sleep over we have anal sex with each other (which is totally false). Telling the truth about what's in the pack would probably trigger consequences worse than that of fakely admitting to enjoy phallic pleasures with my buddies in her home. I can't even tell her its for anal sex with girls because I never had a girlfriend yet and she will most likely punish me for admitting to doing anal sex. Her religious convictions suck. If I refuse to explain myself she will inevitably open up the pack.

What to do now? She keeps it hidden from me and I'm very anxious about the possibility of being kicked out of the house.


Comments


[2260 Points] JAMESLJNR:

HAHAHAHA


[1586 Points] PoweRaider:

Tell her whatever friend she likes the least is gay and his parents dont know, He was afraid of them finding out and ordered that to your house...and you let him because you are really worried about him and thought if he trusted you more that perhaps he would listen to your dissuading words about the risks of homosexuality


[357 Points] SirFoxx:

Just tell her you have an all male gangbang to go to and you're the Twink. She'll probably be out cold for at least 30 minutes after fainting. Grab your pack and go.


[245 Points] None:

[deleted]


[176 Points] MrEManFTW:

Why not just say it's for whacking your little German army helmet, you could say gay lube oil is a decent brand of lube for playing the fiddle not just ramming your flag pole into a dirt hole


[155 Points] XanaxBoss:

Fake and Gay. Mostly gay.


[127 Points] poolsharkz:

Tell her you bought it to use as "Gay Bait" and you and your friends were going to tie a string around it and toss it around the corner of the gay bars.. then lure them sinners straight to the closest church! Can I get an Amen?


[56 Points] fuk-yt-people:

20 yrs old doing sleep overs ... you got more problems then just your mother


[64 Points] C_Lana_Zepamo:

Let me guess, the return label said it was from "Frank Lee Gay" right?


[57 Points] greggaravani:

Just tell her you're gay, you realized it after High School and now have a boyfriend. If she needs proof then I'll help cover for you as long as we get to smoke after. 💕


[46 Points] None:

[deleted]


[39 Points] Baeward:

Just say it was a gag birthday present


[40 Points] TheRealFatMac:

Good luck with that. Religious types only seem to become more entrenched in their position when faced with any kind of adversity..

You could tell her that Jeebus looked down on people stealing right along with the "deviant sexual sinners" (not my opinion, what is taught in religious culture). Tell her that she's not being very Christ- like with stealing and in your opinion stealing is worse because it is a choice, being a homosexual might not be..

Honestly though, write it off and get yourself a PO box. Also if you mom hasn't found the actual drugs yet. She will.


[39 Points] Riskyshot:

Just tell her you want to get fucked in the ass this weekend


[31 Points] pingywon:

Real question..what make a lube gay lube?


[28 Points] comradepolarbear:

Sneak in, take it. Don't be a bitch


[20 Points] None:

gay sex products horrible decoy. the gay community has the meth drug fueled sex orgy stereotype


[21 Points] CoffeConLeche:

Just tell her you've been stroking the devils pole.


[17 Points] ApoIIoCreed:

How can anyone believe this post? After just picking up the package it'd be obvious there is no liquid inside. But the biggest hole in this shit-post is that the mother is ballsy enough to call out OP, but not just open up the package?

It's not even a well thought through scenario.


[14 Points] ForLol_Serious:

My grandma is a strong believer of the Faith too and if she found out I was 31% gay she would kick me out of her house.


[15 Points] baphomet_labs:

Tell her it was ordered for a gay friend whose parents don't know he is out yet. Insert least favorite friends name here and bam.


[13 Points] AdamOnDemand:

Tell her you're not gay, you're just high-curious.


[11 Points] PM_ME_XANAX:

That is hilarious but still why the fuck would he put that? Such a funny situation youve got in lmao


[10 Points] darlantan:

Tell her you got it to lube up something. Anything seemingly innocent. You read about "Gay Lube Oil" online and ordered it because it's got penetrating ability and it can really get into tight cracks, which is why you wanted to use it.


[11 Points] obviouslyaman:

Tell her you bought it as a prank for a friend's birthday party. If she asks why it's powder, tell her it's a sample pack of this stuff:

https://www.amazon.com/JorVet-J0109-J-Lube-Lubric-Pwd-10Oz/dp/B006G2S17A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1498596659&sr=8-1&keywords=j-lube


[10 Points] wastelanderr:

You would be better off telling her it's drugs. She would probably be glad to know her baby boy is smoking a little grass and not taking it up the ass


[10 Points] lizardscum:

you are gay now


[7 Points] Cocinacowboy:

Oh shit hahahahahahahahha


[10 Points] THE_DEEP_MOB_CONNECT:

2 options

  1. Your 20 move the fuck out
  2. Eat xanax and feed your friend xanax. Proceed to rape him when he can't defend himself. Tell you mom you gay. In the morning hopefully you'll both forget and she got what she wants.


[9 Points] internetmexican:

Tell her your muscles ache, and the gay lube oil is the kind that warms up, and it is cheaper than buying Icy-Hot. You are not gay, you were being thrifty.


[8 Points] None:

WTF is wrong with some parents???I smoke kush with my ma!


[4 Points] stormerloupedx:

there's no way this is real and if it is real stop ordering drugs to your parents house and tell her it's pot and tell her all the computer skills you learned to aquirre said pot(assuming you are underage with proper opsec) and hope that the punishment isn't that serve. Honestly unless you are that rare person who's parents allow them to use the DNMs which clearly you aren't evidenced by you hesitation to tell her it's just cannabis. Good luck OP.


[6 Points] Nelly_the_irelephant:

Call the shades and rat your ma out. She's being a massive cunt.

Then sort yourself out and get your own place. You're 20 years old for fuck sake.


[5 Points] rapey_tree_salesman:

Tell her it's some computer game or some boring shit from a friend, but they out some shit on there to embarrass you. How bad are you at lying that you can't just get out of this. Smack her bitch face and take your pack bro.


[3 Points] htlr_lvr:

Just admit that you and your friends fuck each other in the ass, it's okay.


[4 Points] thegovernment0usa:

Masturbation. Boom. You have to go to church a few times, then swear you've seen the light and you'll never "abuse yourself" again.
Still, the pains your mother is experiencing are her just desserts. When one is fanatical and literal about religion, one gets what one deserves.


[5 Points] katjaofthewoodelves:

Tell her if you ain't got lube, then your dick is gonna get stuck and you'll be a sinner forever. You gotta pull out or how can she convert you?


[3 Points] deadbirdd:

It's time to man up. Grow a pair. & Your mom should be pissed at you for ordering that to HER house! 20 year old baby.


[3 Points] TheLizzardMan:

I am gay and confirm that when I buy lube it's labeled "gay"! 😎


[3 Points] None:

You're legally an adult and whether you live with her or not it would be completely illegal for her to open your mail so maybe tell her that? And idk the best I could think of is say it's for masturbating.. Embarrassing I know but you don't have many options


[2 Points] theworldsend69:

Tell her you got it real cheap and wanted to use it instead of lotion


[2 Points] corylol:

The package said gay lube oil on the outside? Or did she illegally open your mail..?


[2 Points] minarets420:

Masterbation lube seems like a compromise.


[2 Points] infr4r3d:

Holy shit this is golden, I don't even care if it's real or not


[2 Points] KG1212:

Alright now someone copy this and switch weed and gay lube oil


[2 Points] thascarecro:

This is incredible on so many levels. Would recommend vendor.


[2 Points] kyousaya4life:

Which vendor?


[2 Points] WillsMyth:

Need an update on this OP.


[2 Points] JackPAnderson:

Are you sure that you ordered from Canada and not from Thailand? Who knew "Gay lube oil" was such a common stealth technique?


[2 Points] TurnBurger:

Dfkm, I understand where she's coming from completely.. 20 years old, living at home smoking weed, having male friends over and never having a girl.. Honesty sounds believeable so could be a nice cover-up, but honestly it's just weed could be a lot Worse and belive be When I say that lol.. A lot worse things than kush available online

But wait why do. You order kush online? Why? it's expensive. And probably bunk, you can't find a local dealer? Might wanna go. With the Gay Sex story lol.. Also compared to. Other things it's such a bigger risk of. Getting caught Becuase of. The big size for. The weight and the smell of kush is a lot More, and you coild invest your self into something you could resell and make More money than just. Smoking your kush in your momma's house and. Maybe move out and you can tell her it's for Straight anal Sex Once you get Your life together and get a girl


[2 Points] hooptydumpty:

If I were you I'd just start taking dick and play it off


[2 Points] None:

You shoulda shoved the drugs right up your ass, what with the lube and all. I've heard this works better.

On the upside, when you do get kicked out, you can get your own place and order all the drugs you want, whether they come with complimentary gay sex lube or not.

This has been 36fuckin5 with another extraordinary 'how to drug' tek.


[2 Points] ChiefTief:

Shoulda just told her it was jerk off lube


[2 Points] Durago:

Can we get an update on this? How did it turn out?


[2 Points] MajorRobotnik:

Stop being a degenerate.


[2 Points] Anonymous_L:

Kek


[2 Points] new-clear-waist:

Tell her you use it to masturbate and the gay live was cheaper than the regular lube and the lube itself isn’t inherently gay. Then get a job and move out with some friends because you shouldn’t have to have these stupid conversations with your mom when you’re 20.


[0 Points] LawlRoids:

OP is a faggot.


[1 Points] tpsmc:

OP is a fag.


[1 Points] diOpAnonMu:

It's for masturbating or it's to lube some toy trains or your skateboard wheels or your fidget spinner. Whatever makes sense for your lifestyle.


[1 Points] megahurt:

I'd say save up for a bit and just order a girlfriend. Priorities, dude.


[1 Points] whitekidspaz:

Tell her you take foot fetish photos trying to break through in the industry and need lube to make your feet look pretty


[1 Points] Diqqsnot:

Ur 20 fucking years old I don't care if u live under their roof, tell her to fuck off and give you ur shit that u fucking paid for.


[1 Points] SpontaneousCookie:

Maybe get a PO box for next time.


[1 Points] BotchedBenzos:

You bought it for a friend who pressured you. You bought it on accident and dont mind if she throws it away (search garbage later). Admit its stealth packaging but say its for a fidget spinner.


[1 Points] nomorebullshittt:

Not vendors problem, yours. Don't order to your parents house. Drop, PO box, etc.


[1 Points] ohbenito:

get some real lube,
drop your pants and fuck yourself in the ass.
you are dumber than should be allowed to breathe.

packs to moms house, are you fucking kidding?
gotta be kidding.


[1 Points] BigBootyRatchets:

Hahahahaha. Tell your mother that your friend ordered it to you as a joke. Or buy packaging that looks identical to the lube that turned up at your crib, but place a note in there that reads "Get pranked idiot!" with nothing else inside and switch it with the weed packaging whilst she's sleeping. Then soon as she wakes tell her to open the package and reveal that it was all a huge joke setup by your friends.


[1 Points] blackhand25:

1: you really shouldn't ship to your parents house, you are knowingly making the choice to take the risks associated with buying weed online whereas they are not(and dragging that risk into someone else's life is not cool). That said, you likely already know this and aren't in the mood for a lecture. 2: this is why I try to make stealth as generic as possible because I don't know what is going on in my customers' lives.


[1 Points] backlikeclap:

Tell her it's lube for masturbating with and the name is a joke? Idk you're fucked.


[1 Points] None:

Sort of off topic but holy fuck there are some messed up parents out there. Your mom forbids you to even own a bottle of lube because she thinks you're going to have gay sex (at 20 years old and it's not even fuckin lube lol). Like man, I must have had it really good growing up not having parents that believe insanely backwards things told by bullshitters 2000 years ago. If your son was gay then let him be gay. Fuck man.


[1 Points] tetchedparasite:

why use the darknet for weed anyway? finding weed is pretty easy just about anywhere, unless your one of those unlucky bastards who have nothing but do gooders in your part of the world


[1 Points] MevalemadresWey:

Very simple to fix, tell her you're buying an herbal remedy from Canada. Say that you recently had a problem with your bowels and you're thinking you may have irritable bowel syndrome so, the best option was to buy some herbal remedy from an unexpensive online vendor in Canada. They use the gay lube oil as a cover because laws forbid the import of plants.

If she opens the package, well, the herb is right there and you need it for your bowels. Tell her that you didn't want to tell her because some laws are broken by importing foreign plants and you didn't want to put her in jeopardy.

Apologize, hug her and tell her that it also made you feel embarassed the irritable bowel syndrome effects like suddenly pooping and I don't know, research. Hug her again and make her promise she won't tell anyone ever.


[1 Points] very_ent-ertaining:

say it's a package you ordered to "prank" your friend


[1 Points] CharlieUNTango:

Love that you had to put (which is totally false) so we didn't think you were getting stoned and bummed.


[1 Points] cloud1e:

Get a job (maybe just a better paying one) and move out.


[1 Points] D3Moto:

r/TIFU


[1 Points] jlbob:

"come out" as bi?


[1 Points] None:

I would be furious if a vendor puts what is basically a joke on the outside of a package containing illegal drugs.


[1 Points] One_Mikey:

Tell her it was me.


[1 Points] None:

Oh man oh man ohhhh man.


[1 Points] bucketss420:

Find the pack and swap the weed for live an tape it back up


[1 Points] glatts:

Just say that it was a game or something from a friend who did that to mess with you. To really sell it, send yourself a game or something else in the mail overnight with a similar type of description and open it in front of her.


[1 Points] willreignsomnipotent:

Tell her it's for masturbation. You only got this particular one because you heard it works better, gentler on your skin, etc. Explain that the whole thing is really embarrassing, and you didn't want to have to tell her about this, but you don't want her mistakenly thinking you're gay either.

But you don't have a girlfriend, you're a young man, and you have needs. And right now you'd rather focus on your future (or whatever plausible thing you can say) rather than worrying about getting some girl pregnant. So you're trying to "keep it in your pants" so to speak. Or at least keep it out of theirs...

That might work. Especially if she's the responsible religious type. Masturbation is thought to be a sin by many christians, but so is unmarried sex, and having kids outside marriage. Which, regardless of the faith, your mom probably doesn't want to see you doing anyway, ideally...


[1 Points] smoked0g:

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time thank you for this post. Pure gold.


[1 Points] Larrity:

Tell her it was for a prank.


[1 Points] philmoeslim:

Classic mistake....the old weed in the gay lube bottle prank....tell the vendor it was confiscated and to switch the name to Colt Slick.


[1 Points] 0ur_Benefactors:

Hahaha this is great. If it's true tell her it's for a girl or say it's a gag gift for one of your friends.


[1 Points] Ketsa:

You better tell the truth.


[1 Points] DrunknAzn:

Pay a girl to lie


[1 Points] thatboydubby:

This has to be a troll. Worst OPSEC ever if not...


[1 Points] poetryinthewater:

AHAHAHAHHAA


[1 Points] poetryinthewater:

Maybe she needs to be reminded that opening another person's mail is a felony


[1 Points] icdmize:

Tell her the local youth minister wanted you to order it but you don't know why. That should do the trick.


[1 Points] redditor787:

Lmfao. No way this is real 🤣


[1 Points] bccanadaboy99:

way to talk about a venders stealth


[1 Points] Larky17:

I know you said Canadian Vendor, but if this is the U.S. you could say she is illegally witholding a package sent to you. Something something federal crime.


[1 Points] KayanuReeves:

Say you saw it online really cheap and was gonna prank a friend with it. Or give it to a friend for a birthday.


[1 Points] SassySamSafetySchool:

Sounds like you need to get a new mama.


[1 Points] YamatoHD:

I just really wanna know how it all ended.

By the way you can tell your mom the truth - that you do like to get high and have some hot gay sex with your buds. When she gets used to it shell be fine with you getting even heroin off of dark web


[1 Points] ergabaderg312:

Why not get your mom to drink a lot of wine or some kind of alcohol or sleepy tea or melatonin or something of that sort then grab the pack while she's asleep, remove yo weedZ, and put it back. Then figure out some kind of explanation that doesn't involve jack shit?

Edit: yeah use the prank story. That works the best actually. Doesn't involve too many ppl. But only after you've removed the wED when she's ptfo.


[1 Points] sqrupfgt:

Tell her you her you need it because you jerk off so much, you get friction burn without it.

Shipper fucked up, it was supposed to be masturbation lube, not gay lube. Sorry mom.


[1 Points] p5-f20w18k:

This made my day


[1 Points] illusionofpower:

This isn't about the weed, you've got other things on your mind you want to talk about.


[1 Points] oxykitten80mg:

Find her hiding place and steal it. Empty it out and put it back.

If doing drugs can get you kicked out, don't do them. Crimes have consequences.


[1 Points] None:

Tell her the package is from Japan and you used the name Gary Boyle.


[1 Points] Feral_P:

You could say it's for personal use and was just the cheapest option? It's kinda embarrassing to admit that, so she may believe it.


[1 Points] mydnthrowaway:

Tell her it's for butt sex with hookers


[1 Points] panicattackk:

Get one of you gay friends to say you ordered it for him.


[1 Points] MrBaconPie:

bout time we had some fresh copypasta lol


[1 Points] ShaggysGTI:

Just because it's labeled as gay anal lube doesn't mean that is what it's going to be used for. Possible excuses include: Straight anal sex, Masturbatory anal sex, Lubrication for running cable in conduit, Practical joke played on you by a friend, "Someone heard my mom had a stick up her ass so they sent this to help the procedure."


[1 Points] HeatSeekingGhostOSex:

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'd say try a rescue mission when they leave the house and swap out the contents. Just hunt the pack down.


[1 Points] rwine29:

Post has me dying....Thanks, Reddit


[1 Points] None:

Thread of the year


[1 Points] never_amore:

Tell her it's so you can boof drugs easier?


[1 Points] freeusebandodge:

Tell her to find you some 16 year old hot piece of ass and you'll prove you're not gay over the course of 500 fuck sessions of that sweet nubile ass


[1 Points] itsAerion:

You could tell her this lube was a lot cheaper than regular once, otherwise just tell her its weed, she will find out eitherway if she is keeping it from you.


[1 Points] kellik123:

Not sure if this applies in your country but here it is a pretty big crime to open another adults packets without their consent, so if I were you I would expect she is aware of her crime. Juat don't mention it.

Hope you get through this Buddy, hilarious read if that's any help.


[1 Points] None:

[removed]


[1 Points] None:

[removed]


[1 Points] arctane:

Fucking classic stitch up!!!


[1 Points] ImSoSorryOfficer-_-:

Lmao??? Could it be the same vendor that sent me a "anal sex toy puppet" by any chance??


[1 Points] shitlord_god:

it's a practical joke from a friend - it's some plant shit you are using for something.


[1 Points] SkilledChoreography:

(which is totally false)


[1 Points] None:

She’s already smoked it bruh.


[1 Points] Celladoore:

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?


[1 Points] rantcaseydnm:

stab her in her sleep


[0 Points] elfer90:

Lol


[0 Points] Ch1986:

Fucking hilarious, thx op


[0 Points] None:

Wtf your mom is such an asshole. Its your thing if you like the thingy.


[0 Points] mythicaldeath123:

lmfao


[0 Points] None:

[removed]


[0 Points] yoLeaveMeAlone:

It's a good rule to not order large quantities of flower in the mail, it's the most likely thing to get snatched up. But ordering an ounce in the mail to your Mom's house? Now that's something else....


[0 Points] long_wang_big_balls:

Wat


[0 Points] None:

Bro, just straight up tell your mom, I'm 20 years old if I choose to be gay or not doesn't necessarily matter anymore. Stop treating me like a kid I am old enough to make my own decisions this isn't church I am an Atheist and I would appreciate if you respected my beliefs like I do yours. If you have to find a quote from her holy book and read it to her that talks about accepting other faiths and not being judgemental. There you go have fun champ with your gay lube lol.


[0 Points] itzyaboiskinnypeniz:

LMFAO just tell her ur gay


[0 Points] Fatcock18:

This is a fucking pickle.


[0 Points] angusfred123:

If she hates gay people that much tell her its weed. She might be so relieved she wont care.


[0 Points] mymuse100:

This is why we say do not order drugs to your parents house on the DN. Does anyone listen no.


[0 Points] Imightbenormal:

Halleluja.


[0 Points] GrandWizardsLair:

Is this /u/BruceCampbell -- or should the Grand Wizard say "Brooth Campbell?"


[0 Points] None:

That's hilarious Hahahahaha


[0 Points] Edward372:

Just say you finger your ass


[0 Points] FraterP:

Ha, you still have "sleepovers"?


[0 Points] pheature:

Tell her that you will tell her the truth Say it with a sincere voice Ask her to sit down Then tell her that you let your friend use your address as his parents has already caught him ordering the stuff Then choose a kid who you know you're mum already knows smoke weed and is a bad influence Then tell her you didn't know how it was going to arrive you just thought it would of been a joint or two that's what he told you and then apologise and all that other stuff Bring in the water works, it felt like he was kinda bullying you ect ect


[0 Points] None:

what ever happened to the sub dark net market paranoia? this is fucking stupid. your brain is compromised if this is real but i seriously doubt it. if you have to ask then yes your dick is too small.


[0 Points] ShoTwiRe:

Tell her it's a joke from a friend. And maybe have a friend call and back that story up. As in they tried to embarrass or fuck with you at your expense.

Good luck.


[0 Points] None:

You tell her your friends sent it as a joke. Wait until she is asleep and snatch that shit, take out what is inside, put something that is not lube inside but something you can convince her is a gag from a friend, and then tell her to just open it and see for herself.


[0 Points] BlazinBrando:

/u/stoneypete


[0 Points] SloppyJoeLieberman:

Ask her what the 10 commandments say about stealing stuff (your mail) from other people.

Religious zealots are so fucking ridiculous. Good luck to you and keep us posted. Start making moves to get the hell out of her house if possible, sounds horrible. If you have a friend that will let you stay with them until you can save up some money or find a roommate just take your pack from her and peace out.


[0 Points] surfer_ryan:

Tell your mom not to worry because every time you have gay anal sex you say no homo... everyone knows if you say no homo it's not gay!


[-3 Points] OgreLord:

Just a couple of comments / questions.

  1. I know a lot of 20 year old still live with their parents, but why? I've never been able to understand that (I've been on my own since I was 17).

  2. What 20 year old guy has sleepovers? Again I don't understand, the last same sex sleepover I had was when I was 13 I think.

Please don't take this as bashing you because it's not meant to be, but you may want to look into some lifestyle changes (own place, girls sleeping over, that sort of thing).