Well guys, tonight it happened.

I'll begin by saying that although I've used the DNM several times, I'd never before ordered weed. Too risky -- much easier to order a small amount of concentrate and avoid the smell issue. Well, that changed last Friday, when all the buzz around this LSD strain of marijuana got the better of my curiosity. I logged into Evo and lo and behold, a half oz for the remarkably low price of $99. I considered all the people who have ordered weed with no issue, and decided to go for it.

I was expecting the order today. When the mail arrived, it was nowhere in sight. Not a big deal, there are tons of delays this time of year. When an extra large mail truck pulled up in front of my house at 6PM after I'd already gotten my normal mail for the day, you can imagine what my heart did. My hands began trembling as a stocky, underdressed-for-a-winter-mailman got out of the cab already holding a package and heading straight for my door.

I rehearsed the lines in my head. As I opened the door, I immediately began to stammer. "Oh? No, I'm not expecting anything in the mail. I don't want to accept anything that's not meant for me, too much of a headache trying to figure out where it belongs. Sorry."

I could see that the "mailman" wasn't expecting this. He was notably taken aback and his eyes shifted from side to side as he tried to plan his next move. Much to my surprise, he thrust the package toward me and I instinctively threw my hands back to avoid receiving it. After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke.

Tapping the return address, he said, "Look, it's probably just a Christmas gift from your parents. Can't you just accept it and then see what they want you to do with it?"

The Christmas ornaments look lovely on the tree, BTW.

EDIT: For all the people asking, "WHY?!" -- as I mentioned in the comments but forgot to include in the OP, I was so fucking stoned.

EDIT 2:: For anyone interested, the package got here today and goddamn is it good. Some of you guys need to chill the fuck out and take a funny story for what it is. It more or less really happened, but if you don't understand that I'm emphasizing humor over perfect accuracy you take shit too seriously. If you don't have a single "holy shit I got too high and turned into a complete retard" story you're not smoking weed right.


Comments


[344 Points] None:

[removed]


[143 Points] Billcosbyrapedmetoo:

Your the type that shoots Santa in the face because you think hes a burglar.


[80 Points] None:

[removed]


[42 Points] throwahooawayyfoe:

WTG. If they weren't suspicious of you before, they sure are now. People don't seem to understand that stealth extends beyond the vendor and the packaging. Blend in and do what everybody else does (just accept the damn package) and nobody will ever think twice about you. It's a technique called 'hiding in plain sight'. The trick is to not be memorable to the people you come in contact with. Don't be funny and crack jokes, don't act all sketchy and shit... just be normal. Postal carriers deal with hundreds, if not thousands of pieces of mail every single day. Do you really think they're gonna remember you specifically? Only if you do something to make them remember you (like throwing your hands up and saying "get that thing away from me. i didn't order anything.").


[36 Points] lelzzzzz:

One of Barry Cooper's biggest rules is very simple (and you violated it): ACT LIKE YOU'RE NOT GUILTY.

Drug people when they're driving around with illegal shit in their car, see a cop and their whole brain panics. This controlled delivery shit is NO DIFFERENT.

-- ENTER A MIND --

Oh my god ... a cop ... holy shit ... is he on to me? ... don't make eye contact, he'll know what I'm up to ... is he still following me? ... what the fuck? (you're staring in the rear view mirror at the cop for a while now) ... FUCK! (you swerve back into your lane) ... holy shit, stay between the lines, there's a cop back there! (The cop speeds up to you and starts tailing you) ... Oh my god! He knows! ... (You're trembling now. You realize that driving a straight line is surprisingly difficult.) ... You tell yourself: "Act normal, act normal, act nor..." ...you see the red and blue lights flash behind you ... your mind races. Fuck. You consider speeding away, jumping out of the car. Life in prison? For this? For what? What the fuck?! But instead you pull over, turn off the car engine, and fumble around for your ID. You're shaking violently when the cop knocks at your window:

"Hi there," the cop says, in surprisingly friendly tone. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" This one took you by surprise, even though you've heard people tell you that every cop asks this. You start to speak: "Umm I wa--" your throat chokes a little (cough) "--uh--" (you clear your throat, even though it's never been dryer). The cop cuts you off:

"Can I see some ID?" ... your hands are shaking. You take a deep breath. OK. Get my ID out. You reach into your pocket and feel around ... you think: "Oh shit, are there any blunts, lighters, or rolling papers in here?" You start to get more nervous. You can feel the cop watching and analyzing every single movement you make, but finally you find it, the ID.

You look up at the cop. Your hand is shaking. You move the ID from your pocket to the window, where the cop is waiting. He's staring directly into your eyes. You try to move the hand more quickly, to mask the shaking. But your ID catches on your seatbelt and falls under your seat. You fail to catch it on the way down.

The cop speaks up now: "Sir, step out of the car." Your start to go pale, but this time your mind is blank. No more wise plans. Several seconds pass, but it feels like forever.

"Sir! Out of the car, with your hands up, NOW." The cop directs you, sternly. You're fucked now. You look at the back seat. To the backpack with the twenty-sack of weed inside. The cop shouts something and rips open the car door, but you can't really hear it, you're having a full-blown panic attack............

-- END --

When all you had to do was: "Thank you sir!" (You're innocent, after all, aren't you?????) If they're organizing a case against you to the point where you become aware of it, they think they've got enough evidence against you to nail you no-matter-what. At that point "anything and everything" you cook up will only make it worse.


[32 Points] Copenhagen_Superstar:

or the stealth is just really good. Try smashing all the ornaments and maybe there's weed inside.


[33 Points] throwaway527586:

I should have mentioned that I was stoned as shit when the truck pulled up. I wasn't expecting to be face to face with anyone and I had absolutely no business doing so.


[14 Points] l0c0d0g:

As someone posted here before, this is quite normal for this time of year. Late or afternoon deliveries, mailman without or with partial uniform.


[11 Points] deathpick:

I am god damn sick of all these fucking fantasy role-playing posts

Kill yourself, OP


[14 Points] Jerk-Face:

That's a repainted SWAT truck. Board your windows.


[13 Points] Portable_Powah:

You think they are going to set up a sting for a half ounce of pot?? seems like craziness to me


[3 Points] None:

[deleted]


[5 Points] detro:

totally getting a job at usps this winter and going to dress like a fed and hand deliver every package that looks like potential drugs, just to fuck with everyone


[4 Points] Vendor_BBMC:

You can spot kids who are too young to ever have scored drugs before Silk Road.

You'd think everyone would be cool now that we don't need to visit crack houses, get told to "wait here" in an alleyway by a rasta on a bike, or have gunfights over a suitcase full of newspaper with columbians in a hotel room.

They are actually scared of the POSTMAN!

I guess if you feel like you're doing something naughty, and you're on drugs, you'll fixate on any risk no matter how small.

Postmen must have similar uniforms to cops in the US. There should be a separate subreddit to talk about envelopes, stealth and postmen where these people can go to "tinfoil housefire" each other.

We really need to start telling the letterbox sissies to take it elsewhere. A kind of mass hysteria, limited entirely to under-25 american reddit users has taken hold. They have unlimited access to strong drugs, no physical danger, but no sense of proportion or perspective.

They should go and knock on the reinforced steel door of a real coke "vendor", and in a smart-Aleky voice rate him 0/5 on stealth because the cocaine is clearly visible in the transparent baggie. No layers of mylar, no decoy documents, not even the opaque covering known as an envelope.

He would cut them across the face with a dirty blade.


[3 Points] DnmAvenger:

Oh boy... Late deliveries happen a lot this time of year. Man, CD or not if LE wants you they will get you. I am sure it was just the USPS playing catch up.


[2 Points] None:

lol good story


[2 Points] shitterplug:

So many people taking this seriously.


[2 Points] polvb:

AM I BEING DETAINED?


[1 Points] None:

Seasonal delays are underway. USPS is utilizing holiday season employees... this means more than one stop by USPS on some days to drop of those important Amazon overnighted orders.
I'm good friends with a USPS deliveryman and he said sometimes even the manager has to go deliver packages after hours in their personal vehicles due to the confussion and need the USPS to come through (regardless of what is inside)!


[1 Points] squaregrouper1:

Loved this one, most of the time its a fake story which i thought it was till I read that last line. Marry Christmas dude thanks for the smile.


[1 Points] DrQuarters_:

You do realize they deliver mail, multiple times per day during the holidays, correct? Unless you live in some po-dunk town, I don't know why you acted this way. Shit like this always happens at christmas. And for a half ounce no less. I don't know what state you live in, but in most, thats a slap on the wrist


[1 Points] Cizuz:

Order lots of small stuff monthly. Always accept every package.

What are they going to claim "WELL YOU SIGNED FOR DRUGS" ... This person accepts 5 to 10 packages a month, do you honestly know which package is arriving what day and what it exactly contains?


[1 Points] xeddmc:

I can see how you got sketched out.


[1 Points] None:

[deleted]


[1 Points] creephfer:

my friend had a brother that was busted for the same thing happening, except the package got inside and it wasn't really a mailman


[1 Points] RenoLightning:

I suck


[1 Points] gatorade998:

Oh I wass so toasted guys like reaaalllyyy. No youre a fuckin paranoid idiot. Cd or not, if they want you they'll get you. Even if you jump back like the mailman qas trying to gov you a box of spiders. If they were gonna do a CD on you, they probably already have a warrant, charges and a guy named bubba just waiting to rape you. So next time when youre trying to be "safe" just take your fucking package like a normal person. Because guess what, the mailman could've been right. And you would've sent grandmas reindeer sweater back.


[1 Points] chaos36:

Especially this time of year, sometimes packages are delivered separately and at a different time than regular mail. I've had this happen with packages and have never ordered from dnm.


[1 Points] None:

Stoner problems right there.


[1 Points] NotAsuspiciousNamee:

So what ended up happening?! I wouldnt have answered the door in the first place man if you were that sketched out


[1 Points] fedaykin_242:

goddamn dude you had me on the edge of my seat. 10/10 suspense thriller of the year


[1 Points] dnm_ash:

USPS packages this time of year run separate from regular mail if they are bigger than a letter subby.

You are probably lucky the mail guys are so busy they didn't report you for being suspicious.


[0 Points] exileofmordor:

LOL Good one!


[0 Points] AdrianBeatyoursons:

he tapped his fingers on your "parents" names and you still was scared? well, at least you have an Xmas tree and you will be saved by Jesus and stuff.

you seem like a dumbass...too dumb to be doing this