Announcing Piratey Darkness - A Completely Different Kind of Marketplace

Today, we are proud to formally announce the pending launch of PirateyDarkness.

Please see our announcement thread at The Hub for more details: http://thehubaoydxrommh.onion/index.php?topic=2261.0

Until our forums are up and running, we will be using The Hub as a central point of communication.

Announcement is below.

After millions of dollars in investment, a huge team of developers sweating for months, and input from some of the greatest minds in the darknet community, I am proud to announce the imminent launch of Piratey Darkness, a brand new marketplace It brings together the finest features from other such trusted marketplaces as Silk Road, Black Flag, Sheep Marketplace, Black Goblin, Pandora, Darknet Nation, BMR, and many others that you all know and love.

We have been operating in stealth mode for quite a while, but are now approaching go-live in less than 24 hours.

Piratey Darkness, where our motto is "clearly not scam site. really really secure."

As with all successful darknet markets, we will be launching in phases. In less than 24 hours. But in phases, and definitely within 24 hours. Please stay tuned for updates, as we will be posting regular updates almost every Sunday evening on our progress towards that 24 hour deadline.

Here are some of our exciting new features that will definitely be rolled out within the next 24 hours at Piratey Darkness:

Innovative Bitcoin Mixer technology to keep you safe - Internally, we refer to this as "Project Bitsiphon", but it can mix your coins to where nobody, not even Hiniguel's hired team of snowdens, can find them. Only we know where you coins will go, and we promise you, they will go there, a few coins at a time, for the entire life of Piratey Darkness.

Integral PGP - Many users have put themselves at risk by not using PGP. We at Piratey Darkness are committed to grandstanding about our own security, so we have implemented the very first, fully-internal PGP system. Our servers will automatically create a public/private keypair for you, assign you a secure (more than 33 special character) passphrase, then store that passphrase for you. Whenever you send a PM, it will automatically be encrypted with the recipient public key, sent to them, then automatically decrypted for them. Now everyone can use PGP!

Encryption - All data at Piratey Darkness is fully encrypted, all the time. Every bit of user and vendor data is encrypted using a unique, symmetric encryption key is impossible for the user to forget. We shall be releasing a whitepaper on the exact method, but it has been reviewed by a number of our peers, and they all agree that XORing the data with the username is completely the way to go. We refer to this as CBC (Cleartext Block Chaining). As we are also fully committed to a healthy diet for our users, our encrypted data will be completely salt-free.

Commissions and Referrals - Piratey Darkness is committed to providing a flat, 2% commission structure. Piratey Darkness will operate on an invite-based referral basis. Each user who refers another user or vendor (using a unique referral code) will receive a 50% commission on that user's purchases, in perpetuity. Each user who refers a vendor will receive a 50% commission on that vendor's sales, in perpetuity. Please note that commissions are cumulative, and there is an additional 24% pre-emptive user payback commission put in place to keep you, the user, more secure.

Security

People shall try to hack Piratey Darkness. We are prepared for that. All they will find is a small amount of coins located in our sizzling wallet, as the remainder of our coins are kept in an offline, frosty wallet that can't be made sizzling, not never. Funds moved to the 24% user payback escrow will be kept in an even-frostier offline wallet, for user security.

Talking about our security is a central core value of Piratey Darkness, and we take it very seriously. Obviously, we cannot talk about the specific details of our architecture. Because OPSEC. But please rest assured that our servers are fully patched, and automatic Windows updates have been turned on, to provide additional protection against 0day exploits. As an additional measure, the usernames "whyusheep" and "PalmPilotEBookProfessorHouse101" are being disallowed from day one. Additionally, any users who list their location as "Czech Republic" will have their GET and POST requests placed through additional scrubbing algorithms against SQL Injection attacks. We even thought to put taunts to would-be attackers within HTML comment blocks in our page source. To keep our users secure, we have securely thought of every security angle.

Each of our trusted admins/moderators, whom I have vetted personally (I even have scans of their passports), has been highly trained in darknet security and Photoshop. Our incredibly large (please note that I am making a specific point of advertising that we have a huge staff of people, it's not just me) team will work 24/7, without pay, to ensure that our users and marketplace are secure. They sweat endlessly.

As part of our secure commitment to security, Piratey Darkness will be pre-emptively disabling user withdrawals to keep our users secure. Withdrawals will be re-enabled, in phases, within 24-hours, and we shall provide regular, weekly updates on our progress towards that goal. Deposits should be unaffected by these security measures.

Some of you have expressed concern at the heavy use of Javascript at Piratey Darkness, but I want to set your minds at ease. Javascript is perfectly safe, it is simply a way for your isolated, darknet browser to execute arbitrary code that it downloads from Piratey Darkness. The only way that could ever go wrong is if we were not good people. Rest assured, we are good people, and we shall keep you secure.

Very shortly, we shall release PirateyPager, a Windows executable that will keep you abreast of Piratey Darkness news, notify you of PM's, and in the event your laptop is ever stolen, PirateyPager will be able to geolocate it for you and provide you with a live feed from the webcam and microphone. Rest easy, your darknet laptop will be safe, nestled snugly in the warm embrace of PirateyPager.

Please join me at Piratey Darkness, you will not be disappointed. We shall securely strike a blow into the heart of the oppressive regime, and reengineer society through completely unregulated commerce without consequences. I will be posting the URL (in phases) within 24 hours, and I will use this thread to post regular, weekly updates as I, and my massive team of developers, launch Piratey Darkness.

As soon as our forums go live, I will be posting Bounties for individuals with specific skillsets. One area of pressing need is for a resource with strong enough Photoshop skills to create a cartoon, pirate mascot with his fly unzipped. Additionally, if anyone knows a money launderer with specific experience laundering coins that are being tracked cooperatively by snowdens, Redditors, and a huge mob of angry scam victims, please send me a PM.

Rest assured, we shall donate a significant portion of our profits to charity. I make you this solemn promise: All profits achieved through Piratey Darkness will be donated to a very worthy cause.


Comments


[16 Points] BlackBroker:

hahaha hilarious trolling done right here


[6 Points] huh_whut:

THIS RULES! Anyone who didn't laugh hysterically missed the fucking point grand champion! can't wait for my PirateyPager! Please make it also have a plug in for an actual pager and optimization to help find my phone too in case i lose both my lappytoppy and my phone! Levelz!!!


[6 Points] lets_all_do_TMP_kthx:

aaaaahahahha

"project bitsiphon"

how is it even possible to mistake this for a serious post?


[8 Points] luftwaffle8:

I was hired as a penetration tester for Piratey Darkness and I must say that I am quite impressed by their security. This was my first and hardest job to date. Even with the server status page and phpinfo file publicly accessible I couldn't find any exploits. And the way that certain URL requests cause a database dump on the page really speaks to their confidence in their security. It's almost like they are taunting would-be hackers. Also Bitwasp was an excellent choice for market software. Don't let the developers' all-caps warnings about Bitwasp's insecurity fool you. It is a robust platform for conducting highly illegal e-commerce. In my extensive testing, which included many random scripts that I found in Google searches, I found literally zero bugs on the site. You can put your trust in Piratey Darkness.


[5 Points] GreenHairyMartian:

we need a /r/DarkNetMarketCirclejerk

this is funny, yet completely useless.


[3 Points] RedSunMarket:

This market is so amazing, compared to ours, we have shut down Red Sun. Everyone go to Piratey Sweat instead!


[2 Points] grumpydoge:

Our incredibly large (please note that I am making a specific point of advertising that we have a huge staff of people, it's not just me) team will work 24/7, without pay, to ensure that our users and marketplace are secure. They sweat endlessly.

Some of you commenters have had too long of a week. I thought it was hilarious.


[2 Points] jodieUNsweetined:

Why does everyone think this is serious? It made me chuckle.


[2 Points] ciphersexual:

I don't see any mention of your IQ. Please PGP sign a message proving your high IQ.


[2 Points] None:

Sounds like a great new market, can't wait to try it out. How do I get in on referrals?


[2 Points] the_avid:

Hilarious but also sad since a lot of it is based on what real markets have said / done.


[2 Points] -BobLoblaw:

It's about time someone had the balls to implement all the fine features we came to know and love from 'Black Goblin Market'
Kudos sir!


[2 Points] reddingsanon:

So, when are you announcing the live webcam between vendors and users?


[1 Points] Sanitarium-Market:

crap, I thought this was actually serious for a bit. Frostie and More Frostie? There are not several levels of "Offline."


[0 Points] None:

[deleted]


[0 Points] jackibrown:

ahah first Integral PGP - as if my friend


[0 Points] aalewis____:

honeypot/10


[0 Points] ingenious89:

Now FBI will have live feed and pictures of all customers...lmao. Too funny.


[0 Points] Tripped_:

I can't tell who is serious in this thread anymore.


[-1 Points] galaxyandspace:

I have scans of my employees passports.

OK....

JavaScript is perfectly safe.

Whoa. Lol. Smh. Let's get a script free version before I and many others start using this place. Scripts are a huge deal breaker, even if using TAILS.


[-1 Points] throwitbitchass:

nobody loves/loved sheep or pandora.


[-2 Points] sharpshooter789:

If your running a windows server please quit.


[-2 Points] Rostaro:

Hmmm. ?. Why not just post out on the regular web. It appears not is secret or confidential anymore. If this post was not written by a GOVERMENT agency, it is certainly going to be on their watch list. The Darknet is Dark for a reason. Not supposed to be able public knowledge for all the juvenile delinquents to invade.

Sounds too good too be true...buyer beware


[-4 Points] InfinitelyOutThere:

Trololol. A poorly done troll if I may add, it's extremely obvious.


[-5 Points] None:

The best features of black flag and sheep? Lol why would you even use those names as reference?

JavaScript is safe? Are you an idiot?

Pirate pager? Are fucking kidding me? Are you implementing tor through the command line? Lol. What a giant security breach.

You spent millions of dollars? BULLSHIT.