Usually a lurker around here but thought I should share this with everyone...
Was on my way home from the bar last night, puffing on some (excellent) medibuds oil. I suddenly see the red and blue lights in my mirror, and pull over. I'd had about 9 drinks over the past few hours so was def over the legal limit but not blown away. I casually toss the vape pen in the glove box as the officer approaches my car. My head is racing with what I'm going to do/say to get out of this and I can think of nothing. I basically surrendered emotionally, but that ironically helped me be cool throughout the experience because I already accepted I was fucked.
I roll down the window, he tells me I've been pulled over for driving erratically and asks if I understand, and if I've been drinking. I tell him I understand and that I've had a couple drinks. He then asks if I've been smoking any weed tonight, which I play dumb about. I guess those vape pens smell a little more than I thought! (Like I said though I was literally puffing when I got pulled over so not shocked). He proceeds to run my ID (I have a clean record, not even a speeding ticket in the last 5yrs).
He comes back to the car and quizzes me about my ID, saying it doesn't look like me which is ridiculous, it looks exactly like me. After he is satisfied, he asks me to step out so he can do a few tests with me. I comply. Meanwhile a backup car pulls up and his buddies start to eyeball the inside of my car, presumably looking for weed or any reason to search my car. He pats me down, then asks me to follow his finger with my eyes, which I do without issue. He then asks me to stand on one foot with my other foot out in front of me and count to 15, I do without issue. He then asks me to count backward from 70 to 57 without stopping, I do without issue. Finally he asks me to walk heel-to-toe 15 steps and to count them out loud. I stumble a little on the first step, but complete the rest without issue.
He seems at least somewhat satisfied, but his cronies are skeptical still so they hand him a breathalizer and he asks me to blow so he "knows where I'm at", and tells me it is inadmissable in court. At this point I start hesitating and asking if I should have a lawyer present for this, that I don't want to incriminate myself with this, etc. He continues to reassure me that it is inadmissable and is almost forcing it up to my mouth as he presses a button to get it ready. I have no intention of complying however. As he is getting the thing ready, it appears that the batteries die or something, and he gets frustrated and hands it back to his buddies. OMFG what a stroke of luck.
He proceeds to tell me that I am "right on the edge" and shouldn't be driving and that I don't need to have something like this on my record. He lets me off with a warning. As soon as I am about 100 yards from the cops I roll my windows down and let out a primal scream of relief. Christmas came early.
TL;DR - play it cool/dumb in this type of situation, and do not give the cops anything that might incriminate you. I'm not even sure I should've done the sobriety test, I need to brush up on the rules. Also, get really lucky!
edit - avoiding this situation in the first place by not drinking and driving would have been the wisest decision in hindsight, and I am certainly going to follow this in the future. Way cheaper to get cabs/ubers than the cost of a DUI, or worse, a life. Thanks u/qeensofthestonedage and u/awesometacos900 for keeping it in perspective.
I hate to be this guy, but regardless of what happened, you shouldn't be drinking and driving. Or smoking and driving, for that matter. You just got lucky this time that you didn't hurt anyone, and that you didn't have to get breathalyzed. Drinking while intoxicated on anything is dangerous for you and for everyone around you.